bringiton

RAH has had many, MANY occasions when he blacked out while drinking. He traveled a lot for work and on many occasions I had no contact (my choice, detachment strategy) with him or if I tried to contact him there was no answer. I have no proof an affair. I have reasons to believe he would not have been able to physically have one. However, I will never know for sure. Just the thought that he would have tried hurts. He swears he would never and it never happened (how many have heard that one?). He honestly may never really remember either.

So, I don't know how I feel about this. I know no one can tell me how to feel. I'm not sure if I'm able to just accept this as part of the past and move on. Maybe eventually I could? He is working his program very hard and committed to it so I don't want to punish him for mistakes in the past because I wouldn't want that if I were trying to change my life (which in a way I am - alanon, therapy, codependency). This is so not fair (yes, I sound like I'm 5) and I feel like when I asked about it, how he can be so sure he didn't, he just knew that he would never do something so "catastrophic"? My understanding of a blackout is that you really have limited control and memory. Never been a drinker myself so no experience with that. I guess it just comes down to my faith in my HP and what the relationship is worth to me? I'm trying not to feel so angry because I feel like it's so emotionally and draining on me and hurting my family and I'm ultimately punishing myself and the kids for something that may or may not have ever happened. Even if it had the only thing I could do about it is leave him I guess and save myself from further hurt? I feel like a hopeless codependent fool sometimes.

Thanks for your time sometimes just getting out out feels better.

redatlanta

While I understand the questions and the pain some things are better left in the past. I doubt your husband could have had a full affair with out some kind of "leftover's" that would have indicated that the next day. Possible I suppose but highly improbable.

Just because someone is an alcoholic doesn't mean they are a cheater.

He is in recovery - I would try to move forward from the hurt of not being able to get in contact with him when he was drinking.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this I know its probably driven you a bit crazy.

FireSprite

Reading this it sounds like you are over-anxious about a potential affair(s) during blackout even though you have no reason to believe it actually happened at anytime and actually have reason to believe isn't even possible?

Is it something he has expressed concern about? If not, creating this anxiety must be coming from somewhere inside of you, right? THAT'S the crux of it, IMO. Blackouts don't necessarily = despicable behavior, but it's not surprising that he wouldn't answer his phone & hide out while he was drinking heavily like that. JMHO!

bringiton

Thank you both. He had lied to me since getting out of recovery and that set me off a bit I think. I think in a way I feel like an idiot for still being with him sometimes and have trouble trusting in general. My expectation (expectations can cause me so many problems, I try to be careful) would be him more sincere and apologizing for us even having this conversation. I'm trying to keep perspective and not overreact. I knew we would still have lots of work if he ever stopped drinking I don't think I was ready for the emotions and conflicting feelings I'm having about him. It took me years to learn how to detatch and set my boundaries so I suppose I should stay patient and go when the flow for now. We are both in counseling together and alone - if I could go every day right now I would. I'm not trusting myself and I'm struggling with my insecurities. I supposed that could be expected considering everything.

redatlanta

Lying about what if you don't mind me asking?

bringiton

There was a woman's phone number in his wallet but of course he doesn't remember. Guess it kind of goes from there in my mind.

bringiton

He also met with a woman from AA at a tattoo parlor, got a tatoo with her and had her promise not to tell me. He never mentioned her being there until he was caught in the lie from some texts to her. I was upset because I wanted to go with him but he didn't want to wait for a time I could go along, he had to do out right then, now I know why.

totfit

When I drank in bars I collected phone numbers. Everyone's for one reason or the other. Going to get some work done, this or that. Some of them I did not remember who they were. May have been a couple of women's phone numbers too, but no serious anything I doubt. A real black out is not a result of memories being suppressed of unable to bring up. A real black out is actually a result of things never being recorded. It would be like a video recorder being on and the drive being full of right protected data. Nothing more is recorded. The memories were never made. We all have a history both good and bad. We should not necessarily forgive and forget, but its best not to dredge up and live with past deeds or miss-deeds. IMHO.

AnvilheadII

He also met with a woman from AA at a tattoo parlor, got a tatoo with her and had her promise not to tell me. He never mentioned her being there until he was caught in the lie from some texts to her. I was upset because I wanted to go with him but he didn't want to wait for a time I could go along, he had to do out right then, now I know why.

huh. IMO, that ain't right. not JUST going with some other woman, bad enough, but the lying and secrecy and ongoing texts. the fact that she is in AA is irrelevant, that doesn't make it ok. so i totally get why you are upset!!!

has this been brought out in the open and discussed? have you shared how you feel about his actions and chioces? speak you peace? your concerns and feelings are valid and his actions ARE suspicious and covert. maybe you are right to TRUST him..........

AnvilheadII

EDIT: maybe you are right NOT to trust him....

FireSprite

Yeah, with all that new information I could see why you'd be suspicious & uneasy. The hard part of course, is that you can never really know the truth no matter what, right? He'll never remember anything that may have happened in a blackout state whether he's being honest or deceptive so you literally can't know.

So that leaves with just accepting the past & moving on to some degree, I guess, and trying to focus on the changes you see (or don't) since he is in recovery. That stinks, I'm sorry you are carrying that around with you. ((((hugs))))

Refiner

Oh gosh I was all set to encourage you to let it go. But with his deceit (yes, that's what it is) and the hiding about the AA woman, tat date, and ongoing texts I'm getting big red flags, now. And he can't blame it on alcohol/blackouts. You have a right to be bothered big time... this is emotionally cheating, IMHO. You can't prove he cheated while drunk in the past (he probably didn't), but you sure can prove he's emotionally cheating on you now in the present. You need to have a chat... preferably with a marriage counselor present.

bringiton

Thank you, really very much. He is well aware how I felt. We discussed many times including in our first session of marriage counseling. I see her again Saturday alone then as a couple again. He promised to stop texting/calling her. I don't know if they have but he sure isn't bringing her up. I feel like I'm missing a maturity gene or something by how hard it seems to be for me to move past this. Sometimes I look at him and think that he is not worth all of this. The kids adore him (of course) so that makes me think we should keep trying. I often can't figure out how much I hate and/or love him. I'm tired of feelings!

I guess in my mind I'm looking at a six month time frame to see if we make any progress. I figure this gives him additional time to work on his sobriety and me to work on my issues. I was abandoned by my biological father at age one, my first husband cheated on me (and then some other unhealthy past relationships) so yes, it's probably good I just keep working on myself and slow down. With or without him I will be moving forward when I think of it that way. Saturday I will work with the doctor on some firm boundaries going forward. In the past I have been pretty good at enforcing them but I don't have any real new ones since his sobriety. Honesty will be top of the list, I refuse to hear any more lies.

hopeful4

I think it's good you are going to counseling and have learned to detatch. You hear on SR a lot that, "More Will Be Revealed," and that is normally true. In the meantime keep focusing on you.

My X usto drink to blackout drunk, it's not only dangerous but he had this attitude that just because he did not remember things they did not happen. Ummmm NO, that is not how it works.

XXX