SadieJack

My brother is a long term alcoholic. We have severed ties for the past year. He says he cannot deal with my "judgmental" attitude and I cannot deal with his lies and manipulation. But, I am in touch with his GF. She calls and vents to me about how rotten he is, how he is selfish, mean, etc. She has moved out of his place and back 3 times this past year.

So I try to be helpful and encourage her to go to Al Anon (she practically took my head off at that suggestion)..perhaps find a therapist I said (again, the problem is with my brother not her)... get her own apt. (she lives between my brother's, her mother's and some friends at age 58!!).

She is my only link to my brother and I would hate to sever it, but she really makes me so upset. I know it is THEIR problem, but somehow it becomes mine too.

Where is my anger coming from?

Thoughts?

SparkleKitty

It is incredibly difficult to watch someone make the same bad choices we have made. It can dredge up a lot of stuff. If you are not able to accept her as she is right now you may just need to distance yourself from her, at least for a bit.

dandylion

SadieJack....the anger is most likely coming from the pain underneath the anger---the sadness, sense of loss, feeling helpless in this situation--and being "used" by the GF as a sounding board with no attempt to gain in a genuine sense from it.

I have always felt that the pain of alcoholism from blood kin is the worst of all.
We cannot divorce them. It is much harder to detach from---that is the way humans are built.

I, above all others...understand wanting to keep in touch with the only link to a precious family loved one. I am in that same position, myself. It does make it more complicated, emotionally.

I will say this to you.....you sibling can be very angry at you, etc......but, down deep those bonds are still there....way deep. Even with long periods of no contact...he won't stop loving you because of it. Whatever KIND of loves he has....even though he may not know how to show it through actions....not yet, anyway.
Perhaps he will reach for genuine recovery, one day.

My heart goes out to you....
Let go...and let God (or the universe).

dandylion

SadieJack

The tears just sprang up when I read your response Dandylion. Your words are so true. Thank you! I am trying to let go and let god, but it is so hard! What compounds this even more for me is that I recently lost my mother so my AB is the only family member left. My dad, another brother and sister died years ago. Your siblings are the longest relationships you have in your life...longer than your parent's, longer than your children, longer than your spouse. Not enough attention is paid to that fact I think. I love my brother dearly and I am watching another sibling die. It is so heart breaking.

And you are right about the GF not being genuinely being interested in any help. It is very frustrating for me because I feel that she enables him and doesn't have the guts to leave him when she is hurting him and herself.

dandylion

Sadie, I feel so deeply for you.

I have seen those who were given up as "hopeless" actually make a change in their middle to later years. (I have worked with alcoholics). There is no absolute predicting.

Know that some of us understand and hear your pain.
You may feel free to PM me any time you like.

dandylion

SadieJack

Thank you for the support Dandylion... and encouragement. Very kind.

hopeful4

You said it, from his lies and manipulation. Seeing what alcoholism has done to you, himself, his girlfriend. Anger at the alcoholism itself. All of these things make us angry. It's what you do next to work through the anger that is important!

heartbrokenK

Anger for me is my way of coping when I hurt.

NYCDoglvr

At the basis of anger is fear. Fear of loosing something you have or not getting what you want. How about Alanon for YOU?

WendyOR

I think anger stems from two things, and I have thought this for a long time. For me anyways... well, come to think of it, three things...

for me, the highest on the scale is hurt. My anger always stems from hurts....
fear, when I am fearful I am angry
confusion.... being logical, I think when something seems so illogical or irrational, anger