liv1ce

It's a bit late and I have been reading the stories of addiction and sobriety that those who have a year under their belts get to write. I had been there before and remembered on a previous trip down sobriety lane that I wanted to get a year done so that I too could write my story. My story of depravity and degradation becoming happiness and fulfillment. Well I got to a year but didn't feel the need anymore. After all it was just time and time in this environment of addiction means so little as it comes and goes. Time is just one of the things that we loose along the way. I have lost a lot of time, wasted a lot of time while getting or being high, scrounging to have more. worried, scared that I was going to run out. Everyone reading this knows exactly what I am talking about.

I began my life as my Mom and Dad's good little boy. My brother was a few years older and an a-hole. My sister was close but a wild one. They caused a lot of tears for my parents but I couldn't do that and really had no interest in drinking and knew nothing of drugs.

I studied, got good grades, was a science nerd with science nerd friends.

My parents were Ozzie and Harriet (if anyone else remembers them) living in the family of Beaver Cleaver.

I had my first drink at 21 but had 15 of them and didn't get drunk.

I found pot shortly after and knew I was home.

I got too old to get pot in my community and turned to bourbon.

25, 35 a hundred years later my family tried to stop me with an intervention.
It didn't take. But after that I couldn't drink anymore because of the smell on my breath.

But hey, look over there at those prescription drugs and away I went again.

Family eventually figured me out. Stopped me and I was sober again and had 1 on 1 counseling that was very beneficial. But not enough. I couldn't seem to find bottom so why not search for it with opiates. Oxy? Isn't that interesting? And that was after 10 years of sobriety.

Three years of that and my wonderful wife came to me in tears. She never cries in front of anyone - not even when our son died at age 8. That broke my heart.

I cleaned it up again and was feeling really great and enlightened but that one stinking pill after well over a year and I lost it again.

I am now somewhere around 2-3 weeks. I don't even know this time because time just means nothing. I feel great. I am in love with sobriety and the wonders that it brings. It feels so good to be free and honest and clean. No lying, cheating, sneaking, craving, worrying about running out, fearing travel because I won't be able to get anything and all the trappings that go along with being actively addicted.

I can't change the fact that I am an addict but I can change my behavior. I know I can do that but also know that I have done it before. I have won it all back. Luckier than winning the lottery only to throw it all away.

I'm keeping it this time.

I can't give it away (throw it away) again.

Mamahawk

Hi Liv. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry about your son. I can't begin to imagine the pain you have been through over losing him.

A couple of months into my sobriety I started to lose track of my days. At first I counted minutes, then hours, then days. Then I would have to look at the calendar and try to remember where I was at. Someone here on SR told me that was a good sign. It meant I wasn't counting days away from something I WANTED anymore. Instead I was moving on with my life. I still like to celebrate what I feel are milestones. 90 days, 120 days etc. But in reality EVERY DAY I am sober is a milestone isn't it? I guess I like to look at the calendar and see with my eyes all of these days I have added up after 20 long years of addiction. And I look at that day. THE DAY. The day that I finally reached up from the bottom of my pit and asked "please help me get out of here". As long as I live I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget pulling out of the driveway while my husband and sons watchedme leave. I'll never forget the coldness I felt from them. They wanted me to stay, but they were finally ready to let me go. I was going to leave them for pills. I was going to give up the one thing in this world I thought I couldn't live without. I don't know what stopped me. I don't why I turned around at the stop sign. Whatever it was I thank God for it. So for me Time is every minute that I take one more step away from that day. In the end it doesn't really matter. It just matters that we are clean and we are doing our best.

Congrats on your clean time. I am proud for you. I'm glad you are happy and breaking free.

liv1ce

Thanks Mama. I have found your posts inspiring, poetic and wonderfully written. I am glad that you have found your way as well. I know little of your story other than what you have written recently but it seems as tragic as most of us. We are all worth saving.

Mamahawk

We are all worth saving. The hard part is we have to save ourselves. I'm thankful for those of us that make it and I pray for those of us still struggling. It's a wretched disease.

Mamahawk

How are you today Liv? I hope you are still feeling good.

cleaninLI

Hi liv I don't know how I missed your beautiful post?!? All I can say is WOW....very philosophical!

Thanks for sharing it....and your personal story too!

My first time getting clean, I counted my days. I was very excited each time a day went by....then a month.....then 3 months....6 months...9 months and of course the biggie one year. As a matter a fact I had almost 4 years clean when I relapsed.

This time around I think about it a little differently. Perhaps it's because I blew off my 4 years clean? Maybe its because I'm reaching the age where I would rather not count time or think about time passing? I'm not really sure....but I'm not counting this time around. I know my recovery began sometime in February or March 2012....but I couldn't tell you the exact day. I think it's great for people who want to count....it's a great motivator....especially in the beginning. So I'm more than happy to congratulate others on their clean time.....but it's not that important to me. I just want to look at my recovery as a whole...and for the rest of my life.

OpioPhobe

liv1ce - I wasn't really counting the days on my latest attempt, and I found it to be better for me. During the attempt prior to the last I was counting each day and it became an obsession in itself. I think I was waiting for a particular day to come when the sunshine and rainbows would come back. In the very beginning I found the day count to be useful, because it gave me some level of balance. There was a significant change over each day, and I took comfort in knowing that there was some semblance of a pattern to it.

I just threw all that time away anyway recently, which has honestly been pretty depressing - counting days or not. The way I look at it is that we only have today anyway - addict or not.

It is good to hear that you are doing well.

Mamahawk

Opio you are the one who told me it was a good sign I wasn't counting days anymore. Do you remember? I will never forget that.

OpioPhobe

Mama - Haha - yes, I do remember that. That was one of the times I took my own advice.

godsent4

Hi Opio, How are you? Its Godsent3 but I lost all login info so I had to redo it all but the 4 does represent that we are adding baby #4 to our family, the whole reason I wanted off pills hope all my old friends are doing great! And God Bless you all

godsent4

Hi Clean, I cant send PM until ive posted 5 times! But im good thanks for asking, still have anxiety but its few and far between but its only been 7 months!