Let the Quacking Begin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Let the Quacking Begin
I filled out an application for an apartment yesterday. Barring a huge blowup before then, my plan is to move sometime between October 15 and November 15, assuming I have the security deposit together by then. The leasing agent has been great, and she will keep me on her radar screen if it takes longer than that.
Obviously, I have not said anything to my AH yet, but it is clear that he is picking up on something. It's that whole "the more we detach, the more they hang on for dear life" thing, I suppose. He hasn't worn his wedding ring much in recent months, and not at all for several weeks. I commented on it a week or two ago, and he got very defensive about it, and still never put it back on. Well last night he strolled in the house after work with his wedding ring on, and waving his hand around so I would be sure to see it.
He had a bad day on Wednesday; his construction crew was rained out. He sat at home drinking until noon, then drove almost 3 hours away to look at a vehicle he was interested in buying. The truck was crap, and he spent the entire evening talking about how mad he was at himself for wasting his day when he could have picked our son up early from day care, taken care of chores, etc. He went on and on and on about it, and I finally said "just try to let it go. No need to be so hard on yourself. You thought the truck was worth looking at." After more kvetsching about it, I asked "why are you so hard on yourself about this?" And he responded with "because I'm a hateful person." *sigh* Then it was back to the declarations that he knows what a screw up he has become lately, and he's going to get his act together, blah blah blah, quack quack quack. Naturally, he came home the next night with beer, just like every other night.
He's been putting a lot more effort into being nice to me. Quack quack quack. My 40th birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I am willing to ride the train of peacefulness through my birthday, if it lasts. I don't want a bunch of drama on my day (like there was last year). But rest assured, I am all too aware that it is only a matter of time before the insults begin to fly again, and the verbal abuse will slide right back into high gear.
Obviously, I have not said anything to my AH yet, but it is clear that he is picking up on something. It's that whole "the more we detach, the more they hang on for dear life" thing, I suppose. He hasn't worn his wedding ring much in recent months, and not at all for several weeks. I commented on it a week or two ago, and he got very defensive about it, and still never put it back on. Well last night he strolled in the house after work with his wedding ring on, and waving his hand around so I would be sure to see it.
He had a bad day on Wednesday; his construction crew was rained out. He sat at home drinking until noon, then drove almost 3 hours away to look at a vehicle he was interested in buying. The truck was crap, and he spent the entire evening talking about how mad he was at himself for wasting his day when he could have picked our son up early from day care, taken care of chores, etc. He went on and on and on about it, and I finally said "just try to let it go. No need to be so hard on yourself. You thought the truck was worth looking at." After more kvetsching about it, I asked "why are you so hard on yourself about this?" And he responded with "because I'm a hateful person." *sigh* Then it was back to the declarations that he knows what a screw up he has become lately, and he's going to get his act together, blah blah blah, quack quack quack. Naturally, he came home the next night with beer, just like every other night.
He's been putting a lot more effort into being nice to me. Quack quack quack. My 40th birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I am willing to ride the train of peacefulness through my birthday, if it lasts. I don't want a bunch of drama on my day (like there was last year). But rest assured, I am all too aware that it is only a matter of time before the insults begin to fly again, and the verbal abuse will slide right back into high gear.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
"the more we detach, the more they hang on for dear life"
I sat in on a webinar last week that talked about how our conscious mind processes approximately 40 bits of information per second -- while our subconscious processes 11 million bits of info/second. Most of that is "automated" stuff like breathing, heart beating, etc -- but this guy also claims that emotion "leaks" through our unconscious and can be read by other people's unconscious minds. (I found myself wondering if codependent people simply have less of a "filter" for other people's emotions?).
Anyway -- he also said "we telegraph our intent in our body language" and that people might not be aware of reading our body language, but they do.
I find it interesting that so many people say the same thing -- "as soon as I detached, his behavior changed" -- and that's why I sort of veered off topic there...
You sound really calm and good, Wisconsin. And I think you have a solid plan in place. And that self-pitying quacking was among my least favorite songs on the quack repertoire. You're a hateful person? Well, then why don't you change that instead of whining about it? Gaaah!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
You sound like you are seeing what the reality of the situation is and that you are preparing as best as you can for the future. Hang in there! I hope things work out with the apartment!
My AH just returned from his binge drinking work trip and he's all full of fun ideas; here's his newly revised list: pilgrimage to Ireland, buy a piece of property in Japan(not sure what's up with the Japan thing?), improve his relationship with our son, buy a fixer upper and make a list of how he's planning on exactly accomplishing this, quack, quack, quack.....
I have learned that I don't listen to anything he says anymore because it changes from morning to night. I need to keep my sanity, it's precious to me, therefore I just listen and nod my head and say, "Ok, sounds great, dear."
Oh, and he's being super nice to me ever since we discussed the separation and how we're going to start splitting the assets. Weird how that works, huh?
My AH just returned from his binge drinking work trip and he's all full of fun ideas; here's his newly revised list: pilgrimage to Ireland, buy a piece of property in Japan(not sure what's up with the Japan thing?), improve his relationship with our son, buy a fixer upper and make a list of how he's planning on exactly accomplishing this, quack, quack, quack.....
I have learned that I don't listen to anything he says anymore because it changes from morning to night. I need to keep my sanity, it's precious to me, therefore I just listen and nod my head and say, "Ok, sounds great, dear."
Oh, and he's being super nice to me ever since we discussed the separation and how we're going to start splitting the assets. Weird how that works, huh?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
I love the phrase "quack, quack,quack". I have been listening to it for about 1 month now. My ABF moved out on July 31. Had no contact for about a week and he started texting and calling. Has been activly quacking everyday for the last 3 weeks. Good grief, I heard the same thing about him being a hateful person and all the rest of the bs that comes along with it. Also, all of the " I love you so much, and you are such a good woman" crap. My thought is then why treat me like crap if you think that? I honestly can't figure out his mind and it drives me crazy. I know I am going to sooner or later take that final step and just let it go, but why is it so darn hard to do. Ugh, I get so aggrivated with myself for letting him back in time after time, but I just don't know how to stop.
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