Yogagurl

This is me just grieving and working through my emotions on a forum where I can get these things out of my system so I can keep moving forward. Hind sight sees 20/20 and, while I haven't really gotten out yet, I'm still seeing the light and MAN, have I been BLIND!!!!

I see clearly:
When you say no, you are aggressively challenged!! I couldn't see this before because "no" wasn't in my vocabulary.
When you stand up for yourself and try to express your feelings, an addict will manipulate the scenario so you feel like you are crazy for saying anything at all.
I'm no longer needed if I'm not being used and it HURTS so badly to know that I can be dismissed so easily by the words he uses against me and the pain he tries to inflict on me by making me feel I am at fault for nothing. I'm ranting about this, I know. How miserable of a person can you be to manipulate people in such a way that it causes misery to the person who has done nothing but provide to you for YEARS.

I am BLOWN away.

Sungrl

I get it 100 no make that 1000%.

When my x would go on binges, they usually lasted about 2 weeks. He would decide he was done partying and then call me up and try and make nice. It always worked I fell for it. He was a drinker and an IV drug user of anything and everything. I would fall for the apologies and promises of change. I did that for 3.5 years.

There were even times in the middle of his "episodes" he would call me and ask me to drop off some smokes on my way home, or he would text on Sundays asking me to do him unemployment. Unbelievable stuff.

He didn't even hide the fact he was an A hole. Just took and took and I gave.
I see how damn dumb I was now but back then was a different story.

Don't be so hard on yourself! You are not alone.

hopeful4

(((((YG)))))

Ouch, that hurts. A lot.

It's a great and horrible thing to open your eyes and see someone for who they really are. I am sorry you are hurting.

Addicts are very very selfish.

Tight, Tight hugs...

BreesGram

Sungirl, this is how my daughter is with her drug addict boyfriend. She lets him get away with stealing from both her and me and their children (essentially when he's checked out of life and spending everything he can on drugs, he's stealing from his children too) and I'm here just trying yo sort all this out and understand how he does this and she just keeps on loving him and being there for him when I just can't see or appreciate what she sees? It's making me insane.

kej248

I am right there with you yogagurl, I understand how hard it is. That part makes me so mad and upset knowing they don't care after all that has been done for them. Stay strong, hugs!

FeelingGreat

That was a big shock for me in one of my relationships too. Everything was fine while it was going his way, but as soon as I started asserting myself he changed into a nasty person. It hurt at the time, but it was a good lesson for me.

Txhelp

Addicts aren't good mood regulators! Needless to say, he won't act appropriately if challenged.

Less is more.

heartcore

The heartbreaking thing is that - deep inside - I always thought there would be a moment of clarity in which the addict/alcoholic partner would - just for a second - appreciate all that I had given. I kept waiting for the "thank you."

I have had more than one relationship with an addict/alcoholic which I have needed to exit (because, well, that's my choosing pattern). In the end, all the giving was devalued and unrecognized, and there was only hatred and venom when I finally said "ENOUGH."

It doesn't matter if you invest a month or a decade. If they are addicts and not in recovery, you will always be the villain.

It is hard to heal from, because I (we) thought that generosity and patience and love were values to aspire to.

AND THEY ARE!!!

We only need to add discernment, and gift all of the good stuff to people who will value it and will contribute goodness back to our lives.

My focus right now, to heal, is to find those people - to sift through all the folks I encounter, and really find those right people - and then make friends with them and practice a true valued exchange of support. I figure I need to practice discernment first within my friend community, until it becomes skillful, and then I can consider opening up again to a love relationship which is truly reciprocal.

thequest

I've noticed over the years how good a manipulator addicts are or how much audacity they have but I think they had a bit of that in them to begin with. They don't care either. It's scary and frustrating.

Family member tries to drum up sympathy by how destitute they are(by their own choices & actions). I think the current phrase is 'shaming'. They also are complaining were are not like their rich friends and family who don't think twice about giving or spending a lot of money on people-this crowd is part of the reason where they are today-when young they had plenty of party money.

blackandblue

I like the black hole analogy with addiction- they just take. Even when they are nice- it has a cost. They can say- remember that one time I was nice to you.

Yogagurl

I think that in some cases, people may be born innately selfish and that may have something to do with it too. I have come to realize, after dealing with this for so long, the pattern is there and the pattern of taking will always be there. It's really evident at this point that the only time there is kindness is when there is a need for something. The reason it took so long to get it is because I never said no. I just gave and gave and gave. Once I'm gone, he will find someone else to "get" from, that I am sure of. It doesn't hurt me anymore to think he can dismiss me so easily. I have already disconnected myself so far emotionally, I couldn't fathom his attempts to reconcile. I WANT him to leave me alone. I WANT him to move on and find the next one. I look back now and I see how little by little, the toxicity of the relationship chiseled at my boundaries and that gradually, I created an excuse for every offense that was given to me. Looking back and seeing all this, I see how sick I became with his illness of addiction. The worse he got, the worse I got. I'm so grateful I am able to get out of this while I am still young and I still have years ahead of me to find joy again. I'm sad that I "wasted" four years, but it really gave me the incentive to be more selective in with the people I allow into my life.

Needabreak

This is one of the wisest posts I have seen on this forum.

Never lose sight of what you have learned through this relationship, Yogagurl. Those who can look honestly at their own behavior and learn from their experiences will end up in a far more enlightened place than those who keep repeating the same patterns without ever questioning their own role in the results they get out of life.