Cecilia44

I don't know what to say. I gave in tonight.

I have no real reason to do it except that I was sick of being sick, congested, not feeling that well. It isn't that I was tired, I have slept plenty lately, even took 2 and 3 hours naps.

I was just tired of fighting it. Like I am trying to be this "good person" or whatever that I don't know that I am.

Like I am someone who has "seen the light" of my bad behavior while drunk and have changed too much. Or something. I like comfort, I do not like change and maybe I am not so strong.

I don't have a lot of support here, all I have is everyone here. My family knows I am a drunk, but they do not get it. It is like talking to a wall.

Yet I sit on the phone, day after day, listening to my sister's ramblings. Like I am supposed to do something and I suppose I did. She tells me I did, yet I don't feel like I get the same in return.

Like I feel like I have to be this "strong person" and no one here hears me, not that I have ever asked, because I know they can't help me. They are not a drunk, I am. They don't get it.

And there is really no reason why I gave in. I gave in because I am an alcoholic. I thought THIS time, it might be fun, maybe I would enjoy the high. I get so sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I always get so tired of trying to fight what I want and who I am. The addiction itself. And then if I have mastered it again (I was sober for 7 years), then what? Then what do I get besides good mornings?

As much as I would like to say there is a magical solution to how I feel it isn't true. I have tried that. Tried to hook up with the Ex, feeling like if someone wrapped their arms around me in love, that would be enough. But it isn't.

Neither is this site. My problems are mine to solve, I just don't know if I am strong enough, have hope enough, see more than I can see in myself to do any better.

And I feel like sh*t about that. It isn't the drunk me who gets me drunk, it is the sober me.

And then, what does that mean? What do I not have?

luvmygirls

Thank you so much for posting this. The fact that you were sober for 7 years (!!!) indicates that you have what it takes to be successful again. I don't have any advice, because I made it through today (6) by the skin of my teeth, but please know that you are understood and supported. Try to forgive yourself as best you can, and move forward.

Dee74

Many of us faltered a time or two Cecilia.

It's hard to trust in something new sometimes, and sometimes we go back to what we know.

Sometimes it takes a few jumps to get over the first hurdle.

I don't believe anyone who is still able to log on here and converse with others and share ideas is fundamentally incapable of getting sober and staying that way.

Sometimes tho we need to tweak our plan - maybe add more things?.

Maybe find more support for those nights when our addiction lies to us and tells us only a drink will do....

Maybe it's a case of being more willing to sit with discomfort a while, and learning to reach out to stop ourselves.

I know...it's hard to do when the anticipation is so heady...but I believe you can do it Cecilia

Don't give up This was one battle - not the whole war

D

Soberpotamus

It is tough to get sober, it's no joke. Non-addicts are not going to truly "get it" though.

I sense in your post that you feel alone, and that they need you to be strong for them (for whatever reasons). But you need to be yourself, and you are just as vulnerable as anyone else. That is one reason I drank too. I often felt alone, isolated from others who thought of me as someone holding it together well. I was falling apart inside. I didn't know how to show my humanity or vulnerability, and that's probably because of my childhood and background. And also because I drank throughout my 20's and the first half of my 30's!

You're right... SR is NOT enough to get you sober. Only you can get you sober. But we are here to support you

You have everything you need within you to do this. A relapse is not evidence that you are incapable of it. You pick yourself up, and you try again. And you figure out what you need to do in order not to make the same mistake again.

Soberwolf

its happened by being here you are already healing

might not feel that now

keep trying

big hugs

erin8

I almost gave in today. Several times. I nearly made a right towards the liquor store instead of a left towards my meeting. I sat through the first half thinking about going to get a bottle... then a lady came up to me after the meeting and it helped so much. This site is great but I think the combination of the two is whats working for me. Have you thought about getting help face to face?

sprout50

Cecilia, I too, have siblings that I helped all the time and that have never shown me any support. One thing I have learned is that I can't solve their problems-they have to-and I stopped trying. I now focus on myself.

Relapse happens. You stayed sober for 7 yrs. You can do this again.

Macali

Cecilla, I am back on day 2 sober after a 5 day binge and so feel bad about. Please stop now, you are the only one who can change things and make your life positive and really worthwhile and that can ONLY be without alcohol in your life. Take care.

IOAA2

Hi and congratulations with being sober for seven years, that’s an accomplishment.
There are many reasons alcoholics drink again and in AA it’s often that they stop going to meetings for their memory refresh periods, and then their priorities change to their past drinking days and worse.
For me it’s a place where we are understood by others in the flesh trying to stay sober and help others.
It does work IF we work it as demonstrated at one meeting I attend. Of 30-40 attending 6-9 are usually there with +30 years being sober and continue going to meetings.

BE WELL

Cecilia44

Thanks everyone. I really don't know why I gave in. Like I said, just tired of "fighting the good fight." I have been sitting here congested and sneezing so much and my eyes watering that I can't see straight. Normally, I would have taken my dog out for a walk and just didn't feel up to it. So the AV won.

Oh well. You know what? I am not going to let it get me down and I am getting right back on that horse. I don't want to go back to my pattern of drinking like I did before and being so depressed and unhappy. I REFUSE to go back to that place.

I don't know about everyone else, but I was hoping the AV would be quieter after a week (I made it 8 days actually) of being sober, but it hasn't held true. When does it shut up??

I also, maybe naively, thought that this might be easier. I am not even an every day drinker. I usually only drink about 3 days (sometimes 4, but not that often) a week. I figured for someone like me it might not be so hard. Apparently that isn't true?

So what can I do different next time (as Dee and others might ask)? Well, I do have cold medication here that I can take and hopefully that would help so I don't feel so run down like I can't fight the AV anymore. There is only one kind of cold medicine I can take though because I have high blood pressure, so most of the counter stuff I stay away from.

I really just think the AV got me at a point of weakness. I guess I need to "arm myself" so that it doesn't happen again.

Part of giving in too is I thought maybe this time I might enjoy drinking, but I didn't. Even the feeling itself of being drunk is overrated. It wasn't all that great. It is when I am sober I need to remember that.

Finally, I guess I shouldn't even mention being 7 years sober. While it was an accomplishment, at the time, I find that after drinking for another 7 years it is just like starting over and it is just as hard, 7 years without it or not.

Still fighting the good fight and hopefully this is the only slip I have.

Thanks everyone.

Cecilia44

One more thing I have to add about giving in last night. I gave in too because I have this weird idea in my head that if I make it two weeks sober (I read somewhere it takes 2 weeks to change a bad habit) I can never go back to drinking again.

That once I pass the 2 week hurdle, I can't change my mind. I think it is holding me back from wanting to move forward.

I keep thinking, am I sure I want to give it up? Am I sure? NEVER again.

Not sure what to do about that line of thinking. I know it's supposed to be one day at a time, but it's still like this mark on the calendar that I believe is interfering with my progress.

Advice?

fridgey

instead of struggling with the drink now maybe more worthy to ponder why you picked up after 7 years?

fridgey

Ego is all about time and division, being human knows no bounds.

Opivotal

Maybe forget keeping track and take it one day at a time?

I couldn't look into the future...to many what if this and what if that happens. I was overwhelmed.

I also wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Took me a while to get there, but once I did...there was nothing on this earth that would convince me to pick up.

Best Wishes

Soberpotamus

The mark on the calendar... the way I have dealt with it is to shift from seeing it as an accomplishment of accruing time to realizing that I only X days left alive on this planet. Only, I don't know how many days exactly I have left! So, being the sort of person who's motivated by a smidgin of existential angst (ok, in my youth I was despairing over it) I have begun to see sobriety as this expansive sort of thing that envelopes me and everything to do with my life as I know it. I no longer focus on the day count (though it is motivational for me), but aim to experience my life one day at a time, in the present, and being where I am, doing what I feel I want/need to do that day, and letting go of the "passing of time" sense. Time continues to pass, but I am learning to experience time in a more fluid way. One that isn't confining to me, mentally/psychologically. Hope this makes sense

Cecilia44

Thank you. Admittedly, I am a time freak. So I am sure that isn't helping. I have always been this way too, constantly checking my watch to see what time is it now? Like my whole day structure is consumed with what is on the clock.

I think too, me being a black and white person in general (like most As?) doesn't help. If I don't have structure (time), I feel a bit lost.

This is something to ponder and may be hard for me to change, but I am going to work at it.

Thanks everyone. I really do want to succeed in getting and staying sober. Being drunk is just too dark of a place for me anymore.

SadieJack

I can relate to you. I am a time freak too as well as a black and white thinker. I have worked very hard on both issues because they were not serving me very well. For example, classifying things as either all good or all bad. Learned to be gray.

So since you admittedly are a black and white type person, I can see why you might think that if you stopped drinking for 2 weeks you thought you would not ever get to drink again. Hopefully you know that isn't true. I play games like this in my head too... always concerning time and habits. It is a way of functioning that lessens my stress level even though it might not make sense to other people. Its my private logic.

Good luck as you move on and learn. You seem very self reflective, which is the only way to learn.