Ramblings of a lost one.
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Ramblings of a lost one.
So after AH's last episode, we sat down the next day and I told him that I hit bottom. I couldn't do this anymore. That I didn't know what his bottom was, but I hit mine, and he was going to lose his wife and kids, that we weren't going to put up with his stuff anymore. He begged me to give him a month, and said he will prove that month will turn into another month and into another month until one day we look back and it was all a bad memory.
That was a week ago. He went to more meetings than he's been to in his life. We had a great talk this Saturday about how we can't control others, but we can influence them into finding their own way - plant the seed, so to speak, and allow others to then make the decision on their own, and how I need to draw a line in the sand and stick with it - this was more in reference to my mother, who can guilt-trip with the best of them. But it was also about him, and he knew it.
That night, he drank.
I was heartbroken. But why did I bother to trust him anyway? I sent him a text, while he was upstairs sleeping it off, that obviously my "influence" means nothing, that his words mean nothing. He came downstairs almost in tears. So contrite. He made a bad mistake. Please forgive him, he is trying hard and slipped, made a bad choice.
I am lost. I love him. And I know that sounds so shallow, especially in light of what we are dealing with. Love isn't enough, but yet, it is. Does that make sense? And, he is a good man. He's a good man with a huge problem. Drawing my line in the sand and keeping it is so hard when he is so sorry. he said he will let his actions from now on prove how serious he is. How do I trust that? I would trust him with my life, but I can't trust him to not drink. How screwed up is that?
Don't judge me, please. At least, don't judge me as hard as I'm judging myself. I started CoDA, my first meeting was last week. I can only go once a week, if that, but I'm looking forward to my next meeting. I know I need help too.
I am so lost. My marriage vows were "in sickness and health" and if this isn't sickness, I don't know what is. On both of our parts. How do I turn my back on what I promised in front of God?
That was a week ago. He went to more meetings than he's been to in his life. We had a great talk this Saturday about how we can't control others, but we can influence them into finding their own way - plant the seed, so to speak, and allow others to then make the decision on their own, and how I need to draw a line in the sand and stick with it - this was more in reference to my mother, who can guilt-trip with the best of them. But it was also about him, and he knew it.
That night, he drank.
I was heartbroken. But why did I bother to trust him anyway? I sent him a text, while he was upstairs sleeping it off, that obviously my "influence" means nothing, that his words mean nothing. He came downstairs almost in tears. So contrite. He made a bad mistake. Please forgive him, he is trying hard and slipped, made a bad choice.
I am lost. I love him. And I know that sounds so shallow, especially in light of what we are dealing with. Love isn't enough, but yet, it is. Does that make sense? And, he is a good man. He's a good man with a huge problem. Drawing my line in the sand and keeping it is so hard when he is so sorry. he said he will let his actions from now on prove how serious he is. How do I trust that? I would trust him with my life, but I can't trust him to not drink. How screwed up is that?
Don't judge me, please. At least, don't judge me as hard as I'm judging myself. I started CoDA, my first meeting was last week. I can only go once a week, if that, but I'm looking forward to my next meeting. I know I need help too.
I am so lost. My marriage vows were "in sickness and health" and if this isn't sickness, I don't know what is. On both of our parts. How do I turn my back on what I promised in front of God?
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I am so sorry, my heart hurts for you.
Is he willing to get some help to stay sober, help beyond meetings? Meetings are a great thing, but they are not intense therapy as it sounds he needs. They are a support tool, but he needs more that peer support at this point it sounds like.
I remember this exact conversation over and over with my XAH until I just could not take it anymore. However, he was not really willing to work any sort of program, apparently just the program of thinking he could hide it better.
Forgive me for not remembering, do you attend Alanon or therapy for yourself? Going to a counselor who specializes in families with addiction helped me immensely.
Good luck and God Bless to you and your family!
PS...I would never judge you! We are here to support and encourage each other, not to judge!
Is he willing to get some help to stay sober, help beyond meetings? Meetings are a great thing, but they are not intense therapy as it sounds he needs. They are a support tool, but he needs more that peer support at this point it sounds like.
I remember this exact conversation over and over with my XAH until I just could not take it anymore. However, he was not really willing to work any sort of program, apparently just the program of thinking he could hide it better.
Forgive me for not remembering, do you attend Alanon or therapy for yourself? Going to a counselor who specializes in families with addiction helped me immensely.
Good luck and God Bless to you and your family!
PS...I would never judge you! We are here to support and encourage each other, not to judge!
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Location: New York, NY
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As a recovering alcoholic (22 years) what I'll point out is we learn in recovery that we have a choice each day. We can choose to drink or not drink. It helps if you ignore words and look at actions. And as a recovering codependent I must acknowledge that I'm powerless over the alcoholic and his/her drinking, the only power I have is my own thoughts, words and actions. In Alanon I learned that what I called love was really need (a great move to start CoDA), you've started on the right path to having an authentic life). I also learned that the problem wasn't the alcoholic, it was me and my addiction to someone who was incapable of loving anything but the bottle. His higher power, great love of his life, God and best friend was always alcohol. Just keep on being aware! A hug........
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This was your post:
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I think I'm really close to reaching my own bottom. So now I need to start thinking a lot more clearly. He is not abusive to our kids at all, verbally to me but usually the kids aren't around or don't hear. So i think I can take my time and figure this out.
I cant make it financially on my own. So I'll have to figure that out. I have a great job but it's expensive here. I don't want to uproot the kids, this will be hard enough. So i need to figure out how to put some money away. We have so many debts. He's drank so much money. Ds is finally happy in daycare, i don't want to start a new one. It would be so hard on him.
I just know, after the zillionth fight where he's not understood, i don't love him enough, I'm too perfect, i don't have an addiction (somehow that's a negative?) how i hate him (but I've never said that ever) i just can't do this again. He's always the victim. And if i try to stand up for myself the condescension, name calling, swearing, screaming starts. I don't think I can do this again.
I am in so much pain right now. He was my best friend. he was my everything. I'm absolutely heartbroken.
Honey, if this man is verbally abusing you, there is a big problem. He is not Mr. Great in that case. When you love another you don't treat them in that manner. And I caution you, if your kids don't know now, they will. They hear a lot more than we think when we think they cannot hear. I found that out the hard way.
I say this in kindness. XXX
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I think I'm really close to reaching my own bottom. So now I need to start thinking a lot more clearly. He is not abusive to our kids at all, verbally to me but usually the kids aren't around or don't hear. So i think I can take my time and figure this out.
I cant make it financially on my own. So I'll have to figure that out. I have a great job but it's expensive here. I don't want to uproot the kids, this will be hard enough. So i need to figure out how to put some money away. We have so many debts. He's drank so much money. Ds is finally happy in daycare, i don't want to start a new one. It would be so hard on him.
I just know, after the zillionth fight where he's not understood, i don't love him enough, I'm too perfect, i don't have an addiction (somehow that's a negative?) how i hate him (but I've never said that ever) i just can't do this again. He's always the victim. And if i try to stand up for myself the condescension, name calling, swearing, screaming starts. I don't think I can do this again.
I am in so much pain right now. He was my best friend. he was my everything. I'm absolutely heartbroken.
Honey, if this man is verbally abusing you, there is a big problem. He is not Mr. Great in that case. When you love another you don't treat them in that manner. And I caution you, if your kids don't know now, they will. They hear a lot more than we think when we think they cannot hear. I found that out the hard way.
I say this in kindness. XXX
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He doesn't want to do counseling, he's actually tried and has hit a few bad ones. But he won't try again. He has a list of people he texts when he is having problems but beyond that i don't know. He said he needs to figure out how do this without me interfering. Somehow when i suggest something he wants to do the opposite, he's very juvenile that way.
I tried al anon, but it was just a bunch of old women complaining about who upset them at coffee that morning. CoDA seems much better suited to me, and I've gone once. I go to eap but the person I was working with has moved, she didn't really understand either, told me I had a moral obligation to make sure he got better. I see the new person this Thurs. Hoping it goes better. Because it's eap (employee assistance program) paid by my employer, I'm stuck with the person they give me. Can't afford it on my own so I need to use this program.
I am trying to follow what my HP is telling me. I feel like I'm being told to not give up yet. I've begged and begged my HP for guidance but overwhelmingly that is the answer I seem to be getting. Which confuses me even more. I feel so lost and overwhelmed and turned around backwards.
I tried al anon, but it was just a bunch of old women complaining about who upset them at coffee that morning. CoDA seems much better suited to me, and I've gone once. I go to eap but the person I was working with has moved, she didn't really understand either, told me I had a moral obligation to make sure he got better. I see the new person this Thurs. Hoping it goes better. Because it's eap (employee assistance program) paid by my employer, I'm stuck with the person they give me. Can't afford it on my own so I need to use this program.
I am trying to follow what my HP is telling me. I feel like I'm being told to not give up yet. I've begged and begged my HP for guidance but overwhelmingly that is the answer I seem to be getting. Which confuses me even more. I feel so lost and overwhelmed and turned around backwards.
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Originally Posted by soverylost 
He doesn't want to do counseling, he's actually tried and has hit a few bad ones. But he won't try again. He has a list of people he texts when he is having problems but beyond that i don't know. He said he needs to figure out how do this without me interfering. Somehow when i suggest something he wants to do the opposite, he's very juvenile that way.
I tried al anon, but it was just a bunch of old women complaining about who upset them at coffee that morning. CoDA seems much better suited to me, and I've gone once. I go to eap but the person I was working with has moved, she didn't really understand either, told me I had a moral obligation to make sure he got better. I see the new person this Thurs. Hoping it goes better. Because it's eap (employee assistance program) paid by my employer, I'm stuck with the person they give me. Can't afford it on my own so I need to use this program.
I am trying to follow what my HP is telling me. I feel like I'm being told to not give up yet. I've begged and begged my HP for guidance but overwhelmingly that is the answer I seem to be getting. Which confuses me even more. I feel so lost and overwhelmed and turned around backwards.
I tried al anon, but it was just a bunch of old women complaining about who upset them at coffee that morning. CoDA seems much better suited to me, and I've gone once. I go to eap but the person I was working with has moved, she didn't really understand either, told me I had a moral obligation to make sure he got better. I see the new person this Thurs. Hoping it goes better. Because it's eap (employee assistance program) paid by my employer, I'm stuck with the person they give me. Can't afford it on my own so I need to use this program.
I am trying to follow what my HP is telling me. I feel like I'm being told to not give up yet. I've begged and begged my HP for guidance but overwhelmingly that is the answer I seem to be getting. Which confuses me even more. I feel so lost and overwhelmed and turned around backwards.
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I know, hopeful. The verbal abuse is only when he drinks. When he isn't drinking there are no issues. Virtually none. The odd disagreement about whatever ot misunderstanding that always ends well. It's only when he drinks.
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I don't think it matters what "program" you go to, Alanon, CODA, CR, etc, more that you find a group that you click with. If you don't like one, try another.
Check the resources where you live. My counselor moved away, but before she did she worked in a place for domestic violence. You could see her FOR FREE regardless if you fit that you had been physically OR verbally abused. She was wonderful and a great counselor.
I prayed every single day that God show me what to do. Come to find out, he was showing me all along, I was just not willing to open my eyes and ears and LISTEN.
Good Luck!
Check the resources where you live. My counselor moved away, but before she did she worked in a place for domestic violence. You could see her FOR FREE regardless if you fit that you had been physically OR verbally abused. She was wonderful and a great counselor.
I prayed every single day that God show me what to do. Come to find out, he was showing me all along, I was just not willing to open my eyes and ears and LISTEN.
Good Luck!
Originally Posted by soverylost
He doesn't want to do counseling, he's actually tried and has hit a few bad ones. But he won't try again. He has a list of people he texts when he is having problems but beyond that i don't know. He said he needs to figure out how do this without me interfering. Somehow when i suggest something he wants to do the opposite, he's very juvenile that way.
I tried al anon, but it was just a bunch of old women complaining about who upset them at coffee that morning. CoDA seems much better suited to me, and I've gone once. I go to eap but the person I was working with has moved, she didn't really understand either, told me I had a moral obligation to make sure he got better. I see the new person this Thurs. Hoping it goes better. Because it's eap (employee assistance program) paid by my employer, I'm stuck with the person they give me. Can't afford it on my own so I need to use this program.
I am trying to follow what my HP is telling me. I feel like I'm being told to not give up yet. I've begged and begged my HP for guidance but overwhelmingly that is the answer I seem to be getting. Which confuses me even more. I feel so lost and overwhelmed and turned around backwards.
I tried al anon, but it was just a bunch of old women complaining about who upset them at coffee that morning. CoDA seems much better suited to me, and I've gone once. I go to eap but the person I was working with has moved, she didn't really understand either, told me I had a moral obligation to make sure he got better. I see the new person this Thurs. Hoping it goes better. Because it's eap (employee assistance program) paid by my employer, I'm stuck with the person they give me. Can't afford it on my own so I need to use this program.
I am trying to follow what my HP is telling me. I feel like I'm being told to not give up yet. I've begged and begged my HP for guidance but overwhelmingly that is the answer I seem to be getting. Which confuses me even more. I feel so lost and overwhelmed and turned around backwards.
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Originally Posted by soverylost
So after AH's last episode, we sat down the next day and I told him that I hit bottom. I couldn't do this anymore. That I didn't know what his bottom was, but I hit mine, and he was going to lose his wife and kids, that we weren't going to put up with his stuff anymore. He begged me to give him a month, and said he will prove that month will turn into another month and into another month until one day we look back and it was all a bad memory.
That was a week ago. He went to more meetings than he's been to in his life. We had a great talk this Saturday about how we can't control others, but we can influence them into finding their own way - plant the seed, so to speak, and allow others to then make the decision on their own, and how I need to draw a line in the sand and stick with it - this was more in reference to my mother, who can guilt-trip with the best of them. But it was also about him, and he knew it.
That night, he drank.
I was heartbroken. But why did I bother to trust him anyway? I sent him a text, while he was upstairs sleeping it off, that obviously my "influence" means nothing, that his words mean nothing. He came downstairs almost in tears. So contrite. He made a bad mistake. Please forgive him, he is trying hard and slipped, made a bad choice.
I am lost. I love him. And I know that sounds so shallow, especially in light of what we are dealing with. Love isn't enough, but yet, it is. Does that make sense? And, he is a good man. He's a good man with a huge problem. Drawing my line in the sand and keeping it is so hard when he is so sorry. he said he will let his actions from now on prove how serious he is. How do I trust that? I would trust him with my life, but I can't trust him to not drink. How screwed up is that?
Don't judge me, please. At least, don't judge me as hard as I'm judging myself. I started CoDA, my first meeting was last week. I can only go once a week, if that, but I'm looking forward to my next meeting. I know I need help too.
I am so lost. My marriage vows were "in sickness and health" and if this isn't sickness, I don't know what is. On both of our parts. How do I turn my back on what I promised in front of God?
That was a week ago. He went to more meetings than he's been to in his life. We had a great talk this Saturday about how we can't control others, but we can influence them into finding their own way - plant the seed, so to speak, and allow others to then make the decision on their own, and how I need to draw a line in the sand and stick with it - this was more in reference to my mother, who can guilt-trip with the best of them. But it was also about him, and he knew it.
That night, he drank.
I was heartbroken. But why did I bother to trust him anyway? I sent him a text, while he was upstairs sleeping it off, that obviously my "influence" means nothing, that his words mean nothing. He came downstairs almost in tears. So contrite. He made a bad mistake. Please forgive him, he is trying hard and slipped, made a bad choice.
I am lost. I love him. And I know that sounds so shallow, especially in light of what we are dealing with. Love isn't enough, but yet, it is. Does that make sense? And, he is a good man. He's a good man with a huge problem. Drawing my line in the sand and keeping it is so hard when he is so sorry. he said he will let his actions from now on prove how serious he is. How do I trust that? I would trust him with my life, but I can't trust him to not drink. How screwed up is that?
Don't judge me, please. At least, don't judge me as hard as I'm judging myself. I started CoDA, my first meeting was last week. I can only go once a week, if that, but I'm looking forward to my next meeting. I know I need help too.
I am so lost. My marriage vows were "in sickness and health" and if this isn't sickness, I don't know what is. On both of our parts. How do I turn my back on what I promised in front of God?
I am not judging you at all. However, why did you state that boundary to him (or even just to yourself) if you were not going to enforce it? Something to think about... FYI, behavior modification NEVER works.
Hugs
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Well I did enforce the the fact he had to sleep elsewhere when drinking. A small thing but I was proud of that. Lol.
I don't know why I can't enforce the other one. I'm not strong enough. I keep hoping and believing. I don't know. I'm a mess. An absolute mess.
I don't know why I can't enforce the other one. I'm not strong enough. I keep hoping and believing. I don't know. I'm a mess. An absolute mess.
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I know it sounds horribly stupid and naive on my part. I would be incredibly frustrated if i was reading this about someone else. "doesn't she realize it's just going to get worse..." but when it's actually me, it's hard!
I know how I sound. I feel so messed up inside.
I know how I sound. I feel so messed up inside.
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It's a start. I was all over the place with boundaries. First it was you cannot drink here. Problem with that is that he would already be drinking when I would get home and I could not let him drink and drive. So my next boundary was I will not be here when you drink, nor will kids. Well, there are only so many errands to run, shops to hit, movies to see, etc. before you just want to go home. In the mean time, I was doing the counseling and Celebrate Recovery. This made me strong enough to realize that ultimately this was nuts, I don't want to be married to a drinker and I will not tolerate it. Before I ALWAYS wanted to believe when he said he would quit. Then I realized he would not, so it's all up to me. I kicked him out b/c he was drunk, acting a fool and scared me and MY CHILDREN.
He had not done that before nor would I have thought he would. It is progressive.
Hugs, just huge, huge, Hugs....
He had not done that before nor would I have thought he would. It is progressive.
Hugs, just huge, huge, Hugs....
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Hugs, soverylost. Your AH and mine sound a bit alike. I posted yesterday that I have decided I have to be done with our marriage. I love him with all my heart, and my heart would convince me to give him many more chances, but my head knows that all that gets hurt in that process is me.
My AH can say the most wonderful things about me and our marriage and how badly he wants it, but his actions do not back that up. I've told him that I will not go through a relapse again, the process to get through to recovery and all that comes with it. Ultimately, he just got better at hiding the drinking.
I've come to the realization that I must look at his actions and not his words. What his actions say is beer is more important than me, than having a healthy marriage or having children. His lies have shown me he does not respect me and we do not share the same values.
This is so very hard and there is more to our story than is in my posts, but I can no longer ride this roller coaster. No judgement from me - we each have to walk our own path and figure out what works or doesn't for ourselves. Please keep reading/posting here and attending the meetings. When you are ready to make a change you will do it.
My AH can say the most wonderful things about me and our marriage and how badly he wants it, but his actions do not back that up. I've told him that I will not go through a relapse again, the process to get through to recovery and all that comes with it. Ultimately, he just got better at hiding the drinking.
I've come to the realization that I must look at his actions and not his words. What his actions say is beer is more important than me, than having a healthy marriage or having children. His lies have shown me he does not respect me and we do not share the same values.
This is so very hard and there is more to our story than is in my posts, but I can no longer ride this roller coaster. No judgement from me - we each have to walk our own path and figure out what works or doesn't for ourselves. Please keep reading/posting here and attending the meetings. When you are ready to make a change you will do it.
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Carry On, that is what he told me. Specifically, he must make his actions fit his words and that he has to be sure his actions prove true. I know i can no longer trust his words. So i have to trust his actions. Or so hr says. We'll see i guess.
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Hopeful, my boundaries are everywhere too. Not only do i not know what is an allowable boundary, i don't know how to enforce them. I feel like I am being selfish when i do. Something I obviously need to work on. So much work. I feel like I'm drowning!
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Originally Posted by soverylost
MissFixit, what do you mean by behavior modification? I don't think I understand.
For example,
If you quit drinking, I will marry you.
If you drink, I will divorce you.
If you drink, you cannot see me.
What happens when the person drinks? You must enforce whatever boundary you stated to be consistent/have integrity. The message if you don't enforce your boundary is that you don't mean what you say/will not follow through. Words become meaningless and anger/dysfunction skyrocket. No one means what they say, but they keep saying it anyway in an attempt to get the other one to change.
You want him to quit drinking. He wants to appease you with words to get you off his back and stay to keep the status quo.
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I understand Miss Fixit. So what is the difference between setting a boundary (we cannot be around ah when he drinks) and behavior modification? How would I go about that properly? If I state my boundary, which I did (but didn't follow thru) and he begs me to reconsider, do I still follow through with that boundary?
I get lost in all of this. I want to be forgiving, I want to give second chances. But I forgive and forgive, I give second, third, fourth chances. He has put up with a lot from me - depression, codependency, anxiety disorder. I know that he has chosen to stay and given me chance after chance. I have worked on it, I have gotten much better. I wouldn't have without his push. I'm trying to push him to get better like he pushed me, but it leaves us both frustrated.
Oh I wish I was making sense! I know this all sounds like crazy ramblings. My head is so messed up. and he was the one I used to be able to talk about all this to. I can't anymore. I've lost that one person I always relied on.
I get lost in all of this. I want to be forgiving, I want to give second chances. But I forgive and forgive, I give second, third, fourth chances. He has put up with a lot from me - depression, codependency, anxiety disorder. I know that he has chosen to stay and given me chance after chance. I have worked on it, I have gotten much better. I wouldn't have without his push. I'm trying to push him to get better like he pushed me, but it leaves us both frustrated.
Oh I wish I was making sense! I know this all sounds like crazy ramblings. My head is so messed up. and he was the one I used to be able to talk about all this to. I can't anymore. I've lost that one person I always relied on.
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