WhoIsHe

Hello,

I am absolutely stunned (to say the least) after learning that my best friend, partner, and lover is caught up in crack cocaine. Not only that. It turns out that there is a woman who has been living with him, who is also a "crack addict" (his words). He took her in (homeless) before we started seeing one another. I have spent a lot of time with him in his apartment - for over a yr - and have never seen any traces of another woman! Apparently she would clear out when I came over.

My "whatever he is to me now" grew up across the street from me. We played together as kids, went to school together, even the same college. He had a very responsible job for most of his adult life, and was respected among his peers and coworkers. I had not seen him for many many years until just over a yr ago, when we had both moved back to our hometown. I knew his wife had divorced him but didn't know the details.

I found out 6 days ago, due to overhearing a phone call with his dealer. When I confronted him - lovingly - he told me the truth, at least his version of the truth. He told me he's giving it up and kicking out the woman. I also discovered that he is in debt, owes $$ to his dealer, and spends time in "the hood" with them. Another thing - he has early onset Parkinson's Disease. Because it's a dopamine-depleting illness, and cocaine is a dopamine rush, I wonder if that has something to do with it. I attributed his increasing spaciness to the Parkinson's.

I am heartsick and confused. I miss him a lot - and think about him almost constantly. It was a great relationship - no joke! However, I am steering clear of him - I have a major mental health issue that I have done well with for many yrs and will not jeopardize that.

Biggest Questions: How could I have been so deceived!?? How could he do this to me? For gods sake, now I have to get a full STD work up and hope my physical health has not been compromised!

Thank you for any feedback!

Inchworm

We addicts work real hard to keep secrets. It's not your fault that you were deceived. Hope you can find some peace of mind, Hearbroken.

CharlesG

im so sorry to hear this I hate how we can be sometimes and hope the best for your life :/
get yourself together and out of his presence

WhoIsHe

Thank you both for your kind words. I do have another question.

When someone is caught up in an addiction and leading a secret life, can they really love their partner/lover? Or does the love cease to exist? I am a whole heart lover and don't understand.

Coldfusion

I found I needed to control my addiction and end my secret life to be totally in love with my wife.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

Unfortunately addiction can be a very selfish thing, the addict focuses on the activities that facilitate their addiction, and that's when the truth can become blurred and stories are fabricated!!

In terms of love, I don't think there is a correlation one way or the other, love can cease amongst non addicts for various reasons!!

soberjuly

Be careful with giving him excuses.

These are major lies. Don't be naive, I say this as a woman who was married to huge liar and manipulator. He will only cause damage to your life, so walk and don't look back.

Also, something doesn't sit right with the whole he took in a homeless woman thing. He's broke right? He's a drug addict so any money he can get his hands on will go for more crack. The idea that he is generously helping someone out of the goodness of his heart, given his situation, just doesn't seem to fit.

I've never abused anything but alcohol but I have watched some shows about addicts and it seems a pattern that people work as a couple, and when they need drugs and don't have money, the woman is pimped out.

I just wouldn't cross anything off the table but, like I said, just walk. It's not your problem to solve.

Thank the powers that be that you never had a child with this man.

I also went through the holy geez I have to be tested for every STD out there scare, not fun!

Worst part? I stayed and proceeded to have 2 kids with him and now we are connected the rest of our lives. He is not an addict of any kind but he is a liar, manipulator, user, cheater. I still have to be on my toes with him as he tries to get away with what he can.

You know Scott Peterson? The guy who killed his pregnant wife? Very superficially charming and had a secret life with a girlfriend he was also lying to. Well, my ex-husband is like that.

You would think he is the nicest, most charming person while he scopes you out and decides what he can get out of you.

It was like being constantly blind-sighted with a feeling of I didn't see that coming...

Luckily, my husband is totally on his toes and doesn't let my ex get away with anything, because he still tries. I can't wait until my kids are 18 (in 4 and 6 years) at which point I really don't want contact anymore.

You are lucky, you can get out. Be more suspicious next time.

Can he love you? Sure, but he also loves hardcore drugs. He also lied to you about many things the past year. There are other fish in the sea.

I also think people like that find the kind and caring ones like you.

my1life

Hello - sorry you are dealing with a crack addict. I understand what you are experiencing as I was caught up with one for 3.5 years and it was horrible. Crack addicts are academy award winning liars, and that is why you did not see it. I never knew any addict until meeting the CA and had no idea - until he could no longer hide the truth. I will never know for sure, but I estimate he had been using cocaine in some form for over half his life. After several attempts to get him into rehab, I gave up and ran. My advice - run as fast as you can - you do not need the pain. My thoughts are with you.

They only love crack - that is all they think about. I am dead serious. You need to run and save your heart.

WhoIsHe

You guys are really helping me get a handle on this - thank you! I think almost all of the replies (again - thank you!!!) say to walk away/run and don't look back. I need to keep strong on that. The thing is, I am a strong person who has been through some big stuff. But I keep compulsively checking my emails, I want to email him with a "how could you do this to me/us?!"etc.

The thing is, I know HE knows how good we are together and how he really f'd up. How could he not apologize!? I can't help but distrust my own judgement. I can usually read people. But I guess I saw what I wanted to see and it was pretty damn good.

Anna

He could apologize, but I really doubt it would mean anything. And, I say that, because, as an alcoholic, I apologized to my husband numerous times about sneaking drinks, and didn't mean it. To be truly sorry, he would need to be a sober person.

I hope that you take care of yourself.

my1life

Keep reading. This is an excellent resource for you. It will provide many perspectives. There are a couple of people on here that have recovered from crack addiction. Read their posts, ask them questions - they will explain crack. It helped me tremendously.

Mountainmanbob

I mention that to ones around here occasionally
hopefully all will check out fine
and you will be more careful down the road

yes, these days especially dating ones, need to be very careful

MM

Ruby2

I'm sorry that you are going through this. My husband is a crack addict. The lies were the worst. I never knew what was true or not. If he is still using drugs no appeal in the world will change him. Asking him why or how he could do this to you is not going to get a straight answer. I'd let that one go.

Addicts can love people but they love getting high more than they love other people or themselves. Stick here for support. Have you checked the forum for friends and family of substance abusers? I found it helpful when I joined SR. Take care of yourself.

WhoIsHe

Thank you all for the encouragement and for giving me different perspectives. So glad I found SR. I'm ok, just up and down and all around. I still can't get beyond thinking - knowing? - that I know this man, and I'm trying to figure it out. I really think it could have started with his Parkinson's. It takes away dopamine and coke sends dopamine rushes. Confused and going to bed. Sending peace to all...

dSober

Easy. We are the most accomplished liars on the planet. We practice on ourselves.

Soberwolf

I hate ppl like this ! My mum was an alcoholic done many great years sevice in aa over 20 years

My dad until her death with cancer was drinking around her

He has titanium in his legs that hold them together

I tried being diplomatic but that's my mum and I can't begin to even fathom the number of ppl my mum has helped my mum will be dead 5 years this november and I still get people who I don't know but they know me through my mum and I swear every time it happens they tell me how my mum helped them to save Thier own lives

Ppl who drink around alcoholics saying I should be able to should have a conversation with me I'd calmly set them straight

Really sorry this is happening wishing you all the best for a positive outcome