Help. I am Not Sure What to Do Anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 4
Help. I am Not Sure What to Do Anymore
Like everyone else, my story is long, hard, and painful. I am married (separated 22 months now but stuck in limbo) to an AW with stage 4 liver disease. She was diagnosed 3 years ago and continues to drink. I have two young, beautiful daughters 7, and 10. 2 years ago, she ran away to drink and did not make contact for 6 days until she showed up in the hospital. That was more than I could take. I did not want my girls to be exposed to that. I asked her to leave our home and she did. Since then (22 months have passed), she has been to 5 rehabs and 6 sober livings (all of which she was kicked out for drinking). In 22 months, she has never exceeded 90 days with out drinking with the average about 30 days or so. IT always ends with her in the hospital and then a detox center. In 22 months, she has disappeared with no contact with me or the girls for a total of about 69 days.
Most recently (September 1), she disappeared for 10 days and was brought by ambulance to a hospital where she was in an alcoholic coma for 4 days on a ventilator. She tried to kill herself via vodka. She then went to detox and rehab. She got out a week ago and was staying with a friend. She attended her daughter's sleep over party this past Saturday. Yesterday, she used the garage code to get in my house and was drinking all day. When I confronted her, she got up and left. She has since texted me that she loves me and the kids and they are her world. I should take care of them and comfort them and she will always love us. She said she wants to finish what she tried a month ago and she won't contact me again. Goodbye forever my husband.
I am terrified for her, for my girls. I can not control what she does but i feel helpless. Should I call the police and report it? Should I see what happens?
I am always looking for her, trying to save her, rescue her. When is enough. I am so broken it is ridiculous.
Most recently (September 1), she disappeared for 10 days and was brought by ambulance to a hospital where she was in an alcoholic coma for 4 days on a ventilator. She tried to kill herself via vodka. She then went to detox and rehab. She got out a week ago and was staying with a friend. She attended her daughter's sleep over party this past Saturday. Yesterday, she used the garage code to get in my house and was drinking all day. When I confronted her, she got up and left. She has since texted me that she loves me and the kids and they are her world. I should take care of them and comfort them and she will always love us. She said she wants to finish what she tried a month ago and she won't contact me again. Goodbye forever my husband.
I am terrified for her, for my girls. I can not control what she does but i feel helpless. Should I call the police and report it? Should I see what happens?
I am always looking for her, trying to save her, rescue her. When is enough. I am so broken it is ridiculous.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry, how awful for you and your girls. Change your keypad first of all, you don't want to take the risk of your children finding her in your home. That's a lot of trauma for them.
Each time she does this, I would report it to the police.
You cannot save or rescue her if she does not want to be saved. It's a sad fact that some don't have a "bottom" so to speak.
I hope you and your children seek counseling from a counselor who specializes in addiction. So so sorry you are going through this, how tragic. We are here, you do not have to walk this walk alone.
Each time she does this, I would report it to the police.
You cannot save or rescue her if she does not want to be saved. It's a sad fact that some don't have a "bottom" so to speak.
I hope you and your children seek counseling from a counselor who specializes in addiction. So so sorry you are going through this, how tragic. We are here, you do not have to walk this walk alone.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Is your wife allowed to pick the children up from school? From daycare?
Your story is a tragedy waiting to happen, and I'm not talking about your AW's downfall.
It only takes one time for your AW to pick up the kids without your knowledge, and plow all three of them headfirst into a Semi Truck while she's driving under the influence.
You need to get a protective order/restraining order...whatever it takes, so that your AW is not allowed to get those girls all by herself.
That's my advice.
Everything else about what to do about your AW? Well, there's nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.
The only thing you can do is to protect yourself and your daughters from her.
Your story is a tragedy waiting to happen, and I'm not talking about your AW's downfall.
It only takes one time for your AW to pick up the kids without your knowledge, and plow all three of them headfirst into a Semi Truck while she's driving under the influence.
You need to get a protective order/restraining order...whatever it takes, so that your AW is not allowed to get those girls all by herself.
That's my advice.
Everything else about what to do about your AW? Well, there's nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.
The only thing you can do is to protect yourself and your daughters from her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 4
Thank you. Yes, I have taken those steps. I have full parental control. And she is not authorized to pick the children up for any reason at any time.
It is hard because I still love her and want to save her but seem futile...at best.
It is hard because I still love her and want to save her but seem futile...at best.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You are a good, loving father and you should be proud of yourself for taking the hard steps to protect your children. Hard as it is to see your ex spiral downward like this, I think focusing on your own health and your children is the absolutely best use of your time and energy. (((hugs))) It was hard for me, too, because my ex like yours was making asinine decisions and putting himself in danger.
If you know where your ex is, you could call the police, tell them she's threatened suicide, and ask them to do a welfare check.
Your children will need a lot of your support and energy in years to come. I know from experience. In retrospect, I regret wasting so much energy on an adult who doesn't appreciate it instead of putting it towards the children I am responsible for.
If you know where your ex is, you could call the police, tell them she's threatened suicide, and ask them to do a welfare check.
Your children will need a lot of your support and energy in years to come. I know from experience. In retrospect, I regret wasting so much energy on an adult who doesn't appreciate it instead of putting it towards the children I am responsible for.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Please don't torture yourself with the idea that you can save her. She has to save herself, and before that, she has to want to be saved. I'm so sorry you are going through this but commend you for taking positive steps to protect your children.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
LostinPain,
I am so sorry. I hope that you are getting help for you and the kids. You have no other option but to give this over to God (or your higher power). You have to turn it over to them. You can't do anything else but take care of you!! She truly has not hit rock bottom yet and until that happens there is nothing that you can do.
Take comfort that she does love you and the kids and that she has a terrible, horrible disease. I am so sorry!!
I am so sorry. I hope that you are getting help for you and the kids. You have no other option but to give this over to God (or your higher power). You have to turn it over to them. You can't do anything else but take care of you!! She truly has not hit rock bottom yet and until that happens there is nothing that you can do.
Take comfort that she does love you and the kids and that she has a terrible, horrible disease. I am so sorry!!
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
It may help you to feel better by submitting a missing persons report with the police.
It won't do much to help your wife, but it can give you some peace of mind knowing you've done what you can to try and make sure she is safe.
It won't do much to help your wife, but it can give you some peace of mind knowing you've done what you can to try and make sure she is safe.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 52
One of the saddest and most frustrating issues when dealing with an active addict is frequently this professing of "love" for family and how that love, especially for the children, is their "whole world." Obviously in your situation, it is not her whole world since she is in the midst of destroying it with reckless and selfish abandon. Another woeful example of why substance abuse is referred to as a family disease.
This type of reaction occurring shortly after detox/rehab is unfortunately not that uncommon. It is a very tricky period for an addict.
If you still have an emotional commitment to your wife, I believe you should pursue her status and continue communications however possible. Regardless of these most recent behaviors, she is a mother whose children can be the most powerful motivation to get her life straightened out. I've found that a woman's father (if the relationship is not totally severed) can also have a profound effect on getting her attention and helping her find a solution in a loving way.
From what you've written, it sounds like your wife is very scared and confused about what to do. So she turned to her friend in the bottle for help.
This type of reaction occurring shortly after detox/rehab is unfortunately not that uncommon. It is a very tricky period for an addict.
If you still have an emotional commitment to your wife, I believe you should pursue her status and continue communications however possible. Regardless of these most recent behaviors, she is a mother whose children can be the most powerful motivation to get her life straightened out. I've found that a woman's father (if the relationship is not totally severed) can also have a profound effect on getting her attention and helping her find a solution in a loving way.
From what you've written, it sounds like your wife is very scared and confused about what to do. So she turned to her friend in the bottle for help.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
LostInPain- SO sorry to hear of your pain... believe me, I know. I think we all know... and with that, all I can offer is you're not alone.
I do believe our addicted loved ones DO love us, love the family. Somehow, though, the addiction overrides any sense of motivation to break the relentless cycle of drink, shame, do bad things, more shame, more drink, repeat.
It is so powerful in some people, perhaps those with no "bottom" that even the following does not pull them out of the nose-dive. I know first hand.
In my case, none of this even remotely changed the trajectory of disease.
I concur with others here that you can't save her, only she can save herself... words spoken to me long ago (and which I did NOT believe to be true at that time).
Take care of yourself, and your girls. That's all you CAN do.
I do believe our addicted loved ones DO love us, love the family. Somehow, though, the addiction overrides any sense of motivation to break the relentless cycle of drink, shame, do bad things, more shame, more drink, repeat.
It is so powerful in some people, perhaps those with no "bottom" that even the following does not pull them out of the nose-dive. I know first hand.
Originally Posted by alumni 
...she is a mother whose children can be the most powerful motivation to get her life straightened out. I've found that a woman's father (if the relationship is not totally severed) can also have a profound effect on getting her attention and helping her find a solution in a loving way.
I concur with others here that you can't save her, only she can save herself... words spoken to me long ago (and which I did NOT believe to be true at that time).
Take care of yourself, and your girls. That's all you CAN do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Woodman123
In my case, none of this even remotely changed the trajectory of disease.
I concur with others here that you can't save her, only she can save herself... words spoken to me long ago (and which I did NOT believe to be true at that time).
Take care of yourself, and your girls. That's all you CAN do.
I concur with others here that you can't save her, only she can save herself... words spoken to me long ago (and which I did NOT believe to be true at that time).
Take care of yourself, and your girls. That's all you CAN do.
But in the situation described, it appears to be a relapse occurring very soon after detox/rehab. I don't personally believe that is the right time to slam the door.
It of course depends on the existing emotional relationship this poster currently feels for his wife and mother of these children but reaching out and communicating with love and concern can potentially have a positive effect.
The dynamic between a mother and her offspring is a very powerful force. Is it more powerful than alcohol? Try every way possible to find out.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I respectfully disagree with you, alumni.
Being a single parent to a brood of children harmed by an alcoholic parent is one heckuva challenge in itself. Honestly, with the history I'm seeing of this particular alcoholic, I would not waste any more of my life and energy on trying to "save" this person. She is an adult who deserves to be allowed to make her own choices.
My attempts at saving my ex from drinking almost got me and my children killed in the process. There is providing sane support, and there's going to insane lengths in order to try to do the impossible. And I feel like a lot of times, us codies are pretty good at doing the insane lengths thing completely without people telling us to do that.
I would say it's less of an issue of "slamming the door in the face of someone right out of rehab" and more of an issue of realizing that when an alcoholic has done 5 rehabs and 6 "sober living" and drunk her way out of it, it's probably a very good time to cut your losses and focus on what can be saved.
Being a single parent to a brood of children harmed by an alcoholic parent is one heckuva challenge in itself. Honestly, with the history I'm seeing of this particular alcoholic, I would not waste any more of my life and energy on trying to "save" this person. She is an adult who deserves to be allowed to make her own choices.
My attempts at saving my ex from drinking almost got me and my children killed in the process. There is providing sane support, and there's going to insane lengths in order to try to do the impossible. And I feel like a lot of times, us codies are pretty good at doing the insane lengths thing completely without people telling us to do that.
I would say it's less of an issue of "slamming the door in the face of someone right out of rehab" and more of an issue of realizing that when an alcoholic has done 5 rehabs and 6 "sober living" and drunk her way out of it, it's probably a very good time to cut your losses and focus on what can be saved.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I agree lillamy, at some point you need to hand it over to the "higher power". She is in his hands now. There is nothing, that already hasn't been done to help this women. She will have to do it herself, God willing.
The best thing for the family is counseling and get help for themselves. Give it to GOD!!
The best thing for the family is counseling and get help for themselves. Give it to GOD!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I posted this to another gentleman's page. I'm sorry it applies to you as well:
I used to be in total denial about how devastating alcoholism is to a family.
Your revelation about your situation is a case in point that the alcoholic loves their drink more than anything else in their entire life, even their children.
This apparently trumps a basic motherly instinct, present in the entire animal world, for a mother to protect her offspring to the point of endangering her own life.
Absolutely shocking! My heart goes out to you guys. "
I used to be in total denial about how devastating alcoholism is to a family.
Your revelation about your situation is a case in point that the alcoholic loves their drink more than anything else in their entire life, even their children.
This apparently trumps a basic motherly instinct, present in the entire animal world, for a mother to protect her offspring to the point of endangering her own life.
Absolutely shocking! My heart goes out to you guys. "
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Buffalo, MN
Posts: 21
I'm so sorry LostinPain. Your story puts a knot in my stomach. I've only just arrived here myself, but from what I've seen, we will find lots of support here. I will be praying for you and your kids.
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