heartbrokenK

So our 10 year old has never had the best relationship with his dad and my AH. Lately my 10 yr old has been calling his dad out on drinking and per my husband "spying" on him. My AH blames me that I turned our son against him and that my son acts too much like me. I know being sick in codependency myself that is the last thing I want for my so . I have been trying so hard to change my attitude an have been going to alanon. I feel like a referee between my husband and son! I don't know what to do!

CodeJob

Hello Heartbroken,

For me, it was the DARE programming at school that got my DS calling out H who at the time was a smokin drinkin A.

Now 13, he still calls out RAH on the smoking, impatience and being a general idiot. It is alittle disconcerting to see our young teen have a pretty equal if not higher emotional maturity.

You can't snow kids.

biminiblue

Why don't you take the kids to AlAnon?

No reason you can't admit that there is a better way.

heartbrokenK

I have talked to him about my way of handling not being the best way. I've given him alateen literature and am looking into alateen.

Rosiepetal

Last week I took my 2 daughters aged 10 & 13 to see a motivational speaker for teens. It was free & I thought it worth it if they come away learning anything new.
When we left I asked my children if they learnt anything.
My 13 year old, not really as she has education at school now.
The 10 year old spoke up & said "yes I learnt something, not to ever take drugs or alcohol".
Sometimes it is good for kids to hear these things from people other than ourselves.

SeriousKarma

I started taking my 17year old daughter to Alanon when she was 14. It's done her a world of good, and me as well. By that I mean, ME taking HER did ME good.

We say it all the time, this is a family disease. She and I made a decision together, as a family, that we weren't going to let his illness beat us. But, I've found some challenging, and surprising hurdles along the way. Although she is in many ways my partner in recovery, I still have to remember that her recovery is her's and mine is mine. As a daughter she processes her dad's issues differently than I do as his STBXW. Sometimes I find myself unloading cr*p on her about her dad that she doesn't really want to hear. At 17 she's gotten pretty good at letting me know when I'm going too far, but I do have to be careful.

Somewhere along the way, with the help of Alanon, I realized that at some point she will have an adult relationship with him. And that I will, very likely, play only a limited role in that relationship. I'm trying to back away as best I can now and let them figure out what kind of relationship that will be. It's hard. I'm much better now than I used to be. Muuuuuuuuuuch better.

Please be gentle with yourself. We're all flying blind here, just trying to figure it out as best we can. Keep reaching out for support. My daughter has also attended some Alateen events. (They're farther away, so she can't go regularly.) She had a fantastic time, and met a lot of kids that she instantly bonded with.

NWGRITS

The kids are being ruined in the alcoholic environment. It'll take decades to undo the damage, but that's if they seek out the tools to do so. You can get a jump by taking them as soon as they're old enough to attend. Don't fail them by not doing everything you can to get them help. Don't let them become one of us over in the ACoA forum. Wanna see what having an alcoholic parent does to kids? Come visit us sometime.

SeriousKarma

I think the best thing we can do for our kids is show them that we're not afraid to get help for ourselves.

FireSprite

I completely agree - I can't expect her to show humility if I don't demonstrate it. If I want DD to own her mistakes & admit them, I can't be afraid to apologize for my own. I show her how to handle recovery by walking my talk.

So when we walked into the house one afternoon when RAH had been out of work for a few days & were greeted with a sink still full of dirty dishes from the night before & she immediately snarked.... "Well, you'd THINK he'd be able to find time to do the dishes, at least, wouldn't you??" ... I couldn't help but flinch, ouch. That's alllllll me. That's MY judgment & dysfunction spilling over onto her & coming out of her mouth.

It was a completely unfair statement on top of it. She had no clue about the things that were taking his time, but she felt that she was defending ME because I'm the one that rants & raves about not getting enough help around the house. I had to take a giant step back & change the way I talk in front of her sometimes OR at least explain myself better when I couldn't control my own tantrums.

IMO you definitely want to stay as honest & true with the kids as much as you possibly can - there is nothing more confusing than the Codie parent also lying & stretching truths "to protect you". Their instincts are telling them something is wrong - if we keep pretending that things are really OK, they learn to ignore those gut tugs & start misinterpreting what they know to be true. A 10-yr old can handle much more than a 3-yr old, so as the kids age the conversations can grow with more age-appropriateness.

heartbrokenK

I'm trying. My husband is in denial that his alcohol has affected our son at all and is always blaming me. My son told me in the car today he feels his dad loves alcohol more than his family and man that stung. I tried to explain to him that he's not drinking at us but just drinking. My son still won't talk to his dad and asks me why we stay! I'm praying for guidance to do the right things in our life. It just sucks!

Carlotta

Growing up in Europe some years ago, children did not call adults out but I remember ratting out my dad to my grandma (she would pour the bottles down the drain when she visited) or when my mother was on my case and being abusive, I would mention the hidden empty 12 pack in the garage.
It always worked wonders; deflecting her attention from me. She would get started on my dad and leave me alone.
I was manipulative and definitely codependent at 10. Your son is lucky that you are in recovery and that you can see it in him and get him appropriate help.

SeriousKarma

My experience was almost this verbatim. My daughter barely spoke to her dad for two years straight. As soon as he would walk in the house she would head upstairs to her bedroom.

During that time I lamented about this to an old friend (a normie) that I hadn't spoken to in a while, and she rather bluntly said, "Why would she want to talk to her dad? He's being an @ss. She shouldn't talk to him."

My friend saw so clearly what I had been overcomplicating. Yes, he's not drinking "at" your son, but he is choosing drinking "over" your son, and your son knows that. There may be other things, along with the drinking, that play into your sons attitude. My daughter was growing increasingly irritated by her father's need to pretend to be the perfect dad while all the time making completely selfish choices. His hypocrisy probably upset her more than his drinking.

She's learning to accept him as he is, and accept that he loves her to the best of his ability. She's sometimes able to enjoy short periods of time with him every few weeks. (By short I mean under an hour). I honestly don't know what would have happened if we'd have stayed together. I think I'd have gone looney being in a house with the two of them. It's a hard place to be. So when you say those prayers for guidance remember to say a few prayers for your sanity as well. ((((((( hugs ))))))))