purechaos

I know I have a tendency to come and go around here. .. really I never leave I just get quiet. I don't actually know how many people on sr actually know what my "battle" is. I have issues with pain pills but I have chronic pain issues as well. .. my medications were mainly obtained via valid scripts for valid reasons. Did I misuse my meds....yes... but only because they stopped working the way I needed them to work (take the pain away, give me the energy to keep up with my toddler twin boys). Fast forward through everything and now I am 37 weeks pregnant. I have been back and forth with my doctors about what the best path was. .. basically stuck in a really ****** position. Take the meds to maintain my pain control and ability to care for my toddlers but risk my unborn being born addicted. .. go through withdrawals and risk miscarriage. ... wean down and suffer through the impossible pain. .. nothing was a good choice. .. There were no good solutions. Meanwhile I am suffering with intense amounts of guilt because why would I put an innocent child into this. Don't get me wrong I want another child but I should have dealt with all the tough choices before I was growing a tiny human in me.

So now with baby due anytime I know that it's all or nothing. I took some oxy on Thursday morning at 4am (after waking in terrible pain. ) and have taken only Tylenol since. I was expecting strong withdrawals again. .. For whatever reason this time I wasn't anxious about it... I knew (know) it has to be done. I have to get the meds out of mine and my babies system now so he doesn't suffer when he is born. I have grand intentions of not taking another pill until after he is born (some time between now and the 22nd) but I know if someone set a pill in front of me I would struggle not to take it. My already terrible pain has been increased greatly with the pregnancy. .I am at a point now where simple tasks such as walking to the bathroom or getting out of bed are almost unbearable. ..

I am not always honest on this site (well not that I have ever lied just chose to limit what I shared. ) no matter how much people pour their hearts and souls souls out on this site. .. something about being a pregnant addict always makes me feel like the bottom of the barrel... and I know people (regardless of if they say it or not) are judging me more intensely because it's not just me and there is an innocent life in my hands.

Anyways I thought I should check in. . Just in case there was anyone wondering. .. hope everyone is doing well fighting their demons.

Ps. Before anyone says "consult with your doctor" I am well aware of what I am doing by stopping the meds, my baby is moving fine, I am watching things closely, and if I start feeling even slightly off my hospital is 4 blocks away and I will not hesitate to go. ... plus on top of that my ob was aware of my last attempt at cold turkey and at this point of my pregnancy wasn't too concerned about it....

trachemys

I only got one thing for you:

Repeat after me:

I don't do that anymore.

Repeat as necessary.

cleaninLI

Purechaos glad you checked in! I was just thinking about you! I figured baby was due any day now. Sorry you are going thru extreme pain! I can only imagine...pregnancy is uncomfortable as it is....add chronic pain into the mix and ouch you must be miserable!

I've had a question for a long time now.....not just because of your post....just something I thought about........ hope you can answer it. You know how we always worry about baby being born addicted and have to withdraw after being born, right? So many women go cold turkey just before their due dates. But can't baby withdrawal inuteral? Are we certain they feel no discomfort? Just curious how that works. If they do feel discomfort then wouldn't a taper plan be better?

purechaos

Early in pregnancy the cold turkey withdrawal can be fatal on a fetus. It can cause high blood pressure and cramping and all sorts of other things that are not ideal for a newly growing life. As far as further in the pregnancy goes yes the babies do experience the withdrawal of mom's going cold turkey. But they are stronger and more resistance to the symptoms. Plus from what I have been told mom takes most of the pain. After all human bodies are made to grow and protect the fetus.

Some doctors think it's better for baby to just experience withdrawal after birth when they can be medicated and weaned down themselves. After experiencing ct withdrawals I would never wish that on anyone let alone a new born baby (this is where my guilt comes in )

As far as weaning down. . Yes I think that would be the ideal. .. but think about how difficult weaning is normally for an addict and add the stress, hormones, and strain on the body of growing another human being and weaning becomes even more challenging.


I want to preface this all by saying this thread is hard on me. .. If you read back to my ct quit posts from last summer 2013 I vowed I would never do this... but I did. .

I'm pretty miserable but I know I will be even more miserable if I have to watch my baby boy shake and scream through the pain of withdrawal.

Mamahawk

Hi pure. (((Hugs))) i really hope and pray you can do this for you and your baby. Im at a loss for words and I wish I had the expertise to help you but I don't. All I have is an ear to listen and a heart to love. And you have both. Stay strong. I know you can do it.

cleaninLI

Purechaos I'm sorry if my question made you feel uncomfortable....that was not my intention. I know you have been closely monitored by your Doctors so I figured you would know the answer. That was the only reason I asked. You know my past right? I'm the last person to throw stones when it comes to using while pregnant. I know you are in pain and are on legit scrips. To tell you the truth it doesn't look like you are on high doses either. So it probably will not be too hard on you or your baby....plus that makes sense that the mother would bear the majority of the pain anyway. Another thing that came to mind is that baby's nervous system and whatever system that causes us to feel pain or discomfort....might not be fully developed yet? I really don't know very much about human anatomy....but it would make sense if that would be one of the last parts to develop....since its something needed after birth not before....like the lungs develop last too...because they are not needed until birth.

Oh well never mind....I understand its hard and near impossible to taper....I know I never could....not unless someone was doling out my meds...and even then I gave that person (hubby) such a hard time that he gave up on me!

Prayers going up for you purechaos that you and your baby get thru this easily.

Keep us informed ok?

purechaos

No worries cleanin... not you that made me feel uncomfortable. .. it's my actions and past and admitting to everything. ... The knowledge that I put this on someone other then me. Someone who was innocent. . Someone who wouldn't even exist had it not been for me. .. even the nurses the doctors the pharmaceutical staff. .. They all judge a pregnant woman on narcotic pain pills. I am thinking everything should be OK. .. If I was going to struggle with wds they would have hit by now. .. slightly upset tummy but beyond that I'm just feeling 9 months pregnant. I will meet my little man in the next 16 days. .. hoping it's much sooner. .. hoping to post here about a happy healthy baby with no issues...

and yes I remember your story well. I very much appreciate you sharing it with me.


I will be around. I will keep you posted. Thanks for caring enough to post it does mean a lot.

Verte

Hi purechaos,

You are in such a tough spot and I hope you do not feel alone during the upcoming weeks. I'm sorry if you are feeling alone at all. My body carried a twin pregnancy when any pregnancy at all was not advised for my body. The Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist OBs were an amazing support. Especially since I could not talk with the people in my life about how hard it was just to get through each day (hour by hour). Is there an MFM OB available for you during this time and delivery? They have managed everything under the sun during pregnancy and do it so well in my experience.

Please do not let guilt keep you from getting the support you deserve and need. And please stay in touch with us SRers and update. Or PM me if you need to cry/vent - do not cry/vent alone Hope you an get some sleep.

Mamahawk

I'm thinking of you today Pure. I hope you are doing ok.

Ashamedof

I wonder if your drs office can hold your pills for you and you go in daily to get your pill and ween down? Just a thought. Praying your baby is born drug free and healthy.

purechaos

Thank you guys. Your kindness means more to me then you understand. ... I am doing OK today. No sign of withdrawal symptoms. .. lots of pain. Tried the good old fashion sex induces labor trick last night ... still pregnant lol. Hoping Mr man comes soon. My doctor says she can't legally induce me till the 22nd unless there is a medical reason. I want to tell her that opiate drug dependency seems like a pretty good medical reason. Many days I feel he would be safer out then in. ... I am a fantastic mother to my other children I know I will be for him too when he gets here.


Feeling encouraged that I am not crawling out of my skin. .. it's all kind of strange that I didn't experience the wd symptoms (yet) this time.

Oh well. .. Here is to another day. I told my Husband I will go into labor today because his beloved vikings are playing :p told him I need to rip his attention away some how.

Happy Sunday to you all.

Verte

Tell her. Talk about it Do you feel that you have been able to be honest about the severity of your pain? I'm a very pushy, self-advocating patient myself in the sense that if I do not feel that I am being heard or listened to then I repeat myself or reformulate my response. Otherwise I get unnecessarily anxious and no one suffers more from this than myself.

Severe pain can be factored into anything else your OB might be watching for during this time...but only if it is known. You need to stay safe for you as well as your baby boy. Your health, mental and physical, and safety is essential to so many, but primarily you.

Greedy

Sorry you find yourself in such a tough spot. I really do sympathise and don't believe anyone that frequents these forums is in any position to judge.

I'm an alkie that has become addicted to pain meds. As a fellow addict I know how difficult it is to stop, I know that wanting to stop and making decisions to stop are not always enough to keep us drug free.

Thanks for having the courage to share honestly. I have found gratitude in it, that my addiction doesn't have the same difficult complications and consequences as other people's often do.

I know it's easier said than done but please don't beat yourself up too much if you can help it. It really isn't your 'fault'.

EyesOfAStranger

Pure - sending my best wishes your way. Yes, you are in a tough spot and I am sorry about that. I smoke, and can remember hearing comments people made if they saw a pregnant woman smoking. I have never judged, because could I be strong enough to quit if I were pregnant? I honestly don't know. And this is the same. A non addict will never be able to understand, and I think it's futile to even attempt to explain.

From one chronic pain patient with addiction to another. It sounds like you are doing the best you can for yourself and your baby. To be going through this hurts, to open up about it hurts. Know you are doing everything you can and try not to hurt anymore. Because stressing over it is no help to the baby either. Best wishes to you

purechaos

I think it's time to have this baby. Almost been a week since last oxy. Hoping for a quick minimal pain delivery. Hoping even more for a strong healthy baby.

brian810

Wish you the best !!!

Mamahawk

Pure I've been thinking about you. I hope all is well.

OpioPhobe

Pure - not sure if you had the baby yet, but wanted to wish you the best. Hopefully it doesn't turn into one of the marathon deliveries.

Jessika79

Hi Pure, I'm so glad I found your post. I'm pregnant as well (25 weeks), so I understand exactly how you are feeling. I pray for a safe, healthy delivery for both you and baby!

purechaos

I keep trying to update and my posts are not here. Sorry if o end up multiple posting.
Mason joined the world 9/10/14. 7lbs 10oz and doing great
No signs of withdrawal.

I would share a photo but I don't know how.


Thank you all.