Wanting a Better Life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Wanting a Better Life
Hi,
I've been looking around for a few days reading posts. I've found them to be exactly what I needed to hear as I struggle to Shake the dragon.
I've been an addict to opiate painkillers for about 4 years. I've taken some time off work to taper and get clean. It has been gruelling. The physical pain isn't even the worst of it for me... don't get me wrong, the first week was hellish, but it's the malaise, ennui, depression, and hopelessness that I'm finding the most difficult. I managed to go 48 hours without a pill, but caved and took 2.5 mgs this afternoon. I still have two weeks before I go back, and I have my husband's support and help. We are doing this together. I'm reluctant to talk to my doctor or join a group as I'm afraid of the stigma. I'm ashamed of my addiction and what it has done to my life. I've managed to "function" and have been lucky in avoiding any serious trouble.
The only person who knows about my problem is my husband and I'd prefer to keep it that way. I hit my rock bottom a few weeks ago after a nasty and frightening fight followed by an emotional breakdown. Once the air cleared, I told him I needed help. I've always been one to handle my own problems and have difficulty asking for help. To be honest, I also struggle with admitting that I have a problem. I always thought I had things under control, but clearly I don't. The drug controls me.
I've been convinced I needed the drugs to function. For the last few months, I've not taken them to get high, only to stave off withdrawals and keep myself afloat. I believed I needed the help to get up in the morning, to go to work, and to get thorough these long nights. Those are just excuses. I do have anxiety and mild depression, which seems to be relieved by the opiates at times,or worsened by them. I have a rx for xanax, but having gone through a benzo kick, I take them ONLY when I'm having a panic attack. Since I started weaning from opiates, I have been riddled with anxiety. I took one xanax and got violently ill and had the worst headache hangover the next day. I'd like to avoid using the xanax as a crutch to get me through this, but I don't know how else to quiet my mind. Netflix Binge watching is all I can do to distract myself and apart from thrashing around in bed because my veins feel like their full of battery acid and my legs ache like they've been pummeled by a boxer. Ugh... please, please, please, whatever powers that may be, don't ever let me call off the wagon again to have to do this again.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for all of your posts and insights that you've shared here. It's good to know that I'm not alone. I'm determined to beat this thing once and for all.
Other than seeing a doctor or a psychiatrist, what advice do you have about getting through this depression? It feels like it's never going to end, and it is that very fear that has led me to relapse in the past.
-OpiHATE
I've been looking around for a few days reading posts. I've found them to be exactly what I needed to hear as I struggle to Shake the dragon.
I've been an addict to opiate painkillers for about 4 years. I've taken some time off work to taper and get clean. It has been gruelling. The physical pain isn't even the worst of it for me... don't get me wrong, the first week was hellish, but it's the malaise, ennui, depression, and hopelessness that I'm finding the most difficult. I managed to go 48 hours without a pill, but caved and took 2.5 mgs this afternoon. I still have two weeks before I go back, and I have my husband's support and help. We are doing this together. I'm reluctant to talk to my doctor or join a group as I'm afraid of the stigma. I'm ashamed of my addiction and what it has done to my life. I've managed to "function" and have been lucky in avoiding any serious trouble.
The only person who knows about my problem is my husband and I'd prefer to keep it that way. I hit my rock bottom a few weeks ago after a nasty and frightening fight followed by an emotional breakdown. Once the air cleared, I told him I needed help. I've always been one to handle my own problems and have difficulty asking for help. To be honest, I also struggle with admitting that I have a problem. I always thought I had things under control, but clearly I don't. The drug controls me.
I've been convinced I needed the drugs to function. For the last few months, I've not taken them to get high, only to stave off withdrawals and keep myself afloat. I believed I needed the help to get up in the morning, to go to work, and to get thorough these long nights. Those are just excuses. I do have anxiety and mild depression, which seems to be relieved by the opiates at times,or worsened by them. I have a rx for xanax, but having gone through a benzo kick, I take them ONLY when I'm having a panic attack. Since I started weaning from opiates, I have been riddled with anxiety. I took one xanax and got violently ill and had the worst headache hangover the next day. I'd like to avoid using the xanax as a crutch to get me through this, but I don't know how else to quiet my mind. Netflix Binge watching is all I can do to distract myself and apart from thrashing around in bed because my veins feel like their full of battery acid and my legs ache like they've been pummeled by a boxer. Ugh... please, please, please, whatever powers that may be, don't ever let me call off the wagon again to have to do this again.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for all of your posts and insights that you've shared here. It's good to know that I'm not alone. I'm determined to beat this thing once and for all.
Other than seeing a doctor or a psychiatrist, what advice do you have about getting through this depression? It feels like it's never going to end, and it is that very fear that has led me to relapse in the past.
-OpiHATE
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome, OpiHATE! It's great to have you at SR! I'm sorry for what you're going through but it sounds like you're on the road to a better place. Addiction is addiction but you might find more responses in the substance abuse sub-section of SR.
I have used a combination of AVRT (you can do a search for it) and the SR forum to stay sober for the last 22 months. But there are lots of ways to get clean.
I just wanted to welcome you and tell you there is hope!
I spent years believing I couldn't live without alcohol but I was WRONG! There is life beyond addiction. It does get better. And you can do it.
I have used a combination of AVRT (you can do a search for it) and the SR forum to stay sober for the last 22 months. But there are lots of ways to get clean.
I just wanted to welcome you and tell you there is hope!
I spent years believing I couldn't live without alcohol but I was WRONG! There is life beyond addiction. It does get better. And you can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Thank you, MythOfSisyphus, for your kind words! Congratulations on your 22 months of sobriety! That's inspiring! I hope I will get to welcome someone new one day and be able to proclaim I've got 22 months under my belt, too 
That's inspiring! I hope I will get to welcome someone new one day and be able to proclaim I've got 22 months under my belt, too 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
hey there....
So I'm not at all experienced with opiates - but I did my share of drugs over the years that left me feeling worthless and lousy and hopeless emotionally.
I found vitamin D, b-12 and 5HTP supplements - together with vigorous exercise - to be incredibly helpful.
We screw up our seratonin receptors and dopamine levels among so many other things when we abuse our bodies with drugs. The chemical balance of our brains gets all out of whack and that in large part is what causes us to feel so terrible. Then atop that we add the life problems that were created by our neglect of LIFE as we doped ourselves up and there's a perfect recipe for awfulness. Exercise - as hard as it can be to drag ourselves out for a run or to the gym - is one of the greatest antedotes to this. Even if all you can muster at first is a daily walk. Getting out of the house, into the fresh air, around nature and moving our bodies and SEEING the world. Experiencing the NOW.... bit by bit it will help. As you feel more energetic, add in more intensity. Eventually, you will find yourself pushing limits you never realized your body could reach and the feeling of vigor and goodness and ALIVENESS you will experience is better than any induced high you've ever felt.
Check into crossfit, try out a martial art, find a beginner's running group, go sign up to a community pool and swim daily..... anything that moves your body in new ways and offers a new challenge each time you turn up to it. Do it for 90 days as a start.... you'll see a difference in that time. And as a bonus - it helps you 're-wire' your habits and fill the void of time that your addiction used to consume with getting loaded.
So I'm not at all experienced with opiates - but I did my share of drugs over the years that left me feeling worthless and lousy and hopeless emotionally.
I found vitamin D, b-12 and 5HTP supplements - together with vigorous exercise - to be incredibly helpful.
We screw up our seratonin receptors and dopamine levels among so many other things when we abuse our bodies with drugs. The chemical balance of our brains gets all out of whack and that in large part is what causes us to feel so terrible. Then atop that we add the life problems that were created by our neglect of LIFE as we doped ourselves up and there's a perfect recipe for awfulness. Exercise - as hard as it can be to drag ourselves out for a run or to the gym - is one of the greatest antedotes to this. Even if all you can muster at first is a daily walk. Getting out of the house, into the fresh air, around nature and moving our bodies and SEEING the world. Experiencing the NOW.... bit by bit it will help. As you feel more energetic, add in more intensity. Eventually, you will find yourself pushing limits you never realized your body could reach and the feeling of vigor and goodness and ALIVENESS you will experience is better than any induced high you've ever felt.
Check into crossfit, try out a martial art, find a beginner's running group, go sign up to a community pool and swim daily..... anything that moves your body in new ways and offers a new challenge each time you turn up to it. Do it for 90 days as a start.... you'll see a difference in that time. And as a bonus - it helps you 're-wire' your habits and fill the void of time that your addiction used to consume with getting loaded.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 684
Opihate, you sound so much like I did when I first got here. I've been off of opiates for a little over 4 months now, so I know from experience that you can get through this part. It's hard, there's no way around that, but it is so worth it.
I spent 3 weeks tapering myself, and then stopped. The anxiety, ennui and restlessness were really challenging, but they go away, it just takes a while. Getting out of the house really helped me, especially with the anxiety. Sometimes it was so intense I felt like I would explode, and I got a lot of relief from just walking out my door and walking around the block a few times. I know how hard it is to make yourself move when you feel like this, but doing so really does help. Breathing exercises helped me a lot, too. Breathe in really slowly, try to imagine that you're nourishing yourself as you do it, and then breathe out slowly, while imagining toxins and self defeating thinking flowing out of you. Try to tune out everything but the sound and sensation of your breath.
Simple yoga helped, too, even though I could only make myself do a few minutes of it at a time.
I also spent a lot of time in the bathtub, as hot as I could stand it, and I did a lot of saunas too. I felt like I was sweating the toxins out of my body, and got some short term relief from my physical discomfort. There were days that I spent hours in the bath.
It took about a month after I got through acute withdrawal before my energy came back. I could do what I had to do, like work, but it was hard to make myself do much more. The good news is that the listlessness passes, and you don't ever have to go through it again. I don't remember exactly how long it took for the anxiety to go away, I just remember realizing one day that it was gone.
My last pill was on April 1, and at that point I had only told one person about my addiction. I felt the same kind of shame that you mention, and expected to keep my secret to myself for the rest of my life, but surprisingly, within about a week I started telling people. Not everyone, but a lot of people, and every time I talked about it I felt a little more free. I don't feel ashamed anymore, I feel pretty good about myself now, and you can get there, too. It's hard, but so worth it to ride out the really bad parts and get to the other side. I know you can do this.
I spent 3 weeks tapering myself, and then stopped. The anxiety, ennui and restlessness were really challenging, but they go away, it just takes a while. Getting out of the house really helped me, especially with the anxiety. Sometimes it was so intense I felt like I would explode, and I got a lot of relief from just walking out my door and walking around the block a few times. I know how hard it is to make yourself move when you feel like this, but doing so really does help. Breathing exercises helped me a lot, too. Breathe in really slowly, try to imagine that you're nourishing yourself as you do it, and then breathe out slowly, while imagining toxins and self defeating thinking flowing out of you. Try to tune out everything but the sound and sensation of your breath.
Simple yoga helped, too, even though I could only make myself do a few minutes of it at a time.
I also spent a lot of time in the bathtub, as hot as I could stand it, and I did a lot of saunas too. I felt like I was sweating the toxins out of my body, and got some short term relief from my physical discomfort. There were days that I spent hours in the bath.
It took about a month after I got through acute withdrawal before my energy came back. I could do what I had to do, like work, but it was hard to make myself do much more. The good news is that the listlessness passes, and you don't ever have to go through it again. I don't remember exactly how long it took for the anxiety to go away, I just remember realizing one day that it was gone.
My last pill was on April 1, and at that point I had only told one person about my addiction. I felt the same kind of shame that you mention, and expected to keep my secret to myself for the rest of my life, but surprisingly, within about a week I started telling people. Not everyone, but a lot of people, and every time I talked about it I felt a little more free. I don't feel ashamed anymore, I feel pretty good about myself now, and you can get there, too. It's hard, but so worth it to ride out the really bad parts and get to the other side. I know you can do this.
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