tnwife

I have been attending Al anon for about 2.5 years. I TRIED to work the steps alone which proved unsuccessful. . I finally asked a lady to sponsor me because I knew that my life had become some unmanageable that I was starting to slip into a deep depression. why the depression? my husband went to treatment (was willing to do marriage counseling), came home ( we went on family vacations and was discussing renewing our vows), and left me and the kids. He said he had to go or he was going to get drunk. I asked him would he get drunk. He says he has too many resentments towards me and needed to get away. He says that sometimes when I talk to him he has flashbacks to when he was using so he doesn't want to work on our marriage now. I wanted to tell him are you working your program? ( not my bisness) I'm confused. I feel like if he doesn't want to be married then file for divorce. not to mention our anniversary is in less than 2 weeks. I feel so abandoned, and heart broken.

I am working on step two with my sponsor now. but I believe I need to start over with one. I know I cannot make my husband love me or want to work on our marriage. but how do I handle my feelings towards him shunning me.
I just cant understand what changed that fast and why?


As of today I am trying to no longer focus on my marriage but on me. I never realized how crazy/sick I had become trying to please him. THANK GOD!!!! I don't want to hate him.

airwick

Hi. I can't relate to "the steps" because I never did them. Yet, I can relate to the husband. I sort of settled everything w/my XAH. Been divorced for about 9 months---on my own/ with 12 yr. boy for almost a year.

One thing I will say is FOCUS on yourself. Do what is right for you! It took me many years ( 12 yrs of marriage) to see that I COULD not do a thing about him. He has to do it.

He was dragging me down with him. I finally had enough. One minute he loved me, the next he hated. He wanted to improve our marriage, he wanted a divorce.

I now am legally divorced, full custody of my child, have a home (with the help of family), haven't drank for over 6 months.

I am struggling though--the X still calls. I am not getting any support from him. I'm in the process of trying to locate any type of employment.

BUT all in all I'M SOBER!!!!!

I hope things workout the way you want them to

lillamy

I have to admit that as a codie, with a couple of decades of experience of living with an A, my reaction to this was pretty nasty. My first thought was "YOU have resentments towards ME? Sit down and I will tell you about resentments!"

And then I thought -- well, you know, one of the things you're supposed to do in treatment is focus on yourself. You've got to admit he's doing that.

HOWEVER. I have yet to meet an addiction counselor who says "if it gets difficult for you when you get home, just ditch the wife and the kids and go take care of yourself." On the contrary -- what addicts are usually told is that it will be difficult to get out of rehab and work on recovery while dealing with the stresses of everyday life. And that when it does, you buckle up and attend more meetings and work harder on your program and call your sponsor call your sponsor call your sponsor.

So I'd be surprised if he stays sober, frankly. If a person's idea of recovery is running away from responsibility, they already have one hand on the bottle, metaphorically speaking.

Forget him for right now. Your heart is broken, I understand that. But he's off doing whatever it is he's going to do, and you are working your program, and that is a really good choice.

I've talked to myself a lot lately. One of the things I keep telling myself is that feelings are not dangerous. I may be in pain right now, and my body is yelling at me to do something about it because pain means danger means something wrong!!!

But emotional pain isn't like that. It doesn't kill you. It feels awful. But it's OK. You won't always feel like this. Right now, you feel like this. Tomorrow, next week, next month, you'll feel differently. Just trust that you are going to be OK. When I'm in emotional pain, I want to run away from the pain. But if you stare it down -- if you stand still and just let it be, cry if you want to, scream and throw things if you want to, pound a pillow -- but don't run from it, it will subside.

You are doing the right thing by working your own program. That's one of the few things in life you have control over. And that's a good beginning. Regardless of what other people around you choose to do.

tnwife

. that makes a lot of sense thanks.

Eauchiche

Alcoholism is a family disease. Like all the other folks here, I am suggesting that you WORK YOUR PROGRAM.
I too have had my insides torn out and re-arranged over the past six months since separating from my alcoholic mate, but, thank God, I am getting better.

mfanch

I was an addict when I got married.

When I got sober, I became a different person and I didn't relate to my spouse anymore. In that time, he didn't go to any al-anon meetings or counseling (at first). My sponsor told me that every pot has a lid. If I changed EVERYTHING about myself, then the lid doesn't fit anymore.

At first I had a lot of resentments in my marriage, but came to realize that the problem is ME. I worked on myself and became a better person. For every resentment, I had my part in each one.

Thankfully, in my case, my spouse later entered recovery (1.5 years after I did) and worked all the steps with a sponsor. We also began marriage counseling and are now better than ever. BUT, I had a lawyer and papers drawn up at one point. The marriage was just not going to work and I had to put my recovery first. (this was when I was about 9 month sober)

A lot of changes happen in the first year if a person is really working recovery. I would keep focusing on YOUR recovery and work through YOUR resentments in a 4th-9th steps with your sponsor.

In the meantime, I will relay what my sponsor told me to do: DISENGAGE.

NYCDoglvr

"I am powerless over people, places and things." It's still powerful after many Alanon meetings. The problem is non-alcoholics try to figure out drunks by applying rational thinking. Glad you're in Alanon and have a sponsor, it saved my sanity.