Neighbor

Hi all. Newbie here, with a question:

Should my relative, who is currently in treatment for the third time, be made aware of the negative impacts he has had on family and friends? It is unlikely that he is aware of much of what he has caused.

1. His siblings, relatives, and friends wouldn't come to visit because of his drinking.
2. He'd black out and do horrible things like choking people and touching inappropriately.
3. He drove like a maniac, scaring me that he's hit my dog, or worse.
4. I live next door and was so afraid of him that I slept with my bedroom door locked so I would have time to grab my mace before he got through the door.
5. He has guns. (legally)
The list goes on. I hated living next to him.

He trembled. He reeked. He was useless and disgusting. If I didn't see him for a few days, I would sniff at his door. I was afraid that I would smell what I smelled when I found my bro, who drank whiskey all day, every day, dead at the age of 38.

He has been in treatment for several months now, and has not reached out to his siblings or me. We don't think he has a grasp on the impact he has had on us, and that he feels sorry for himself, and is ashamed. He had a good life and wonderful family, but threw it all away. He's intelligent, funny, and a great guy when he's sober.

So. I don't want an apology, just an acknowledgement. We'd sure like it if he would talk to us. Should we let him know how we feel, or will he reach out if/when he's ready?

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR, Neighbor, though sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm both a loved one of addicts/alcoholics (A's) but a recovering addict. I can tell you that I KNEW I was hurting my loved ones, but until I embraced recovery, I didn't really get it.

Some people never grasp the damage that has been done, some do. My guess is that he knows but isn't ready to deal with it.

From my own experience, nothing I said made a bit of difference. I had to learn to let go of my resentments and not expect an apology or acknowledgement that may never come.

I learned most of what I know from the great people here. I hope you keep reading and posting.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MissFixit

What if there is no acknowledgement?

Hammer

ummm.

YOU take care of YOU.

Forget about him.

Yeah, I know that is a big jump from where you came in -- but if you are going to come out okay from all this . . . .

YOU take care of YOU.

Aint no fixing an A -- at least by us. And that is okay. Because remember . . .

YOU take care of YOU. (and any kids that need to be protected.)

You know about Alanon, yet?

Neighbor

Thanks all. I'm just worried because his family owns the property and will now be using it, and at some point he'll be back in the family, but only if he's sober. I don't look forward to the uncomfortableness of the unspoken. It will come out at some point, and I don't want it to be in anger at the wrong moment and for the wrong reasons.

Hammer

Part of YOU Taking Care of YOU . . . is getting YOU out of range of Abusive A's.

Neighbor

I guess I would be disappointed if there is no acknowledgement, because I was brought up to accept responsibility for my actions. I (somewhat) understand that he was not in control of himself, but he did what he did.

firebolt

He was in control of the things he did - that is why we want acknowledgement and apologies - we feel that is the right thing to do if we are sorry, and want to be a productive member of a relationship.

It may or may not come, but the bottom line is you cannot make it happen.

I hope you get this peace from him one day. If you don't, you can get it for yourself by feeling your anger and resentment and pain, and then by working through it and letting it go - without anything from him. Take care of yourself.

lillamy

And rightly so. We're all responsible for our actions. That said -- again, like Hammer said, taking a step back from the addict and looking at yourself -- what is healthiest for you is probably to expect nothing. Expectations of remorse and normal behavior from an addict quite often leads to disappointment and resentment -- and you've dealt with enough garbage from this person; you don't need to set yourself up for more of the same.

Impurrfect

I understand. I was raised the same way, and grateful that I didn't lose that part of my upbringing when I found recovery.

Another thing I forgot to mention is expectations. We expect people to do the "right thing" and they don't always. I am often reminded to let go of my expectations when I'm let down, yet again.

I have quite a bit of dysfunction around me, and it's been a long road, but I am much better about expecting anything from most people. It isn't easy, but it took a weight off my shoulders.

We often talk about the 3 C's -
you didn't cause it
you can't change it
you can't cure it
and I think you can't control is supposed to be one of those.

The big thing for me is control. By expecting someone to do something, A or not, I'm trying to control an outcome I have no control over. All I can do is what is best for ME.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

hopeful4

If he is truly working a program he will at the bare min realize he has alienated and hurt those around him and make amends. If he does not he is not really "working" recovery. Awareness is all part of it.

Don't have too high of expectations.

Sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here!

Neighbor

What a great group you are!!! You're right. I'll let go of my expectations, and give him my best wishes. Now that I think of it, I was very harsh with him on several occasions, regarding his drinking. Maybe I'll send him a text message. Please be critical if you think I'm out of line somewhere:

Dear So-and-so,
I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and hoping you are finding your way, piece by piece, by peace. There were times over the past couple of years when I was pretty cross with you. I hope you understand that my opinion of YOU is high...very high, and that I'm sorry for things I said that surely hurt you. I care about you, and like you very much. Be well!

NYCDoglvr

And why do you want any contact with him? HUH? I'd sever all ties.

spia

My husband is an alcoholic and during his times in recovery I can tell you that he knew! Honestly, it was part of the motivation to keep the cycle going.
It won't do him any good for me to bring up every last bit of hurt. And it won't do me any good either. He can't fix it or change it. I can't fix it. It's all in the past.
It has a way of rearing its ugly head sometimes and I'm learning to deal with that.
But it won't do you any good to blurt it all out. I promise he knows.

NWGRITS

Maybe type out those messages and then delete them. You get it out, but don't have to have the awkward contact. I haven't talked to my mother in two years, but I've written more than a few cathartic letters that were never sent. Sounds silly, but it works.

mayo0016

Cold hearted. All people have feelings. There was a reason you cared about that person to begin with. Sure, give some space to not get entangled in his problems, but "severing all ties" is a cowards way out that doesn't help either one of you.

Rosalba

If you make your own sense of wellbeing contingent on another's actions or behaviour, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You are expecting an active/recovering alcoholic to have the same value system and understanding as yourself. He isn't you, and expecting him to operate in the way that you would is just not realistic.

Take care of yourself - which may mean avoiding him altogether. He's shown you clearly and repeatedly who he is, and THAT'S what you need to work with.

NWGRITS

Actually, going No Contact is a healthy, respectable choice when you're dealing with an addict. Sometimes it's best to have no contact at all for the sake of YOUR recovery, which is the most important thing here.