Tansy

He got my boys who are nearly 16 and wanted to live with him, and our house due to him refusing to settle on equity split and solicitor warning all equity would go on fees making the boys homeless ultimately unless one of us gave in. I have nowhere to take the boys if he really goes for it. The divorce was a clean break and the house is not mine now. I a m getting a rental flat with 2 bedrooms if I can afford 2 and he's moving back in here with the boys. I get 30% of the equity once it's sold. No one thinks he's that bad. They really don't. He only drinks at a night and not that much now apparently. The boys concur with this but I feel kind of wary all the time like I'm waiting for the hammer to fall and wondering what on earth?

littlesister1

Sorry Tansy, as I have read here many times "More will be revealed"

hugs

amy55

I'm so sorry Tansy. I don't know what to say to help you feel better. Can only give (((((hugs))))).

You were having a really rough time there with your sons. You had no support for them, you had no real transportation, and one of your sons didn't even want to leave the house.

I think if I was you in the situation I would look for that apartment in a place that has services for children with autism, a place that had support groups for parents of children with autism. Perhaps try to get out a little, get a job. I know this might seem like the end to you, but I see it as the beginning for you, and the children. Perhaps I am too optimistic at times, but I cannot see your ex doing the things that you did for your children. What about the schooling? Is he going to home school? Who will be watching them when he goes to work? Perhaps get some therapy for yourself, you were isolated for way too long.

Wishing the best for you, and please keep us updated.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

SeriousKarma

Tansy, I'm so sorry. That feeling of "waiting for the hammer to fall" is a horrible feeling.

I think Amy55 has given some good advice here. Use this time to take care of yourself. It's the best thing you can do for your boys.

((((((((( hugs )))))))))

Rosiepetal

So sorry Tansy.
I guess all you can do is to start over, take one day at a time & put the focus back on yourself.
Hugs.

lillamy

I'm sorry. The boys want to live with him, at that age, the court won't go against it. I'm thinking, though, that it might just be inertia, you know -- they get to stay in the house, they think everything's going to remain the same except that you move out. This arrangement may not last forever. The boys may change their minds once reality hits.

Kids tend to want a healthy home. And all you can do is provide that where you live. It's heartbreaking that courts still don't see alcoholism as a reason to not give a parent custody.

maia1234

Be patient. I don't think this is over yet.

Keep the faith!!

littlesister1

Hi again Tansy

When my parents FINALLY divorced my youner brother chose to live with my dad. My older brothers were out of the house.

I have talked to my younger brother about it a lot - he tells me he felt he needed to be with my dad because of "guy stuff"
He was only 13 or 14...........

For him it was the right decision, he got the sports, the hunting/fishing etc

It wasn't about anyone being a favorite......

Hope you are holding up

Tansy

I've not posted for a while but thanks for your replies. Update. He is so bad now a relative moved in weeks ago and is looking after my boys. I never knew! When I visited he stayed in his room. All 8 of my children kept it quiet. The relative being there is a good thing and ex is getting help...yet again. I have been asked to not go round as I trigger him off. He hardly let me visit lately so I don't think that is true but he lied to his relative about me. I can tell he has by his attitude towards me. 3 of my girls hate me cos they blame for his drinking too. I moved out over 6 months ago. He was back on hospital again lately on drink related issues. No one seems to care he has the boys even tho they knew hed left them in the care of my dd and not even told me he was in hospital. So I ma basically not able to see the boys now until or if he gets better and as I do not want to be accuse of affecting his recovery I am staying away. It is, as per, all about him. ( ps to answer above- he's never worked in 25 years. He's non functioning. DD remarked he has to improve from totally useless)

I am having a truly wonderful life apart from this. I have a great flat, a lot of friends and stuff I do as a volunteer.

Hawkeye13

Hi Tansy!
I missed you and am so glad to hear an update.

You are rebuilding your life and more has been revealed.
Hugs to you and please keep posting when you feel like it to let us know how you are

You sound in a much better place mentally now--isn't it great to be away from crazy?

Tansy

Thanks Hawkeye. I love, love, love my life now. It's great to be out of all that crazy and I love that if am overdrawn now it's my own fault! I have my gorgeous dog, walks on the beach everyday, fab friends and meaningful work. I get taken out for lunch every Sunday by a lovely bloke who is just a friend but has restored my faith in men. I get up everyday and thank God for all the blessings in my life.

FeelingGreat

Tansy, you deserve this time to look after yourself. The situation with the A will show those who know him, and your children, that he's capable of being an A whether you're around or not. The fact that a relative has had to move in says it all. Keep an eye out for the kids if you can. How old is the youngest?

hopeful4

Tansy....it's so good to hear from you! I am so happy that you know how important it is to maintain your life outside of all of the trouble with the X and kids.

Hugs to you!!!!

Tansy

The youngest are 16 but they are autistic. The relative is good with them. Exah has told many lies about me. Some have been believed. The biggest lie is I caused his drinking. He drank before I met him and has continued since I left. However that's cos he's upset I left, apparently, and doesn't want me around the boys as a reminder. It translates to he doesn't want me seeing what he is like. I have had to agree to stay away as I am affecting his "recovery" I know I am not but if he doesn't recover it will be my fault. He's a class act at manipulation and it seems only I and two of my older kids can see it. :/

Hawkeye13

You know Tansy, I think it is a blessing in a way to not have to see it.
I remember how much you suffered dealing with him and quite frankly were I in your place I wouldn't want to witness it.

As for the lies being told about you,
they say around here that what other people think of you is none of your business

Eventually, I bet all of them see the truth but it doesn't really matter as long as you are finding peace and happiness. . .

Tansy

It does matter tho. I can't be happy if i know my son's aren't. I wish my sons didn't have to witness it too. I am worried what will happen to them if exah doesn't recover or if he dies. He nearly died 3 times now in the past year. He's left them in his will to my two eldest as guardians but one is going to uni soon. his relative won't stay unless it suits him. It's a very precarious situation and I spoke one of the boys on the phone yesterday. He phoned me, which is unusual for him and he isn't happy. His main upset is the conversations he hears between exah and his brother. He told me his dad is full of bull and says lies about me. I don't care what exah is saying about me cos I know he lies all the time to everyone and always has but I do care it's upsetting my son. Also my son told me the relative and exah sit up all night and the relative drinks with him. Now I know that could mean nothing but the relative is a "recovered" alcoholic. Maybe he can drink now...I don't know but none of this is giving me a good feeling.

Hawkeye13

I hear you, but what can you do legally?

There is no benefit to you getting upset and worried if the kids are going to
stay unified behind him, right?

Unless the boys make their wishes known to go back to you,
is there any chance a court will change the custody order?

You're their mother and you love them
so I know it must be so painful to not be able to step in.

Have you checked with a lawyer to see if there is any recourse
given his hospitilizations, etc. for drinking?

Tansy

Yes I know you are right but they are my precious children. He's using them for the benefit they generate to fund his drinking. They are 16 but both disabled. There never was a custody order. I am in the UK. Custody orders finish at 16 here. He got the boys cos he refused to take less than 50% of the equity when the house was sold so I could buy a place for me and the boys. There wasn't enough value in the house for us both to have 50%. He would have used all the equity on legal fees fighting me . He said so. He's a real piece of work. They stayed with him cos I backed down and signed the house over to him so the boys would have a secure home even tho I'd bought it for cash in the first place. ( it's why he got with me but I didn't see it at the time). The judge said one of us had to let the house go.

When I moved out he seemed fairly OK. I thought he was coping but it was all a front. His brother been there ever since I moved out and his drinking is worse than ever. Legally I can do nothing. The divorce came through last November. I live in a small flat, I have no money for legal fees. I can hardly make my rent never mind go back to court. Even if I did nothing would be done as the boys are over 16. His doctor is aware he is an active alcoholic. So is my son's diabetic team and the hospital exah has been admitted to several time with drink related medical issues. No one cares. No one can upset him. He even accused me of stressing him and driving him to drink if I mention the boys need a dental appointment or new trainers cos the ones they have are too small. He cannot cope with the most mundane stuff in life without a huge drama and drinking. He got paralytic cos he got a bill he was worried he couldn't pay. Answer for him was go out and buy a load of booze instead. It's a nightmare. I've somehow got to distance myself from it but it's hard.

Hawkeye13

Yes, you do have to find some way to step back and make peace with this.

It is truly out of your hands it sounds like--
I wondered how he managed to keep a household paid for without work.

In the U.S., he'd just be homeless.

Does he get disability or something or is it your son's subsidy and the dole?

Hugs Tansy--such a tough place to be in, but talking to your sons is helping rebuild and stay connected with them. Maybe that's as much as you can do at the moment.