Reality Check Needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Reality Check Needed
I met a man at a school event for one of my kids. We talked for 10 minutes at the most. Public place, morning time, 30 people around including a bunch of children.
We discussed single parenting, my work, his work, a brief "getting to know you" conversation. He asked for my contact information and I gave it.
That afternoon he emailed and called. He suggested we talk on the phone. I responded to the email about when we might be able to get together and suggested a few times because I couldn't go at the time he suggested. I suggested lunch.
His 2nd or 3rd email in two (2) days said "something about how we are so interested in each other and I realized that I wasn't really all that interested and was starting to feel uncomfortable with the constant communication from someone I had met only hours before. Then he started texting.
I sent an email that said "I don't want to mis-lead you. I am very busy with work and children and don't have time to invest in a relationship or romance blah blah blah".
He took it well and said he misread my kindness and attention as being interested in something more.
Here is my question:
I know that I am friendly. But I am sure that I was not overly friendly. And it was a short convo at a party, where most people are friendly and making conversation about their kids.
What do y'all think? It seems out-of-kilter to me.
We discussed single parenting, my work, his work, a brief "getting to know you" conversation. He asked for my contact information and I gave it.
That afternoon he emailed and called. He suggested we talk on the phone. I responded to the email about when we might be able to get together and suggested a few times because I couldn't go at the time he suggested. I suggested lunch.
His 2nd or 3rd email in two (2) days said "something about how we are so interested in each other and I realized that I wasn't really all that interested and was starting to feel uncomfortable with the constant communication from someone I had met only hours before. Then he started texting.
I sent an email that said "I don't want to mis-lead you. I am very busy with work and children and don't have time to invest in a relationship or romance blah blah blah".
He took it well and said he misread my kindness and attention as being interested in something more.
Here is my question:
I know that I am friendly. But I am sure that I was not overly friendly. And it was a short convo at a party, where most people are friendly and making conversation about their kids.
What do y'all think? It seems out-of-kilter to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's not you hon. you met him for 10 mins, exchanged contact info (we'll get back to that in a minute) and later that same day he is contacting you. over eager future stalker is what you have there.
now, missy, let's be careful about just handing out all our contact info to any ole body ok? get HIS email and then the ball is in your court regarding contact. or just say no, perhaps i'll see you around.
now, missy, let's be careful about just handing out all our contact info to any ole body ok? get HIS email and then the ball is in your court regarding contact. or just say no, perhaps i'll see you around.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Maybe he doesn't get out much.
I've also had the experience where basic politeness to a man was misinterpreted as interest in him. I had to be careful when I was I the military; there are apparently a lot of men in the world who think that a woman smiling and saying good morning to them means she wants to jump their bones. I had to be careful to keep my "war face" on unless I actually was interested in a guy, lol.
Otoh, you DID give him your contact info. Why do that if you didn't want him to contact you?
I've also had the experience where basic politeness to a man was misinterpreted as interest in him. I had to be careful when I was I the military; there are apparently a lot of men in the world who think that a woman smiling and saying good morning to them means she wants to jump their bones. I had to be careful to keep my "war face" on unless I actually was interested in a guy, lol.
Otoh, you DID give him your contact info. Why do that if you didn't want him to contact you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
He is military - that's interesting information.
I gave my contact information in magic marker (kids' event) because I thought that he was nice and that since our kids were friends, we could be friendly too. I'm also in the habit of handing out my business card when people ask for it and I didn't have it with me as it was a social event. But the immediate and constant onslaught of contact was simply too much.
My boundaries were feeling waaaayyy violated by the quick and heavy contact and the insistence on talking on the phone (twice requested on Sunday afternoon as I was preparing 3 kids for first day of school), the phone call, then the texting and asking about how the morning drop-off at first day of school went.
For one thing, my kids are the most important thing to me, and as such, I am probably overly protective about how much interest guys show in them - especially men I don't know well. It felt intrusive.
It was probably harmless, but in that 48 hours of multiple phone calls, texts and emails, I learned a few things about myself - one being that maybe I don't want to be so easily contacted.
Also that maybe I have issues with too much intimacy, too fast. I'm asking here because I'm trying to decide if that's a healthy boundary or an "I used to be married to an abusive alcoholic" irrational fear-thing.
I gave my contact information in magic marker (kids' event) because I thought that he was nice and that since our kids were friends, we could be friendly too. I'm also in the habit of handing out my business card when people ask for it and I didn't have it with me as it was a social event. But the immediate and constant onslaught of contact was simply too much.
My boundaries were feeling waaaayyy violated by the quick and heavy contact and the insistence on talking on the phone (twice requested on Sunday afternoon as I was preparing 3 kids for first day of school), the phone call, then the texting and asking about how the morning drop-off at first day of school went.
For one thing, my kids are the most important thing to me, and as such, I am probably overly protective about how much interest guys show in them - especially men I don't know well. It felt intrusive.
It was probably harmless, but in that 48 hours of multiple phone calls, texts and emails, I learned a few things about myself - one being that maybe I don't want to be so easily contacted.
Also that maybe I have issues with too much intimacy, too fast. I'm asking here because I'm trying to decide if that's a healthy boundary or an "I used to be married to an abusive alcoholic" irrational fear-thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
That explains a lot. He probably has very limited interactions with females in his daily/professional life. He saw you and was putty in your hands. Plus military guys tend to be more "goal oriented" and can come off as aggressive when they are interested in a woman.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
Some guys go on the "nothing ventured/nothing gained" pricipal. So, how he acted towards you is probably his basic MO. What's important is you recognized and stated that this was uncomfortable for you and he seems to have listened.
Personally, I always beware of anyone who "hooks" into me to fast or if they give me a "hooked in" feeling.
It sounds like your good at spotting what makes you uncomfortable.
Personally, I always beware of anyone who "hooks" into me to fast or if they give me a "hooked in" feeling.
It sounds like your good at spotting what makes you uncomfortable.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
I've had this happen a couple of times with dads at DD's school. They hardly ever see RAH around & I don't wear my wedding rings (those represent broken promises to me at this point, I'll wear new ones when/if we recommit officially) so I don't expect others to know my situation.
I've found it helpful to be clear up front that yes, I'm interested in getting THE KIDS together, DD would love a PLAYDATE, etc.
That volume of contact in such a short time from ANYONE I only spoke to for a short time would raise my eyebrows though.
I've found it helpful to be clear up front that yes, I'm interested in getting THE KIDS together, DD would love a PLAYDATE, etc.
That volume of contact in such a short time from ANYONE I only spoke to for a short time would raise my eyebrows though.
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