greeneyes67

Hi everyone. I am new to this site and wanted to quickly introduce myself. I am a grateful member of Alanon and have been in recovery for 2 years. I am in a committed relationship with a dry alcoholic and have been with her for 8 1/2 years. It's hard living with someone who has stopped drinking but doesn't see the need for AA. She has the same behaviors at times that she had when she was drinking. She thinks that she is fine and the problem is all mine.

I agree I have a big part in the problems we have but still would like for her to see her part. I am working the steps with a sponsor. I am also a sponsor myself. I am active in service work and am the GR for my Sunday night group. I attend meetings and Alanon functions each week and work with my sponsor and sponsee every week.

My problem is at home. The situation seems to be getting worse. The fights are escalating, the anger is growing, the silences longer. It's as if my being in recovery has aggravated the problem. I am at a crossroad in my recovery. I recognize this. I know I have a choice and just for today I want to continue with this program that I feel is saving my life. But I don't feel it is saving my relationship. I am so confused. I have resorted to not talking much and keeping my feelings inside where she is concerned.

I have also stopped talking about how I really feel at meetings and with my sponsor because I don't feel like it would be useful to anyone. I know all the words to say regarding a step or a tradition or when someone else is suffering. But when it comes to myself I feel lost.

I write in a journal regularly and just thought I would try this site to get feedback and possibly help someone else.

That's my story today. It's nice to see so many fellow Alanons in recovery.

NOT A DOORMAT

Hi greeneyes67,

welcome, I am new here too, and not very knowledgable on recovery. But it doesn't seem to me that you should stop expressing your true feelings, I think we can get lost or jaded or something?? I have a hard enough time separating my feelings from a SO. I would much rather let someone else feel for me. But I know that's not healthy anymore (darn awareness!).
In any case, welcome, I have found this site and the members to be wonderful and supportive.

Best,

NAD

Gabe

Hey greeneyes,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us.
Not talking about your feelings isn't going to get you anywhere.
Journal writing is a great way to get those feelings out.
But verbal expression is even better.
Try not to go into shutdown mode.
Especially at meetings and especially with your sponsor.
A helping relationship doesn't work if you are not communicating.
I know of what I speak, I am famous for going into shutdown mode when life gets confusing.
It has never, ever been helpful to me. It just isolates me, and that is not a good thing.
Stick around. There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Gabe

Teggie

Hi greeneyes! Welcome to the forum! I'm pretty new myself and have only been in recovery for about 6 weeks. So please bear with my newbieness. First of all let me say congratulations at how far you've come in the program! Wow, I hope I can be there someday. Your post shows me too well that recovery is a ongoing process. Your constantly learning and developing. My mom is in alanon too, we spend alot of time talking about our recoveries and vent about the good and bad. We talk alot about the alcoholic's personality, the innate charecteristics that are there whether they are drinking or not. You know what I mean, the controlling, the self rationalizing jekyll and hyde persona etc. The bad stuff we wish would go away. I'm glad your SO doesn't drink anymore, thats a good thing. Her not thinking she needs AA, thats a bad thing as I am sure you know. Does she talk about why she feels she doesn't need AA? Is she resentful that you've come so far in your recovery and she seems to be at a standstill? Does she have a support group seperate from you? Does she realize there are problems currently in your relationship? These are just hypothetical thoughts on my part, just vibes I picked up from reading your post. If she's adamant about no AA, would she consider marriage counseling? That could be a start, an opening of a closed door. Most of all I think of the things that I am just learning, the basics. She is still an alcoholic. She is still sick and will always be. Although she isn't drinking she is not working through the issues she needs too. And there are issues or you would'nt be feeling this way. She has to want to help herself. You can't do it for her. I mentioned the marriage counseling because of the fact that you feel the relationship is in jeopardy. Please keep up your recovery, you may have come far but you still need it, focus it on your preception of the problems and how you are letting it affect you. Let it help you, again. You'll be able to look back later and know you've done your part. The rest is up to her. Funny how there are so many grey areas in our life and how alcohol related problems and marital problems can coexist, blend into each other but remain seperate too. I hope that made sense. Keep posting here, vent all you like, good or bad, let us know how your doing, we help each other as best we can. Take care and I hope to see you here for a long time. Hugs! Teggie

greeneyes67

Thank you all for the warm welcomes. I plan on staying around for awhile. It's so nice to meet you!