Like a boss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Like a boss
For the longest time I've neglected my mental issues, I treated voices, delusional thought and anxiety with alcohol. Tomorrow morning its over, I am owning this moment like a boss.
No more fear, no more making excuses for weird behavior, no more drunken nights or weekends. Sincerely, I am going to own this situation, as the cliche goes I am sick and tired of being sick sick and tired.
Sunday now, my plans our laid out, I cleaned the house, did what I could do to prepare my family should I be committed, and know exactly what I am going to tell them tomorrow and execute this plan like I am a boss.
I've always grappled with the stigma of mental illness, alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction. Yes itself, its the unholy trifectcta of addiction and the quatrofecta of abuse, loneliness, grief, dispear, and anguish.
So with my new honesty kick and wanting help, I am going to briefly explain what mental illness is like, what anxiety is like and the mind process. Not so long ago I was walking to work, and then out of the blue a voice told me as I was walking to work across a vacant lot, " the answer lies within this field". I looked left, I looked right, nobody was there, just me the sun, an empty field and a cold calm breeze.
As I proceed across that field and I was told " the answer is here, the answer to all your problems is here" " look for it" the sweat started to pour my senses were heightened, I kept looking for the source. There was no source, I thought to myself you're losing it..... You have a wife and family, just get to work and hopefully they will go away.
I continued, daunted but dejected, the voices got louder, "don't you want the answer?".... Ahh go away I thought, the answer is at work, I need money ( yes at that time I was talking to them). They called my name, " Jeremy we have the answer its here, you can find it" by this time I was starting to hyperventilate. Something that I did not know, or see, knew my name and was talking to me!!! I was paralyzed in the moment, I slowly sat down ( pondering if I wanted the answer at that time) I was slowly growing delusional and becoming lost in the moment. A part of me knew it wasn't real, a part of me wanted to believe it was real and that now at that moment the answers lied within that field.
That morning, I fell to my knees, sat on the ground, and luckily after around 30 minutes of debating what was going on, I dusted myself off, said to myself " that wasn't real you're going to be ok" and proceeded to work covered in sweat, fearful for my wife and family and confused.
At first, those sorts of things were an uncommon experience, and on some level I could never make it go away, but I could care less if I treated it with alcohol.
In my selfishness before, and wanting to have control, I acted on here as if I was in control, as if I did have the answer. One person told me I sound like a bad rendition of the " Ted Talks" I don't have any answers right now, I am just barely sober over a month. What I do know, is I am going to own up to whats going on, the lies are going to stop, and tomorrow morning I am gong to open myself up to what is going on and except any and all advice I receive.
I do want to say I am no longer afraid of the stigma of alcoholism or mental issues, I am going to own tomorrow like a boss. I am going to get better, live in the day, and move forward.
Well, I don't have all the answers, but I do have this answer. I've accepted I need help, I've accepted I've lost control, I don't know how I got where I am and can't honestly say whats going on, but I do know that alcohol and addiction is a main stay in my life, and I want and need help.
If you want and need help or support, find that help and support, I am scared out of my mind right now, I did want to give perceptive on mental issues and how it feels and what happens in those moments hence my story. Going to do good by me, you do good by you, you aren't alone, nothing and I mean nothing is beyond getting help, ignore the stigma I am going too. I firmly believe everyone has place and purpose, thought I am not religious, you matter I matter lets matter together, I hope my new found honesty helps just one of you. For now, have a good Sunday, and again be good to yourself and find the answers that work for you.
No more fear, no more making excuses for weird behavior, no more drunken nights or weekends. Sincerely, I am going to own this situation, as the cliche goes I am sick and tired of being sick sick and tired.
Sunday now, my plans our laid out, I cleaned the house, did what I could do to prepare my family should I be committed, and know exactly what I am going to tell them tomorrow and execute this plan like I am a boss.
I've always grappled with the stigma of mental illness, alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction. Yes itself, its the unholy trifectcta of addiction and the quatrofecta of abuse, loneliness, grief, dispear, and anguish.
So with my new honesty kick and wanting help, I am going to briefly explain what mental illness is like, what anxiety is like and the mind process. Not so long ago I was walking to work, and then out of the blue a voice told me as I was walking to work across a vacant lot, " the answer lies within this field". I looked left, I looked right, nobody was there, just me the sun, an empty field and a cold calm breeze.
As I proceed across that field and I was told " the answer is here, the answer to all your problems is here" " look for it" the sweat started to pour my senses were heightened, I kept looking for the source. There was no source, I thought to myself you're losing it..... You have a wife and family, just get to work and hopefully they will go away.
I continued, daunted but dejected, the voices got louder, "don't you want the answer?".... Ahh go away I thought, the answer is at work, I need money ( yes at that time I was talking to them). They called my name, " Jeremy we have the answer its here, you can find it" by this time I was starting to hyperventilate. Something that I did not know, or see, knew my name and was talking to me!!! I was paralyzed in the moment, I slowly sat down ( pondering if I wanted the answer at that time) I was slowly growing delusional and becoming lost in the moment. A part of me knew it wasn't real, a part of me wanted to believe it was real and that now at that moment the answers lied within that field.
That morning, I fell to my knees, sat on the ground, and luckily after around 30 minutes of debating what was going on, I dusted myself off, said to myself " that wasn't real you're going to be ok" and proceeded to work covered in sweat, fearful for my wife and family and confused.
At first, those sorts of things were an uncommon experience, and on some level I could never make it go away, but I could care less if I treated it with alcohol.
In my selfishness before, and wanting to have control, I acted on here as if I was in control, as if I did have the answer. One person told me I sound like a bad rendition of the " Ted Talks" I don't have any answers right now, I am just barely sober over a month. What I do know, is I am going to own up to whats going on, the lies are going to stop, and tomorrow morning I am gong to open myself up to what is going on and except any and all advice I receive.
I do want to say I am no longer afraid of the stigma of alcoholism or mental issues, I am going to own tomorrow like a boss. I am going to get better, live in the day, and move forward.
Well, I don't have all the answers, but I do have this answer. I've accepted I need help, I've accepted I've lost control, I don't know how I got where I am and can't honestly say whats going on, but I do know that alcohol and addiction is a main stay in my life, and I want and need help.
If you want and need help or support, find that help and support, I am scared out of my mind right now, I did want to give perceptive on mental issues and how it feels and what happens in those moments hence my story. Going to do good by me, you do good by you, you aren't alone, nothing and I mean nothing is beyond getting help, ignore the stigma I am going too. I firmly believe everyone has place and purpose, thought I am not religious, you matter I matter lets matter together, I hope my new found honesty helps just one of you. For now, have a good Sunday, and again be good to yourself and find the answers that work for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 20
Hi Jeremy,
that was a very brave and honest post, thank you.
You sound really worried, and I'm not surprised. I agree that you definitely need support ASAP. I used to work on psych wards and what you're describing here could possibly be drug/ alcohol induced psychosis, amongst other things.
Have you ever discussed any of this with a Dr? what you're describing here is obviously frightening for you and you shouldn't go through it by yourself. There are services available for you. You just need to reach out. I'm not sure how you feel about medication, but if I had a choice between a mental illness that caused delusions/ hallucinations and medication, I would choose meds.
I've supported people in the past who experienced auditory hallucinations that told them to hurt themselves, I'd hate for that to end up being you.
Don't let this go unchecked. Get yourself some support.
Take care
that was a very brave and honest post, thank you.
You sound really worried, and I'm not surprised. I agree that you definitely need support ASAP. I used to work on psych wards and what you're describing here could possibly be drug/ alcohol induced psychosis, amongst other things.
Have you ever discussed any of this with a Dr? what you're describing here is obviously frightening for you and you shouldn't go through it by yourself. There are services available for you. You just need to reach out. I'm not sure how you feel about medication, but if I had a choice between a mental illness that caused delusions/ hallucinations and medication, I would choose meds.
I've supported people in the past who experienced auditory hallucinations that told them to hurt themselves, I'd hate for that to end up being you.
Don't let this go unchecked. Get yourself some support.
Take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Tinyowl, my biological mother ( I was adopted and had the best mother ever) was schizophrenic, and many in that blood line had many mental issues. I am going to to get help, not sure if its alcohol related psychosis, drug related psychosis, or just mental illness. What I do know is the time for help is now, the moment of understanding I don't have control, I don't have the answers is now. I was and will remain brutally honest because I want to help others, and I think many are afraid. I don't think they should be afraid, thank you kindly for your response, and going to get help tomorrow, and just sit down and listen.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Hey my friend, great post and very courageous and full of honesty.
You came a long way since your first posts. I am impressed.
Glad you are willing to get help. I never heard voices myself but can imagine how it must be horrible. Have the voices left now that you are sober? No need to answer if you are not comfortable. But if they are still there, I would see a doctor. Just to be safe.
Keep trucking and keep us posted. PM me anytime if you need one on one help.
All the best, onwards and upwards!
You came a long way since your first posts. I am impressed.
Glad you are willing to get help. I never heard voices myself but can imagine how it must be horrible. Have the voices left now that you are sober? No need to answer if you are not comfortable. But if they are still there, I would see a doctor. Just to be safe.
Keep trucking and keep us posted. PM me anytime if you need one on one help.
All the best, onwards and upwards!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 20
Hi again Jeremy,
I did suspect but didn't want to bring schizophrenia up for fear of worrying you further. I'm so relieved to hear that you're going to seek help tomorrow, that's great news. I'd like to hear how things go for you.
It's been a while since I studied/ worked around people with schizophrenia but the faster you get onto it, the better. It can make people really, really poorly. Especially if you end up having a full blown episode. You can't hide these things away.
The fact that you were able to tell that what you were experiencing whilst hallucinating was not 'right' (i.e you had insight) is a good sign, though.
Please, if you can refrain from drinking and drugs, do it. It's only going to make whatever this is worse. Be it psychosis caused by booze and drugs, or schizophrenia, or something else. You won't know for sure until you've had an evaluation.
If you feel stuck at any point I'd be happy to chat to you/ provide support.
Take care
I did suspect but didn't want to bring schizophrenia up for fear of worrying you further. I'm so relieved to hear that you're going to seek help tomorrow, that's great news. I'd like to hear how things go for you.
It's been a while since I studied/ worked around people with schizophrenia but the faster you get onto it, the better. It can make people really, really poorly. Especially if you end up having a full blown episode. You can't hide these things away.
The fact that you were able to tell that what you were experiencing whilst hallucinating was not 'right' (i.e you had insight) is a good sign, though.
Please, if you can refrain from drinking and drugs, do it. It's only going to make whatever this is worse. Be it psychosis caused by booze and drugs, or schizophrenia, or something else. You won't know for sure until you've had an evaluation.
If you feel stuck at any point I'd be happy to chat to you/ provide support.
Take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Delusional deluded in thought, crazy if you would! Yep I can own that, but, I am coming out behind the mental illness, I denying the denyer, this crazy delusional man, is coming honest and want everyone to know, own this moment it isn't the end. Tomorrow isn't my end, its my beginning, your begging starts when you put down the drink, your beginning starts when you own up to what is that you are experiencing.
Damn right its sucks, hell ya your might be lost, oh @#$# you might think you can, you might be on the end of your rope, you might feel like the world doesn't care. Well brother, sister, 2#$#4 those feelings, I am one to use expletives in my life, and won't hide behind proper speech to make a point. It isn't about the the rhetoric, its about you, and what you can do to get better. TDG, is going to get on with life, is scared to death, but wants everyone to know they can, will, and are capable of becoming what they want to become, and fear not, we aren't alone. Good day folks, you matter! Let life happen, let yourself be vulnerable, let yourself live the life you ought to be. TDG here, from Neverland, but please stay safe and sober friends and seek the help you need. Thanks to all that responded, today, I live, tomorrow I live, from now on I live and release the lies distrust and and fear... SR friends thank you kindly
Damn right its sucks, hell ya your might be lost, oh @#$# you might think you can, you might be on the end of your rope, you might feel like the world doesn't care. Well brother, sister, 2#$#4 those feelings, I am one to use expletives in my life, and won't hide behind proper speech to make a point. It isn't about the the rhetoric, its about you, and what you can do to get better. TDG, is going to get on with life, is scared to death, but wants everyone to know they can, will, and are capable of becoming what they want to become, and fear not, we aren't alone. Good day folks, you matter! Let life happen, let yourself be vulnerable, let yourself live the life you ought to be. TDG here, from Neverland, but please stay safe and sober friends and seek the help you need. Thanks to all that responded, today, I live, tomorrow I live, from now on I live and release the lies distrust and and fear... SR friends thank you kindly
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,177
Love the attitude and strategy!
I once had a position working with small business owners and trying to help them increase their revenue.
Nearly every owner complained that their business was down year over year- and blamed the economy. None had a concrete plan to grow. They were simply "hoping" that their fortunes would improve with the economy.
The challenge was to get them to recognize that "Hope" is not a strategy.
Seems like you've identified a solid plan. Many will be thinking of you tomorrow!
I once had a position working with small business owners and trying to help them increase their revenue.
Nearly every owner complained that their business was down year over year- and blamed the economy. None had a concrete plan to grow. They were simply "hoping" that their fortunes would improve with the economy.
The challenge was to get them to recognize that "Hope" is not a strategy.
Seems like you've identified a solid plan. Many will be thinking of you tomorrow!
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