the struggle is real
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Philadelphia, Pa
Posts: 1
the struggle is real
im 25 years old. ive lived in Philadelphia my whole life.
I went to my first treatment when I was 20 and after that I went on a 4 year run where oxycontin turn into using heroin and sticking a needle into my arm.
may of 2013 I checked back into treatment. since then I have been in 9 facilities and now I am currently in my 10th, a halfway house. I feel like im trapped in a vicious cycle. As if as soon as im out of these places I cant do it. I cant stay clean. everything in me does not want to high but im an addict and I want to take the easy way out, do what I know. run back to the streets of Kensington, run to the block, run to the dope boys and escape it all. that's what I do best. im afraid this time if I go back out that everyone that has supported me will give up. and I don't believe I would want to come back from another relapse.
in the past 3 1/2 years ive lost 15 people to this disease, directly from heroin. out of those 15, 10 were very close friends if not my bestfriends. the last one I lost was in February. she was a beautiful 20 year old girl. beautiful. I lived with her at a halfway house for 3 months. one day I came home from work and she just wasn't here anymore. the staff let me know that she had overdosed and was in emergency brain surgery because she had blood surround her brain. she stayed on life support for 2 weeks. I watched this disease literally take her slowly away from everyone that loved her. out of all the deaths ive experienced this last one has been the hardest. I relapsed about 2 1/2 weeks after she finally passed away and got high on the same she died from. this disease is ****** up. I just want hope, I just want to feel like this is possible. I feel stuck and hopeless, and helpless.... I just want answers I know I cant receive. I just want to be happy.. I don't believe its possible for me and most days I want to give up and leave this house and run, run back to north philly, the badlands, where I feel, unfortunately at home... save me. help me.
I went to my first treatment when I was 20 and after that I went on a 4 year run where oxycontin turn into using heroin and sticking a needle into my arm.
may of 2013 I checked back into treatment. since then I have been in 9 facilities and now I am currently in my 10th, a halfway house. I feel like im trapped in a vicious cycle. As if as soon as im out of these places I cant do it. I cant stay clean. everything in me does not want to high but im an addict and I want to take the easy way out, do what I know. run back to the streets of Kensington, run to the block, run to the dope boys and escape it all. that's what I do best. im afraid this time if I go back out that everyone that has supported me will give up. and I don't believe I would want to come back from another relapse.
in the past 3 1/2 years ive lost 15 people to this disease, directly from heroin. out of those 15, 10 were very close friends if not my bestfriends. the last one I lost was in February. she was a beautiful 20 year old girl. beautiful. I lived with her at a halfway house for 3 months. one day I came home from work and she just wasn't here anymore. the staff let me know that she had overdosed and was in emergency brain surgery because she had blood surround her brain. she stayed on life support for 2 weeks. I watched this disease literally take her slowly away from everyone that loved her. out of all the deaths ive experienced this last one has been the hardest. I relapsed about 2 1/2 weeks after she finally passed away and got high on the same she died from. this disease is ****** up. I just want hope, I just want to feel like this is possible. I feel stuck and hopeless, and helpless.... I just want answers I know I cant receive. I just want to be happy.. I don't believe its possible for me and most days I want to give up and leave this house and run, run back to north philly, the badlands, where I feel, unfortunately at home... save me. help me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,375
You have two things going for you. You are young and you care enough about this to come here and post.
You know what you are doing is not going to work forever. What do you think it will take for you to leave it behind? You know yourself better than anyone.
You know what you are doing is not going to work forever. What do you think it will take for you to leave it behind? You know yourself better than anyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Phillyclean, I agree with both of the above posters. It looks like you need lots of support to remain clean. The moment you step out of that halfway house get to a meeting...find a sponsor and make sure you work the steps. If you have to live the rest of your life at meetings then so be it. It's a hell of a lot better then dying isn't it? Do you already have a sponsor? If not get yourself one.
If NA isn't for you...then get back into an IOP BEFORE you run to the badlands!! Find one that has an aftercare program....stick with it for as long as it takes.
TE is right too. Only you know what it's going to take for you to stay clean.
It looks like you have seen a lot of carnage surrounding drug use. Keep those close in your mind. Next time your AV tells you it's a good idea to go get some....think about those 10 friends that thought it was a good idea too. They are dead now....is that where you want to be too? But even worse than death, do you have any idea how many addicts are living the rest of their lives out in institutions because they didn't die? Instead they destroyed their brains and now need constant round the clock care to feed them...bath them. They sit all day in wheelchairs totally dependent on someone to care for them? I'll bet they regret that they didn't die ODing. But they can't go back and get another chance.
But you Philly, you have another chance. You have the choice to live a beautiful sober life if you choose to. So which will it be? Because sooner or later you will run out of choices....you will be one more causality of this horrible disease. It's a fact that drugs lead to jails, institutions or death. That's the outcome...it's no joke and it will happen...it's just a matter if when.
If NA isn't for you...then get back into an IOP BEFORE you run to the badlands!! Find one that has an aftercare program....stick with it for as long as it takes.
TE is right too. Only you know what it's going to take for you to stay clean.
It looks like you have seen a lot of carnage surrounding drug use. Keep those close in your mind. Next time your AV tells you it's a good idea to go get some....think about those 10 friends that thought it was a good idea too. They are dead now....is that where you want to be too? But even worse than death, do you have any idea how many addicts are living the rest of their lives out in institutions because they didn't die? Instead they destroyed their brains and now need constant round the clock care to feed them...bath them. They sit all day in wheelchairs totally dependent on someone to care for them? I'll bet they regret that they didn't die ODing. But they can't go back and get another chance.
But you Philly, you have another chance. You have the choice to live a beautiful sober life if you choose to. So which will it be? Because sooner or later you will run out of choices....you will be one more causality of this horrible disease. It's a fact that drugs lead to jails, institutions or death. That's the outcome...it's no joke and it will happen...it's just a matter if when.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 676
Man I can feel your pain from here. But like others have said. You came here. You want out of this. Maybe you just don't want it enough yet?
What about maintenance programs such as Suboxone or Methadone? How about a step further and something like naltrexone? What do you have to lose trying something like that for a year. I challenge you to try it.
What about maintenance programs such as Suboxone or Methadone? How about a step further and something like naltrexone? What do you have to lose trying something like that for a year. I challenge you to try it.
One day at a time
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 111
My cousin is on that crap how hear the craziest things she is doing I have a pill addiction I want to get sober to show her it's possible I fear I will hear some news about her like that! Pray we both choose the right path! There is always a choice and a way sure the easy way is easy but it's the same road nothing will change I hope you choose sobriety !
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Macomb/ Detroit, MI
Posts: 126
You can do this, don't over-analyze things right now, you might not have places like the one your in to run to forever. I'm a recovering junkie to man I know where your coming from, Ive been to idk 18-20 in-patient rehabs, more if you count half ways', I'm 27. It can get so much worse I'm sure you know that and I know the streets your talking about I have many friends your age from around Philly that left and went to south FL. I hope you find a way today, I'm sry for your loses' I just heard of another girl I knew passing yesterday, its sad, we all keep crying while we all keep dying. Keep posting
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Kokomo, Indiana
Posts: 19
You're right about it being a struggle phillyclean. I am gonna repeat what has been said: good job for trying, but to beat this sickness you have to commit to a plan. You can do meetings, which I think is importantfor its support, or a maintenance program. Suboxone has worked for a lot of people, me included. This website is great. There are a lot of folks here with good advice and long cleantime and if you listen to them, it will help you sort things out.
Good vibes & prayers headed your way.
Good vibes & prayers headed your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 163
Can you get into a treatment program or sober living housing? Or maybe move to a place that's not in the Philadelphia/Tri-state area where there's lots of heroin? You can do this. Some people find subs to help them but talk to your doctor about this.
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