Coming out of hiding
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 81
Coming out of hiding
Hello, all:
I've been lurking here for about three years, now, and think it's time I introduce myself a bit.
Well...I enjoyed drinking since I first started as a teenager, very much. Sometimes I've over-done it with mostly embarrassing results, but I always managed to control it over the years - until about five years ago. I'm not sure how/why it happened, but I stepped over that invisible line from heavy drinker to problem drinker. About 2-3 years ago I concluded that I definitely have a problem and have been searching for a way out of it since then.
I was so desperate I went to AA last year and managed to quit for six months. I lost it on the eve of my six month anniversary (ironic). Anyway, I've been trying to get "it" back for about eight months now.
I'm a natural introvert although I do like to be around people, too. I think the booze gave me liquid courage in that way. I live in my head and think too deeply sometimes so, not surprisingly, I suffer from depression. I think I've probably always been mildly depressed, but alcohol certainly doesn't help.
It shouldn't be surprising to hear my 30-year marriage is suffering now that I told my husband I have a problem. To be honest, it's not just me, there are other issues besides my drinking. He was very, very tolerant, though, buying me bottles of wine until I told him to stop it (several times).
Anyway, I haven't had anything to drink since Tuesday (10/7). I've missed three days of work to do this and I think I'll be ok come Monday. My husband is out of town until next Friday, which I think is a good thing. I'm going to use whatever tool I need to use (I know them all!).
Oh, and I'm switching from cigarettes to vaping to help me quit smoking.
I'll probably continue to mostly lurk, maybe post once in a while.
I'm so thankful to you all for showing me it can be done and that maybe, just maybe, I'm not alone in my alcoholic thinking.
I've been lurking here for about three years, now, and think it's time I introduce myself a bit.
Well...I enjoyed drinking since I first started as a teenager, very much. Sometimes I've over-done it with mostly embarrassing results, but I always managed to control it over the years - until about five years ago. I'm not sure how/why it happened, but I stepped over that invisible line from heavy drinker to problem drinker. About 2-3 years ago I concluded that I definitely have a problem and have been searching for a way out of it since then.
I was so desperate I went to AA last year and managed to quit for six months. I lost it on the eve of my six month anniversary (ironic). Anyway, I've been trying to get "it" back for about eight months now.
I'm a natural introvert although I do like to be around people, too. I think the booze gave me liquid courage in that way. I live in my head and think too deeply sometimes so, not surprisingly, I suffer from depression. I think I've probably always been mildly depressed, but alcohol certainly doesn't help.
It shouldn't be surprising to hear my 30-year marriage is suffering now that I told my husband I have a problem. To be honest, it's not just me, there are other issues besides my drinking. He was very, very tolerant, though, buying me bottles of wine until I told him to stop it (several times).
Anyway, I haven't had anything to drink since Tuesday (10/7). I've missed three days of work to do this and I think I'll be ok come Monday. My husband is out of town until next Friday, which I think is a good thing. I'm going to use whatever tool I need to use (I know them all!).
Oh, and I'm switching from cigarettes to vaping to help me quit smoking.
I'll probably continue to mostly lurk, maybe post once in a while.
I'm so thankful to you all for showing me it can be done and that maybe, just maybe, I'm not alone in my alcoholic thinking.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Welcome, Boylan! I think it's great that you took a few days off of work and also, that your husband is out of town. I've only been married 12 years but I swear some days it FEELS like 30!!! We are here to support you. Thanks for posting. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
I can so identify with this story. The progression is very similar to my own. The cycle can be broken with a little hard work. It's very difficult to work on relationship issues until you can clear your head and can think rationally.
Good Luck! You can do it!
Good Luck! You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Hi Boylan, there's no maybe about it...your not alone in your thinking. Other than the fact that I'm a middle aged guy, your description fits me to a tee. Although it's very very hard for me, I'm actively trying to not overthink/analyze every little thing. I do know that my thoughts always got decidedly more negative when drinking. Which begs the question of why I drank to feel 'better'. Hope your weekend goes well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 76
I can certainly relate you your story. I wanted to chime in and share with you that I suffered from depression for years and thought it would always be like that.
I did NOT however, listen to the dozen or so professionals (MDs, psychs, social workers) who told me that my depression was being made much worse by my drinking. I never stopped for long enough to give myself a chance to rebound and start getting better. I would always stop for a few days and say "oh well, still depressed, must not be the booze".
After being away from drinking for some time now, I can tell you that the depression is nearly gone. I still have some bad days and bad thoughts, but overall I can tell you that I am happy. The anxiety that used to accompany the depression is gone too. There was a time in my life that I couldn't go to the grocery store because I was so anxious (and drunk)- for 6 months I just unplugged my refrigerator since I wasn't able to go out in public without a panic attack.
Long story short, you may find that the depression gets substantially better after a few months without alcohol. Good luck! Welcome!
I did NOT however, listen to the dozen or so professionals (MDs, psychs, social workers) who told me that my depression was being made much worse by my drinking. I never stopped for long enough to give myself a chance to rebound and start getting better. I would always stop for a few days and say "oh well, still depressed, must not be the booze".
After being away from drinking for some time now, I can tell you that the depression is nearly gone. I still have some bad days and bad thoughts, but overall I can tell you that I am happy. The anxiety that used to accompany the depression is gone too. There was a time in my life that I couldn't go to the grocery store because I was so anxious (and drunk)- for 6 months I just unplugged my refrigerator since I wasn't able to go out in public without a panic attack.
Long story short, you may find that the depression gets substantially better after a few months without alcohol. Good luck! Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 81
Thank you all so much for the welcome. I am so hoping my depression eases up at least some. My brain is so muddled and mushy, my thoughts are just so negative. I just want a clear head for once so I can make decent decisions!
Today is day 4 for me. And I have done nothing, absolutely nothing, but lay on the couch with my laptop and SR. That's it.
I do have some errands to run today, so I'll do that I suppose.
My sleep has been pretty good the last two nights. Usually, when I drink my sleep pattern is terrible, waking up during the night, etc. And, this morning, I can't believe this, I actually woke up BEFORE my alarm clock. That's great!
I still feel hungover, though, and have a pretty bad headache. I'm gonna try to get out for a walk, I think that will help.
Today is day 4 for me. And I have done nothing, absolutely nothing, but lay on the couch with my laptop and SR. That's it.
I do have some errands to run today, so I'll do that I suppose.
My sleep has been pretty good the last two nights. Usually, when I drink my sleep pattern is terrible, waking up during the night, etc. And, this morning, I can't believe this, I actually woke up BEFORE my alarm clock. That's great!
I still feel hungover, though, and have a pretty bad headache. I'm gonna try to get out for a walk, I think that will help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Hi, Boylan! Welcome to the posting side- and welcome back to the sobriety side, too. 6 months is impressive, you can use what you learned during those sober months, now. Once you are feeling better, it would be good to think about why you lost your momentum, so you don't get blindsided again. You know we are here for you!
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