Do I stay? I need help...
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Do I stay? I need help...
I have been lurking here for two years and this is my first post. I am so confused right now and in desperate need of some guidance.
I have been married to AH for almost 20 years. He is a high functioning alcoholic, has been for the last 8 years of our marriage getting worse every year. No real physical abuse - but emotional and psychological. The last two years have been torture. I told him last year that I wanted a separation, wrote him a long letter explaining why I wanted the separation. But gave in when he begged me not to take his girls from him (6 and 3) and asked for one last second chance.
A year later, I come across that letter on the exact day that I wrote it last year. Realized that nothing had changed and I wasted another year of my life. So I told him I wanted a separation, that I had to get away from him to get my sanity back and think about what I want. He then comes to me the next day and says he's checking himself into rehab and to please not leave him. One last second chance. I agree.
So he's been in rehab for 3 weeks, another 4 to go. Today we had a family visitation. He tells me they went through the family questionnaire and that it sounds like I'm done with the marriage and that I won't be able to get through everything that has happened over the last few years. He understands, doesn't have any ill feelings or resentment towards me. But he needs to focus on moving forward, not looking back. So I need to find him a place to live, get started on refinancing the house in my name, etc, etc. I feel so overwhelmed I can barely speak or think.
I went to my first al-anon meeting last week. I did walk away with a moment of clarity. I realized I do want out. I feel like my life has revolved around him drinking. Now I feel like when he comes home my life will revolve around him NOT drinking. Either way, I feel like my life will never be truly my own. That I can't have what I want most and that is someone in my life who lives life with me - not traveling two different roads. But I can't escape the feeling that I'm abandoning him. That I'm bailing just because things got tough. I want out of this insanity, but at the same time I don't want to leave when he is trying to turn his life around for real - for the first time. Not just lip service about how he's going to quit or half-assed attempts at AA or therapy. He actually checked in to rehab and he seems genuine in his desire to change his life. What if he does once again become the man I fell so madly in love with 20 years ago? Do I stick it out, do I leave? I don't even know what I want anymore. All I know is these last 3 weeks have felt like a 10,000 ton weight has been lifted from my life. I can finally breathe again. I'm terrified of staying with him and I'm terrified of leaving him. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I have been married to AH for almost 20 years. He is a high functioning alcoholic, has been for the last 8 years of our marriage getting worse every year. No real physical abuse - but emotional and psychological. The last two years have been torture. I told him last year that I wanted a separation, wrote him a long letter explaining why I wanted the separation. But gave in when he begged me not to take his girls from him (6 and 3) and asked for one last second chance.
A year later, I come across that letter on the exact day that I wrote it last year. Realized that nothing had changed and I wasted another year of my life. So I told him I wanted a separation, that I had to get away from him to get my sanity back and think about what I want. He then comes to me the next day and says he's checking himself into rehab and to please not leave him. One last second chance. I agree.
So he's been in rehab for 3 weeks, another 4 to go. Today we had a family visitation. He tells me they went through the family questionnaire and that it sounds like I'm done with the marriage and that I won't be able to get through everything that has happened over the last few years. He understands, doesn't have any ill feelings or resentment towards me. But he needs to focus on moving forward, not looking back. So I need to find him a place to live, get started on refinancing the house in my name, etc, etc. I feel so overwhelmed I can barely speak or think.
I went to my first al-anon meeting last week. I did walk away with a moment of clarity. I realized I do want out. I feel like my life has revolved around him drinking. Now I feel like when he comes home my life will revolve around him NOT drinking. Either way, I feel like my life will never be truly my own. That I can't have what I want most and that is someone in my life who lives life with me - not traveling two different roads. But I can't escape the feeling that I'm abandoning him. That I'm bailing just because things got tough. I want out of this insanity, but at the same time I don't want to leave when he is trying to turn his life around for real - for the first time. Not just lip service about how he's going to quit or half-assed attempts at AA or therapy. He actually checked in to rehab and he seems genuine in his desire to change his life. What if he does once again become the man I fell so madly in love with 20 years ago? Do I stick it out, do I leave? I don't even know what I want anymore. All I know is these last 3 weeks have felt like a 10,000 ton weight has been lifted from my life. I can finally breathe again. I'm terrified of staying with him and I'm terrified of leaving him. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
while i have nowhere near the history of you and yours, i am struggling with the same issues of feeling guilt for leaving when my XABF is in an inpatient treatment facility. but, he's made it clear he doesnt want to be with me. or did he? because the only thing i can believe out of his mouth since i discovered his addiction is that he wants nothing to do with me.
SR is wonderful. Stick around.
SR is wonderful. Stick around.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Well. First Welcome.
I follow the name choice. Geeezzzze.
Slow Down. Sit Down.
Let's start with the good in all that.
I went to my first al-anon meeting last week. Ok. Good.
And what did they tell you?
Something like Slow Down, Sit Down? And try six meetings?
Something like that?
All the rest will wait. All of that. Will wait.
For now, just Slow Down and Sit Down.
====================
But I get it. Really do.
You know the Phrase the T came up with for me?
"Pull over and Park the car."
Something Mrs. Hammer had to tell me one time.
I follow the name choice. Geeezzzze.
Slow Down. Sit Down.
Let's start with the good in all that.
Originally Posted by CantBreathe 
I went to my first al-anon meeting last week.
And what did they tell you?
Something like Slow Down, Sit Down? And try six meetings?
Something like that?
All the rest will wait. All of that. Will wait.
For now, just Slow Down and Sit Down.
====================
But I get it. Really do.
You know the Phrase the T came up with for me?
"Pull over and Park the car."
Something Mrs. Hammer had to tell me one time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I don't think finding him a place to live is your problem. If you'll pardon me for asserting it, your problem is establishing your own recovery, these upcoming weeks while he's still "in" are an opportunity to get some perspective. That 10,000lb weight is right where you left it, a big part of recovery is learning how to not start picking it up again.
One of the things that seems to happen as one develops recovery is that the answers to these burning questions "stay or go" , "love him or not" etc become clear over time. His commitment to his recovery will also become clear, and its entirely his business. The health, safety and security of you and the kids are yours. Maybe if he mans up and works a strong recovery it can turn into a team effort but time will tell there.
Hammer's right... Take It Easy- Alanon is a great 1st choice, please consider going as often as you can at first.. whatever schedule works for you, try as many different meetings as you can, you'll recognize the ones that work for you. Don't feel pressured to share- this is not something you can force, and it may be very hard for you to not force it.
Good luck!
One of the things that seems to happen as one develops recovery is that the answers to these burning questions "stay or go" , "love him or not" etc become clear over time. His commitment to his recovery will also become clear, and its entirely his business. The health, safety and security of you and the kids are yours. Maybe if he mans up and works a strong recovery it can turn into a team effort but time will tell there.
Hammer's right... Take It Easy- Alanon is a great 1st choice, please consider going as often as you can at first.. whatever schedule works for you, try as many different meetings as you can, you'll recognize the ones that work for you. Don't feel pressured to share- this is not something you can force, and it may be very hard for you to not force it.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
But he needs to focus on moving forward, not looking back. So I need to find him a place to live, get started on refinancing the house in my name, etc, etc.
This is pure nonsense, designed to stress you out and confuse you.
Consulting a lawyer will let you know your legal rights and responsibilities. He can find his own place to live, he is an adult. A legal consultation will give you an idea of your options as far as refinancing/selling the house, that is not something your husband gets to dictate from his cozy bed in rehab.
Talking to a lawyer does not mean you are deciding on a divorce right this minute, it just gives you a better idea of your legal rights.
High five on the Alanon meeting. You will meet lots of people who have been where you are. Take care of yourself and your kids. You husband has a huge support system and tons of time to work on himself while you are holding down the fort and doing everything for your kids and running the household.
No rush to make a decision right now. You have time and you have options.
This is pure nonsense, designed to stress you out and confuse you.
Consulting a lawyer will let you know your legal rights and responsibilities. He can find his own place to live, he is an adult. A legal consultation will give you an idea of your options as far as refinancing/selling the house, that is not something your husband gets to dictate from his cozy bed in rehab.
Talking to a lawyer does not mean you are deciding on a divorce right this minute, it just gives you a better idea of your legal rights.
High five on the Alanon meeting. You will meet lots of people who have been where you are. Take care of yourself and your kids. You husband has a huge support system and tons of time to work on himself while you are holding down the fort and doing everything for your kids and running the household.
No rush to make a decision right now. You have time and you have options.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Well, here's the thing: He's three weeks into rehab. If he would return to being the man you fell in love with and married 20 years ago, he's actually right -- his best chance to do that is to focus on his recovery without distractions. Like a family. Fair? Oh hell no. But true nevertheless.
I think the fact that you are feeling lighter with him in rehab is a sign that your life may be easier without him -- the him he is when he's drinking. So give him the space he's asking for. And you focus on YOU. On the unhealthy coping strategies you've developed during your marriage. Find you. The you you want to be. And then when you're both done -- you can figure out whether there's a potential for a couple there.
However, this:
raised red flags for me. He is telling you what to do. That's not OK. If he wants a separation, he needs to find his own place to live. That's not your job.
I think the fact that you are feeling lighter with him in rehab is a sign that your life may be easier without him -- the him he is when he's drinking. So give him the space he's asking for. And you focus on YOU. On the unhealthy coping strategies you've developed during your marriage. Find you. The you you want to be. And then when you're both done -- you can figure out whether there's a potential for a couple there.
However, this:
So I need to find him a place to live, get started on refinancing the house in my name, etc, etc. I feel so overwhelmed I can barely speak or think.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
CanBreathe: If leaving helps you breathe, good decision. I was married to an Alcoholic for about 13 years, I had a son to consider. I still at times feel bad. I have his wedding rind with a medal cross that I wear around my neck. I will always care for him, and hope he finds his way. I can't do it for him. It might even be too late for him. I'm just trying to take care of myself and son 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Deciding to stay or leave is such a hard and highly personal decision.
The best advice I got when I was trying to make that same decision was to find out what true recovery looks like both for myself and for my AH.
I attended lots of meetings, read up on alcoholism and it's effects on the family and saw an addiction counselor that worked with families of addicts.
Good luck with your decision. I think both paths are challenging to say the least.
The best advice I got when I was trying to make that same decision was to find out what true recovery looks like both for myself and for my AH.
I attended lots of meetings, read up on alcoholism and it's effects on the family and saw an addiction counselor that worked with families of addicts.
Good luck with your decision. I think both paths are challenging to say the least.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Originally Posted by Catherine628
Deciding to stay or leave is such a hard and highly personal decision.
The best advice I got when I was trying to make that same decision was to find out what true recovery looks like both for myself and for my AH.
I attended lots of meetings, read up on alcoholism and it's effects on the family and saw an addiction counselor that worked with families of addicts.
Good luck with your decision. I think both paths are challenging to say the least.
The best advice I got when I was trying to make that same decision was to find out what true recovery looks like both for myself and for my AH.
I attended lots of meetings, read up on alcoholism and it's effects on the family and saw an addiction counselor that worked with families of addicts.
Good luck with your decision. I think both paths are challenging to say the least.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Can'tBreathe....I agree with Illiamy, that the fact that you feel like 10,000lbs. have been lifted off your shoulders and you feel like you can finally "breathe" again--means that you would be better off without him in the same home with you. You mention emotional and psychological abuse and living in "torture" for the last 2 years.
NObody....NOBODY should have to l ive like that.
So glad that you have made the move to attend alanon. I suggest to get as many meetings as you can under your belt in the next 4 weeks.
If you don't have a therapist....line one up as soon as you can. And, read as many real life experiences as you can, here on SR.
These things all amount to the basics of building your own support system..which is going to be essential for you.
In addition, I suggest that you consult a lawyer about getting a legal separation....at least find out what that entails and what your rights are, etc.
What I am getting at is this: Give yourself the gift of at least a year of living as a woman with "free will" for a year----a space of time to work on yourself and to clear your mind and to see what it is like living that is not under the thumbnail of another human being. Don't you think that you deserve, at least, this much?
Don't worry about him---resist your guilt feelings, because you have nothing to feel guilty about. Taking care of yourself is nothing that you ever have to feel guilty about.
He will have the staff at the rehab center to help him with his after care plans. That is standard procedure. They can help him with finding his own living situation.
It is time that your world revolved around your legitimate needs, for a change.
dandylion
The reason that I am speaking so directly and plainly to you is because you directly asked for guidance.
NObody....NOBODY should have to l ive like that.
So glad that you have made the move to attend alanon. I suggest to get as many meetings as you can under your belt in the next 4 weeks.
If you don't have a therapist....line one up as soon as you can. And, read as many real life experiences as you can, here on SR.
These things all amount to the basics of building your own support system..which is going to be essential for you.
In addition, I suggest that you consult a lawyer about getting a legal separation....at least find out what that entails and what your rights are, etc.
What I am getting at is this: Give yourself the gift of at least a year of living as a woman with "free will" for a year----a space of time to work on yourself and to clear your mind and to see what it is like living that is not under the thumbnail of another human being. Don't you think that you deserve, at least, this much?
Don't worry about him---resist your guilt feelings, because you have nothing to feel guilty about. Taking care of yourself is nothing that you ever have to feel guilty about.
He will have the staff at the rehab center to help him with his after care plans. That is standard procedure. They can help him with finding his own living situation.
It is time that your world revolved around your legitimate needs, for a change.
dandylion
The reason that I am speaking so directly and plainly to you is because you directly asked for guidance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
The good news is that he is in treatment right now so you can relax and just focus on taking care of yourself and your children for the time being. He may be getting out of rehab in four weeks; however I am pretty certain there is nothing that requires you to finalize everything before he gets out. It is certainly not your responsibility to find a place for him to live, but if you think it would be helpful for you to have someplace else for him to go when he gets out then you may want to consider it. My only advice would be to discuss any and all options with an attorney before you do anything else. Also take some deep breaths and relax.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
It's a hard decision and one I'm trying to deal with right now too. My RAH of 44 years isn't in rehab, but he is working a program and we are separated. Trying to decide whether or not this will be permanent is, for me, a constant back-and-forth question complicated by some other family issues that mean that no matter what decision I make, someone close to me will be very unhappy.
I told him the separation would be for at least a year. We still talk, have dinner occasionally, see each other at church. The year seems to be flying by-- he moved out in late May. I'm honestly no closer to making a decision now than I was then. I'm holding on to the thought that "More will be revealed" and praying about my decision. I don't know what else to do.
With you AH still in rehab, you don't have to rush to make ANY of these decisions. You have time. And his "you have to..." messages sound like a bunch of quacking to me.
I told him the separation would be for at least a year. We still talk, have dinner occasionally, see each other at church. The year seems to be flying by-- he moved out in late May. I'm honestly no closer to making a decision now than I was then. I'm holding on to the thought that "More will be revealed" and praying about my decision. I don't know what else to do.
With you AH still in rehab, you don't have to rush to make ANY of these decisions. You have time. And his "you have to..." messages sound like a bunch of quacking to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Its my opinion that he cant truly heal unless he takes a long hard look back. Your relationship also doesnt stand a chance of getting better unless the two of you can work together on the past. Recovery doesnt work in a vacuum. Its not all about him and getting dry. I hate this sanctimonious baloney from some alcoholics. And for the record I have three years sober.
The other thing is, what if he becomes who he was 20 years ago? Would you even be attracted to that anymore? Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? I suspect the answer would be a big maybe not.
The other thing is, what if he becomes who he was 20 years ago? Would you even be attracted to that anymore? Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? I suspect the answer would be a big maybe not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Hammer
For now, just Slow Down and Sit Down.
Originally Posted by dandylion
Don't worry about him---resist your guilt feelings, because you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Originally Posted by happybeingme
Its my opinion that he cant truly heal unless he takes a long hard look back. Your relationship also doesnt stand a chance of getting better unless the two of you can work together on the past. Recovery doesnt work in a vacuum. Its not all about him and getting dry.
Thank you everyone for your insight. I know it's a long road. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I can't let him or anyone else push me in to making a choice. I will make it when I am ready and when I am sure. I have to follow the advice I have received from nearly everyone I've talked to. I have to do what is right for me. I just have to figure out what that is.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Can'tBreath.....I will remind you that the first step toward "figure out what this is"....is to begin a program of recovery for yourself. You need this as much as he needs rehab and has own recovery plan. It has to be pursued vigorously....just as his will be.
If nothing changes...nothing changes....
dandylion
If nothing changes...nothing changes....
dandylion
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by CantBreathe
Thank you for that. Something I need to be constantly reminded of. I seem to always feel like I have to make a decision right now. As though a clock were ticking.
Alanon-Land . . . not so much. Ideally filled with Serenity.
But it is a choice.
---------------------------
Yunno the phrase "DON"T JUST SIT THERE! Do SOMETHING!"
Alanon mock of it goes something like this . . . .
"Don't just do something. Sit there."
---------------------------
And considering how you are coming in the door with your hair on fire and all . . . I am betting you are Really Going to Like the Promises when they start to settle in on you.
Here a few of the Promises you may enjoy . . . . (or as they say in the Movie Theater . . . A Preview of Coming Attractions . . . . )
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Whole list here >>>
PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I was so angry with him for telling me that he was done thinking about the past and needed to just look forward. It kills me that he thinks it's ok for him to just decide not to look behind him at the devastation he has caused. While he may be moving forward, I'm still picking up the pieces - by myself.
he's only been in rehab, aka not drinking, for three weeks now. by now his body has detoxed of any residual alcohol that would impair his judgement, but he is far from healed or better. NOBODY changes in three weeks. it would be wise to not take ANYTHING he says right now too seriously....newly sober people don't always think straight, they are still quite reactionary and myopic.
few things to consider....even tho it seems like he really took the bull by the horns and got himself into rehab, which is a GOOD THING, that doesn't mean he is now going to be sober for the rest of his life. the longer he stays in rehab will help. the better program he has for after care with a strong recovery focused support system will help.
but he could leave rehab today.
he could leave rehab and drive straight to the liquor store.
he may give sober life a try and decide it ain't for him.
those are BIG unknowns. and those are all his unknowns.
your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to work on you - on BREATHING. on shoring up your own defenses so that what he does or doesn't do has a lessened impact on your life. take this time for YOU. he has all the help and support he needs right now. so it's your turn to build your own support system. worry about you more, and him less.
he's only been in rehab, aka not drinking, for three weeks now. by now his body has detoxed of any residual alcohol that would impair his judgement, but he is far from healed or better. NOBODY changes in three weeks. it would be wise to not take ANYTHING he says right now too seriously....newly sober people don't always think straight, they are still quite reactionary and myopic.
few things to consider....even tho it seems like he really took the bull by the horns and got himself into rehab, which is a GOOD THING, that doesn't mean he is now going to be sober for the rest of his life. the longer he stays in rehab will help. the better program he has for after care with a strong recovery focused support system will help.
but he could leave rehab today.
he could leave rehab and drive straight to the liquor store.
he may give sober life a try and decide it ain't for him.
those are BIG unknowns. and those are all his unknowns.
your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to work on you - on BREATHING. on shoring up your own defenses so that what he does or doesn't do has a lessened impact on your life. take this time for YOU. he has all the help and support he needs right now. so it's your turn to build your own support system. worry about you more, and him less.
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