Excellent (painful?) article on Co-dependency
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Excellent (painful?) article on Co-dependency
There is great confusion regarding the terms co-dependent, counter-dependent, and dependent. Before we proceed to study the Dependent Personality Disorder in our next article, we would do well to clarify these terms.
Codependents
Like dependents (people with the Dependent Personality Disorder), codependents depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of both inconsequential and crucial daily and psychological functions.
Codependents are needy, demanding, and submissive. They suffer from abandonment anxiety and, to avoid being overwhelmed by it, they cling to others and act immaturely. These behaviours are intended to elicit protective responses and to safeguard the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. Codependents appear to be impervious to abuse. No matter how badly mistreated, they remain committed.
This is where the "co" in "co-dependence" comes into play. By accepting the role of victims, codependents seek to control their abusers and manipulate them. It is a danse macabre in which both members of the dyad collaborate.
The codependent sometimes claims to pity her abuser and cast herself in the grandiose roles of his saviour and redeemer. Her overwhelming empathy imprisons the codependent in these dysfunctional relationships and she feels guilt either because she believes that she had driven the abuser to maltreat her or because she contemplates abandoning him.
Typology of Codependents
Codependence is a complex, multi-faceted, and multi-dimensional defence against the codependent's fears and needs. There are four categories of codependence, stemming from their respective aetiologies:
(i) Codependence that aims to fend off anxieties related to abandonment. These codependents are clingy, smothering, and prone to panic, are plagued with ideas of reference, and display self-negating submissiveness. Their main concern is to prevent their victims (friends, spouses, family members) from deserting them or from attaining true autonomy and independence. These codependents merge with their "loved" ones and experience any sign of abandonment (actual, threatened, or even imagined) as a form of self-annihilation or "amputation".
(ii) Codependence that is geared to cope with the codependent's fear of losing control. By feigning helplessness and neediness such codependents coerce their environment into ceaselessly catering to their needs, wishes, and requirements. These codependents are "drama queens" and their life is a kaleidoscope of instability and chaos. They refuse to grow up and force their nearest and dearest to treat them as emotional and/or physical invalids. They deploy their self-imputed deficiencies and disabilities as weapons.
Both these types of codependents use emotional blackmail and, when necessary, threats to secure the presence and blind compliance of their "suppliers".
(iii) Vicarious codependents live through others. They "sacrifice" themselves in order to glory in the accomplishments of their chosen targets. They subsist on reflected light, on second-hand applause, and on derivative achievements. They have no personal history, having suspended their wishes, preferences, and dreams in favour of another's.
The Dependent Personality Disorder is a much disputed mental health diagnosis.
We are all dependent to some degree. We all like to be taken care of. When is this need judged to be pathological, compulsive, pervasive, and excessive? Clinicians who contributed to the study of this disorder use words such as "craving", "clinging", "stifling" (both the dependent and her partner), and "humiliating", or "submissive". But these are all subjective terms, open to disagreement and differences of opinion.
Moreover, virtually all cultures encourage dependency to varying degrees. Even in developed countries, many women, the very old, the very young, the sick, the criminal, and the mentally-handicapped are denied personal autonomy and are legally and economically dependent on others (or on the authorities). Thus, the Dependent Personality Disorder is diagnosed only when such behavior does not conform to social or cultural norms.
Codependents, as they are sometimes known, are possessed with fantastic worries and concerns and are paralyzed by their abandonment anxiety and fear of separation. This inner turmoil renders them indecisive. Even the simplest everyday decision becomes an excruciating ordeal. This is why codependents rarely initiate projects or do things on their own.
Dependents typically go around eliciting constant and repeated reassurances and advice from myriad sources. This recurrent solicitation of succour is proof that the codependent seeks to transfer responsibility for his or her life to others, whether they have agreed to assume it or not.
This recoil and studious avoidance of challenges may give the wrong impression that the Dependent is indolent or insipid. Yet, most Dependents are neither. They are often fired by repressed ambition, energy, and imagination. It is their lack self-confidence that holds them back. They don't trust their own abilities and judgment.
Absent an inner compass and a realistic assessment of their positive qualities on the one hand and limitations on the other hand, Dependents are forced to rely on crucial input from the outside. Realizing this, their behavior becomes self-negating: they never disagree with meaningful others or criticizes them. They are afraid to lose their support and emotional nurturance.
Consequently, as I have written in the Open Site Encyclopedia entry on this disorder:
"The codependent moulds himself/herself and bends over backward to cater to the needs of his nearest and dearest and satisfy their every whim, wish, expectation, and demand. Nothing is too unpleasant or unacceptable if it serves to secure the uninterrupted presence of the codependent's family and friends and the emotional sustenance s/he can extract (or extort) from them.
The codependent does not feel fully alive when alone. S/he feels helpless, threatened, ill-at-ease, and child-like. This acute discomfort drives the codependent to hop from one relationship to another. The sources of nurturance are interchangeable. To the codependent, being with someone, with anyone, no matter who, is always preferable to solitude."
"I Can't Live Without Him/Her"
Akin to addiction, dependence on other people fulfils important mental health functions. First, it is an organizing principle: it serves to explain behaviours and events within a coherent "narrative" (fictional story) or frame of reference ("I acted this way because ..."). Second, it gives meaning to life. Third: the constant ups and downs satisfy your need for excitement and thrills. Fourth, and most crucially, your addiction and emotional lability place you at the center of attention and allow you to manipulate people around you to do your bidding.
Indeed, you are convinced that you cannot live without your dependence.
This is a subtle and important distinction: you can survive without him or her, but you believe profoundly (erroneously as it happens) that you cannot go on living without your addiction to your partner. You experience your dependence as your best friend, your comfort zone, as familiar and warm and fitting as an old pair of slippers. You are addicted to and dependent on your dependence, but you attribute its source to boyfriends, mates, spouses, children, parents - anyone who happens to fit the bill and the plot of your narrative. They come and go - your addiction remains intact; they are interchangeable - your dependence is immutable.
So, what can you do about it?
Extreme cases of codependence (such as Dependent or Borderline Personality Disorders) require professional help. Luckily, dependence is a spectrum and most people with dependent traits and behaviours are clustered somewhere in the middle.
Help yourself by realizing that the world never comes to end when relationships do: it is your dependence which reacts with desperation, not you.
Next, analyze your addiction: what are the stories and narratives that underlie it? Do you tend to idealize your intimate partner? If so, can you see him or her in a more realistic light? Are you anxious about being abandoned? Why? Have you been traumatically abandoned in the past, as a child, perhaps?
Write down the worst possible scenario: the relationship is over and s/he leaves you. Is your physical survival at stake? Of course not. Make a list of the consequences of the breakup and write, next to each one what you can and intend to do about it. Armed with this plan of action, you are bound to feel safer and more confident.
Finally, make sure to share your thoughts, fears, and emotions with friends and family. Social support is indispensable. One good friend is worth a hundred therapy sessions.
From my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited": Dr. Sam Vaknin
Codependents
Like dependents (people with the Dependent Personality Disorder), codependents depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of both inconsequential and crucial daily and psychological functions.
Codependents are needy, demanding, and submissive. They suffer from abandonment anxiety and, to avoid being overwhelmed by it, they cling to others and act immaturely. These behaviours are intended to elicit protective responses and to safeguard the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. Codependents appear to be impervious to abuse. No matter how badly mistreated, they remain committed.
This is where the "co" in "co-dependence" comes into play. By accepting the role of victims, codependents seek to control their abusers and manipulate them. It is a danse macabre in which both members of the dyad collaborate.
The codependent sometimes claims to pity her abuser and cast herself in the grandiose roles of his saviour and redeemer. Her overwhelming empathy imprisons the codependent in these dysfunctional relationships and she feels guilt either because she believes that she had driven the abuser to maltreat her or because she contemplates abandoning him.
Typology of Codependents
Codependence is a complex, multi-faceted, and multi-dimensional defence against the codependent's fears and needs. There are four categories of codependence, stemming from their respective aetiologies:
(i) Codependence that aims to fend off anxieties related to abandonment. These codependents are clingy, smothering, and prone to panic, are plagued with ideas of reference, and display self-negating submissiveness. Their main concern is to prevent their victims (friends, spouses, family members) from deserting them or from attaining true autonomy and independence. These codependents merge with their "loved" ones and experience any sign of abandonment (actual, threatened, or even imagined) as a form of self-annihilation or "amputation".
(ii) Codependence that is geared to cope with the codependent's fear of losing control. By feigning helplessness and neediness such codependents coerce their environment into ceaselessly catering to their needs, wishes, and requirements. These codependents are "drama queens" and their life is a kaleidoscope of instability and chaos. They refuse to grow up and force their nearest and dearest to treat them as emotional and/or physical invalids. They deploy their self-imputed deficiencies and disabilities as weapons.
Both these types of codependents use emotional blackmail and, when necessary, threats to secure the presence and blind compliance of their "suppliers".
(iii) Vicarious codependents live through others. They "sacrifice" themselves in order to glory in the accomplishments of their chosen targets. They subsist on reflected light, on second-hand applause, and on derivative achievements. They have no personal history, having suspended their wishes, preferences, and dreams in favour of another's.
The Dependent Personality Disorder is a much disputed mental health diagnosis.
We are all dependent to some degree. We all like to be taken care of. When is this need judged to be pathological, compulsive, pervasive, and excessive? Clinicians who contributed to the study of this disorder use words such as "craving", "clinging", "stifling" (both the dependent and her partner), and "humiliating", or "submissive". But these are all subjective terms, open to disagreement and differences of opinion.
Moreover, virtually all cultures encourage dependency to varying degrees. Even in developed countries, many women, the very old, the very young, the sick, the criminal, and the mentally-handicapped are denied personal autonomy and are legally and economically dependent on others (or on the authorities). Thus, the Dependent Personality Disorder is diagnosed only when such behavior does not conform to social or cultural norms.
Codependents, as they are sometimes known, are possessed with fantastic worries and concerns and are paralyzed by their abandonment anxiety and fear of separation. This inner turmoil renders them indecisive. Even the simplest everyday decision becomes an excruciating ordeal. This is why codependents rarely initiate projects or do things on their own.
Dependents typically go around eliciting constant and repeated reassurances and advice from myriad sources. This recurrent solicitation of succour is proof that the codependent seeks to transfer responsibility for his or her life to others, whether they have agreed to assume it or not.
This recoil and studious avoidance of challenges may give the wrong impression that the Dependent is indolent or insipid. Yet, most Dependents are neither. They are often fired by repressed ambition, energy, and imagination. It is their lack self-confidence that holds them back. They don't trust their own abilities and judgment.
Absent an inner compass and a realistic assessment of their positive qualities on the one hand and limitations on the other hand, Dependents are forced to rely on crucial input from the outside. Realizing this, their behavior becomes self-negating: they never disagree with meaningful others or criticizes them. They are afraid to lose their support and emotional nurturance.
Consequently, as I have written in the Open Site Encyclopedia entry on this disorder:
"The codependent moulds himself/herself and bends over backward to cater to the needs of his nearest and dearest and satisfy their every whim, wish, expectation, and demand. Nothing is too unpleasant or unacceptable if it serves to secure the uninterrupted presence of the codependent's family and friends and the emotional sustenance s/he can extract (or extort) from them.
The codependent does not feel fully alive when alone. S/he feels helpless, threatened, ill-at-ease, and child-like. This acute discomfort drives the codependent to hop from one relationship to another. The sources of nurturance are interchangeable. To the codependent, being with someone, with anyone, no matter who, is always preferable to solitude."
"I Can't Live Without Him/Her"
Akin to addiction, dependence on other people fulfils important mental health functions. First, it is an organizing principle: it serves to explain behaviours and events within a coherent "narrative" (fictional story) or frame of reference ("I acted this way because ..."). Second, it gives meaning to life. Third: the constant ups and downs satisfy your need for excitement and thrills. Fourth, and most crucially, your addiction and emotional lability place you at the center of attention and allow you to manipulate people around you to do your bidding.
Indeed, you are convinced that you cannot live without your dependence.
This is a subtle and important distinction: you can survive without him or her, but you believe profoundly (erroneously as it happens) that you cannot go on living without your addiction to your partner. You experience your dependence as your best friend, your comfort zone, as familiar and warm and fitting as an old pair of slippers. You are addicted to and dependent on your dependence, but you attribute its source to boyfriends, mates, spouses, children, parents - anyone who happens to fit the bill and the plot of your narrative. They come and go - your addiction remains intact; they are interchangeable - your dependence is immutable.
So, what can you do about it?
Extreme cases of codependence (such as Dependent or Borderline Personality Disorders) require professional help. Luckily, dependence is a spectrum and most people with dependent traits and behaviours are clustered somewhere in the middle.
Help yourself by realizing that the world never comes to end when relationships do: it is your dependence which reacts with desperation, not you.
Next, analyze your addiction: what are the stories and narratives that underlie it? Do you tend to idealize your intimate partner? If so, can you see him or her in a more realistic light? Are you anxious about being abandoned? Why? Have you been traumatically abandoned in the past, as a child, perhaps?
Write down the worst possible scenario: the relationship is over and s/he leaves you. Is your physical survival at stake? Of course not. Make a list of the consequences of the breakup and write, next to each one what you can and intend to do about it. Armed with this plan of action, you are bound to feel safer and more confident.
Finally, make sure to share your thoughts, fears, and emotions with friends and family. Social support is indispensable. One good friend is worth a hundred therapy sessions.
From my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited": Dr. Sam Vaknin
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This is a very complex issue. At first, I was thinking to myself, reading through it, "Great… I'm not codependent. I'm not needy or clinging. In fact AH calls me cold and unfeeling."
But I cannot deny that I see myself in this:
So, "needy" can manifest itself in different ways. I'm the "needy" person who went out and secured a high-paying job (because I had to, for the good of the family, of course) and is totally able to sustain myself if I had to, and who distances herself emotionally from situations that are unpleasant; however, rather than do anything to actually solve the problem, persists in enabling and rendering the A loved one as helpless.
Yes, Needy need not be the clinging vine.. needy can be far more subtle and may come with a mask on, like mine does.
But I cannot deny that I see myself in this:
"The codependent moulds himself/herself and bends over backward to cater to the needs of his nearest and dearest and satisfy their every whim, wish, expectation, and demand. Nothing is too unpleasant or unacceptable if it serves to secure the uninterrupted presence of the codependent's family and friends and the emotional sustenance s/he can extract (or extort) from them.
Yes, Needy need not be the clinging vine.. needy can be far more subtle and may come with a mask on, like mine does.
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This is a subtle and important distinction: you can survive without him or her, but you believe profoundly (erroneously as it happens) that you cannot go on living without your addiction to your partner. You experience your dependence as your best friend, your comfort zone, as familiar and warm and fitting as an old pair of slippers. You are addicted to and dependent on your dependence, but you attribute its source to boyfriends, mates, spouses, children, parents - anyone who happens to fit the bill and the plot of your narrative. They come and go - your addiction remains intact; they are interchangeable - your dependence is immutable.
this really jumped off the page at me....
this really jumped off the page at me....
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Originally Posted by happybeingme 
I vote to sticky this here and on the adult children. Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you for sharing AnvilheadII.
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I like what Vaknin says about counterdependents too, I’ve seen a few of them along the way.
Counterdependents reject and despise authority and often clash with authority figures (parents, boss, the law). Their sense of self-worth and their very self-identity are premised on and derived from (in other words, are dependent on) these acts of bravura and defiance. They are “personal autonomy militants”. Counterdependents are fiercely, militantly independent; controlling; self-centered; arrogant and aggressive. Many of them are antisocial and use Projective Identification (i.e. force people to behave in ways that buttresses and affirm the counterdependent's view of the world and his/her expectations).
These behavior patterns are often the result of a deep-seated fear of intimacy. In an intimate relationship, the counterdependent feels enslaved, ensnared, and captive. Counterdependents are locked into "approach-avoidance repetition complex" cycles. Hesitant approach is followed by avoidance of commitment. They are "lone wolves" and bad team players.
"Counterdependence is a reaction formation. The counterdependent dreads his/her own weaknesses. He/she seeks to overcome them by projecting an image of omnipotence, omniscience, success, self-sufficiency, and superiority.
Most "classical" (overt) narcissists are counterdependent. Their emotions and needs are buried under "scar tissue" which had formed, coalesced, and hardened during years of one form of abuse or another. Grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and overweening haughtiness usually hide gnawing insecurity and a fluctuating sense of self-worth."
Counterdependents reject and despise authority and often clash with authority figures (parents, boss, the law). Their sense of self-worth and their very self-identity are premised on and derived from (in other words, are dependent on) these acts of bravura and defiance. They are “personal autonomy militants”. Counterdependents are fiercely, militantly independent; controlling; self-centered; arrogant and aggressive. Many of them are antisocial and use Projective Identification (i.e. force people to behave in ways that buttresses and affirm the counterdependent's view of the world and his/her expectations).
These behavior patterns are often the result of a deep-seated fear of intimacy. In an intimate relationship, the counterdependent feels enslaved, ensnared, and captive. Counterdependents are locked into "approach-avoidance repetition complex" cycles. Hesitant approach is followed by avoidance of commitment. They are "lone wolves" and bad team players.
"Counterdependence is a reaction formation. The counterdependent dreads his/her own weaknesses. He/she seeks to overcome them by projecting an image of omnipotence, omniscience, success, self-sufficiency, and superiority.
Most "classical" (overt) narcissists are counterdependent. Their emotions and needs are buried under "scar tissue" which had formed, coalesced, and hardened during years of one form of abuse or another. Grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and overweening haughtiness usually hide gnawing insecurity and a fluctuating sense of self-worth."
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(iii) Vicarious codependents live through others. They "sacrifice" themselves in order to glory in the accomplishments of their chosen targets. They subsist on reflected light, on second-hand applause, and on derivative achievements. They have no personal history, having suspended their wishes, preferences, and dreams in favour of another's.
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Her overwhelming empathy imprisons the codependent in these dysfunctional relationships and she feels guilt either because she believes that she had driven the abuser to maltreat her or because she contemplates abandoning him.
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very confusing to me. i sincerely do not see myself in the overall descriptions..... i know i have a codependent scenario in regards to my son's addiction, thus codie recovery work, and i can see the roots of being a care giver in my FOO but in overall world/self view i don't relate with this article; not victim, love being alone, believe in myself, etc.
totally relate with many of melody beaties' assessments but again, my codie traits haven't been permeating all aspects of my life and/or thinking... is there such a thing as situational codependency?
or is it so cleverly masked?! or is denial sneaking back?! or am i overthinking, again?!
boy anvil you sure do like to make me scratch my head and wonder!!! will ponder some more as this article may help me dig deeper. maybe it's just so subtle and deep i can't relate at first blush.....
totally relate with many of melody beaties' assessments but again, my codie traits haven't been permeating all aspects of my life and/or thinking... is there such a thing as situational codependency?
or is it so cleverly masked?! or is denial sneaking back?! or am i overthinking, again?!
boy anvil you sure do like to make me scratch my head and wonder!!! will ponder some more as this article may help me dig deeper. maybe it's just so subtle and deep i can't relate at first blush.....
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Originally Posted by Lovenjoy
... is there such a thing as situational codependency?
I don't have ANY trouble setting and sticking to boundaries with my Grandma (where my mother did - they actually had a mutually codependent relationship, pretty toxic for my mom.) I hold the position of "power" in my relationship with my Grandmother, and she acts super codependent towards me.
But put me in a sitaution that makes me feel voiceless and powerless, like I did so many times as a child and WHAM, here comes the codie behavior.
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Originally Posted by Lovenjoy
... is there such a thing as situational codependency?
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Thanks for sharing yet another wonderful read, Anvil. Funny that my phone popped up the "Auto-rejected call from <AM's new phone #>" right in the middle of reading it. My voicemail apparently malfunctioned too, according to this semi-smartphone. For shame.
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I wondered if I was co-dependent, naive, stupid, lost, on and on, and on. And on. But I think situational co-dependency describes me. There's SOMETHING about my XABF!! I don't know what. 4 months post-breakup and I still can't get him out my head. Haven't even had any interaction with him in almost a month and a half.
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Very interesting article.
Also - Solomio - to me, your post bears examination. How valid is the assessment of your AH?
One of the most useful things I ever learned in therapy is that when someone tells us we are unfeeling/insensitive/uncaring/selfish/bizarre/insert derogatory adjective of your choice here - what they are actually saying is 'You're not doing what I want you to do'.
One thing which is even more useful to examine in this kind of scenario is who is actually being uncaring/selfish/unfeeling etc. Chances are, it's not the person being accused of it...
Also - Solomio - to me, your post bears examination. How valid is the assessment of your AH?
One of the most useful things I ever learned in therapy is that when someone tells us we are unfeeling/insensitive/uncaring/selfish/bizarre/insert derogatory adjective of your choice here - what they are actually saying is 'You're not doing what I want you to do'.
One thing which is even more useful to examine in this kind of scenario is who is actually being uncaring/selfish/unfeeling etc. Chances are, it's not the person being accused of it...
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Can't sticky due to copyright issues, but I can sticky a _link_ to the author's website, or to the author's page from which the passages were copied.
Anybody have a link?
Mike
Moderator, SR
Anybody have a link?
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Counter-dependent here, yay! Ugh... one of those uncomfortably good fits. Also covered by a lot of definition 1.
I am continuously impressed with how much better I feel when I'm not working the "magic knowledge" and getting pissed off and judgy. Like the speaker said in my homegroup a few months ago "I won't let anything get between me and my serenity any more"- thats my focus now.
I am continuously impressed with how much better I feel when I'm not working the "magic knowledge" and getting pissed off and judgy. Like the speaker said in my homegroup a few months ago "I won't let anything get between me and my serenity any more"- thats my focus now.
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Alanon taught me there's a difference between love and need. I believed I loved the alcoholic all the while also knowing I didn't trust or respect him. Turns out it was addiction and a love of high drama. Thank God it's behind me now, I never want to go through that torture again.
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