Need some insight/advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: arcadia, wi
Posts: 2
Need some insight/advice
This is kind long...
This is my first time posting and i could really use some insight to my problem. I have been livin g with my A b/f for about a year. I moved in here after he lost his job because of taking too many days off due to his drinking. For the first few months he was not drinking, mainly because he was not working and didn't have any money. However, when he started working again he had Fridays off, so while I was at work he would sit around all day and drink. At that time I sensed someting about him was different, but he always hid the empties so I did'nt know he had been drinking. This went on for about a month than one night after going to bed I woke up and caught him drinking. He does not drink every day, maybe only a few times a month. But when he is drinking it is like 30 beers in a 24 hour period. After about the first 12 or so he gets VERY obnoxious. He is a religous person and when drunk tells me I need to find god (which I have), that if I am not "born again" that I am going to hell etc.... basically I feel like he is judging me. I have learned that it is useless talking to him when he has been drinking.
A few months ago he while he was drunk he woke me and my 4 y/o son up at about 11pm from a sound sleep. Things got really ugly - and I ended up fleeing the house for my brother's because my son does not need to here when he is like that. My SIL said she would watch my son, and that I could stay there if needed, but I left him there and went home. He was passed out when I got home.
Since then he has been drunk a handful of times, he sometimes tries to hide it from me, but I can usually tell anyway. I have learned that when he has been drinking it is best to take my son to my brother's they will always watch him if I need them to. And I am grateful for that.
This past weekend - Saturday morning we got into a little disagreement because I like to spend about 1 hour after waking up (6am) on the computer he wanted to use it right after I got on and I said fine I guess I will go do laundry. It was a stupid disagreement. However, after I got back from the laundrymat, he tells me "you probably won't want to be here at 9:00. While I was gone he made the decision to go get beer at that time. So while he was gone I packed some clothes because I won't be around him anymore when he drinks. When re returned with his 18 pac I left for my brothers house. I stayed gone until about 7pm Sunday night. He had emailed me at about 4pm saying I could come home that he was not drinking. I didn't say anything to him when I came home.
Currently he is working nightshift so yesterday when I got home from work he is gone (yay). anyway he left me a 3 page letter saying how he feels like I have become distant (what does he expect?), how he wants to work it out and that he has felt that we are "supposed" to be together. My response to that letter was that I have totally had enough of the drinking, but I know that the drinking binges will contine to be an ongoing thin unless he does somethin about it like going to meetings and getting a sponsor. I also said that if he does not do that we have no future together, and the ball is ultimately in his court.
Today when I got hme from work he wrote me back that he is mad at me. He said I don't understand his struggle to stay sober, that he wants a partner who will join together to help himand that I don't encourage him to stay sober or congratulate him on the days he makes it through without drinking.
His last sentance was "when was the last time you consciously sought contact with your higher power, or thought about spritual principles?"
I am at a loss as how to respond to him. I know that in order for him to get & stay sober he needs to do it for himself, right? I feel like he is putting the responsibility of getting and staying sober on me. I would appreciate any input as I don't know what to do.
Like I said this is my first posting, however I have been coming here reading others' posting for about 2 months.
Patti
This is my first time posting and i could really use some insight to my problem. I have been livin g with my A b/f for about a year. I moved in here after he lost his job because of taking too many days off due to his drinking. For the first few months he was not drinking, mainly because he was not working and didn't have any money. However, when he started working again he had Fridays off, so while I was at work he would sit around all day and drink. At that time I sensed someting about him was different, but he always hid the empties so I did'nt know he had been drinking. This went on for about a month than one night after going to bed I woke up and caught him drinking. He does not drink every day, maybe only a few times a month. But when he is drinking it is like 30 beers in a 24 hour period. After about the first 12 or so he gets VERY obnoxious. He is a religous person and when drunk tells me I need to find god (which I have), that if I am not "born again" that I am going to hell etc.... basically I feel like he is judging me. I have learned that it is useless talking to him when he has been drinking.
A few months ago he while he was drunk he woke me and my 4 y/o son up at about 11pm from a sound sleep. Things got really ugly - and I ended up fleeing the house for my brother's because my son does not need to here when he is like that. My SIL said she would watch my son, and that I could stay there if needed, but I left him there and went home. He was passed out when I got home.
Since then he has been drunk a handful of times, he sometimes tries to hide it from me, but I can usually tell anyway. I have learned that when he has been drinking it is best to take my son to my brother's they will always watch him if I need them to. And I am grateful for that.
This past weekend - Saturday morning we got into a little disagreement because I like to spend about 1 hour after waking up (6am) on the computer he wanted to use it right after I got on and I said fine I guess I will go do laundry. It was a stupid disagreement. However, after I got back from the laundrymat, he tells me "you probably won't want to be here at 9:00. While I was gone he made the decision to go get beer at that time. So while he was gone I packed some clothes because I won't be around him anymore when he drinks. When re returned with his 18 pac I left for my brothers house. I stayed gone until about 7pm Sunday night. He had emailed me at about 4pm saying I could come home that he was not drinking. I didn't say anything to him when I came home.
Currently he is working nightshift so yesterday when I got home from work he is gone (yay). anyway he left me a 3 page letter saying how he feels like I have become distant (what does he expect?), how he wants to work it out and that he has felt that we are "supposed" to be together. My response to that letter was that I have totally had enough of the drinking, but I know that the drinking binges will contine to be an ongoing thin unless he does somethin about it like going to meetings and getting a sponsor. I also said that if he does not do that we have no future together, and the ball is ultimately in his court.
Today when I got hme from work he wrote me back that he is mad at me. He said I don't understand his struggle to stay sober, that he wants a partner who will join together to help himand that I don't encourage him to stay sober or congratulate him on the days he makes it through without drinking.
His last sentance was "when was the last time you consciously sought contact with your higher power, or thought about spritual principles?"
I am at a loss as how to respond to him. I know that in order for him to get & stay sober he needs to do it for himself, right? I feel like he is putting the responsibility of getting and staying sober on me. I would appreciate any input as I don't know what to do.
Like I said this is my first posting, however I have been coming here reading others' posting for about 2 months.
Patti
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Welcome, Sinatra.
You are correct in thinking that he is placing the responsibility on your shoulders. This is neither fair, nor is it right. However, it's not unusual. Do not accept responsibility for his sobriety because it doesn't belong to you. If you do, he'll start placing responsibility for his drinking onto your shoulders as well. It's a lot easier for someone with a drinking problem to blame others. If you give him an inch he'll take a darn mile.
You can't be expected to "join together" with him in a fight that is his own. You have yourself and your child to consider, and the only person you can fix is you. The only person he can fix is him.
Keep coming back - big HugZ to you, Patti.
Sandra
You are correct in thinking that he is placing the responsibility on your shoulders. This is neither fair, nor is it right. However, it's not unusual. Do not accept responsibility for his sobriety because it doesn't belong to you. If you do, he'll start placing responsibility for his drinking onto your shoulders as well. It's a lot easier for someone with a drinking problem to blame others. If you give him an inch he'll take a darn mile.
You can't be expected to "join together" with him in a fight that is his own. You have yourself and your child to consider, and the only person you can fix is you. The only person he can fix is him.
Keep coming back - big HugZ to you, Patti.
Sandra
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: arcadia, wi
Posts: 2
Bookworm,
Thank you for your response, I fell a lot better knowing that I am thinking right. I doubt that he will ever see that he needs to get better himself. Yes, he is placing a lot of the responsibility one me instead of accepting that it is his. I guess that I need to reiterate to him that he needs to help himself, and if he still feels the way he does I have no other choice but to get on with my life w/o him.
Patti
Thank you for your response, I fell a lot better knowing that I am thinking right. I doubt that he will ever see that he needs to get better himself. Yes, he is placing a lot of the responsibility one me instead of accepting that it is his. I guess that I need to reiterate to him that he needs to help himself, and if he still feels the way he does I have no other choice but to get on with my life w/o him.
Patti
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Patti,
Welcome. Have you thought about checking out some Al-Anon meetings? You can find them in your area by going to the Links and Resources forum and clicking on Al-Anon. Whether he gets sober or not, there is a lot you can do for yourself. Al-Anon gives us many tools to help us to let go of the responsibility of someone else, and take responsibility for our own serenity and happiness. Hope this forum is helpful. There aren't any easy answers, but there is help and support. You don't have to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic
Welcome. Have you thought about checking out some Al-Anon meetings? You can find them in your area by going to the Links and Resources forum and clicking on Al-Anon. Whether he gets sober or not, there is a lot you can do for yourself. Al-Anon gives us many tools to help us to let go of the responsibility of someone else, and take responsibility for our own serenity and happiness. Hope this forum is helpful. There aren't any easy answers, but there is help and support. You don't have to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
hI,
Yes you are right that he is trying to put the responsibility on you.
The other thing is I don't think you and your son need to be living in a revolving door situation that everytime he drinks you leave and then come back.
Is this what you want for yourself and your son?
Ngaire
Yes you are right that he is trying to put the responsibility on you.
The other thing is I don't think you and your son need to be living in a revolving door situation that everytime he drinks you leave and then come back.
Is this what you want for yourself and your son?
Ngaire
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
I guess from what you wrote, I didn't get the impression that the two of you had discussed whether he is trying to stay sober or not. Have you both talked about that goal?? Have you discussed what he thinks he needs from you or from anyone to accomplish this. Is he seeking any outside help?? AA? Reading? Church? Does he have someone he can talk to besides you?
I'm a bit confused. Yes if he is trying to stay sober, I am sure you would be supportive. But I guess he is trying when he wants to and when the mood strikes him instead of really trying to stay sober. That is how it appears to me anyway.
It seems to me, in my limited experience, that many A's change their ways after they have gotten in trouble or a tragedy like losing a job has befallen them. After some time has passed...they have forgotten all about the consequences and they are right back to drinking or drinking and driving, etc.
Huge hugs. I hope your husband doesn't do what my SO did and that was forbid me to discuss his drinking. It was the one topic that we couldn't touch. Hmmmmm...I never got that. I never nagged him. I just wanted to discuss this aspect of him as it affected me a great deal. I was trying to understand where he was coming from and what he was going through.
Take care
I'm a bit confused. Yes if he is trying to stay sober, I am sure you would be supportive. But I guess he is trying when he wants to and when the mood strikes him instead of really trying to stay sober. That is how it appears to me anyway.
It seems to me, in my limited experience, that many A's change their ways after they have gotten in trouble or a tragedy like losing a job has befallen them. After some time has passed...they have forgotten all about the consequences and they are right back to drinking or drinking and driving, etc.
Huge hugs. I hope your husband doesn't do what my SO did and that was forbid me to discuss his drinking. It was the one topic that we couldn't touch. Hmmmmm...I never got that. I never nagged him. I just wanted to discuss this aspect of him as it affected me a great deal. I was trying to understand where he was coming from and what he was going through.
Take care
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