paula a.

Anyone else go through this? I have been finding myself flirting a lot lately. Not just a smile and a giggle flirting, but these deep, interesting conversations with men that truly make me want to get to know them. It's happened a couple of times in the last few months, then it takes me forever to get them off my mind. It really bothers me. I know it has to do with my recovery and the fact that I suddenly realize I am an intelligent person who can carry on a conversation, and I am starved for it. Conversation with my AH is pointless, as anything beyond "how was your day", seems to turn into an arguement (I'm sure many of you can relate to that!). I feel almost unfaithful, is it possible to cheat intellectually?? It is such an awesome feeling to talk with someone who doesn't slur, repeat or try to impress with ridiculous stories from their childhood. Not to mention having their attention completely focused on me.
Somebody please tell me this isn't awful...
Paula

Gabe

It isn't awful. I repeat, it isn't awful.
Here's the really good thing Paula. You're aware of why this is happening. A lot of people go through the same thing and don't take the the time to understand the whys of it.
You are an intelligent, interesting person and you deserve some focus on you.
Last time I checked the rule book, conversations do not constitute cheating.
You are a smart woman. You'll know when you've taken it over the line in that department, and if you want to continue.
And Paula, you couldn't be awful if you tried.

Magichappens

If you are like me, I had an empty feeling in my gut that only approval and attention from others could fill. Unfortunately, the feeling was temporary, so I sought out attention at all costs, including my own values and self esteem. I was like an addict for it. I know that I constantly share that Al-Anon has done so much for me. It really has filled that void. Not just attending the meetings, but really putting the focus on me, and trying to apply the tools they offered. I still want to be thought of as attractive, but I don't seek it in ways that make me not like me. It's not awful. It's a need that I have that I wasn't filling in a healthy way. I didn't know how to fill it in a healthy way. I didn't even know why I did the things I did. I just felt bad about me a lot. I don't have to do that to myself any more. And I owe it to......you guessed it....Al-Anon. Hugs, Magic

Gabe

Excellent point Magic.

paula a.

Thanks!
Gabe, you always make me feel a little better.
I do have a need to be appreciated, but I think that only comes from feeling so UNappreciated. It's just sad to me that I can have these conversations with complete strangers and I can't with my H...we used to have them...ugh, I hate alcoholism!
Have a good day!
Paula

myles1

Paula,

You aren't awful, it's natural when living in a hell with an A. Like Magic said though fill your void in ways that build your self-respect and self-esteem not tear them down.

Ngaire

sunflowergal29

Paula,
I have done this too, many times (not something I am proud of). For me, I think it is part of being a codie- the need to base my happiness on what I can get from others rather that finding ways to feel worthy from within myself. In the past, the more a man noticed me, the more attractive, pretty, wanted, etc I felt. It is like the difference between being lonely and being alone- we can be in the company of anyone and feel lonely but we can be alone and feel not lonely.
-SFG29

Lorelai

Paula -
I've thought about this a lot and still don't have a real "for sure" answer for me. I think that we are just starved for attention - something that's really hard to get from an A. We want acknowledgement that we are important and interesting because everything at home would lead us to believe otherwise.

I think that, as with everything else, we need to establish boundaries with ourselves so that we can be at peace with our actions. We need to decide in advance what is OK for us to do and what is not OK. It's hard to decide for myself without the influence of my A getting in the way. According to him, if a man looks at me as I walk by it's my fault. There has to be a happy medium somewhere.

If I know what my boundaries are up front - what I feel is wrong and right - I can enjoy myself without guilt right up to that boundary. I can trust myself to do the right thing and not feel guilty about what I'm doing.
L

paula a.

L~
That is exactly the conclusion I have come to. Thank you for putting it into words. For the first five years of our marriage, I had everything I needed from my H. The last five years, the deeper he sank into this disease the less I got from him. I have decided that as long as I keep my wits and my boundaries intact, that it is perfectly acceptable to enjoy a conversation. I have let the guilt go, for today anyway
Paula

Lorelai

Paula -
I had completely shut down. I guess I had brainwashed myself into believing that even noticing another man was attractive was cheating. I wouldn't even notice other men - let alone talk to them.

The other day, there was a very fine looking guy at the gym. At least I noticed. Baby oh baby steps for me!
L

paula a.

L~
I was the same way! I wouldn't even comment about Brad Pitt being a hottie!LOL (Oh, to see a cowboy like that looking for a ride!) Lately though, I have been noticing just how attractive other guys are. And you know what? It's okay to look, the roof didn't come crashing down on me or anything!
Paula

myles1

It's totally normal to notice that other people are attractive. It doesn't mean anything bad or shameful. Even in good, happy relationships it's normal to notice an attractive person.

My 2 cents worth

Ngaire

paula a.

I'm sorry, did you say the "N" word, normal in reference to something in my life??? Imagine that!

Teggie

OMG!!! Normal??? What is that exactly lololol........If you find out please share!!! Hugs! Teggie