roguedreams

(I couldn't resist picking band names to represent where I'm at today)

... oof. I don't have much time (going to a six pm meeting) but I wanted/needed to get a couple thoughts out here.

I know that depression in early recovery - or any part of recovery, really - is to be expected. I can put a big fat check mark next to that item on the list, for sure.

Combine that with an incredibly erratic, self-sabotaging sleep schedule and I'm just - toast.

I literally keep myself up until 9am, sleep until 3 or 4pm. Being jobless and depressed and lost manifests itself in the thought, "why go to bed?" ... I simply - can't relax at night. Before (and of course this is a "typical" problem as well) I medicated with alcohol and would only go to sleep at a semi-reasonable hour if I'd consumed enough to enable me to simply pass out.

I won't - can't? - go to sleep until I'm so utterly exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. I fritter away that time. Instead of applying for jobs (though I compile some to apply for during more "normal" hours), I watch Netflix, play computer games, read on here and generally just ... wait. Wait out the time until I'm exhausted. I also binge and purge (thank you, eating disorder, for always being there for me. *sarcasm) ...

I know these problems, I recognize them, I analyze them, I'm pretty sure I know several things I could DO about them, and yet ... whether it's depression, residual alcoholic self-sabotage, a combination of both and/or other things, I FEEL like my hands are tied to do anything to help myself.

Like, I feel like I don't deserve a "normal" life.

I feel frozen, stuck, despairing and scared of the emptiness that comes with positive, healthy change. If that makes ANY sense at all.

Unsure what I'm looking for with this; I just wanted to be open and honest with someone about it, because basically no one knows that this is the schedule I'm keeping these days. I'm isolated and isolating and know I need to do something about it, if I ever want to get a job or get on my feet or get anything done, something has to change. I figured writing it out would be a good start.

Sorry if this is scattered! I'm not letting my inner perfectionist go back through and edit this. Nope, nope, this is just me splattered across a page. Hugs, everyone.

jdooner

Strangely I understand.

I have been there with everything. Early sobriety is about survival.

Try reading A Million Little Pieces. Whatever you think of James Frey the story I related to in early sobriety pretty well. In fact, I thought I was living parts of it.

Just don't drink or use. Frey finds this useful in the book. When things get hard, try harder. There will be time to address everythgin else but for now just push through and start trusting that everything will begin to work out. You will get through this if you remain sober and things will turn at some point no matter how hard that may seem right now.

Try Lana Del Rey too...you will notice on her Born to Die Album all the words are about sobriety and recovery. Many of the men are actually her drugs and addiction.

Eminem is the same, as is The National.

silentrun

I was all over the map for the early part of recovery. I had those sleep disturbances which only probably exasperated the erratic mood swings. It sucked. Speaking of Moody Blues...I spent some sleepless nights putting on the headphones and listening to this album. Highly recommend some music therapy in early recovery.
The Moody Blues - Days of Future Passed Full Album 1967 (HD) - YouTube

PurpleKnight

Don't beat yourself up too much, a week in is early days!!

You can't sort your life out all in one go, Rome wasn't built in a day, small steps, the most important of which is Sobriety!!

I found that remaining Sober was the key to it all, if I got that right then other things slowly started to fall into place, sorting everything else out in life can wait until I got Sobriety down!!

Hang in there!!

Soberwolf

Hope you feel better soon

LBrain

I'm with you roguedreams, at times my thoughts were chaotic in the beginning of my journey, sometimes I slept, sometimes I would stay awake for 24 hours. there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to anything at first.

just try to maintain your focus on the most important thing right now. staying sober. when you get some time things will clear up. and after a while there is an amazing feeling of delight in being who you are. you have to stay strong and get through it.

all the best.

Thepatman

Sorry you are having a hard time on multiple angles. But important think if that you are sober.

Personally, I don't think I would have made in early recovery without my boring military routine. I got to bed at the same time every night (didnt sleep much early on) had healthy meals at same time full of B complex vitamins. It bored me somewhat at the begining but eventually my body got used to the routine.

Dee74

Early recovery is rough - we;re not who we were but not yet who we want to be...it's a time of great upheaval, confusion and a little pain...

but it won't always be like that.

Lean on the support and understanding here.

It does get better.

You may not end up in Nirvana, but you're sure to have some Happy Mondays RD...

D

roguedreams

I bought that book back in April when you recommended it, and it survived the purge when I took books to Half Price the other day! It sits on my shelf, unopened as of yet. Maybe I'll take a crack at it tonight. I like the concept "when things get hard, try harder" - reminds me of a grade school teacher I had that ALWAYS used to say (til we were ALL blue in the face lol) "when the going gets tough, the tough get going".

I'm remarkably resigned and accepting of the shambles of my life right now. I'm sober, I'm not threatening my sobriety by going back to dancing ... these are my priorities, regardless how I feel about it.

I also LOVE Lana del Rey AND Eminem! Woot. In fact just on my way to the meeting tonight I was thinking about compiling a recovery playlist. Thank you dooner!

leah333

Wow, your post really touched me tonight. I wish I had answers for you... I'm rooting for you tonight

OpioPhobe

roguedreams - sometimes when I am having issues where my sleep gets off that much I try to 'reset' it by just pulling an all nighter and going to sleep at a regular hour the next day. It actually isn't that bad. I actually feel pretty good during the next day when I am waiting to get tired enough to go to sleep. When night rolls around the next day sleep comes naturally and I don't have to force it. Just my 2 cents.

Deckard

I know this only addresses one of the issues you raise, but re sleep: I found that a tea called Sleepytime Extra is shockingly effective at bringing on sleep, at least for me. I think it has chamomile, and the "extra" may be valerian. I'm not a tea or herb type of guy, but I've found this very helpful.

Also, you mention that you are scared of "the emptiness that comes with positive, healthy change." I have found getting sober to be the opposite of emptiness. In fact, it is truly an escape from emptiness. You do deserve a normal life, and you can get there.

whalebelow2

Early days sure ain't easy.

I fronted up to an AA meeting and told a few guys and girls I wasn't sleeping well.

They all said things like "Don't worry, it'll get better" ..... which it did.

But one grumpy old timer said "No one ever died from insomnia" and I certainly felt like I was going to.

So I thought I better check that out, so google google & he was right.

You can't !!!

It can make you a bit nuts though.

Hang in there, it doesn't last forever.

The old Grandma's recipe ... warm milk. It actually works in my experience.

Try & watch the coffee / caffeine intake around what would normally be bed time.

I have self inflicted insomnia more times than I care to admit, drinking coffee till midnight.