feeling rejected and angry- want to LET IT GO
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
feeling rejected and angry- want to LET IT GO
I'm the one who told AH he needed to move out, and I know it needs to happen and should have a long time ago. But he hasn't said even once this time that he will try to stop drinking. It's almost like he's excited to be packing up and moving on, and that makes me feel rejected.
And he keeps saying to me, "there are things I've been asking for from you that you haven't changed, so why should I have to be the one to change?"
Of course I am not perfect either, and relationships are really hard with a 1 year old and a 2 year old- with or without an A, but we have no chance in hell of working out our issues if he doesn't stop drinking. But he is unwilling to accept that, and wants to place the blame back onto me. I know it's just the disease talking, but it makes me sooo angry and so sad.
One of his main complaints wtih me and one of "the reasons why he drinks" is that the babies won't sleep all night in their own beds and end up with us, making intimate time difficult. I do all I can, work all day, take care of the kids when I come home, make dinner, give baths, try to get them down at a decent hour, get up several times with them, put them back to bed, and yes, one or both always ends up in our bed by morning, because I am EXHAUSTED! All that plus dealing with all of his drama, but I TRIED as hard as I could and it was never good enough.
I tell him that, and he doesn't get it, has no appreciation for the fact that I did ALL I COULD for him and for our kids. I don't know why I would expect him to get it. But I don't know how to just let it go either, and let it be good enough that I know I did all I could and that I will never be able to please him as long as he is drinking. I still have this feeling in the back of my head that if I could have done things differently, or been "better" that things would have been different, and I think that's what has kept me with him for this long.
I'm angry with myself for not being able to let it go. I have so many emotions going on, and I could go on and on, but I'll stop for now.
Thank you so much to anyone who is reading my vent.
And he keeps saying to me, "there are things I've been asking for from you that you haven't changed, so why should I have to be the one to change?"
Of course I am not perfect either, and relationships are really hard with a 1 year old and a 2 year old- with or without an A, but we have no chance in hell of working out our issues if he doesn't stop drinking. But he is unwilling to accept that, and wants to place the blame back onto me. I know it's just the disease talking, but it makes me sooo angry and so sad.
One of his main complaints wtih me and one of "the reasons why he drinks" is that the babies won't sleep all night in their own beds and end up with us, making intimate time difficult. I do all I can, work all day, take care of the kids when I come home, make dinner, give baths, try to get them down at a decent hour, get up several times with them, put them back to bed, and yes, one or both always ends up in our bed by morning, because I am EXHAUSTED! All that plus dealing with all of his drama, but I TRIED as hard as I could and it was never good enough.
I tell him that, and he doesn't get it, has no appreciation for the fact that I did ALL I COULD for him and for our kids. I don't know why I would expect him to get it. But I don't know how to just let it go either, and let it be good enough that I know I did all I could and that I will never be able to please him as long as he is drinking. I still have this feeling in the back of my head that if I could have done things differently, or been "better" that things would have been different, and I think that's what has kept me with him for this long.
I'm angry with myself for not being able to let it go. I have so many emotions going on, and I could go on and on, but I'll stop for now.
Thank you so much to anyone who is reading my vent.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh do I ever understand. My XAH usto always say the same. The thing was, I was so busy being a single mom anyways w/him in the house I just did not realize it. When he moved out it was actually easier b/c I did not have to deal with his issues and messes too. I was already doing everything else.
It hurts to see it happen, but him moving on may be the best thing to happen to you. Until he is ready to accept his issues, he has not even hit the first step. It may happen if he moves out, it may never happen. All you can do is focus on you and your sweet babies.
Good luck and God Bless. You are in my prayers!
It hurts to see it happen, but him moving on may be the best thing to happen to you. Until he is ready to accept his issues, he has not even hit the first step. It may happen if he moves out, it may never happen. All you can do is focus on you and your sweet babies.
Good luck and God Bless. You are in my prayers!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so wait.....YOU are the reason he drinks because....your two small children need you in the middle of the night and he isn't getting laid enough. do i have that right? the fact his BABIES are doing what babies DO interferes with his own sexual desires....and this OF COURSE gives him NO recourse but to.....drink.
riiiigggght.
hoisting the BS flag - long may she wave.
none of his drinking issues are your fault. NONE. not you. not the babies. not the fact it rains on wednesdays. or he's shanking his golf swing.
with his attitude, he really does need to go. he certainly isn't interested (or worthy?) of being your partner and can't see what a blessing those precious children are.
riiiigggght.
hoisting the BS flag - long may she wave. none of his drinking issues are your fault. NONE. not you. not the babies. not the fact it rains on wednesdays. or he's shanking his golf swing.
with his attitude, he really does need to go. he certainly isn't interested (or worthy?) of being your partner and can't see what a blessing those precious children are.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Even if all the "reasons" for his drinking magically disappeared tomorrow, he would find new ones. My ex did the same thing, blamed his drinking on stress from me and the kids, blah, blah, blah. So when we left, that should have been it, right? His need to drink should have vanished along with us.
It didn't. He is worse than ever. Barely functioning. He found a new enabler to keep him propped up. I have almost no contact with him, despite us having a son together.
You have been pulling not only your weight but his. I know how hard it is when you've given everything to someone who is not capable of giving anything in return. Alcoholism is a selfish disease, and an alcoholic relationship is an emotional and financial black hole, continually taking and taking from the non alcoholic partner until she or he is utterly exhausted from putting forth all that effort without receiving anything in return, not even appreciation or recognition.
It didn't. He is worse than ever. Barely functioning. He found a new enabler to keep him propped up. I have almost no contact with him, despite us having a son together.
You have been pulling not only your weight but his. I know how hard it is when you've given everything to someone who is not capable of giving anything in return. Alcoholism is a selfish disease, and an alcoholic relationship is an emotional and financial black hole, continually taking and taking from the non alcoholic partner until she or he is utterly exhausted from putting forth all that effort without receiving anything in return, not even appreciation or recognition.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Your A doesn't sound qualified, at this point, to be a father, husband, or adult.
We often look to those who hurt us to be the ones to heal us or validate the choices we have made. You empowered yourself by kicking him out; it's scary to be empowered! Much easier to be a victim. Except you're not.
You need space from him -- physical space, mental space, and emotional space. When you are less enmeshed with his chaos your perspective will change about what you need and want from him, and about what he is capable of giving. Sending strength and hugs, and especially patience.
We often look to those who hurt us to be the ones to heal us or validate the choices we have made. You empowered yourself by kicking him out; it's scary to be empowered! Much easier to be a victim. Except you're not.
You need space from him -- physical space, mental space, and emotional space. When you are less enmeshed with his chaos your perspective will change about what you need and want from him, and about what he is capable of giving. Sending strength and hugs, and especially patience.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kboys....fro m my own personal experience, and, from all that I have observed in others...this one thing seems to remain as true: the one who enables (even unknowingly) is always resented, in the end.
Kboys....he is never going to properly appreciate the effort you have put forth. Never.
If he did....he wouldn't be able to build a case for himself! LOL!!
Perhaps if you truly accept this fact---rather than hoping that he will suddenly see the "light"....you can begin to let go.
Sure, the whole thing is sad....there is pain (in the short-term)....there is just no way to avoid it if one is to move forward.
dandylion
Kboys....he is never going to properly appreciate the effort you have put forth. Never.
If he did....he wouldn't be able to build a case for himself! LOL!!
Perhaps if you truly accept this fact---rather than hoping that he will suddenly see the "light"....you can begin to let go.
Sure, the whole thing is sad....there is pain (in the short-term)....there is just no way to avoid it if one is to move forward.
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
hoisting the BS flag - long may she wave. Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Looking at ourselves and focusing on that only is a completely foreign concept to many alcoholics (and people, in my opinion). "wait...I am to fix my life REGARDLESS of what's going on around me?". For me, the alcohol disconnected me from myself (I even said in an AL-Anon meeting the other day - that I wasn't introduced to healing my alcoholic father, but that I was introduced to me - "hey me, how are you? who are you? What do you like? what do you not like? Hey...I missed you"). So, with a complete disconnection from myself, there is ultimately a loss of control (we aren't in control of the disease). Thus, we want to take control of everything. And in our alcoholic mind, we're just trying to make things fair. When someone asks us to stop our drinking and sets boundaries with it, we probably often view it as an effort to control us (how dare you!). Well, I'm going to ask for things from you too! This process just helps to defuse some of the feelings of guilt and shame that ensues. Deep down we know that something is wrong. But shutting someone up or being mean to them is easier to deal with than finally lifting that rug up to see what junk we put underneath of there. Thus, we will have a litany of excuses to protect the drinking which all involve EVERYONE ELSE around us. None of it involves our behavior.
I've noticed something with people in recovery versus those that are not (either in substance abuse, or abusive behavior in general). Recovery people are often able to put the focus on themselves (I believe, I did this, I want that, I'm sorry, I, I, I...). Those that aren't in recovery? (You believe, you think, you want, you did, you owe me, you, you, you) They're trying to deflect almost everything away.
At least, that's how I see it from my humble view point. Stay true to who you are and how you feel. The alcoholic will inevitably throw everything they can at you to get YOU to change. And they will do nothing to change themselves. It is the world that's messed up, not me...right?
It's how I was - I took very little responsibility for disagreements. Held resentments. Lied through people-pleasing. Felt like I was in a nightmare scenario when apologizing. I'm a work in progress. It's hard to remind myself that the solution is not telling another person what they need to do - It's DOING what I need to do.
Best of luck!
I've noticed something with people in recovery versus those that are not (either in substance abuse, or abusive behavior in general). Recovery people are often able to put the focus on themselves (I believe, I did this, I want that, I'm sorry, I, I, I...). Those that aren't in recovery? (You believe, you think, you want, you did, you owe me, you, you, you) They're trying to deflect almost everything away.
At least, that's how I see it from my humble view point. Stay true to who you are and how you feel. The alcoholic will inevitably throw everything they can at you to get YOU to change. And they will do nothing to change themselves. It is the world that's messed up, not me...right?
It's how I was - I took very little responsibility for disagreements. Held resentments. Lied through people-pleasing. Felt like I was in a nightmare scenario when apologizing. I'm a work in progress. It's hard to remind myself that the solution is not telling another person what they need to do - It's DOING what I need to do.
Best of luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Quaaaaaaaack, quack, quack, quack.
This is a 100% invalid, immature, and selfish complaint from a verifiable King Baby.
Adults have these complaints about parenting young children and deal with them, because being inconvenienced by small children is a timeless AND TEMPORARY part of parenting. Snuggle with those babies! Get some rest!
Something that may or may not apply here: You can't control what he thinks of you. What he thinks of you is none of your business.
An alcoholic will try to mold you to better fit his disease, and will blame you, resent you, and blow up your life for not taking whatever bull**** he's serving that day. Nobody makes another person drink. You didn't cause this and you can't control this.
Blaming the kids is really low.
One of his main complaints wtih me and one of "the reasons why he drinks" is that the babies won't sleep all night in their own beds and end up with us, making intimate time difficult. I do all I can, work all day, take care of the kids when I come home, make dinner, give baths, try to get them down at a decent hour, get up several times with them, put them back to bed, and yes, one or both always ends up in our bed by morning, because I am EXHAUSTED!
Adults have these complaints about parenting young children and deal with them, because being inconvenienced by small children is a timeless AND TEMPORARY part of parenting. Snuggle with those babies! Get some rest!
Something that may or may not apply here: You can't control what he thinks of you. What he thinks of you is none of your business.
An alcoholic will try to mold you to better fit his disease, and will blame you, resent you, and blow up your life for not taking whatever bull**** he's serving that day. Nobody makes another person drink. You didn't cause this and you can't control this.
Blaming the kids is really low.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Hi K!
I have a 1 year old and 3 year old. It is so exhausting (but the best kind of exhausting) to work and have two little ones and a home and bills and do it all on your own. I separated (physically not legally) from my husband in December and although it was difficult emotionally not much else changed because I already WAS a single mother even with him living with us. Much like you are now. Now RAH is back living with us again and I actually miss being separated.
This is a big change and you're the one initiating it! Good for you! I think you actually have a lot of positives to look forward to with an active alcoholic out of your home... Like no arguments, no yelling, no blame, no drama, no stinky alcoholic smell, etc. The initial emotional adjustment is tough but it's leaps and bounds better than having an active alcoholic in your home.
I have a 1 year old and 3 year old. It is so exhausting (but the best kind of exhausting) to work and have two little ones and a home and bills and do it all on your own. I separated (physically not legally) from my husband in December and although it was difficult emotionally not much else changed because I already WAS a single mother even with him living with us. Much like you are now. Now RAH is back living with us again and I actually miss being separated.
This is a big change and you're the one initiating it! Good for you! I think you actually have a lot of positives to look forward to with an active alcoholic out of your home... Like no arguments, no yelling, no blame, no drama, no stinky alcoholic smell, etc. The initial emotional adjustment is tough but it's leaps and bounds better than having an active alcoholic in your home.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Consider the source: active alcoholics are emotionally immature and unable to accept responsibility for their words and actions. Think: "his majesty the child" And all the wishing in the world, all the words, won't stop him/her from drinking. It's NOT A RATIONAL DISEASE. It's a mental illness and you are powerless over it. I recommend Alanon, which saved my sanity and helped me get through the split.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Stung-
Yes, there are definitely things I am looking forward to about being on my own without AH, like you said... no more fighting and yelling and name-calling, no walking on eggshells and constant anxiety, no vomit in the driveway
And I am looking forward to feeling like me again, seeing friends again, and maybe even going out once in a while again. But at this point, and I hope as things progress, I won't feel this way anymore, (?) but right now, I think I still need to believe that there is a chance that he will get sober and we will be a family again after a time of separation. How long did you and RAH stay separated? How did you know it was time to give it another chance?
Yes, there are definitely things I am looking forward to about being on my own without AH, like you said... no more fighting and yelling and name-calling, no walking on eggshells and constant anxiety, no vomit in the driveway
And I am looking forward to feeling like me again, seeing friends again, and maybe even going out once in a while again. But at this point, and I hope as things progress, I won't feel this way anymore, (?) but right now, I think I still need to believe that there is a chance that he will get sober and we will be a family again after a time of separation. How long did you and RAH stay separated? How did you know it was time to give it another chance?
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