Could really use some advice
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
Could really use some advice
Hi, I am looking for some advice and support tonight. I talked to my AH today, we have been separated since April, and he moved to the state we are in to be closer to us. At first, I thought this would be a good thing. I know he has huge problems, but I was really hoping he could get more help here, as the healthcare is better. That hasn't happened, he refuses to get help, or really even admit there is a problem. We were married 20 years, and this breaks my heart. So here is today's issue...
As we were talking he says he is moving to an apartment, he has been living with a friend and the friend's family. There have been numerous times the police were called to this house because of domestic issues between the friend and his wife. I have done my best to make sure our teenage boys were not over there, and they see their dad in public places, going to lunch together, ect... At any rate, he had to move out because things kept getting worse, and the "friend" tried to attack him more then once while drunk. This friend was in jail for several years and is a big guy. My AH calmly explained that the friend came at him so AH took out a gun and told friend that he would shoot him if he didn't stop. A GUN??? He said it wasn't loaded, but it made the guy back off, and he put it next to him in his room so friend would leave him alone.
Now my AH has always had guns around, his family all hunts, but now he apparently finds nothing wrong with 1) pointing them at people, and 2) being around people who could, and would, seriously hurt you because they're drunk. OMG. When I told him that this was not a normal situation, and asked why he thought this was ok, and why he would surround himself with these kinds of people, he became defensive and hurt. He told me they were good people and would do anything for him, and he didn't understand why I couldn't just support him. He told me I should have said " Well, Friend should have realized what a good friend he was losing by acting this way." Really?!! He also told me that this was why he couldn't tell me things anymore, because I was so judgemental.
It was surreal.
I'm going to get in touch with a lawyer this week, to get some advice. So far he hasn't asked to see the boys that often, and it has been for short intervals. They don't particularly want to be around him right now, especially my youngest, who wants nothing to do with him. While that is sad, and I am careful what I say to them about their dad, we all know he is unstable. I don't know whether it's the drugs, or mental illness,( probably both), but I make sure when they are with him they always have a phone, and know to call if things get wierd. But now he wants to take them camping, and says they could stay overnight. I don't think he would ever delibrately hurt them, but.... I'm so worried. He's just not right, and he doesn't see it. He is around horrible people, and makes such awful choices!
Does anyone have any advice on this? My boys are 14 and up, so they can definitely tell what they have seen, and hopefully would have a say in custody, but I know I have to prove the things I'm saying. I do have a few letters and emails where he talks about anger issues, and one that talks about his drug use. He's never been arrested for it though. He does have a felony pending against him... Also, his mom and I are fairly close, should I let her know about the gun issue? There's nothing she can do really, he's not listening to anyone, and I hate to worry her more. I hate this. It's like my husband was taken over by this crazy man who I would never, ever want to have anything to do with. Now that we are apart, I can sleep nights. I have let go of taking care of him, God has that one, I can't, but I want my boys to be safe! Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you.
As we were talking he says he is moving to an apartment, he has been living with a friend and the friend's family. There have been numerous times the police were called to this house because of domestic issues between the friend and his wife. I have done my best to make sure our teenage boys were not over there, and they see their dad in public places, going to lunch together, ect... At any rate, he had to move out because things kept getting worse, and the "friend" tried to attack him more then once while drunk. This friend was in jail for several years and is a big guy. My AH calmly explained that the friend came at him so AH took out a gun and told friend that he would shoot him if he didn't stop. A GUN??? He said it wasn't loaded, but it made the guy back off, and he put it next to him in his room so friend would leave him alone.
Now my AH has always had guns around, his family all hunts, but now he apparently finds nothing wrong with 1) pointing them at people, and 2) being around people who could, and would, seriously hurt you because they're drunk. OMG. When I told him that this was not a normal situation, and asked why he thought this was ok, and why he would surround himself with these kinds of people, he became defensive and hurt. He told me they were good people and would do anything for him, and he didn't understand why I couldn't just support him. He told me I should have said " Well, Friend should have realized what a good friend he was losing by acting this way." Really?!! He also told me that this was why he couldn't tell me things anymore, because I was so judgemental.
It was surreal.
I'm going to get in touch with a lawyer this week, to get some advice. So far he hasn't asked to see the boys that often, and it has been for short intervals. They don't particularly want to be around him right now, especially my youngest, who wants nothing to do with him. While that is sad, and I am careful what I say to them about their dad, we all know he is unstable. I don't know whether it's the drugs, or mental illness,( probably both), but I make sure when they are with him they always have a phone, and know to call if things get wierd. But now he wants to take them camping, and says they could stay overnight. I don't think he would ever delibrately hurt them, but.... I'm so worried. He's just not right, and he doesn't see it. He is around horrible people, and makes such awful choices!
Does anyone have any advice on this? My boys are 14 and up, so they can definitely tell what they have seen, and hopefully would have a say in custody, but I know I have to prove the things I'm saying. I do have a few letters and emails where he talks about anger issues, and one that talks about his drug use. He's never been arrested for it though. He does have a felony pending against him... Also, his mom and I are fairly close, should I let her know about the gun issue? There's nothing she can do really, he's not listening to anyone, and I hate to worry her more. I hate this. It's like my husband was taken over by this crazy man who I would never, ever want to have anything to do with. Now that we are apart, I can sleep nights. I have let go of taking care of him, God has that one, I can't, but I want my boys to be safe! Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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I got a call from AH this morning. The friend or friend's wife now stole everything out of his wallet. He wanted me to come get him gas at 6:45 this morning when I was supposed to be at work. Am I wrong? Am I being judgmental and overreacting? He constantly brings these people into our lives and they take and take, and he tells me what good people they are. I can't get the picture of him holding a gun at someone out of my head, and he's so calm and matter a fact about it. I'm so afraid he'll end up in prison or dead. He is so critical of the fact that I'm staying with my parents, and that my job doesn't make very much money, but I'm doing the best I can.
How can I trust him when he won't do anything to prove the things he says? I went and got him gas, it made me an hour late to work. I was angry and not very nice about it. I'm so tired of all this.
How can I trust him when he won't do anything to prove the things he says? I went and got him gas, it made me an hour late to work. I was angry and not very nice about it. I'm so tired of all this.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i wouldn't believe a thing the man says...sure, it's all THE FRIENDS fault, sure THEY stole everything out of his wallet. he's playing the victim card...and sadly you're buying it. he sounds very unstable and coming mentally unhinged.....
you are not responsible for him or his choices. you aRE responsible to yourself and the kids, to be safe and secure and happy. please don't send the kids off with him....anywhere. please do see that attorney, pronto.
you are not responsible for him or his choices. you aRE responsible to yourself and the kids, to be safe and secure and happy. please don't send the kids off with him....anywhere. please do see that attorney, pronto.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
I agree! I want to find a way that I can legally make it so the kids don't have to be around him, but I'm worried because I have been told its very difficult to get full custody. I guess I'll just have to see what the lawyer says. I just wondered if anyone had been through this, and had any ideas of how to deal with the visitation issue. I would really be more comfortable if he could only visit with them at his mom's house.
It was really hard to see him today. It threw me off and made me so sad, but I'm still moving forward. It felt like I was fighting back tears all day. Thanks for listening.
It was really hard to see him today. It threw me off and made me so sad, but I'm still moving forward. It felt like I was fighting back tears all day. Thanks for listening.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Calmwater, his stories sound like the typical stories they use to get money and enabling as often as possible...I swear they must have an addict's handbook somewhere with the stories, my son used them all too.
Your boys are old enough to see this for what it is and they don't like going there...please listen to them. Do what you need to do to stop that from happening. Document what they say and what you observe and fight for your boys.
It's a sad situation but one that is best avoided completely. You cannot reason with insanity, you cannot expect an active addict to be responsible or truthful or keep promises that he cannot keep even to himself.
Allowing your children anywhere near the drug world he lives in is to put them in danger, the worst kind of danger.
My prayers go out for all of you. It's a sad thing what addiction does to a family.
Hugs
Your boys are old enough to see this for what it is and they don't like going there...please listen to them. Do what you need to do to stop that from happening. Document what they say and what you observe and fight for your boys.
It's a sad situation but one that is best avoided completely. You cannot reason with insanity, you cannot expect an active addict to be responsible or truthful or keep promises that he cannot keep even to himself.
Allowing your children anywhere near the drug world he lives in is to put them in danger, the worst kind of danger.
My prayers go out for all of you. It's a sad thing what addiction does to a family.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It might be helpful to have each of your sons see a therapist who specializes in addiction and children of addicts and get an evaluation of how much this is affecting them. The therapist can then testify in court about their father's lack of ability to keep them safe and this will add a more objective view to your case. While parents think they are shielding their children, most often they know and have seen far more than you would think.
It will also get your sons some professional support. As the child of an alcoholic father, myself, it was far worse than anyone knew. I didn't know that because my dysfunctional family was all I knew. It would have been far better for me to have had counselling as a teenager than waiting years into my adulthood.
ShootingStar1
It will also get your sons some professional support. As the child of an alcoholic father, myself, it was far worse than anyone knew. I didn't know that because my dysfunctional family was all I knew. It would have been far better for me to have had counselling as a teenager than waiting years into my adulthood.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Just wanted to say thank you for the support and helpful suggestions. We were all seeing a counselor, and doing a family support group when we first got here in April. My oldest is still seeing her, but the other two said they didn't want to go anymore. I never thought of that being a help for custody. I'll give her a call. We do a lot of talking, and I think they're handling this all as well as could be expected, but we'll take all the help we can get. My AH's family is full of addictions and mental health issues and I really don't want to see it carry to the next generation. Again, thank you so much!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
We have been in T as a family for several years. I have an exh who is a recovering alcoholic. The T provided a summary of the kids and their relationship with their father that laid groundwork for custody and visitation.
I'm a big fan of family counseling with the right T. (and that sometimes takes time to find)
Hugs,
qwer
I'm a big fan of family counseling with the right T. (and that sometimes takes time to find)
Hugs,
qwer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
More threats today. He's all done and me keeping the kids from him is vindictive and cruel. He's getting a lawyer and expects a mental health report on my dad. (Dad has been forgetful lately and said some odd things, causing a fight between him and my mother, I made the mistake of talking to AH about it before things got so bad) he wants me to make the boys call him and if I don't he's just going to show up at 6 am to get them. I better prepare because things are going to get wicked bad.
He had texted my middle boy and he hadn't got back to him. He finally got him on the phone tonight and yelled at him for not calling. He browbeat him and laid a guilt trip. He hadn't done anything wrong and he can't understand why they don't call more. My youngest won't talk to AH anymore as he constantly tells him how good things are, or tries to get him to say they I'm saying bad things about him. I'm not actually, I wouldn't say bad things to them about their dad. I am honest however, when they ask me questions. My middle son was so upset when he got off the phone. "He doesn't want to talk to me, mom." he said, he told me that anytime he talks to his dad, it's all about AH. It's only a few minutes, and they're always upset afterwards! I want to protect my kids, I want to respect their feelings, and I don't think they should have to talk to him if they don't want to right now. I think he should be trying to fix and rebuild the relationships, and he's not. He's confrontational and pushy, not a big surprise, but! My mother in law thinks I should make them call him and maybe he'll stop some of this. She also said it looks bad if I'm trying to keep the kids from him. Does anyone have any ideas about this? I don't have a lot of money right now and am going through legal aide, so it will be at least next week before I can talk to a lawyer about this. Thanks again for everyone's help and support.
He had texted my middle boy and he hadn't got back to him. He finally got him on the phone tonight and yelled at him for not calling. He browbeat him and laid a guilt trip. He hadn't done anything wrong and he can't understand why they don't call more. My youngest won't talk to AH anymore as he constantly tells him how good things are, or tries to get him to say they I'm saying bad things about him. I'm not actually, I wouldn't say bad things to them about their dad. I am honest however, when they ask me questions. My middle son was so upset when he got off the phone. "He doesn't want to talk to me, mom." he said, he told me that anytime he talks to his dad, it's all about AH. It's only a few minutes, and they're always upset afterwards! I want to protect my kids, I want to respect their feelings, and I don't think they should have to talk to him if they don't want to right now. I think he should be trying to fix and rebuild the relationships, and he's not. He's confrontational and pushy, not a big surprise, but! My mother in law thinks I should make them call him and maybe he'll stop some of this. She also said it looks bad if I'm trying to keep the kids from him. Does anyone have any ideas about this? I don't have a lot of money right now and am going through legal aide, so it will be at least next week before I can talk to a lawyer about this. Thanks again for everyone's help and support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
Calmwater,
Document everything just as you did hear, time/date/summary. Keep emails, txt msgs if possible. Is there a counselor at school you would trust to see the boys? Just to give them an outlet to vent? I found that it's really tough on the kids....they love their mothers and fathers and despite the addiction there is usually a great sense of loyalty to the addicted parent. And the addict will use that at any expense. And I know you know that.
I divorced an A several years ago. It got much worse as the divorce got closer and closer.
The other idea would be to go to JDR and ask for a guardian ad litem. We had one. It's a court appointed attorney who is supposed to be an advocate for the kids. He/she interviews all parties and makes a recommendation to the judge. The recommendation is just that, a recommendation. The judge can do his own thing. In my state the cost of the guardian ad litem is based on income and both parents pay.
Maybe try to schedule a time every other day for dad to call and ask that the conversation be kept to 5 mins per kid. That way you have a schedule (which be probably wont stick to) and the kids can prepare (and you too).
I've been through similar....it's very hard watching the kids suffer. I found that their dad was calling one of the boys about 1 am every night (he was 14 at the time) and crying to him for hours about how bad his life was....I finally had to turn the phone off and on during certain hours to protect him from his father......it's crazy!!!
I hope there's some relief soon for you and your family.
qwer
Document everything just as you did hear, time/date/summary. Keep emails, txt msgs if possible. Is there a counselor at school you would trust to see the boys? Just to give them an outlet to vent? I found that it's really tough on the kids....they love their mothers and fathers and despite the addiction there is usually a great sense of loyalty to the addicted parent. And the addict will use that at any expense. And I know you know that.
I divorced an A several years ago. It got much worse as the divorce got closer and closer.
The other idea would be to go to JDR and ask for a guardian ad litem. We had one. It's a court appointed attorney who is supposed to be an advocate for the kids. He/she interviews all parties and makes a recommendation to the judge. The recommendation is just that, a recommendation. The judge can do his own thing. In my state the cost of the guardian ad litem is based on income and both parents pay.
Maybe try to schedule a time every other day for dad to call and ask that the conversation be kept to 5 mins per kid. That way you have a schedule (which be probably wont stick to) and the kids can prepare (and you too).
I've been through similar....it's very hard watching the kids suffer. I found that their dad was calling one of the boys about 1 am every night (he was 14 at the time) and crying to him for hours about how bad his life was....I finally had to turn the phone off and on during certain hours to protect him from his father......it's crazy!!!
I hope there's some relief soon for you and your family.
qwer
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