gemini32

I have not seen my husbands drinking as a problem for many years. I met him at age 17 and married him as soon as I turned 18.(met in April and married in June-of same year) So I did not really know him or his drinking habits. I have felt for a few years that he is a A and tired to get him to quit in many ways, crying begging him to stop, dumping things out, calling bars he may be at, and the list goes on and on. Now I am to the point were I know I can not get him to quit, he has to do this on his own in his own way. It only took me 14 years to see this. I’m trying to detach from everything that gets to me. That alone is confusing. I know I am not filled with anger and hate like I was before. I am not reacting the way he would expect me to when he does something that would before make me explode. I am so great full that I got guided here. I’m not even sure how it came about, I just know I needed help and all of you are it. I have opened my eyes to so many things. To say ENOUGH with all of this. I do not need to be hurting like this every day, I do not need to cry my self to sleep, I do not need to call around looking for him. I know I was hurting my self as much as he was hurting me. I needed to detach from the hurt. All I can do is take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
I am not very good at putting my feelings into words and then trying to tell other people my feelings. Heck, a lot of the time I read the board and something clicks,,, “O’H Yea that is how I feel� I am still confused about everything and find my self lost several times a day. I’m just glad I am not filled with so much anger. I have so much on my mind and so much confusion. I know that my husband will not stop till he is ready, but right now I do not see it happening. I don’t know how long I can stay with things this way. I want to stay and I want to go. But the only place I would go is back to Alaska by my mom. The only out for me is to leave, if I want to get away from his drinking. This is all so very hard. It’s hard to make this huge of a decision when you still love the person with most of your heart, lol for the other part of your heart have already died away. I have been married to him for 14 years and him and my children are all that I know. I do not want to hurt my kids by taking them away from there dad. I know I should do what is best for me but I also have to do for my kids. I am so lost and lonely.
Well I have taken up enough of all your time. Thanks so much for letting me get my feelings out. Sorry it is so long and confusing. I almost kept going and going but I came up to another one of my barriers, it tells me to clam up and have said enough, go find something to do, like clean house or something. So I’m gonna go clean and get back on once I feel I have gotten something accomplished for the day.
Thanks to all of you, you’re all precious gifts
Gemini

Teggie

((((Gemini)))) Hugs and welcome! I am glad you found us! This place is awesome, it really is. I read your story, thanks for sharing that with us, I know it's hard to put it all out there. It's like wearing your heart out on your sleeve. Like you I lurked here a long time before I got the courage to post and introduce myself. You already exhibit alot of the traits Alanon can teach you. Alanon can still teach you so much more and help you decide whats best for you and your kids. I have just started alanon recently myself and there is so much more I need to know. But alot of people here have been in alanon for quite a while and beleive me thier wisdom and experience is awesome. I'd like to encourage you to give alanon a try, go to a meeting, grab some literature and if your broke, like I was, maybye someone will have some extra books you can borrow =) I am limited in going to alanon due to childcare issues so in between, sometimes several times a day you will find me here searching and absorbing info and offering info where I can. This is a great place to vent, rage, cry or say whatever you need to say. I hope to see you here often. Keep your chin up, Hugs! Teggie

Gabe

Hey Gemini,
Good for you, getting your feelings out is important. It's really hard to decide whether to stay or whether to go. Be easy with yourself and take your time making your decision.
Hugs,
Gabe

cwohio

Hi Gemini

I too struggle with the go/stay syndrome. I have only been to 1 Al-Anon meeting so I am at my infancy so to speak. From what I have read at the site, you need to get yourself together a bit before you make any big lifetime decisions and it sounds like Al-Anon would help you become stronger in order to make the right decision for you. That is what I am hoping and striving for. Keep coming back to the boards - good info!

Hugs!

cwohio :wink2:

Lorelai

Welcome Gemini -
I think you do a fine job of putting your feelings into words! I've been with my AH for almost 20 years - 15 of those years with drinking problems. I know what you mean.

Letting the anger go was great for me. After I did that, I had a lot more energy to focus on myself. It's getting better for me and will get better for you too. Keep working on yourself. Whether you stay or go, things will get better.
I'm glad you're here -
L

gemini32

[B]Thank’s you guys for being here for everyone who needs it. It feels horrible being alone dealing with these things. My husband and I had a pretty good talk last night on the boat ride. I told him I'm not gonna lie to him; I do want to go to Alaska some times more than others. He said I may just need to get away but he wants me to come back. He wants me to concentrate on my self to make my self a better person. He is a very loving and caring guy, BUT like so many others, I hate his drinking. Oh well, one more day down, Anyway, we go get our girls tonight, yeaaaa, gosh I miss the little buggers. We will not be there till Sat. cuz we are bringing some buddies to stop and fish along the way and just play around, we call it our road trip, the guys we are bringing do not drink much at all and that is nice. I just can not wait to have my kids back at home. When we talked last night I told him that I know BOTH of us were just about to through our hands up, say fu-- it and walk away. I think we are on a little bit better terms for today anyway, ha ha. ONE DAY AT A TIME! I have to make my self no matter what, to try to be happy and deal with my deamonds. Well I do need to get around and get ready for our road trip. When they get home from work we are taking off and heading to Idaho to get our girls, so I still kinda have allot to do to get the camper ready. But that is not stopping me from coming back and checking on everyone in here off and on through out the day, ha ha.
Sending much love and Hugs,,,Gemini