Dating someone in recovery
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Dating someone in recovery
Hi everyone,
I've been dating someone for about 6 months now, he is in recovery and has been sober for one year. He seems to be on a good path, and I want to be supportive as I can. What can I do to show my support and understand his journey a little more? This relationship is like no other that I've been in. I have my own struggles in life and I want us to support each other and be involved with each others feelings as much as possible. I really care about him.
I've been dating someone for about 6 months now, he is in recovery and has been sober for one year. He seems to be on a good path, and I want to be supportive as I can. What can I do to show my support and understand his journey a little more? This relationship is like no other that I've been in. I have my own struggles in life and I want us to support each other and be involved with each others feelings as much as possible. I really care about him.
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Hi,
First of all, I would learn as much as possible about alcoholism and recovery, and also how alcoholism affects the people who love an alcoholic. I've never actually gotten through the Big Book of AA, but what I've seen is very helpful. I would also recommend Al-Anon. Even if he's not drinking anymore, Al-Anon can be helpful for you. Especially because:
and
That sounds like me pre-recovery. "be involved with each others feelings as much as possible" gives me hives these days. The first part I quoted from your post is what I've heard referred to as "terminal uniqueness" -- we're different than other couples. The risk with believing that is that you allow your boundaries for what's acceptable to be moved -- because this is such a unique and wonderful relationship (you tell yourself). The second part, I'd call "enmeshment" -- you long to be so close that you take on each other's emotions.
Being able to set boundaries, to know where you end and he begins, and to not ever take on his feelings as your own (or expect him to take on yours) -- that would be my absolute minimum for a healthy relationship.
I don't want to sound negative, but the fact is that we tend to search out relationships that we're comfortable with. An alcoholic -- even in early recovery -- probably looks for (subconsciously) a partner with codependent tendencies. If you can learn to recognize those tendencies in yourself, I think you have a better shot at creating a healthy relationship. And remember to take care of yourself.
First of all, I would learn as much as possible about alcoholism and recovery, and also how alcoholism affects the people who love an alcoholic. I've never actually gotten through the Big Book of AA, but what I've seen is very helpful. I would also recommend Al-Anon. Even if he's not drinking anymore, Al-Anon can be helpful for you. Especially because:
This relationship is like no other that I've been in.
I want us to support each other and be involved with each others feelings as much as possible.
Being able to set boundaries, to know where you end and he begins, and to not ever take on his feelings as your own (or expect him to take on yours) -- that would be my absolute minimum for a healthy relationship.
I don't want to sound negative, but the fact is that we tend to search out relationships that we're comfortable with. An alcoholic -- even in early recovery -- probably looks for (subconsciously) a partner with codependent tendencies. If you can learn to recognize those tendencies in yourself, I think you have a better shot at creating a healthy relationship. And remember to take care of yourself.
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Welcome to SR TidnaB!
What kind of program is your partner involved in? Perhaps he would be OK with you learning about it? For example, AA has open meetings and at least in my region there are shared meetings between Al Anon and AA on occasion...
What kind of program is your partner involved in? Perhaps he would be OK with you learning about it? For example, AA has open meetings and at least in my region there are shared meetings between Al Anon and AA on occasion...
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Hi Tidnab0114, and welcome to the forum.
Good for you that you're looking to educate yourself on what to expect in your new relationship and how you can be supportive. My advice would be to seek out as much info as possible on alcoholism, addiction, recovery, relationships in recovery, and anything else you can think of. There's a lot of information in the stickies at the top of the forum page. That's always a good place to start.
I think it's important to understand that you've entered into this relationship a bit on the early side in terms of his recovery. He would have only been sober 6 months when you started your relationship. That's not a long time in recovery. In fact, most recovery programs suggest that people wait at least a year before starting a new relationship. That's not to say you don't have a good relationship, it just means you need to be aware of what issues may arise and how you're going to deal with them. It is very important that you don't "take over" his recovery. Remember, his sobriety is his responsibility. There's a fine line between "supporting" someone's recovery, and "managing" their recovery.
Also, You need a solid plan for if he relapses. Life with an active addict is no walk in the park. In fact it's hell. You need a plan that includes well defined boundaries, and most probably a well thought out escape hatch for yourself. One that includes separate finances and a fairly decent amount in a savings account that only you have access to.
It's also important to remember that the strongest couples are also strong as individuals. That means both of you continuing to grow and develop seperately so that you can be stronger together.
Good luck to you both, and congratulations to him on his sobriety.
Good for you that you're looking to educate yourself on what to expect in your new relationship and how you can be supportive. My advice would be to seek out as much info as possible on alcoholism, addiction, recovery, relationships in recovery, and anything else you can think of. There's a lot of information in the stickies at the top of the forum page. That's always a good place to start.
I think it's important to understand that you've entered into this relationship a bit on the early side in terms of his recovery. He would have only been sober 6 months when you started your relationship. That's not a long time in recovery. In fact, most recovery programs suggest that people wait at least a year before starting a new relationship. That's not to say you don't have a good relationship, it just means you need to be aware of what issues may arise and how you're going to deal with them. It is very important that you don't "take over" his recovery. Remember, his sobriety is his responsibility. There's a fine line between "supporting" someone's recovery, and "managing" their recovery.
Also, You need a solid plan for if he relapses. Life with an active addict is no walk in the park. In fact it's hell. You need a plan that includes well defined boundaries, and most probably a well thought out escape hatch for yourself. One that includes separate finances and a fairly decent amount in a savings account that only you have access to.
It's also important to remember that the strongest couples are also strong as individuals. That means both of you continuing to grow and develop seperately so that you can be stronger together.
Good luck to you both, and congratulations to him on his sobriety.
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I would like you to re read Hammer's post and by all means, mind your own business. That may sound harsh and you may not like it but getting yourself tied up in a relationship with an alcoholic is no fun day at the park. You think because he has a year that all is well? It's not! He'll always be an alcoholic. He can get back into the bottle at any time... even if he's got 20 years of sobriety.
Good luck and again, mind your own business when it comes to his recovery!
Good luck and again, mind your own business when it comes to his recovery!
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Thank you for your words of advice. Let me clarify, that I'm not trying to take over his responsibility of managing his sobriety or even be involved in it. That's all him. When I said that I want us to be involved in each other's feelings, I simply meant that I want him to feel comfortable in expressing any hard times that he's having or help that he may need (in things that I am able to help with... I know there will be things I just can't help with), and I want to be able to do the same with him. We have moved very slow in our relationship. We met at a time when neither of us were ready for a relationship and we waited for a few months before we even tried, to increase the chance of being successful. Since then, I have attended one AA meeting with him (he was speaking at it) and I have met his sponsor and the people that he spends his time with. He goes to about 4 meetings a week. We have discussed the potential for relapse and I'm aware of it but don't know how to handle it. I'm not dumb, I know this will not be easy and fun all the time. But I'm willing to try and id just like to continue to get advice and hear from people in similar situations.
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Alcoholics,recovering ones, are incredibly hard to deal with. I know, I,m one with 16.5 years of sobriety and have a relationship with one with 37 years of sobriety.
Even if we aren,t drinking we are still difficult people.
Read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, go to Alanon for yourself.
Even if we aren,t drinking we are still difficult people.
Read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, go to Alanon for yourself.
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Hello TidnaB,
I think Earthworm is wise to suggest the Big Book. It is free online. Personally I find it outdated in its view on women, but a lot of people treat it very much like a bible or Koran so it is good to have a grasp of it. Skim chapter 8 at the very least.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
Amy too has a good alert on terminal uniqueness and relationships that emotionally hook you in too fast can sadly be a red flag more than happily ever after.
Serious Karma has a most excellent post here.
I'm not sure what you are personally dealing with, but I would work on that. Do not drop your life entirely for this relationship. If Hammer is right that you are racing for a train wreck, create a station just for you... If you have time for Al Anon it might be a good fit...
Stick on SR too! Personally I prefer it...
I think Earthworm is wise to suggest the Big Book. It is free online. Personally I find it outdated in its view on women, but a lot of people treat it very much like a bible or Koran so it is good to have a grasp of it. Skim chapter 8 at the very least.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
Amy too has a good alert on terminal uniqueness and relationships that emotionally hook you in too fast can sadly be a red flag more than happily ever after.
Serious Karma has a most excellent post here.
I'm not sure what you are personally dealing with, but I would work on that. Do not drop your life entirely for this relationship. If Hammer is right that you are racing for a train wreck, create a station just for you... If you have time for Al Anon it might be a good fit...
Stick on SR too! Personally I prefer it...
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I'll look into that book. I met someone from alanon at his AA meeting that I can get in touch with about meetings here. I personally am a type 1 diabetic, which also brings daily struggles. It's not something I can fix and it brings a lot of serious issues to the table too unfortunately. He's good with it though.
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Well good for you for trying to educate yourself about what you're getting involved with here.
I'm married to an alcoholic, who is now in the process of recovering. Again. I think al-anon was a great suggestion for you to learn more, and to attend open AA meetings either with or without your boyfriend.
Personally, having walked down this path, I would never, ever in a million years EVER knowingly involve myself romantically with someone who has any inclinations or RECENT experience with addiction. A year of sobriety is a drop in the bucket. I've many times heard the first 2 years of sobriety described as early recovery and I think the majority of unattached recovering alcoholics are counseled to NOT even date until they've had a full year of sobriety under their belts. However slow you guys are taking it, I would slow the pace down even further. But that's just me and my two cents. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
I'm married to an alcoholic, who is now in the process of recovering. Again. I think al-anon was a great suggestion for you to learn more, and to attend open AA meetings either with or without your boyfriend.
Personally, having walked down this path, I would never, ever in a million years EVER knowingly involve myself romantically with someone who has any inclinations or RECENT experience with addiction. A year of sobriety is a drop in the bucket. I've many times heard the first 2 years of sobriety described as early recovery and I think the majority of unattached recovering alcoholics are counseled to NOT even date until they've had a full year of sobriety under their belts. However slow you guys are taking it, I would slow the pace down even further. But that's just me and my two cents. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
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Learn to have fun by yourself and with each other. I continually hear "I have to learn how to do fun things that don't involve alcohol". Not easy but like was mentioned have a backbone and not be a pushover
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You know... I was thinking about this post last night. I have a friend whose husband out of nowhere came out and told her he was addicted to pain killers (different drug, addiction nevertheless). He told her, asked for her support, they both went to his boss, and the boss gave him X weeks of to go to outpatient rehab.
When she called me and told me her hubby had an addiction, my first thought was "RUN! Run like the wind!" but she stayed. Went to family meetings at the rehab center; went to Al-Anon -- yes, Al-Anon, even though she hadn't even been aware of his addiction. I think he's about 5 years clean now, and they still go to meetings and they're still working their respective recovery.
I guess what I'm getting at is -- recovery does happen. When someone is really committed, and really puts their recovery first. When they're ready to let everything else come in second. I've seen it.
So that's where I see a little warning flag in your post -- no offense. You've dated for six months; he's been sober 12. Taking it slow or not, I'd be concerned about the commitment to recovery in an addict who starts dating six months into sobriety. But, as you say -- his recovery is his business, not yours.
Al-Anon, again. Oh, and I'd also read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" -- that was a real eye opener to me. It made me realize that my personality -- long before I married an alcoholic -- made me Primo Partner Material for addicts and people with personality disorders, and that I had no clue that was the case.
When she called me and told me her hubby had an addiction, my first thought was "RUN! Run like the wind!" but she stayed. Went to family meetings at the rehab center; went to Al-Anon -- yes, Al-Anon, even though she hadn't even been aware of his addiction. I think he's about 5 years clean now, and they still go to meetings and they're still working their respective recovery.
I guess what I'm getting at is -- recovery does happen. When someone is really committed, and really puts their recovery first. When they're ready to let everything else come in second. I've seen it.
So that's where I see a little warning flag in your post -- no offense. You've dated for six months; he's been sober 12. Taking it slow or not, I'd be concerned about the commitment to recovery in an addict who starts dating six months into sobriety. But, as you say -- his recovery is his business, not yours.
Al-Anon, again. Oh, and I'd also read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" -- that was a real eye opener to me. It made me realize that my personality -- long before I married an alcoholic -- made me Primo Partner Material for addicts and people with personality disorders, and that I had no clue that was the case.
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At least read the Chapters To the Wives and the Family Afterward.
Originally Posted by Tidnab0114 
I'll look into that book. I met someone from alanon at his AA meeting that I can get in touch with about meetings here. I personally am a type 1 diabetic, which also brings daily struggles. It's not something I can fix and it brings a lot of serious issues to the table too unfortunately. He's good with it though.
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hahahaha. ahhh.
Yeah, at first (about maybe the first 10 passes) on the To Wives chapter, some folks -- ok ME -- have some real problems with it.
But that Chapter (8) covers details or depths of Alcoholism that seem to match some of the current science, as well.
And the Family Afterward (Chapter 9) is pretty much ALL our (family side) Wish List Land for a Big Happy Ever After.
Do we have a link up for Free on-line AA BB in this thread?
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
ahhh. I see CJ already was on that.
Yeah, at first (about maybe the first 10 passes) on the To Wives chapter, some folks -- ok ME -- have some real problems with it.
But that Chapter (8) covers details or depths of Alcoholism that seem to match some of the current science, as well.
And the Family Afterward (Chapter 9) is pretty much ALL our (family side) Wish List Land for a Big Happy Ever After.
Do we have a link up for Free on-line AA BB in this thread?
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
ahhh. I see CJ already was on that.
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i've been thinking about this thread since yesterday....and while not the standard reply my thinking was.....
don't treat him or this relationship any DIFFERENT than you would with a non-addict...don't make exceptions or feel he needs something MORE because he's in recovery, or that it's your job to SUPPORT him in his endeavors. because as soon as we being to alter OUR behavior and MO to try and accomodate another for what we see as a "special circumstance" we start down the road to codependency.
as has been said, his recovery is HIS. just as your diabetes belongs to you and it is up to YOU to manage properly for your own best outcomes.
just go slow. see him for who he is, warts and all, and don't make excuses for unacceptable behavior. don't feel you have to be his sounding board....he has rooms full of program friends and a sponsor to walk that journey with him.
don't treat him or this relationship any DIFFERENT than you would with a non-addict...don't make exceptions or feel he needs something MORE because he's in recovery, or that it's your job to SUPPORT him in his endeavors. because as soon as we being to alter OUR behavior and MO to try and accomodate another for what we see as a "special circumstance" we start down the road to codependency.
as has been said, his recovery is HIS. just as your diabetes belongs to you and it is up to YOU to manage properly for your own best outcomes.
just go slow. see him for who he is, warts and all, and don't make excuses for unacceptable behavior. don't feel you have to be his sounding board....he has rooms full of program friends and a sponsor to walk that journey with him.
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