Alcoholic sister - tried everything and nothing is working. Help.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 2
Alcoholic sister - tried everything and nothing is working. Help.
Hi all - first time poster here in need of help as it feels like we have tried almost everything and nothing is working.
My sister is an alcoholic. She has been drinking heavily since she started uni at 18 and has continued pretty much uncontrollably since (she is now 32).
I doubted she was an actual alcoholic initially as, to this day, she is able to go weeks without alcohol when she is around people like my family or her husband and people are with her (including on holidays etc.) however as soon as she is alone for any amount of time (going to college, going to the train station etc.) she'll end up getting wasted. When her husband is at work and she is alone at home (she doesn't work), she'll get drunk. I've been told that she used to drink mouthwash because of the alcohol content to get drunk.
We have taken her to alcoholics anonymous programs, our GP who gave her tablets to take that is supposed to make her reject alcohol etc. and nothing works.
Apparently this stems from a childhood experience when she was at school and was sexually assaulted by a school caretaker (or so she says/I've heard, my mum and her husband don't tell me the entire story) and she says that she needs to drink to help forget about this experience - although for me, this doesn't explain how she is able to go weeks without alcohol and seem fine, and why she waits until she is alone and no-one is watching after weeks and run off and get drunk again. She does appear to have some kind of mental issues.
I don't really know what else to say aside from ask for help - what can me, my family and her husband do from this point? As I said, we've tried alcoholics anonymous, we've tried the GP and had numerous appointments booked with a bunch of people and nothing has worked. My mum for the first time talked about sending her to rehab? The thing is, as I said she can go weeks without alcohol and be fine - as soon as she steps out of it, she'll just end up drinking again (she's been doing this for over 10 years now).
What can we do? What would you recommend our next step is?
Sorry for the fractured writing - if you have any questions that'll help then please let me know.
My sister is an alcoholic. She has been drinking heavily since she started uni at 18 and has continued pretty much uncontrollably since (she is now 32).
I doubted she was an actual alcoholic initially as, to this day, she is able to go weeks without alcohol when she is around people like my family or her husband and people are with her (including on holidays etc.) however as soon as she is alone for any amount of time (going to college, going to the train station etc.) she'll end up getting wasted. When her husband is at work and she is alone at home (she doesn't work), she'll get drunk. I've been told that she used to drink mouthwash because of the alcohol content to get drunk.
We have taken her to alcoholics anonymous programs, our GP who gave her tablets to take that is supposed to make her reject alcohol etc. and nothing works.
Apparently this stems from a childhood experience when she was at school and was sexually assaulted by a school caretaker (or so she says/I've heard, my mum and her husband don't tell me the entire story) and she says that she needs to drink to help forget about this experience - although for me, this doesn't explain how she is able to go weeks without alcohol and seem fine, and why she waits until she is alone and no-one is watching after weeks and run off and get drunk again. She does appear to have some kind of mental issues.
I don't really know what else to say aside from ask for help - what can me, my family and her husband do from this point? As I said, we've tried alcoholics anonymous, we've tried the GP and had numerous appointments booked with a bunch of people and nothing has worked. My mum for the first time talked about sending her to rehab? The thing is, as I said she can go weeks without alcohol and be fine - as soon as she steps out of it, she'll just end up drinking again (she's been doing this for over 10 years now).
What can we do? What would you recommend our next step is?
Sorry for the fractured writing - if you have any questions that'll help then please let me know.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
A42, you have come to the right place for help. We have all been there, in some way or another. There is no piece of paper that says "how do we get our alcoholic love ones sober" or else non of us would be in these forums.
First off you need to understand that if she is not ready to get sober, she won't. Not even if you locked her up for 6 months, she will bound back out and go get a drink. She drinks because she is an alcoholic and she can not control it. Let what she does have consequences, don't save her or protect her from her choices in life. She will have to hit rock bottom before she realizes that her life is out of control.
I hate to say the best thing you can do for your A is NOTHING. When she is ready to get help she will. The best thing you can do for "you" is educate yourself regarding alcoholism. Read the post, and the stickies that talk about what family members go through. Find out where your closest Alanon meeting is and attend. Be supportive for her but no advice, let her figure everything out on her own.
Read and keep reading how all of our lives have been affected by addiction. I have been with my qualifier for 34 years and am finally divorcing him. It took me 34 years together and finally said I have had enough. I would have done things differently, but can't turn back time.
Take deep breaths, educate and keep coming back and slowly you will start feeling a little better.
First off you need to understand that if she is not ready to get sober, she won't. Not even if you locked her up for 6 months, she will bound back out and go get a drink. She drinks because she is an alcoholic and she can not control it. Let what she does have consequences, don't save her or protect her from her choices in life. She will have to hit rock bottom before she realizes that her life is out of control.
I hate to say the best thing you can do for your A is NOTHING. When she is ready to get help she will. The best thing you can do for "you" is educate yourself regarding alcoholism. Read the post, and the stickies that talk about what family members go through. Find out where your closest Alanon meeting is and attend. Be supportive for her but no advice, let her figure everything out on her own.
Read and keep reading how all of our lives have been affected by addiction. I have been with my qualifier for 34 years and am finally divorcing him. It took me 34 years together and finally said I have had enough. I would have done things differently, but can't turn back time.
Take deep breaths, educate and keep coming back and slowly you will start feeling a little better.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Your sister sounds like a binge drinker. It is still alcoholism just a bit different from your everyday drunk. The problem with alcoholism is no doctor, medicine or person can cure it. Except your sister. She has to want to stop.
I am sorry your family is going through this. It is a heartbreaking situation. The only thing any of you can do is get help for yourselves. Learn all you can about alcoholism.
I am sorry your family is going through this. It is a heartbreaking situation. The only thing any of you can do is get help for yourselves. Learn all you can about alcoholism.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
She is a serious binge drinker, a form of alcoholism. No matter what name you put on it, if it has detrimental affects to her or her family, it's a problem.
I guess the question would be, has she hit her bottom. Does she want help? If not, you are wasting your time and money in sending her to rehab. She has to want it, and want it badly.
I would say there are a few things you can do for yourselves. You can go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings which will give you face to face support. You can also go to counseling with a counselor who assists families with addiction issues in their lives. Keep coming here, to SR. Read all you can on the stickies at the tops of the forums, there is good information there.
Sadly, you cannot force someone to get help. It is just not possible.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
I guess the question would be, has she hit her bottom. Does she want help? If not, you are wasting your time and money in sending her to rehab. She has to want it, and want it badly.
I would say there are a few things you can do for yourselves. You can go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings which will give you face to face support. You can also go to counseling with a counselor who assists families with addiction issues in their lives. Keep coming here, to SR. Read all you can on the stickies at the tops of the forums, there is good information there.
Sadly, you cannot force someone to get help. It is just not possible.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
I agree with the people who believe that your sister is a binge drinker. Binge drinking is very deceptive because the alcoholic can spend periods of time sober; however according to my research it is just as damaging as any daily drinking habit. Unfortunately you can’t help someone get sober if they’re not ready to commit to sobriety.
As a side note, many people do drink only when they’re alone. I also tended to get “liquored up” on the nights when I was alone with nothing but a bottle of vodka to distract me from my negative thoughts.
What you and you’re family can do is get help through a program like Alanon. I’ve not attended a meeting myself but I’ve heard amazing things about Alanon.
Stay strong and get some support.
As a side note, many people do drink only when they’re alone. I also tended to get “liquored up” on the nights when I was alone with nothing but a bottle of vodka to distract me from my negative thoughts.
What you and you’re family can do is get help through a program like Alanon. I’ve not attended a meeting myself but I’ve heard amazing things about Alanon.
Stay strong and get some support.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
It sounds to me like rehab would be a good choice, but I would look for a dual diagnosis, a rehab capable of dealing with sexual abuse. Maybe even a facility for women only. Others have mentioned alanon and celebrate recovery so I will mention SMART/CRAFT. The use of Community reinforcement and family training approach helps you and your family cope with the situation, and its also designed to help you work with your sister and facilitate her desire to enter treatment. It puts emphasis on both, and has very good results.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 2
Hi all,
Thanks all for your comments, really appreciated. I took my mum to our first Al-Anon meeting but it ended up being a joint Alcoholics Anonymous meeting so we mostly just sat and listened. I asked at the end how Al-Anon was different as we were looking for answers as opposed to sharing stories but apparently it doesn't quite work like that. Either way, I'm hoping my mum and I will attend a future event, hopefully she will open up and speak about her experiences as it's my mum that's really been suffering from this whole thing.
In response to your questions - no she hasn't hit rock bottom. Basically her husband lives in a different city and mostly has to deal with her, but when she gets really drunk he'll drive her back to our family home so we can look after and he can go back to work, and then take her back home the next day. We've had it so that we'd keep her at the family home for weeks on end to attempt to stop her from drinking but as soon as she's back at home with her husband and he goes to work, she'll be alone to get wasted again. This has been the routine that's been happening for literally 5 years. When her credit cards were taken away from her to ensure she didn't go out and buy more alcohol, she's stolen money and sold jewelry to get her alcohol.
Her husband loves her dearly and sympathsies with her but our family don't think he's helping (as much as his intention is to). She seemingly has no consequences for when she does get drunk aside from when we keep her for weeks on end at the family home, but she knows when she goes back to her home with her husband, she'll eventually be alone again to drink.
As I've said, we've tried our GP giving her medication, she's been to support groups (although clearly as a formality, not because she herself wants to go) and we don't know what else to do. While one of your suggestions was to "do nothing", this is difficult for my mum as she's her child (even if she is now 32). I suggested that we need to stop helping her as if she knows that we'll always be that support net for her, it allows her to continue getting wasted. Even if I convince my mum to do this, her husband loves her so much, no matter how bad it gets, he'll always be another support net for her and I don't think he'll ever leave her. It feels like she needs to get to the point that she has no one left before she'll realise herself that she needs to get help but my mum obviously loves my sister so much that I don't think she'll ever take my suggestion to stop helping her, let her husband deal with it and eventually if he does leave her, she'll be alone to finally sort herself out (she said "what happens when she's on the street with no where to go??")
Obviously this is a difficult situation (I wouldn't be on this message board if it wasn't) but as people that have been through similar situations or had loved ones with a similar mindset as my sister, what would you suggest we do?
Thanks all for your comments, really appreciated. I took my mum to our first Al-Anon meeting but it ended up being a joint Alcoholics Anonymous meeting so we mostly just sat and listened. I asked at the end how Al-Anon was different as we were looking for answers as opposed to sharing stories but apparently it doesn't quite work like that. Either way, I'm hoping my mum and I will attend a future event, hopefully she will open up and speak about her experiences as it's my mum that's really been suffering from this whole thing.
In response to your questions - no she hasn't hit rock bottom. Basically her husband lives in a different city and mostly has to deal with her, but when she gets really drunk he'll drive her back to our family home so we can look after and he can go back to work, and then take her back home the next day. We've had it so that we'd keep her at the family home for weeks on end to attempt to stop her from drinking but as soon as she's back at home with her husband and he goes to work, she'll be alone to get wasted again. This has been the routine that's been happening for literally 5 years. When her credit cards were taken away from her to ensure she didn't go out and buy more alcohol, she's stolen money and sold jewelry to get her alcohol.
Her husband loves her dearly and sympathsies with her but our family don't think he's helping (as much as his intention is to). She seemingly has no consequences for when she does get drunk aside from when we keep her for weeks on end at the family home, but she knows when she goes back to her home with her husband, she'll eventually be alone again to drink.
As I've said, we've tried our GP giving her medication, she's been to support groups (although clearly as a formality, not because she herself wants to go) and we don't know what else to do. While one of your suggestions was to "do nothing", this is difficult for my mum as she's her child (even if she is now 32). I suggested that we need to stop helping her as if she knows that we'll always be that support net for her, it allows her to continue getting wasted. Even if I convince my mum to do this, her husband loves her so much, no matter how bad it gets, he'll always be another support net for her and I don't think he'll ever leave her. It feels like she needs to get to the point that she has no one left before she'll realise herself that she needs to get help but my mum obviously loves my sister so much that I don't think she'll ever take my suggestion to stop helping her, let her husband deal with it and eventually if he does leave her, she'll be alone to finally sort herself out (she said "what happens when she's on the street with no where to go??")
Obviously this is a difficult situation (I wouldn't be on this message board if it wasn't) but as people that have been through similar situations or had loved ones with a similar mindset as my sister, what would you suggest we do?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Hi A42..I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this position like so many of us here. On a positive note you are reaching out for help amongst others who so fully understand where you are coming from. We really do know what you are going through believe me...but there is unfortunately no magic cure..if only!
I found this forum through utter desperation to find a possible way forward for my alcoholic husband. I read and read and read...I learnt and learnt and learnt. The more I learnt the more I realised that I could not do a single thing to save my husband. In fact the more I tried to save him the worse our relationship became and the deeper he fell into even deeper alcoholism. My hold on his hands fell further and further away the more I tried to keep hold of him..
I'm sorry to say that your sister is the only person who can decide to save herself and the more you try to control her the further she will distance herself from you and your family..
Your best bet? Educate yourselves on alcoholism and read the stickies at the top of this site..and keep posting for support. We are all in this together trying to find a way through...
I found this forum through utter desperation to find a possible way forward for my alcoholic husband. I read and read and read...I learnt and learnt and learnt. The more I learnt the more I realised that I could not do a single thing to save my husband. In fact the more I tried to save him the worse our relationship became and the deeper he fell into even deeper alcoholism. My hold on his hands fell further and further away the more I tried to keep hold of him..
I'm sorry to say that your sister is the only person who can decide to save herself and the more you try to control her the further she will distance herself from you and your family..
Your best bet? Educate yourselves on alcoholism and read the stickies at the top of this site..and keep posting for support. We are all in this together trying to find a way through...
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I highly recommend "Codependent No More" and the daily readings of "The Language of Letting Go" for you and your mom. Please take time to read the stickies and hear other people's stories at AlAnon and here. Their story is also your story. It is difficult to hear and face, but it truly is...
As you are starting to see, and unfortunately many of us have learned, there is really nothing you can do to help your sister. I know I tried, and tried and tried. Even when he finally went to rehab, he really didn't want to, as it was just to save the job. Obviously it didn't work. I had to walk away to save myself. I had to eventually go no contact, as I could not let go of my addiction to him. I then allowed him his own dignity, to live as an adult, as he chose.
I'm so sorry for what has brought you here.
As you are starting to see, and unfortunately many of us have learned, there is really nothing you can do to help your sister. I know I tried, and tried and tried. Even when he finally went to rehab, he really didn't want to, as it was just to save the job. Obviously it didn't work. I had to walk away to save myself. I had to eventually go no contact, as I could not let go of my addiction to him. I then allowed him his own dignity, to live as an adult, as he chose.
I'm so sorry for what has brought you here.
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