Lost my freedom because of him.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Lost my freedom because of him.
I am pissed off, I don't know where this has come from but id say it's triggered by PTSD (it's a long weekend, hot, and there's a footy final on tonight and I'm in an area I use to live in with the ex as I write this) today I was exposed to large groups of people laughing, having fun, hanging out in pubs in an area that he and his girlfriend were living in. At first I felt sad, all the things around me which I haven't seen in so so so so so so so so long... And recalling all the things he said the last time I was around this stuff which was 2 years ago... Recalling him lying about everything and now discovering he was living with a woman in the very area I am standing in today... A woman I didn't even know about, situation after situation he lied to me about... My body and mind are in shock.. After a while I start to cry and get mad.. Looking around me what I could see was free people out and about enjoying life (something that's been foreign to me for so long because I've been a full time working single mother since my son was five weeks old).. Can I just say I hate him!!!! I ******* can't stand him!!!! It's because of him I lost my freedom for two ******* years!!!!!!!!! I want to scream I want to cry!!! Why why why why!!!!! Why me!!! Why me!!! Why did he get all the freedom and I get a jail sentence!!!!! 2 years of my life gone because of him.. I'm so hurt.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Hi Killer...it may not seem like it now, but building a new life for yourself these kinds of memories will eventually fade.
I don't know if you do this already, but journalling out anger kind of helped in the beginning when I was full of anger that no amount of talking to my ex would fix.
People say this will pass, and it used to **** me off....you aren't living this hurt, I'd think. But how you conduct yourself now has huge implications for your child down the track. And you only have control over you.
Be the bigger person. Trust me....my children now see all the things for themselves. So many times I bit my tongue, but I'm so glad I did. As adults they see him for what he is and what he did.
I don't know if any of this can comfort you now, but try to enjoy whatever event it is you are attending, it's your city too!
I don't know if you do this already, but journalling out anger kind of helped in the beginning when I was full of anger that no amount of talking to my ex would fix.
People say this will pass, and it used to **** me off....you aren't living this hurt, I'd think. But how you conduct yourself now has huge implications for your child down the track. And you only have control over you.
Be the bigger person. Trust me....my children now see all the things for themselves. So many times I bit my tongue, but I'm so glad I did. As adults they see him for what he is and what he did.
I don't know if any of this can comfort you now, but try to enjoy whatever event it is you are attending, it's your city too!
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Join Date: May 2014
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Thank you. I am just so angry ... for two years I was in lock down.. What was he doing for two years? And where has this reality check come from I don't know all I know is that this isn't fair. now that my eyes are open.. I lost two years of my freedom because of him and who's going to pay for it!!!! No one... I'm so so angry at the injustice of it all..
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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KI, I've had similar feelings lately. I thought I was past this, but clearly not. I find myself remembering incident after incident of lying and the innumerable times that blame was shifted onto me. Things that I hadn't even thought of before are suddenly arising in my mind, along w/the thought "yeah, THIS was part of it too, wasn't it?" I'm incredibly angry, both at myself for accepting this kind of life and at him for dishing it out.
I think, for me, the trigger was this: I've taken a part-time job to help cover some major expenses we've had this year. He has done nothing extra to help, claims it's not necessary and "we'll be fine." THIS is what I think has brought on the anger--of COURSE he thinks we'll be fine, we've always been fine in the past b/c I WORKED 2 JOBS OR I WORKED OT SO THAT IT WOULD BE FINE! And meanwhile he spent the money on his secret smoking and drinking...and here we are again, me working extra, him not liking it. YES I am angry! Like you, I feel that I have lost years of my life that I'll never get back.
I've begun to take some action, based on that realization. It's frightening. It makes me sad. But the anger seems to have been the Universe's way of getting my attention and then giving me a shove to get moving again.
Maybe your anger can provide some kind of motivation for you, also? No great insights here, just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
ETA: One of the things I was told early on was that my A was not drinking "at me", he was just drinking. It's what A's do, just like lying. When I get very angry, I try to remember this, and sometimes it helps. Sometimes not, though...
I think, for me, the trigger was this: I've taken a part-time job to help cover some major expenses we've had this year. He has done nothing extra to help, claims it's not necessary and "we'll be fine." THIS is what I think has brought on the anger--of COURSE he thinks we'll be fine, we've always been fine in the past b/c I WORKED 2 JOBS OR I WORKED OT SO THAT IT WOULD BE FINE! And meanwhile he spent the money on his secret smoking and drinking...and here we are again, me working extra, him not liking it. YES I am angry! Like you, I feel that I have lost years of my life that I'll never get back.
I've begun to take some action, based on that realization. It's frightening. It makes me sad. But the anger seems to have been the Universe's way of getting my attention and then giving me a shove to get moving again.
Maybe your anger can provide some kind of motivation for you, also? No great insights here, just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
ETA: One of the things I was told early on was that my A was not drinking "at me", he was just drinking. It's what A's do, just like lying. When I get very angry, I try to remember this, and sometimes it helps. Sometimes not, though...
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Honeypig, wow what you've said is profound!!! I can learn so much from you.. I hope I made the right decisions to leave the a behind.. I have days were I miss him terribly and feel so so so hurt... I'm trying so god damn freaking hard to not create more problems for my life but feeling the pain is awful. Now I know why people become addicts because pain is hard to deal with - it's awful... But I can't be like that. The God lord is real and he is with me on this journey to healing.. And you too.. You all infact
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I say this is all kindness…..you didn't lose your freedom because of him, you lost it because of you.
Normal people don't put up with this sh!t. We aren't normal, we are codies sometimes as sick as our addict counterparts or sicker. Normies would kick this person to the curb in a hot minute - most wouldn't even engage in the relationship as the red flags are flying.
His continuous lies and addictions were seen throughout and like most of us you chose not to leave; rather, hope that things would change and get better. Try like hell to make them better, try to offer them a better life, try to change them.
The prison was in your mind. You could have always left. Unfortunately a child between the two of you makes contact something that you will have to deal with. Hopefully it won't be much.
YOu have your freedom now. As for him, listen, it ain't what you picture it to be. Addiction is a miserable life. In the end it d*mns them all.
Normal people don't put up with this sh!t. We aren't normal, we are codies sometimes as sick as our addict counterparts or sicker. Normies would kick this person to the curb in a hot minute - most wouldn't even engage in the relationship as the red flags are flying.
His continuous lies and addictions were seen throughout and like most of us you chose not to leave; rather, hope that things would change and get better. Try like hell to make them better, try to offer them a better life, try to change them.
The prison was in your mind. You could have always left. Unfortunately a child between the two of you makes contact something that you will have to deal with. Hopefully it won't be much.
YOu have your freedom now. As for him, listen, it ain't what you picture it to be. Addiction is a miserable life. In the end it d*mns them all.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by killerinstinct 
Honeypig, wow what you've said is profound!!! I can learn so much from you.. I hope I made the right decisions to leave the a behind.. I have days were I miss him terribly and feel so so so hurt... I'm trying so god damn freaking hard to not create more problems for my life but feeling the pain is awful. Now I know why people become addicts because pain is hard to deal with - it's awful... But I can't be like that. The God lord is real and he is with me on this journey to healing.. And you too.. You all infact
Oh you did the right thing. I promise you did. My AH that I took back after a "I'm done" remark. That's his new thing. Being "done". With life I assume. Suicide threats bc he knows I will come running on that one. The last 2 days I didn't run. He's still alive and trashed. He is raging against me. Threatening to turn me In For insurance fraud. Threatening to cause problems with my job. Lashing out how horrible I am for cutting his phone off again. Same reason as last time talking to his ex in Russia. I'm not paying for that. So of course I ruin his ONLY chance for work. Even though he has 2 working cell phone. 1 I pay for and then another one he turned on for whatever reason. BUT bc he didn't have MY phone he couldn't work. WTF???
I just want to remind you what you left. I'm gone again. I sent him a picture this morning of the bruise I still have from where he decided out of the blue for no reason to bite me. I told him this is what his love looks like. That was after a text about how he's done and loves me.
Just don't forget. You were exactly right and I knew it would end up going down this way but I wasn't ready for whatever reason to walk. I'm ready now and turning in the papers. I'm seeing him today to go to sprint and have his phone line moved off my account and onto his own.
I know how hard being a single mom is and how damn unfair that you can barely eat and he's off in la la land having a ball. Your stuck with all the pain and responsibility and struggle. It's total BS but you are SO much better off. I think it's hard to get past the devil you know. It is for me anyway. Even though it has now turned physical I still love him. I'm walking but it hurts and I hate it. Nonetheless. It's still better than the massive amounts of abuse I put up with.
Sending you hope. It does get better as the kids get older. It gets easier bc they can help you more. My son is my best friend. He will be 20 this month. Stay the course and contact me anytime you need to vent or whatever. Mental illness and alcoholism go hand in hand and is a very ugly beast indeed.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Hi Killer,
Just wanted to say that I'm truly sorry you're feeling so much anger and rage. I understand what you are saying. I wish that I had a magic wand for all of us who go thru these negative feelings. We all experience them at some time or another.
Killer, this might sound corny, and maybe it is corny but I want to say it anyway...... He took those two years from you, so to speak. Don't.. DO NOT... allow him to take anymore! You feeling so angry and rageful will only give to him more years. Do your best to shake that poisonous junk off, and go start YOUR life. Live and be happy. Live and be thankful he is no longer in your presence.
You deserve to live the rest of your life glad for the lesson, making a promise you will not allow such misery in your life again!
Just wanted to say that I'm truly sorry you're feeling so much anger and rage. I understand what you are saying. I wish that I had a magic wand for all of us who go thru these negative feelings. We all experience them at some time or another.
Killer, this might sound corny, and maybe it is corny but I want to say it anyway...... He took those two years from you, so to speak. Don't.. DO NOT... allow him to take anymore! You feeling so angry and rageful will only give to him more years. Do your best to shake that poisonous junk off, and go start YOUR life. Live and be happy. Live and be thankful he is no longer in your presence.
You deserve to live the rest of your life glad for the lesson, making a promise you will not allow such misery in your life again!
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Allowing those feelings is a good thing, no matter how painful they are. I found that anger kept me committed to not letting the A back into my life. And remember that you haven't been in prison for two years - you've been with your kiddo and been a mom and that's some pretty tall corn.
I had to grieve the time I felt I wasted being married to an A. Forgive myself for not leaving earlier. And then move forward to the rest of life.
There's adventure and sunshine on the other side of the pain. But let yourself feel it. That's how we get through it.
I had to grieve the time I felt I wasted being married to an A. Forgive myself for not leaving earlier. And then move forward to the rest of life.
There's adventure and sunshine on the other side of the pain. But let yourself feel it. That's how we get through it.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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On the surface I agree with Redatlanta -- you allowed yourself to be in that prison. But think about it, was it really a prison?
You were busy loving and taking care of your child and providing a stable environment. In your mind, your husband was out "having fun." To me as an outsider he is stuck at a low level of existence, a slave to his impulsiveness, need for immediate gratification, and lack of discipline.
You will look back and be proud of yourself someday. Oh sure, there will be regrets, but at least you stood by your kid. Your man, well, he won't have anything to be proud of. But chances are he'll be as shallow and crass as he is today. Best to just see him for who he is, get him out of your life, and move on.
You were busy loving and taking care of your child and providing a stable environment. In your mind, your husband was out "having fun." To me as an outsider he is stuck at a low level of existence, a slave to his impulsiveness, need for immediate gratification, and lack of discipline.
You will look back and be proud of yourself someday. Oh sure, there will be regrets, but at least you stood by your kid. Your man, well, he won't have anything to be proud of. But chances are he'll be as shallow and crass as he is today. Best to just see him for who he is, get him out of your life, and move on.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
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My counselor told me that there is nothing wrong with feeling anger. Anger is just a feeling, and our feelings can help guide us. We are always being told that we need to stuff our anger because it is "wrong." Well, sometimes we need to listen to our hearts, and go ahead and actually feel what is happening in order to deal with it.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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KI - I find that rage and resentment being triggered at some of the strangest times. It feels like sometimes one memory of hurt and pain seems to make all the others parade along behind it for further inspection and torment. My RAH will tell me he is depressed and I want to go CRAZY! I could go on about that for hours.
I keep hearing not letting it hide is the only way to get to the other side. I journal a LOT. Mean terrible hurtful things. Dark things that i would never dare speak. Sometimes I'm surprised at what is written but there it is. No denying, no lies just feelings and my reality.
Sorry you are suffering. I often try to change my perspective. Needabreak is right he hasn't really been free. He is in his own prison of destruction and pain. He has a sad fake life of lies and addiction.
I keep hearing not letting it hide is the only way to get to the other side. I journal a LOT. Mean terrible hurtful things. Dark things that i would never dare speak. Sometimes I'm surprised at what is written but there it is. No denying, no lies just feelings and my reality.
Sorry you are suffering. I often try to change my perspective. Needabreak is right he hasn't really been free. He is in his own prison of destruction and pain. He has a sad fake life of lies and addiction.
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Redatlanta, it's not my fault that I was left a single mother, that I was abused, that I was unappreciated, lied to, cheated on - that redatlanta has nothing to do with being a codependent ...! It was not my fault for caring and loving someone, codie or not that's what people with empathy do..
Yes I overstayed what he was doing for far too long but that was because I believed that I loved him and was doing the loyal thing as wife and mother to protect her family.. But clearly it didn't work and it didn't work because I didn't understand for a very long time what I was dealing with and if it could be salvaged or not. I've never met an addict in my life pre him..
Now I see them everywhere and won't engage with them or go near them with a ten foot pole!! I see red flags everywhere.
Yes I overstayed what he was doing for far too long but that was because I believed that I loved him and was doing the loyal thing as wife and mother to protect her family.. But clearly it didn't work and it didn't work because I didn't understand for a very long time what I was dealing with and if it could be salvaged or not. I've never met an addict in my life pre him..
Now I see them everywhere and won't engage with them or go near them with a ten foot pole!! I see red flags everywhere.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Omg. I'm ok. Just DONE. He is terrible. Now I've been hit and he bit me. Those were jokes. Hahahaha. So funny. I'm meeting up with him tonight to take the phone out of my name and put it in his so he can talk to his ex all he wanted. When I texted him the screenshot of his emails he said. I went to bed and didn't even read those. That's when I had to remind him they were FROM him. She didn't respond. Now I'm reading it wrong. Whatever. LIES LIES LIES. Constant lies and deception. So he squeeze another 1500-1600 out of me but whatever. It's actually going to help me get the papers done without hassle.
He's threatening me with insurance fraud. Threatening to call my bosses and take them to court?!?!? WTF is that??? And everyday it's I hate my life. I'm done. I didn't go running this time. Nor will I ever again. It's all quacking manipulation. he is not capable of love or caring. Just I want I want I want. He will never change. I knew it then and I'm more certain now. I took my wedding rings off. I'm devastated. Even though that's not logical I'm still crushed.
He's threatening me with insurance fraud. Threatening to call my bosses and take them to court?!?!? WTF is that??? And everyday it's I hate my life. I'm done. I didn't go running this time. Nor will I ever again. It's all quacking manipulation. he is not capable of love or caring. Just I want I want I want. He will never change. I knew it then and I'm more certain now. I took my wedding rings off. I'm devastated. Even though that's not logical I'm still crushed.
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Killer Im sorry for how your feeling but I agree with others anger can be good as long as we let it out and don't keep it bottled up inside, that's when it becomes dangerous!!
I wouldn't say you've been in a prison you've been healing and being a mum and you needed time to come to terms with what you have been through and adjust to life as a single parent. That's not easy!!
I understand your rage thinking they're out there having a whale of a time while we're stuck at home seeing to our responsibilities, my separated AH is going on a boys holiday next week I mean how's that living a miserable life????
Stay strong but don't let the anger eat you up let it out safely. Tight hugs
I wouldn't say you've been in a prison you've been healing and being a mum and you needed time to come to terms with what you have been through and adjust to life as a single parent. That's not easy!!
I understand your rage thinking they're out there having a whale of a time while we're stuck at home seeing to our responsibilities, my separated AH is going on a boys holiday next week I mean how's that living a miserable life????
Stay strong but don't let the anger eat you up let it out safely. Tight hugs
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Killer - redatlanta hit a nerve I too often step on myself but it's not a criticism or blame. You always had a choice to leave but you lacked the tools - the insight to see what was happening or the courage to face the unknown or ...whatever.
You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. You grew new tools, made new choices and faced new challenges when you were strong/wise/motivated enough.
There is a big difference between blame and responsibility. You are not to blame for running slowly when crippled. ...but he could not teach you to run faster, you had to overcome your issues.
You've had two years watching the miracle of another human beings first two years! You got to hear first words, see first steps, kiss first booboos! You got to look in the mirror and say "this is HARD but damnit I got up today, took care of MYSELF and my BABY and I did it!".
He got a beer.
Go look at that kid, look in the mirror and take a hard look - see that determined, courageous and responsible woman looking back at you? Congratulate her, she is a winner. She is no longer a victim and the reason why is precisely what Red said to you. He is the same today, you are entirely different. It doesn't matter that it took time, it matters that you are headed upward and onward. His freedom? It ends one of three ways - death, prison or sobriety and leaves a path of pain and destruction to everyone who he cares about until one of those three outcomes is reached.
Don't you dare demean your accomplishment by thinking he's had it better than you. Go hug that kid and tell me what could be better than the sound of a baby laughing or more serene than watching a baby sleep under your watchful eye.
You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. You grew new tools, made new choices and faced new challenges when you were strong/wise/motivated enough.
There is a big difference between blame and responsibility. You are not to blame for running slowly when crippled. ...but he could not teach you to run faster, you had to overcome your issues.
You've had two years watching the miracle of another human beings first two years! You got to hear first words, see first steps, kiss first booboos! You got to look in the mirror and say "this is HARD but damnit I got up today, took care of MYSELF and my BABY and I did it!".
He got a beer.
Go look at that kid, look in the mirror and take a hard look - see that determined, courageous and responsible woman looking back at you? Congratulate her, she is a winner. She is no longer a victim and the reason why is precisely what Red said to you. He is the same today, you are entirely different. It doesn't matter that it took time, it matters that you are headed upward and onward. His freedom? It ends one of three ways - death, prison or sobriety and leaves a path of pain and destruction to everyone who he cares about until one of those three outcomes is reached.
Don't you dare demean your accomplishment by thinking he's had it better than you. Go hug that kid and tell me what could be better than the sound of a baby laughing or more serene than watching a baby sleep under your watchful eye.
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