bikewench

Why, why, why do I let them get a hold of me????

When they don't get met... I get so angry and the old sadness and self pity just jump right in there and start to stew.

I feel like I want to smash something I get so rageful.

I try to talk myself down.. but I only feel ashamed.

And the expectations are so unreasonable!!!

Like wanting someone to be there to listen to me when I want them to be... Gawd... I know better than that... but it still poisons every moment I'm locked in those thoughts.

The worst part is how terribly unfair it is to the person I'm locked on.

And to the people who love me and don't know what's wrong cause I'm ashamed to say.




Lord...
I'm not a little kid anymore...
Please lift these unreasonable thoughts from me...

Gabe

Hey there my friend,
I know where you are, I have been there myself. And it's very hard to tone down those expectations, especially when they deal with something you want very much. My Alateen sponsor used to say "I try to expect nothing. Then if I get something, it's icing on the cake." That is easier said than done.
Wanting someone to be there to listen is not an unreasonable expectation.
Unless there is some reason that person can't do that for you.
This is why it's important to have several resources to tap when you need an understanding ear.
Big hugs,
Gabe

bikewench

Hey Gabe

Resources...
You got it... and this board is a big one.


Wanting someone to listen is one thing... but wanting them to listen on my time frame is another... its simply childish.
Especially when their going through things themselves.

But.. I can lay it out here and see it for what it is...


Thanks Gabe...

Gabe

You have a good point about the time frame conflict. That is a hard one to take sometimes, very hard.
I'm glad you can come here and tap our understanding ears when the one you really want is otherwise occupied.
Always here for you bikewench, you know that.

Magichappens

Hey Bikewench,
I know where you're coming from. That is a real need. We just seem to pick people who are incapable of meeting it. That is why I am glad I have a great sponsor, and some really great ladies that belong to my home group. Me and my H speak a different language much of the time. I love him, but I can't get that nurturing that I long for. That doesn't mean I should deny myself the nurturing. I just have to get it from someone else. Alcoholic or not, he's a man. Men for the most part don't do the nurture. When presented with a problem, they proceed to do the logic thing. It usually sounds like they are telling us what we need to do. Not what I am looking for. Then I get ticked off. That is the pattern. If I want something different, I have to try something different. A woman who has been through similar situations, and found how to deal with them, can empathize and guide me through better than my H. My idea of what marriage "should" be has changed in recovery. He can't meet all my needs. The ones that he can't, I have to find healthy ways to meet. Don't deny your needs. Find other ways to fill those voids. It's hard to start reaching out, but you are worth it! Hugs, Magic

Teggie

(((Bikewench)))) it's good to see you here. I agree with Magic 100%, I could'nt have said it better. Hang in there, come here and vent all you like. Be like me and wear your keyboard out lol. Ahh expectations, I'm starting to get the concept of that, I've set a few only to get frustrated when they don't get met. But I hang on read my books, lurk the forum, I can always find something that makes sense to me. Good luck, we hope to hear from you often! Hugs Teggie

splendra

(((((Bikewench))))))-

You are so aware!! I personally like your straight forward style of expressing yourself. You have hit a wall but, at least you know it. You know some peole don't even know what is wrong. Our HP is with us in this expectation thing. We just have to believe that God as is bigger than our problems and our expectations. Be gentle with yourself girl. You are ok!!

Dan

Bike, I'm sure you've heard it, and it may even have been posted...
I've been taught that expectations are pre-meditated disappointments 99.9% of the time.
I'm still working on accepting that.

Marcinor

Bikewench,

I'm also guilty of wanting my partner to listen on my timeframe. My anxiety level hits the roof and instead of dealing with my own feelings, on my own and in a healthy way, I corner my partner and make things worse.

I have to stop.

I like what magic said, "If I want something different, I have to try something different".

bikewench

I do know that Gabe.. and I love you guys cause its unconditional.


I can't help but feel so often that what I'm doing is wrong... or bad... cause I had a Catholic codie's and an alkie's logic to raise me... but ...I've come a long way and now I don't have to be hit over the head with the revelation that sometimes I can be a demanding b*tch... ; )
(More self awareness Splendra..lol)

But... today's a new day... and a new way...


Hey Magic...
Your right...
Men for the most part don't do nurture. And they seem to be bewildered when we become a soggy needing femme.

And getting my needs met outside of my primary relationship....

yeah....

I am trying to do that... but in all honestly.. I gravitate to men... and therein lies the conundrum. But... I'm trying to stay balanced with lots of praying about it... and being honest with the people in my life it affects...

Yeah Dan...
99.9 % pre-meditated disappointment. lmao...
Never heard that before... but it's DEAD on
I do have to learn how to handle disappointment better... and look to myself more for my own approval and acceptance.
Cause some days... it can be a cold day in hell... ;o)

Hey Teggie... I have no letters left on a quarter of my keys on my keyboard.. lol.. worn right off.
But that's okay. I have one foot in both worlds... and I feel like someone gave me the keys to endless knowledge and contact with amazing people all over the world...
I am truly blessed.


Marcinor...
Welcome to SR... ;o)

Gack. Anxiety. I hate it. Cause it pushes me as well. And it usually makes things worse when I do for sure.
I know that I SHOULD step away and not let my fears drive me... but it's easier said than done when something is pushing my fear button and I can't get a handle on it.

Cause... even though I know something intellecually... it's still my heart and my emotions that will override that on too many occasions for my liking...
.. but ...I can always say "I'm sorry" even though in some instances I think someone gets tired of hearing it.

That's okay though. I say sorry for me....