struck back on a quack attack
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
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struck back on a quack attack
Hi,
I'm in recovery and my husband is an alcoholic. I'm just learning the damage that living with an alcoholic all these years has done to my identity. My family is in need of childcare and my husband was just complaining to me about how my parents never help, and his mother helps all the time. My mother has ongoing health issues that prevent her from working and my father is retired but lives 30 minutes away. Neither of them will commit to childcare.
I put a stop to his complaining about my parents - and he turned his attitude towards me, by snickering and making a sarcastic comment that made absolutely no sense. Then he started an argument with me about making a big deal out of nothing.
When I drank, and was knee deep in codependency, I would agree with him during these conversations, then follow up by harassing my parents for not helping me. This behavior made me feel lousy because I know that my childcare needs are not either of their responsibilities. It never changed their decisions, either.
It's interesting to me how now in recovery this situation is playing out so differently than it did in the past. It feels liberating to write when he's done something to hurt me that he claims isn't hurtful - because his main quack is that I think things are hurtful that aren't meant to be hurtful.
If I'm hurt, he has no right to claim I'm not hurt!
If it wasn't a "quack," he wouldn't have escalated the situation from complaining about my parents to making sarcastic comments about me.
I'm in recovery and my husband is an alcoholic. I'm just learning the damage that living with an alcoholic all these years has done to my identity. My family is in need of childcare and my husband was just complaining to me about how my parents never help, and his mother helps all the time. My mother has ongoing health issues that prevent her from working and my father is retired but lives 30 minutes away. Neither of them will commit to childcare.
I put a stop to his complaining about my parents - and he turned his attitude towards me, by snickering and making a sarcastic comment that made absolutely no sense. Then he started an argument with me about making a big deal out of nothing.
When I drank, and was knee deep in codependency, I would agree with him during these conversations, then follow up by harassing my parents for not helping me. This behavior made me feel lousy because I know that my childcare needs are not either of their responsibilities. It never changed their decisions, either.
It's interesting to me how now in recovery this situation is playing out so differently than it did in the past. It feels liberating to write when he's done something to hurt me that he claims isn't hurtful - because his main quack is that I think things are hurtful that aren't meant to be hurtful.
If I'm hurt, he has no right to claim I'm not hurt!
If it wasn't a "quack," he wouldn't have escalated the situation from complaining about my parents to making sarcastic comments about me.
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I remember sometimes (in the early years, before I was too afraid to) thinking to myself during those quack attacks "Geez, it's like dealing with a hungry and tired toddler -- I half feel like telling him to sit down and have a glass of OJ and see if raising the blood sugar can make him make some sense......"
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
I love Duck Dynasty. I really do. Those folks make me laugh.
In one scene they were putting up a tent outside. I didn't notice right away but they were all looking around in the sky. That's when I heard the Ducks quacking. Being Duck hunters they all heard it.
What'd they do?
Went back to setting up their tent. Didn't say a word regarding the quacks.
In one scene they were putting up a tent outside. I didn't notice right away but they were all looking around in the sky. That's when I heard the Ducks quacking. Being Duck hunters they all heard it.
What'd they do?
Went back to setting up their tent. Didn't say a word regarding the quacks.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
When he quacks, I detach. Also when he says "sweet" things I don't put much weight on it. Usually there is no follow through. I'm not sure if that is a normal detachment or defense mechanism. I'm bitter and resentful from all those years of saying yes when I wanted to say no, and from being convinced to say yes after I said no.
Over the years I've blamed work, finances, kids, other commitments, for not doing what I want in life, and thought "if only...then...." But the bottom line is that I need to realign my priorities to match my values instead of twisting like a pretzel into what other people want. I may be behaving more defensively than usual - and hubby may not find that very palatable after having a yes-woman all these years.
I'm tired of struggling and feeling hurt. I just want to fast forward to my next happily ever after.
Over the years I've blamed work, finances, kids, other commitments, for not doing what I want in life, and thought "if only...then...." But the bottom line is that I need to realign my priorities to match my values instead of twisting like a pretzel into what other people want. I may be behaving more defensively than usual - and hubby may not find that very palatable after having a yes-woman all these years.
I'm tired of struggling and feeling hurt. I just want to fast forward to my next happily ever after.
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