Need Advice...sort of O/T
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
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Need Advice...sort of O/T
So yesterday was the parent orientation at the preschool I've enrolled DD3 in.
I haven't told xabf that I'm doing this, I am waiting until court. I know that he would expect me to keep taking her to the sitters that would put me 2 hours behind schedule in the morning. Plus...she needs the consistency of preschool.
So all the parents are sitting in room for orientation. I look around and I spot xabf's old roommate. She lived there when we started dating....she was a bartender at his favorite bar....did his housework and such (things A's can't handle).
She hates me. Or did. I think she liked him and when we started dating she would get drunk and yell at me. She is a single mom now so I guess maybe she has had to gain some responsibility (but who knows).
Okay so I got off topic. My thing is....they don't talk ever but I'm worried she will tell him she saw me there. Is it wrong of me to not tell him until court? I still don't think he is stable. We saw him yesterday and he lost more weight (he's 6'1 and about 145 lbs on average). So he isn't taking care of himself. He will repeatedly ask me questions to get me to change my answer on things, and is constantly expecting me to change my schedule for his own convenience. I worry his family will convince him to go get her from there if they know, and not bring her back. I know, that sounds crazy. But honestly, with the means/opportunities available, they do anything to get their way.
Am I wrong? I feel like what I'm doing is best for her and protecting her. I have let him have supervised visitations. I'm not techinically keeping her from him.
I haven't told xabf that I'm doing this, I am waiting until court. I know that he would expect me to keep taking her to the sitters that would put me 2 hours behind schedule in the morning. Plus...she needs the consistency of preschool.
So all the parents are sitting in room for orientation. I look around and I spot xabf's old roommate. She lived there when we started dating....she was a bartender at his favorite bar....did his housework and such (things A's can't handle).
She hates me. Or did. I think she liked him and when we started dating she would get drunk and yell at me. She is a single mom now so I guess maybe she has had to gain some responsibility (but who knows).
Okay so I got off topic. My thing is....they don't talk ever but I'm worried she will tell him she saw me there. Is it wrong of me to not tell him until court? I still don't think he is stable. We saw him yesterday and he lost more weight (he's 6'1 and about 145 lbs on average). So he isn't taking care of himself. He will repeatedly ask me questions to get me to change my answer on things, and is constantly expecting me to change my schedule for his own convenience. I worry his family will convince him to go get her from there if they know, and not bring her back. I know, that sounds crazy. But honestly, with the means/opportunities available, they do anything to get their way.
Am I wrong? I feel like what I'm doing is best for her and protecting her. I have let him have supervised visitations. I'm not techinically keeping her from him.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
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In Australia it would be time to get a protective order which wound prevent him from taking her from preschool. If he showed up the staff would be instructed to call the police ASAP. Can you do that?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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He doesn't have any legal rights to decide or veto where your daughter goes to school, so operate as though it's none of his business. Tell the school up front that only you (maybe one other) are allowed pick up. If anyone else shows up, they are to call you immediately.
As far as XABF's old roomie and enabler goes, be cordial, tell her nothing. If she says something to him, so what. Neither one of them is a reliable narrator about his abilities, apparently.
As far as XABF's old roomie and enabler goes, be cordial, tell her nothing. If she says something to him, so what. Neither one of them is a reliable narrator about his abilities, apparently.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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The school CANNOT release the child to a person not on your list. You don't need to tell him anything, it is your decision to put the child in pre-school and only you and your mom are on the list for her to be released.
The school CANNOT legally just give her to her father.
tell them that there is a custody dispute and court pending. Tell them that you suspect drug use and alcohol. this isn't the time to pussyfoot around with the x roomates, or anything. you do not have to be "nice" if he can't meet his timeframe for visiting too bad, he loses his chance.
The school CANNOT legally just give her to her father.
tell them that there is a custody dispute and court pending. Tell them that you suspect drug use and alcohol. this isn't the time to pussyfoot around with the x roomates, or anything. you do not have to be "nice" if he can't meet his timeframe for visiting too bad, he loses his chance.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I would try what Fandy said, but I do beg to disagree. Unless you have a custody agreement (and you may, forgive me, I cannot remember) a parent cannot kidnap their own child. I would call and speak to your attorney about this just to stay safe.
I know here the school will simply delay. If a parent that is not the custodial parent tries to pick up the child and they know in advance it's an issue, they simply put the child in a safe room and call the other parent to come right away. This seems to work out pretty well as I know a couple of people who have been through this at the local school here.
I also agree that the best thing you can do is communicate with the preschool. Don't be afraid to tell them what's going on, including the teacher and anyone else who would be there when he may just show up.
Hugs....XXX
I know here the school will simply delay. If a parent that is not the custodial parent tries to pick up the child and they know in advance it's an issue, they simply put the child in a safe room and call the other parent to come right away. This seems to work out pretty well as I know a couple of people who have been through this at the local school here.
I also agree that the best thing you can do is communicate with the preschool. Don't be afraid to tell them what's going on, including the teacher and anyone else who would be there when he may just show up.
Hugs....XXX
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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If you believe there is a real risk that he'd take your daughter and keep her from you - you need to get a restraining order.
Where I live schools will not keep a child from the other parent without a restraining order or some other court order saying as much in hand. They do not have the legal right to do so. Most schools will call the other parent right away though if asked.
when is your court date?
Where I live schools will not keep a child from the other parent without a restraining order or some other court order saying as much in hand. They do not have the legal right to do so. Most schools will call the other parent right away though if asked.
when is your court date?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Our elementary school is <very> responsive- they see plenty of domestic trouble so an alcoholic parent is nothing new. They're really fussy about getting the exact list of authorized people ahead of time, they insist on a logged photo ID for everyone- parents too. I think they'd do the safe-room thing as well if some unauthorized parent showed up, my guess is my daughter's school would simply refuse an ad-hoc request and the non-authorized parent wouldn't get past the office. If the non-authorized alcoholic showed up, was thwarted and started getting testy then it'd quickly turn into a police matter and these days they'll there in moments.
I doubt an alcoholic who's really far down would have the wherewithal to contend with a well-run school administration, particularly if they're coming in unprepared. I would also urge you to warn the school- let them know about his likely condition and the situation. Even in the school-end pickup process the teachers staffing the lot get to know the kids and parents at least by sight- if they're warned about the possibilities then they can act.
I doubt an alcoholic who's really far down would have the wherewithal to contend with a well-run school administration, particularly if they're coming in unprepared. I would also urge you to warn the school- let them know about his likely condition and the situation. Even in the school-end pickup process the teachers staffing the lot get to know the kids and parents at least by sight- if they're warned about the possibilities then they can act.
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On the sheet that has the list of names for who is allowed to pick up, it says that a parent cannot pick up a child only if there is a court order. Which I don't have, and I can't get. He has never hurt her. He has put her at risk by drinking and driving, leaving drugs around her, but I don't have proof of that.
Right now I am just not mentioning it. I haven't even told the sitter she has been going to before I left. Its a real mess honestly. I don't want her to tell xabf. Part of me feels really guilty about not including him because I'd like for him to be there for her starting, but I know in reality he won't be excited. He will be pissed that its not closer to him and that I didn't consult him about it before hand. Last night when we saw him he just looked pitiful and sad. Not selfish and sneaky and scary. But I have to keep reminding myself just how quickly he can flip the switch. Why is that so hard?
He is already mad that I think he should visit her at my moms house instead of out somewhere everytime, he says its too far (its about an hour from his house which everything is that far from his house).
Today this just feels like too much. Why do I feel guilty for not including him, when deep down I know he will just make it harder for her? I started to feel guilty about his birthday tomorrow...but you know what? he didn't even get her a present on her birthday.
Right now I am just not mentioning it. I haven't even told the sitter she has been going to before I left. Its a real mess honestly. I don't want her to tell xabf. Part of me feels really guilty about not including him because I'd like for him to be there for her starting, but I know in reality he won't be excited. He will be pissed that its not closer to him and that I didn't consult him about it before hand. Last night when we saw him he just looked pitiful and sad. Not selfish and sneaky and scary. But I have to keep reminding myself just how quickly he can flip the switch. Why is that so hard?
He is already mad that I think he should visit her at my moms house instead of out somewhere everytime, he says its too far (its about an hour from his house which everything is that far from his house).
Today this just feels like too much. Why do I feel guilty for not including him, when deep down I know he will just make it harder for her? I started to feel guilty about his birthday tomorrow...but you know what? he didn't even get her a present on her birthday.
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Stop the guilt Blossom. You are right, the switch can flip really quick. It sounds like he is already aggravated about some other things, he would use this topic as a means to control I would say. Don't pity him, he got himself into this situation, he knew what he had to lose and still made the wrong decisions.
Keep your eye on what is important, little Blossom. Her safety and her wellbeing.
Tight Hugs XXX
Keep your eye on what is important, little Blossom. Her safety and her wellbeing.
Tight Hugs XXX
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
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Blossom- please pardon me for being assertive.. .but wtf.
Are you trying to hide the situation and then worry about how scary it is?
Sure they can't keep your daughter from him... but if they know he's an alcoholic they can make sure he correctly jumps thru all the hoops to make himself known to the school- and if he's unable or refuses to do so or makes a stink then they add delay and complication to give you time to get there and be the responsible party.
Are you trying to hide the situation and then worry about how scary it is?
Sure they can't keep your daughter from him... but if they know he's an alcoholic they can make sure he correctly jumps thru all the hoops to make himself known to the school- and if he's unable or refuses to do so or makes a stink then they add delay and complication to give you time to get there and be the responsible party.
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Which I don't have, and I can't get. He has never hurt her. He has put her at risk by drinking and driving, leaving drugs around her, but I don't have proof of that.
Biggest mistake I made in BOTH of my custody cases was ASSUMING what I couldn't and couldn't do based on secondhand information and google searches. Go to the source, make informed decisions.
If you're worried about what the school thinks, honey, this isn't their first rodeo.
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Florence - I've spoken to some lawyers and law enforcers. They all said unless I feared my own life or had proof of past abuse towards her from him, that I couldn't do anything.
I told one lawyer that I had pictures of him doing drugs, drinking. Recordings of him, pictures of his first moonshine still, texts of him wanting to bring alcohol to the hospital but not our daughter.
None of it will get me a protective order. I had chances where I could have gotten pictures of her staring at his pills, trying to take him his bowl. But I was more concerned about getting her out of that situation at the moment.
I am meeting with another lawyer tonight. I'm hoping she won't be a waste of a $150 consult.
I told one lawyer that I had pictures of him doing drugs, drinking. Recordings of him, pictures of his first moonshine still, texts of him wanting to bring alcohol to the hospital but not our daughter.
None of it will get me a protective order. I had chances where I could have gotten pictures of her staring at his pills, trying to take him his bowl. But I was more concerned about getting her out of that situation at the moment.
I am meeting with another lawyer tonight. I'm hoping she won't be a waste of a $150 consult.
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