killerinstinct

Hello,

For the first time in years I've started to 'think' about falling in love again and being with someone. I'm scared.. I'm so comfortable being on my own now I don't know how to open up to the idea of love again, I don't know if I can trust anyone after what's happened to me.. And although this time is different because I am a completely different person and am using my brain not my private parts to make the decision I am still so terrified.. I guess it's because this chapter of my life has shown me not to play games with my soul. I've learnt so much now and have learnt not to jump into anything out of lust, to work out what I actually want in a partner, what I will and wont accept, educate myself on red flags and remain whole myself and not be a martyr or a cody there's still a good chance I could end up in another freak relationship.. I don't have more years to spend on more recovery ... Has anyone felt what I am feeling? I feel paralysed just thinking about loving someone again but I know it's not right to live life on my own forever.. Also where the hell and how the hell can I meet someone.. Bars seem like a no no now.. So do dating sites but I suppose there are predators everywhere.

Your thoughts...

Tansy

The fact you still feel paralysed suggests to me you aren't ready or you have't met the right men to flick your switch. I want to fall in love again. The sooner the better for me tbh. I did all the work while still with ex and thought for HOURS about what I wanted next and what I would expect etc. I'm 53 and look younger but I know looks matter, at least at first. If I leave it a few more years it will be even harder to find someone and I will get too used to being on my own which will make me selfish and set in my ways. I know I don't want to be on my own forever.

I got to Church, I meet people through my hobbies and I avoid pubs. My logic is I'm less likely to get another alcoholic if I avoid pubs lol. I met one fabulous man a few months ago who raised the bar on my expectations and that was good. He taught me so much about myself and his influence on my life changed it for the better. It change me. I've never tried on line dating but I know some who have and it's been very successful for. I'm not sure how I'll meet someone tbh,I just know that I will soon.

TonightTonight

In your post I read fear of not trusting others and fear of not trusting yourself...is there any way you could work on trusting yourself to start? I think you're brave to be so honest about your feelings. You mentioned learning really great things, it sounds like you are on the road to healing if you are open to consider love again. It can be a bumpy and painful road, but there you are.

Like Tansy said, maybe you're just not ready. But you could take it one baby step at a time, one day at a time. Hugs to you...

Tansy

I would say too if you are going to dip a toe in the dating pond again try and chose a man who doesn't send you bat **** crazy with the chemistry between you on sight. It's OK once you get to know him obviously. The pull makes it hard to see the wood for the trees if it's there from the start.

dandylion

killerinstinct.....I learned long, long ago what type I have the chemistry for. If there were a hundred people in the room....this type would catch my interest.
He would be the well-contained guy in a tweed jacket with patches on the sleeve. He would have thick hair with flicks of grey.....and, eyes that telegraphed the intelligence behind him. He would be modest on the surface, but have a track record of accomplishments and talent. He would probably be a writer or some such intellectual who held a position of status in his particular field....maybe, he is a professor of anthropology or economics.....
Basically, he would be the "still waters" type with the lure of an interesting and complex person beneath the surface.
He wouldn't make a direct move toward me, nor would he be flirting with anyone else......but, his blue eyes would flicker with interest as I moved into his vacinity.
I would pick up on his interest like a bloodhound on a hot trail. Then, it would be off to the races!!!!
STOP!! DANDYLION! BACK UP 200 FEET; PIVOT AND RUN....RUN....

I had to learn that the type of man I just described is likely to be as emotionally available...after the chemistry settled down.....as a wet piece of bread. (emotionally unavailable is also attracted to me like velcro).

I have never seen these dynamics explained so well as in the books on IMAGO theory. You might be interested in reading some of them. Very interesting stuff.

I had to do my learning on this by trial and error. And...a lot of self analysis and introspection...

killerinstinct....I just thought I would share.....

dandylion

smc92va

Dandylion you and I seem to attract the same type. I too plan on running as fast as I possiblely can from the next emotionally unavailable addict/recovering addict I come into contact with. Falling for this type has bought me nothing but pain and I want off this sadistic roller coaster I've put myself on for faaaaarrrrr too long.

Tansy

I've heard that emotionally unavailable attracts emotionally unavailable. I worked out that the more available I am the less interested the one who aren't are and vice versa.

dandylion

Tansy...I hear what you are saying.....also, nobody in just one pure "type"...people are as different as snowflakes. For sake of this discussion, I think that it is a matter of knowing where our vulnerabilities are and understanding what we need..what makes us tick.

I am certainly no kind of authority on this stuff, though. If you are interested in exploring it more....I suggest that you look for IMAGO theory on amazon.com.....and read one of the books. Anything written by Harville Hendrix. He is well respected....he was a favorite on the Oprah Winfrey show. It will certainly be thought provoking......

dandylion

ladyscribbler

I still don't trust myself. I also have young sons (12 & 5 ) who are my focus right now, so maybe that makes a difference. I am flat out scared to start dating again, given my previous disastrous track record.
I am content to have Alanon friends, go to work (a solitary job) and pursue my other dreams (writing a novel). Between that and raising my sons, I stay very well occupied. Not that I don't feel a twinge of loneliness here and there, but not nearly enough to get me back out there dating.
I know I am just not ready.

LifeRecovery

killerinstinct-

I am aways out from my marriage and am just now starting to have some of the same interest in dating again peaked.

I have come to realize though that it is less about another person that is hard for me, but I have to implicitly trust myself to "GET OUT AGAIN," if something is wrong.

I am not quite there yet. I have decided after the last number of months/experience that I need to do this with non-intimate relationships first (because I have a track record similar in patterns to what I do with intimate relastionships).

So where is your trust level right now in yourself?

AnvilheadII

hon, this was your post SEVEN days ago...
I'm having withdrawals from letting go of the ex.. God it hurts. The more I shut him out the more I withdraw like an addict myself.. I know it's for the best.. I have to die to self, feel like each time I do this which is weekly I'm left with a big hole in me.. It's the only way I know.

i'd suggest you need to give yourself a LOT more time to truly get over this past relationship before even considering starting a new one. it's not a race.

biminiblue

Ha! I've been single for 20 years with only a brief two week foray into dating.

nopenopenopenope

It isn't a matter of trust - it's the irritation factor.

I'm sure you've heard of "set in your ways"? I'm an only child, I think I got set in my ways at about 7.

ashamed2day

Great information everyone is sharing. It had me thinking as well.

I came to the conclusion that finding someone new would be a want and not a need.
Since I don't need someone else to drive me crazy I don't want to right now.

The world puts so much emphasis on if you are alone something is wrong with you. I see things different now. I look at couples now and think eww I dodged a bullet lol.

I don't know if my post makes sense but this is what I thought of when I read your post.

smc92va

I have to agree with ladyscribbler- between work, NarAnon, therapy, raising my young (7) daughter- I don't have time to date really and I also know that I'm no where near dating yet. It will be quite a while before I trust myself and my decisions again.

Tansy

This has been interesting and thought provoking and has confirmed my decision that I am in a different place to most of the posters cos I do want another relationship and I certainly have time for one so thanks for that. One you are ready you will find the time gals

smc92va

I hope one day I will be ready for a healthy romantic relationship. Despite my busy schedule, I am still often times very lonely. I hate that I allowed someone to take a piece of my heart, someone who did not deserve it. I have hope that through therapy, Nar-Anon, friends, etc that I will rebuild my self esteem and one day love myself enough to attract the kind of true, healthy love I so desperately want. I hope one day in the not too distant future to be where you are. I hope you find someone wonderful who treats you with respect and kindness. Thank you for your post, it has really helped me to stay motivated and keep pushing forward

biminiblue

Tansy, I have the time. I'm not working, have no kids. I've been single for a very long time, way longer than I was ever in a relationship. Some people are not cut out for it.

I don't want to be in a relationship. There isn't going to be a time when "I'm ready and will find the time," and the "gals" thing? I will try to let go of my resentment around that

dandylion

Of course, it stands to reason that no two people are necessarily going to be in the same place at the same time. Each person has a different circumstance....and, there are sooo many variables from one person to another.

When one is ready....they are ready. When they are not....they are not.
There is a time and a season for everything......

I don't see the value in being critical of another on a matter as individual and personal as this.

dandylion

Shutterbug1

I've considered dating...but i just can't seem to find anyone i could see myself dating, oh well...i'm in no rush.

Become the kind of person you want to date.

Someone said this to me once, makes a lot of sense.