Acceptance. It really is time to go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Acceptance. It really is time to go.
I finally faced the thought of leaving without anger, bitterness, crying or feeling wrong. It’s the strangest most liberating feeling I've had in a long time. No highs, no lows, just acceptance. So many things make sense now.
I've always known the opposite of love was not hate, but indifference. When you have hate, there is still passion behind it. In fact, as him and I were arguing the other day he got all high and mighty on me saying why do you get so angry? Why do you get so emotional? I simply stated that although I hate fighting he should actually be glad that I’m still fighting, because once I stop fighting with him or for him, that’s when he should know it’s really over. Once I don’t care to waste my energy fighting with him, I no longer care.
That time has come.
Friday I poured my heart out to him about what I felt we were doing to our kids. In the midst of that conversation I let slip the whole idea that he is just another kid. Well out of the hours of conversation.. what do you think mattered the most to him? The direction we’re giving our kids? How we’re teaching them that adults act? That we aren't fostering any sense that delayed gratification is the way you earn things? That our daughter is turning into a perfect people pleaser at the ripe old age of 9? Nope.. none of that. The only thing he could talk about is that I called him out of his name. That I dared to call him a kid.
I told him that night I was leaving. I went to sleep in the other room and he just followed. All the same hoover tactics as always. We actually had a good weekend after that because it was my birthday. So of course that should mean everything is ok.
Last night he told me HE was throwing the towel in, that HE couldn't do it anymore. That I make everyone in the house miserable and on and on.. So when I gathered my things to again sleep in the other room. HE FREAKS OUT?!? Starts following me around the house. Ranting and Raving. Umm.. didn't you just tell me you didn't want to be together anymore. *rolls eyes*
In any case.. none of it mattered. All the words, the frightening gestures, the things he blamed on me. I couldn't have cared less. I stayed calm, just said I understood. Went to bed, and slept quite peacefully.
And to top it off… Today marks 30 days since I gave up drinking completely so that I could deal with him with a clear head. Probably the best thing I could have done.
I've always known the opposite of love was not hate, but indifference. When you have hate, there is still passion behind it. In fact, as him and I were arguing the other day he got all high and mighty on me saying why do you get so angry? Why do you get so emotional? I simply stated that although I hate fighting he should actually be glad that I’m still fighting, because once I stop fighting with him or for him, that’s when he should know it’s really over. Once I don’t care to waste my energy fighting with him, I no longer care.
That time has come.
Friday I poured my heart out to him about what I felt we were doing to our kids. In the midst of that conversation I let slip the whole idea that he is just another kid. Well out of the hours of conversation.. what do you think mattered the most to him? The direction we’re giving our kids? How we’re teaching them that adults act? That we aren't fostering any sense that delayed gratification is the way you earn things? That our daughter is turning into a perfect people pleaser at the ripe old age of 9? Nope.. none of that. The only thing he could talk about is that I called him out of his name. That I dared to call him a kid.
I told him that night I was leaving. I went to sleep in the other room and he just followed. All the same hoover tactics as always. We actually had a good weekend after that because it was my birthday. So of course that should mean everything is ok.
Last night he told me HE was throwing the towel in, that HE couldn't do it anymore. That I make everyone in the house miserable and on and on.. So when I gathered my things to again sleep in the other room. HE FREAKS OUT?!? Starts following me around the house. Ranting and Raving. Umm.. didn't you just tell me you didn't want to be together anymore. *rolls eyes*
In any case.. none of it mattered. All the words, the frightening gestures, the things he blamed on me. I couldn't have cared less. I stayed calm, just said I understood. Went to bed, and slept quite peacefully.
And to top it off… Today marks 30 days since I gave up drinking completely so that I could deal with him with a clear head. Probably the best thing I could have done.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
I am going thru similar situation. I know I am done because I think all his talk is hilarious and he really sounds like a moron. And he is blaming me, saying its menopause messing with me and it will be like that for 3 years. Hmmmm, I must of missed him becoming a doctor along the way!!!! Im only 42. Denial is the first part of acceptance!!!!!!! What does that even mean in English????? The things he can come up with in a drunken stuper are amazing. This was last night after about 13 beers in 2-3 hrs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Really beautiful post, isitme.
You've articulated acceptance beautifully. I remember saying to my xabf, "It's not that I'm right and you're wrong, we're just different." He valued alcohol, marijuana, and the bar life ahead of relationships. I valued relationships and home life ahead of partying. We had so much in common...just not our priorities. Neither of us was right or wrong, just different. When I finally accepted that, I knew I could continue to love him, but from a distance and no longer at my own expense.
Thanks for a beautiful share.
You've articulated acceptance beautifully. I remember saying to my xabf, "It's not that I'm right and you're wrong, we're just different." He valued alcohol, marijuana, and the bar life ahead of relationships. I valued relationships and home life ahead of partying. We had so much in common...just not our priorities. Neither of us was right or wrong, just different. When I finally accepted that, I knew I could continue to love him, but from a distance and no longer at my own expense.
Thanks for a beautiful share.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
itisme....Happy Belated Birthday and Congrats to you on your own very long time of sobriety. How wonderful!
Let him quack away. Who really cares who HE THINKS caused it? You know the answers, that's all that really matters.
Tight Hugs!
Let him quack away. Who really cares who HE THINKS caused it? You know the answers, that's all that really matters.
Tight Hugs!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
