philly76

Despite the headline, I'm not speaking exclusively to gay guys, just about the gay community. So whoever you are, I sincerely appreciate your feedback.

I'm 38 now, so I came out over two decades ago and I have a firm grip on the gay community. And sadly it seems that if you're not regularly attending something that culminates in alcohol, you're in AA. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.

As for me, I think I've pushed myself well into alcoholism whether I was destined for it or not. My friends drink so I drink. The bar is our community center. I didn't want it that way, but that's where I landed.

But I think part of my crutch stems from what's become of the gay community. For a group of people who once championed the mantra, "be the freak you are," it's become "be who you are, as long as you drink."

At this point, I have absolutely no one who is willing to recognize the true addiction I'm dealing with, let alone my frustrations with my own community that continue to enable it.

I'm at the point now that I just want friends - gay, straight, male, female, blue, orange - that get it. I'm not trying to replace one crutch with the crutch of friendship, but we all need people who understand us.

I just want to meet one person who understands where I'm coming from. I don't want to come across as a self-loathing gay. I never asked to be part of a community. But now it seems I need one.

DoubleFelix

Philly76 - I'm a queer transman in my twenties, and have given the booze and LGBTQ connection a fair amount of thought, as it does seem to be pretty striking all over the US. I think a lot of it has to do with our history - bars were some of the first public places we could gather and be ourselves. It also makes sense that so many of us drink - I know a lot of my drinking is rooted in my struggles with identity, community, and erasure.

I am sorry to hear of your struggles to find community where you are. Do you have any ideas on places or activities where you could start making new friends?

Jtf7

I don't know if this is strictly a gay issue. It seems like those of us who aren't in committed relationships, rely on our bar "friends" for a social life. The "couples network" tends to do things outside of heading to bars an and drinking all night.

Not sure how to find away around this. I have buddies that I would go out with in the evening, but since I'm committed to a sober life, I don't see the point of hanging out at pubs with them. I can drink a coke, but after a while I'll just leave early, or feel compelled to have just one...

Sometimes I think it would be cool to be Arab/Muslim, because they congregate at tea houses and sip those drinks while they hang out with their buds.

Raider

Philly, I understand where you are coming from. You aren't alone. I'm here. Blessings

Nuudawn

I am neither gay nor male...but couldn't agree with the above statement more. I don't think friendship should ever be deemed a crutch. I think you hit the nail on the head..we all need folks who understand us, who we relate with...who we can connect with.

I think addiction/alcoholism is basically a disease or affliction of disconnection..disconnection from our own selves..and true genuine authentic honest (and yes, vulnerable) connection with others.

For me, my journey of sobriety is very much about learning how to authentically connect with others..and myself. Drinking was very much about hiding and isolation for me..even in a room of people.

Buggirl

My spell 'on the scene' didn't help my drinking habits and I know what you are getting at here. I do think however that socialising wether it be gay or straight places, all expect you you be a drinker.

sthlondonab

Hey.

Keep posting. You are not alone.

My worst behaviour and where this thing really got hold of me was on the London scene. Struggles with my identity and 'needing' to drink to speak to other guys was when I really ramped up my drinking around 10 years ago.

I get you on the middle ground, but for me trying the middle ground and doing it alone is a dangerous game and has always led back to the bars and drinking alone. So this time for me I am throwing myself 100% at AA.

There's a great community here on SR as you figure a way through this

mecanix

Hey Philly ,
glad to have you here . Gay community here in the UK is quite bar/ pub / club focused .
I checked outta that scene years ago , i kinda use the internet to chat to a few friends have a profile on a few sites and get to know people that way , slowly . More writing than pictures ....

Certainly for me i try hard not to be biased against heterosexuals and am accepting of them as friends too LoL

Getting older , having had a few friends and exes die more often than not i'm just happy to wake up in the morning healthyish and sober .

Work on making you life glorious and i'm sure other glorious people will be attracted into your world .

Bestwishes, m

SoberComposer

I identify with that strongly.

CuteNGayYay

Great post. I definitely identify with everything you said here near good old West Hollywood, CA.
"I'm at the point now that I just want friends - gay, straight, male, female, blue, orange - that get it."

MythOfSisyphus

Man, don't think friendship is a crutch! People aren't meant to be "lone wolves", we're a social species. I don't think the issue is confined to the LGBT community at all. It seems like a lot of community and social identity revolves around drinking and to a lesser degree drug use. It's really hard. Most of my life has been spend as a chef working in restaurants and bar/grills. I know virtually no one save my mom that doesn't drink. The only exceptions are people like me that quit.

I don't really know what the answer is. I'm blessed/cursed with a personality type that seems to require minimal social interaction. The idea of people, that's something I love. But I can't deal with being around people all the time. In fact, I get 90% of the social interaction I want just by working. Rest of the time I'd generally prefer to be left to solitary pursuits.

But I do have some social life that's based on some very specific hobbies that I have. If you like to work out, mountain bike, fish, go to concerts and theatre, etc those are some ready made chances to socialize. Admittedly lots of people use those activities as a chance to drink, too.

MichaelJo

I am straight. But, I am from Brighton. So know the Gay community well. I find that most events here revolve around drinking and drugs. Well, the ones I have been too. So it must be harder to be accepted without those things in your life.

Weasel1966

Philly, welcome to SR. Welcome to the world.

I grew up in gay bars. Starting in the early 80s in NYC. Trust me that was not a scene of community centers. But I checked out of that quickly as I saw that was not for me. Later in years when I moved to a smaller state the bars were community centers. The late 90s. And yes drinking and drugging took hold strong for me and my inner circle. We were all lost.

But I also moved away from gay bars and hung more in straight bars. Gay bars can be a meat rack and I was done with what I had seen. So I have intimate experience with both "sides". I can assure you that being gay and being in gay bars has no bigger or smaller influence to make someone drink. They are BARS. People who drink go to them. Much like people who go to barbers. They tend to get haircuts.

Alcoholism is an equalizer of sorts. Gay or straight. Good upbringing or bad. Once drinking and drugging takes hold we all need to deal with it the same. Everywhere we go there will be drinking. I had to get rid of all my friends... Gay and straight to stop.

Take away orientation for a moment. It's who you choose to surround yourself with now and going forward that will be a big influence on your ability to stay sober.

I restarted life after a really bad domestic assault. I now live alone back in the place where addiction took hold. The community center is still there but now if I pass and see the same old gays hanging out front I might stop to say hello. I don't go in. some they stopped. Sober. And still go there for that friendship. Not me. Others will never stop.

Getting sober is a solitary event. It's personal and of value most to you. Staying sober is a team event. Being around like minded folks that all want more from life.

SR is that place for me. Take a look at the LBGT section. Lots of good reads.

Feel free to IM me should you need to talk.

It is absolutely possible to be sober and gay at the same time.

Ken

letitgo

Great post. Its sad the gay community gets a bad rap for drinking and drug use when its just as prominent in the straight community. We have gay pride parades in Chicago but like every other event (any parade, event, or celebration ( gay or straight) turns out to be a drunk show). tV shows like queer as folk tried to show that dangerous side of drug/alc. use in the community.
Unfortunately due to the persecution of people they turn to drugs and alcohol to feel more comfortable or to mask there feelings. Its a world epidemic addiction. Doesn't matter your race, religion, gender or sexuality.
I am sure they have gay support groups for AA and other topics like being coming out. You could also go to any regular AA or other support groups just to find sober people to connect with. I would try to get a new crowd until you are ready to go back out sober. If you have been partying for a while it will take you a long time to be with your crowd as a non drinker. Find some new friends that are sober. Maybe just go out to the sober events like seeing a movie or a show. As a straight man I fight the same battles. A lot of my friends drink a ton. When we hang out we drink. I have hung out a few times but only to the extent I could control my sobriety. If I got into a situation I knew would be too intense I would change plans or cancel.
I wish you the best.

Tamerua

I agree with you. I'm a lesbian and when I first came out, I didn't drink but the only place to meet other lesbians was at the bar. Or in college, there was a gay alliance and we went to (drum roll) the bar! Lol. I think though that I sought out other gays to find that I wasn't alone and to be a part of a community.

At the end of my drinking, I dropped all of my friends because I had made an ass out of myself so many times, I isolated and drank at home. I'm now making new friends. And it is through AA. My home group is gay but I also attend other meetings and have friends there. I also started to take dance lessons and Zumba and have met people there. My community has changed quite a bit.

PurpleKnight

You'll not be short of plenty of people who understand here on SR!!

RevivingOphelia

Try Meetup.com and search gay-related activities and clubs. There are quite a few to choose from; I typed in *gay* in the search bar within 25km of Philly and there is a nice number of different LGBT gropus!. Good luck and way to go on searching for some non-booze related community!

dwtbd

Drinking didnt really affect my misanthropy or visa versa. Sobriety has introduced me to a new 'community' , the good folk here

Rosie88

Hey philly! Although I'm not gay nor a man, I understand where you're coming from. I live in Chicago and had submersed myself into the gay culture. Drinking is huge here. It does seem to revolve around drinking unfortunately... From what I've seen. I have many gay friends that mean the world to me but they are all very heavy drinkers as well. So unfortunately, I did have to distance myself from them along with all my other drinking buddies.

I did meet one older gay gentleman that was a recovering alcoholic. I don't speak to him anymore as he was a casual acquaintance... Actually a bartender in my favorite pub. He must have been sober for a while to withstand being around that!

Anyways, I agree it's hard wired in the community, at least in Chicago. But not necessarily exclusive to the LGBTQ community. It's like that for the ravers (or whatever they like to be called) as well. I worked in the restaurant industry for 8 years, and boy, we were all heavy drinkers. It created the illusion that my drinking wasn't a problem!

I did eventually quit that job in March but **% of my 'friends' I met through work, gay or straight.

I even remember weekly gathers at a gay bar to watch American Horror Story and Rupaul's Drag Race. Those were the worst because I loved those shows but never could fully comprehend what was happening because we'd arrive early and get drunk beforehand. No more watching my favorite shows at bars.

No one ever acknowledged my drinking problem. Even when I expressed my thoughts that I drank to much! They would jokingly say , "please, if you're drinking to much half of Chicago are alcoholics!!" Didn't make me feel better, just helped me continue to be in denial.

Goodness, I've said a lot and not a word of advice. I guess, I don't really have that much advice right now seeing as I'm only 19 days into sobriety.

I guess I just wanted to say that I understand. Hang in there! I think friendships will arise out of the strangest circumstances. Eventually they will happen.

One thing I was pondering, maybe I would try some classes at my gym. Those may be a good way to get friends who are interested in fitness as I am.

Who knows. I guess, for the time being, please come here and talk to us all! It's definitely not a substitute for friends where you live but it's still productive social interaction.

We are all here for you and each other!

:-)

philly76

Wow, amazing responses, all of them!

I've actually gotten involved volunteering in the park and the Independence Historic District. The late night events especially have been the best. They wear me out and send me home ready for sleep.

I've also started going to the gym a lot. I'll be honest, I still drink. But some nights when I'm he11 bent on not drinking I'll stay at the gym until 10PM. If I need an alternative crutch, it can't get better than that.

I'm also studying to be a personal trainer, which I mentioned on another tread. Like I said there, I understand that most people don't want an alcoholic trainer but the exam date has provided a nice deadline or goal, and I'm not even sure I'll pursue it as a career in the end. But a lot of what I'm learning is actually helping. There is more psychology and behavior modification covered in the study that I didn't expect, and the various stages of taking control of your physical heath really parallel the stages of addressing alcohol dependence.

As for the gay community, I guess I'm taking it in stride and addressing it much in the way I'm addressing my alcohol abuse. I'm just trying to simplify, trying to get back to where I was when I came out, when being gay was incidental. Friends are friends, gay or straight, and like so many of you said, friends aren't a crutch. I'm trying to find people in any community who simply get it, and get that you can have a fulfilling life that you actually remember the next morning.

I'm slowly finding some of them at the gym and through volunteering, and although they might not understand my relationship with alcohol, it puts me in a place that reminds me of the person I was before alcohol ran my evenings and gay bars ran my social life.

Anyway, thank you all for so much support.