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Am I a bitch?

Old 10-14-2014, 12:26 PM
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Am I a bitch?

The back story is that my mom was friends with this lady for 65 years up until my mother died. So our families grew up together. My mom was very protective and offered her ear to the oldest girl (who is 62 now) over the years because of all of the strife in her family. So Julie (not her real name) was devastated when mom died. Julie also used to go to see my sister (who was a psychologist) years back. Since my sister and mom are now gone, Julie is leaning heavily on me for support.

She is ostracized from her family for various reasons that I cannot fathom and she is alone. Her kids live a good ways away from her and she rarely sees her g-kids. She is on disability and lives on the internet.

She started calling me every week to vent about her family issues etc. There was no conversation because I could not get a word in edgewise. Then she would tell me how much she loved my mom and my sister and I am a good listener like they were, etc.

I had to hang up on her Sunday eve because I just got too depressed listening to that stuff. I tried to interrupt her to say I had toget off the phone and she talked right over me. I could not get her attention. So I hung up

So, am I a bitch? She needs a friend, but wow.....

These types of encounters stir up issues for me which leads to drinking (maybe).
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:35 PM
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Of course not! We cannot allow others to drain our emotional sobriety at any costs......Or we may become undrunk!!

It sounds harsh perhaps, but it must be initially about YOU.
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:36 PM
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No not a bitch, some people can suck the life out of if we let them.

You may want to set some boundaries with her, let her know how you
are feeling.

You owe it to yourself to take care of you first, then others. If someone/thing
is making drinking seem like something you want to do, I would say it's a good thing to put some distance between you and them/it.

Not a bitch though by any means
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:38 PM
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You just need to set boundaries. Someone above said that. Relax. Set boundaries. A new friend is in the making.
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:39 PM
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Emotional Vampire.

Yeah…dial tone that.
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:39 PM
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Absolutely not, ArtFriend. You need to protect your sanity and your sobriety.

Is it possible to check caller ID before answering and let the call go to vm if it is a bad time to take rhe call or if you are not emotionally upmto a conversation; then you can return the call at a time that is good for you.

As the others said - boundaries.
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:40 PM
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No, not at all. Boundaries and learning to say 'No', are so, so important in recovery.

Maybe you could just let her calls go to voicemail sometimes?
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:57 PM
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Thanks everyone. I think the issues here are tied to the fact that my mom and sister were able to provide what obviously I cannot. That makes me feel badly. I used to be that "go to" person that people would come and tell their problems to because I really am a good listener. But, I guess those days are gone? Yeah...new boundaries and new territory for me.
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
No, not at all. Boundaries and learning to say 'No', are so, so important in recovery.

Maybe you could just let her calls go to voicemail sometimes?
This
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:04 PM
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Don't feel bad and definitely not like a bitch.

You've got to set boundaries for you. Not as your mother or sister would have, but for you and your sanity.

Best of luck!
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:13 PM
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No you are definitely not a bitch. I am a "good listener" too, and people always see fit to tell me their life story and go on and on because they know I will listen. I finally learned to draw boundaries with people because they will take advantage of your time and emotions. Good for you for looking out for you. It's really important. If she asks why you hung up, let her know that you are there for her, but she needs to respect you and your time as well.
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:16 PM
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You gotta look after YOU in all of this, imagine you listen to one of these phone calls and it leads you to go and have a binge of alcohol leading to all sorts of consequences, in hindsight you would have preferred that you had hung up!!

Recovery is the priority!!
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:27 PM
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Not at all. You need to take care of yourself. I've had problems with compulsive talkers. I have felt overwhelmed and drained. I read an article that said it's okay to interrupt and even call them on it in a kind way like saying "I'd like to share something now." Some may not even realize what they're doing is inappropriate and need to be taught.
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:34 PM
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No you're not a bitch. I had a similar thread here not too long ago about a "friend" who was draining me in a similar way.

She's an emotional vampire. Don't feel bad you cut her off. She probably talked for another 10 minutes before she noticed you weren't on the phone anymore.
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Old 10-14-2014, 02:03 PM
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When was the last time she asked about you, and how you are doing?

There is a reason nobody wants to talk with her, she probably wore everyone out with her constant bitching and complaining.
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Old 10-14-2014, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by FormerDrunkGuy View Post
When was the last time she asked about you, and how you are doing?

There is a reason nobody wants to talk with her, she probably wore everyone out with her constant bitching and complaining.
Excellent point! She actually never asks anything about me come to think of it. Too self involved I guess.
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Old 10-14-2014, 04:04 PM
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No, sometimes it's best and understandable to disconnect when people show surprising manners. In recovery or not, people have a right to set boundaries.

But there might be an opportunity for some good here (or maybe not), e.g., if you were to call her sometime and bring up the notion of two-way communication.

You might be the only one in a position right now to help that lonely soul recognize her off-putting behavior. Or at least plant a seed that might not grow right away.

But if it does sprout it might have benefits for her life beyond the connection with you.
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Old 10-14-2014, 04:10 PM
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Thank you ForgetfulKevin. That was a lovely post and I certainly will give it some thought. I appreciate that you can see that I don't really want to cut her off altogether but yet I need my own space. I love the idea of "planting a seed" and helping this lonely soul.
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