TerpGal

I have Bipolar type 2 disorder. Also Panic Disorder, PTSD, and probably a touch of OCD. These all far predate AH. I first thought about killing myself when I was 9. It wasn't until my twenties that things got much, much worse. I spent a lot of college hypomanic when I think about it. Staying up all night on really stupid stuff like which fraternity would pair with my sorority for Greek Week (complete with detailed diagrams) or the total grandiose thinking that I was the hottest girl in the room and all eyes were on me.

Later on the bad depressions came. The elevated mood hypomanias were less and less. I tried to kill myself 4 times, each time wondering why in the world I had survived. When I would get out of the hospital I would have great intentions. Follow up with my shrink and therapist, really work on myself and try to find some semblance of feeling "normal" even happy.

AH would visit me every day during those long days on the psych ward. The worst of my depression came at the beginning of his drinking. I do not BLAME him for this. This was my own mental illness and a lot of time non compliance with meds.

What always started as grand designs fizzled. I think because I knew I was coming home to the same old crappy, even though I knew AH did care. Problem was he stopped caring aboutpretty much everything, and when I made these bold declarations about improving myself they rang hollow. All these years I was never good enough. I was unloveable (the whole if he loved me he would. . .) And not caring right along with him was a real easy trap to fall into.

I am not going to let myself lose it again. I am not sleeping very well, which I really should see if my shrink can get me in earlier cause not sleeping is a red flag for me. But now that he's going to be gone in rehab for 28 days, there will be no one to fall into the "I don't care" swamp with. I must really commit. I have been going to meetings and I find more and more hope each time. If I can't right this ship, well who knows. Alcoholism is a fatal disease. So is Bipolar to a lesser extent. People with bipolar have a staggeringly high suicide rate. I want to live, not survive. I have no more excuses. It has to start now.

CodeJob

Hello TerpGal,

I think you have a lot of insight here and I hope you remain focused on staying out of the "I don't care swamp." Great term. Focus on you. All the best,

Hammer

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Step #2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

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TerpGal

I believe I will get some sanity, but just like alcoholism, my mental cooties are not curable. They can only he managed. I can't say that I won't ever have another episode, that my medications might become ineffective somewhere down the line. I have no illusions that winter might be hard. The lack of naturalsunlight really screws with me. Hopefully my shrink has some ideas on that

Hammer

That is correct. It is likely for life. buuutttt. Here is the somewhat gooder part. When you get into the program, you may find that the life it is for is a whole lot better.

Have you read much of the Big Book yet? It is free on-line -- In the opening paragraph of the "How It Works" chapter, it even hits on Mental Illness aspect. These folks REALLY knew their business when they wrote it:

====================

How it works

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

=================

AA Chapter 5 How it works | AA | How it works|

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf

hopeful4

You have an amazing sense of self awareness and admittance of your issues, which is HUGE. Be proud of that, many with these issues live like they don't have an issue so it remains uncontrolled.

The ability to not cycle into the uncontrollable realm is in your capability. If a red flag like not sleeping is up, GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!! You deserve to take the best care you can of yourself to give yourself the best quality of life you can. That is what we all deserve in life.

Please take good care of YOU. Keep us updated, we care! You are not alone and I know you can do this.

Tight, Tight, Hugs!

NYCDoglvr

I applaud your bravery and strength and hope you can jump into self-care while he is in rehab. I've dealt with major depression most of my life so I know how painful life can be. A very big hug!