My mind is blown... incomprehensible.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 31
My mind is blown... incomprehensible.
I just don't get it. I don't really even know how to explain it. Yesterday I learned that AH wanted a divorce nearly three years ago but he never told me. Instead, he went to marital counseling, increased his drinking, kept telling me he loved me and didn't want a divorce, and became more withdrawn, less mentally present, and more verbally abusive until he was arrested a few months ago.
Yesterday I heard from his mouth how manipulative and evil I am, what a p.o.s. I am, how I'm a malignant tumor in his life... just the most astounding, vile vitriol.
What blew me away is that he wanted a divorce years ago and never said a thing to me. He was my best friend, I thought. I thought he loved me. He told me he did. I believed we had no problems that we weren't addressing. I asked him a few times if he wanted a divorce, and he said no.
Apparently I was very, so very wrong. Years from now I will of course be able to accept all this and will have moved on, but not now. I'm completely lost, blown away, beyond devastated.
He never. Said. A. Thing. He is a complete opposite of who he was just months ago.
I'm... mentally... I don't know. There are just no words.
Yesterday I heard from his mouth how manipulative and evil I am, what a p.o.s. I am, how I'm a malignant tumor in his life... just the most astounding, vile vitriol.
What blew me away is that he wanted a divorce years ago and never said a thing to me. He was my best friend, I thought. I thought he loved me. He told me he did. I believed we had no problems that we weren't addressing. I asked him a few times if he wanted a divorce, and he said no.
Apparently I was very, so very wrong. Years from now I will of course be able to accept all this and will have moved on, but not now. I'm completely lost, blown away, beyond devastated.
He never. Said. A. Thing. He is a complete opposite of who he was just months ago.
I'm... mentally... I don't know. There are just no words.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
PunchDrunk.....this sounds to me like the rattling of an alcohol soaked brain. Otherwise know in these circles as "QUACKING". Alcoholics often attack and blame others in order to take the focus off of themselves. This is to protect their drinking and to cope with their own guilt and shame--by trying to take others down.
Do not take his words at face value. Do not eat yourself up over the garbage spewed from his altered reality. He can't even trust his own self---so, don't you trust anything he says, either.
Their words can hurt, I know. This is why it is important that you not take this to heart.
I have been hurt by the quacking, myself. So, my heart goes out to you tonight.
I am so sorry that you had to listen to this vile.
dandylion
Do not take his words at face value. Do not eat yourself up over the garbage spewed from his altered reality. He can't even trust his own self---so, don't you trust anything he says, either.
Their words can hurt, I know. This is why it is important that you not take this to heart.
I have been hurt by the quacking, myself. So, my heart goes out to you tonight.
I am so sorry that you had to listen to this vile.
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by PunchDrunk 
I just don't get it. I don't really even know how to explain it. Yesterday I learned that AH wanted a divorce nearly three years ago but he never told me. Instead, he went to marital counseling, increased his drinking, kept telling me he loved me and didn't want a divorce, and became more withdrawn, less mentally present, and more verbally abusive until he was arrested a few months ago.
Yesterday I heard from his mouth how manipulative and evil I am, what a p.o.s. I am, how I'm a malignant tumor in his life... just the most astounding, vile vitriol.
What blew me away is that he wanted a divorce years ago and never said a thing to me. He was my best friend, I thought. I thought he loved me. He told me he did. I believed we had no problems that we weren't addressing. I asked him a few times if he wanted a divorce, and he said no.
Apparently I was very, so very wrong. Years from now I will of course be able to accept all this and will have moved on, but not now. I'm completely lost, blown away, beyond devastated.
He never. Said. A. Thing. He is a complete opposite of who he was just months ago.
I'm... mentally... I don't know. There are just no words.
Yesterday I heard from his mouth how manipulative and evil I am, what a p.o.s. I am, how I'm a malignant tumor in his life... just the most astounding, vile vitriol.
What blew me away is that he wanted a divorce years ago and never said a thing to me. He was my best friend, I thought. I thought he loved me. He told me he did. I believed we had no problems that we weren't addressing. I asked him a few times if he wanted a divorce, and he said no.
Apparently I was very, so very wrong. Years from now I will of course be able to accept all this and will have moved on, but not now. I'm completely lost, blown away, beyond devastated.
He never. Said. A. Thing. He is a complete opposite of who he was just months ago.
I'm... mentally... I don't know. There are just no words.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Punch,
How unfortunate that your drunk H expects you to be a mind reader and focused on his inner mind (addled by drinking). His inner self is a void which he drinks to fill. Occasionally it spews out at those around him - typically those who love this person the most. Living around this sort of person gets pretty barren. Any normal creature heads to a more protected spot - a spot with some green hope.
Your release - your key - is within you Punch. You wrote in your post that you thought he was your best friend - yet you also asked him if he wanted a divorce and went to marital counseling. He was too weak to speak up for himself. But your inner self knew that someday it would end. Your gut knew. Listen to yourself. The hurt will pass quicker than you can imagine because Punch you are full of hope as you depart. You just need to walk away and that kind of self hatred and emptiness stays with your ex. It cannot follow you - unless you take it on. There is no reason to take on someone else's self hatred.
Keep walking away Punch.
How unfortunate that your drunk H expects you to be a mind reader and focused on his inner mind (addled by drinking). His inner self is a void which he drinks to fill. Occasionally it spews out at those around him - typically those who love this person the most. Living around this sort of person gets pretty barren. Any normal creature heads to a more protected spot - a spot with some green hope.
Your release - your key - is within you Punch. You wrote in your post that you thought he was your best friend - yet you also asked him if he wanted a divorce and went to marital counseling. He was too weak to speak up for himself. But your inner self knew that someday it would end. Your gut knew. Listen to yourself. The hurt will pass quicker than you can imagine because Punch you are full of hope as you depart. You just need to walk away and that kind of self hatred and emptiness stays with your ex. It cannot follow you - unless you take it on. There is no reason to take on someone else's self hatred.
Keep walking away Punch.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Oh now, years later, he says he wanted a divorce? He's just saying that to hurt you. I know the words sting, but please see it for what it really is.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by PunchDrunk
Yesterday I learned that AH wanted a divorce nearly three years ago but he never told me. Instead, he went to marital counseling, increased his drinking, kept telling me he loved me and didn't want a divorce, and became more withdrawn, less mentally present, and more verbally abusive until he was arrested a few months ago.
He had a chance to leave you at any time during the last 3 years but never made it out the door, strangely. Oh, and it coincided with an increase in his drinking! Who would have thought? Just in case you can't read between the lines, it's your fault his drinking increased.
Sooner rather than later, not years from now, your going to see this quacking for what it is. BS.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
PunchDrunk;
The toxic evil comments that used to come out of my mother's drunken mouth would have
been enough to flatten an army had they been aimed at one.
Instead they were aimed at me, or my brother usually, and were so wounding as to
be impossible to dismiss as drunken venting.
But in hindsight I realize that the hatred coming out of her mouth aimed at us
was really hatred she felt for herself but was displacing.
He is angry and hurting at himself.
He has absolutely no right to take it out on you, and
I'm not saying you should listen to or accept even one minute of it,
but I do think it really isn't about you or his feelings towards you.
When I realized this truth about my mother and her verbal abuse,
it made me feel like not everything in our relationship was a lie
and down the road I was able to forgive.
Please don't internalize or accept the words he has said to you as "truth".
They are just angry words that should bounce off you and shatter on the ground.
They are the darkest and worst form of quacking.
The toxic evil comments that used to come out of my mother's drunken mouth would have
been enough to flatten an army had they been aimed at one.
Instead they were aimed at me, or my brother usually, and were so wounding as to
be impossible to dismiss as drunken venting.
But in hindsight I realize that the hatred coming out of her mouth aimed at us
was really hatred she felt for herself but was displacing.
He is angry and hurting at himself.
He has absolutely no right to take it out on you, and
I'm not saying you should listen to or accept even one minute of it,
but I do think it really isn't about you or his feelings towards you.
When I realized this truth about my mother and her verbal abuse,
it made me feel like not everything in our relationship was a lie
and down the road I was able to forgive.
Please don't internalize or accept the words he has said to you as "truth".
They are just angry words that should bounce off you and shatter on the ground.
They are the darkest and worst form of quacking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Hey Punch,
I agree with what everyone else said-- do not take this as the gospel truth. He is rewriting history, which is very common with abusive/alcoholic people. He's doing it to make himself feel better, and to cut you down, make you question yourself. And you're devastated and very upset, so obviously it worked.
You DO have an accurate memory of what he was like back then. He doesn't. And on top of that, if he truly wanted a divorce, would he have been trying to work on things with you? Told you he loved you? Told you he wanted to stay together? No to all of that-- but he did do all of those things. His version of things makes no sense, because it is total nonsense.
Hugs to you!
I agree with what everyone else said-- do not take this as the gospel truth. He is rewriting history, which is very common with abusive/alcoholic people. He's doing it to make himself feel better, and to cut you down, make you question yourself. And you're devastated and very upset, so obviously it worked.
You DO have an accurate memory of what he was like back then. He doesn't. And on top of that, if he truly wanted a divorce, would he have been trying to work on things with you? Told you he loved you? Told you he wanted to stay together? No to all of that-- but he did do all of those things. His version of things makes no sense, because it is total nonsense.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It helped me a lot to do some reading on what happens to the alcoholic's brain and body when they are drinking so heavily. There are chemical and neurological changes that manifest themselves in their behavior.
What your AH thinks right now, at a given moment, especially when drunk, does not necessarily have anything to do with what he felt yesterday, or especially, three years ago. The alcohol literally transforms them into another person. Some of that is reversible after a year or more of sobriety, but if the alcoholism is severe, some of that is not reversible.
He, right now, is not a reliable witness to what he said and felt three years ago.
There are also profound emotional changes in the alcoholic. Some of it is driven by the physiological changes; heavy alcohol use and alcoholism can release rage. Other emotional changes are driven by the new centering focus of the alcoholic's life: to drink as they want, when they want, without interference.
To protect that right, and to defend the underlying guilt that they may have over abandoning their loved ones to the mistress of alcohol, they will say whatever occurs to them to justify their behavior and blame someone else.
If you felt that you had a loving relationship with your husband, I think you did. He just can't access those feelings right now.
One of the hardest things for me to understand as my husband's alcoholism progressed, was that he was not necessarily relating to me as his partner, lover and friend anymore. As it grew worse, I was essentially an innocent bystander upon whom he threw the detritus of what he needed to believe in order to justify what he wanted to do: drink.
Not that I didn't contribute to the dysfunction - I did. My responses to try to make him be what I wanted him to be, to make him be what he used to be, were not productive or my right to try to determine how he lived his life.
But his shift away from our marriage was due to his alcoholism.
Take heart, it is terribly tough, but most likely you are not the center of this. We often tell people new to SoberRecovery the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it,
You can't change it, and
You can't cure it.
You now have a third party in your relationship: alcohol, and it changes everything.
Read as much as you can in the "stickies" at the top of the Friends and Families Forum - they are permanent threads about topics of enduring meaning and can give you much more perspective about this disease.
There is a lot of grief that you are feeling, and we understand. Many of us have felt it and lived through it to a better happier life, with or without our partners. We'll be here for you as others were here for us.
ShootingStar1
What your AH thinks right now, at a given moment, especially when drunk, does not necessarily have anything to do with what he felt yesterday, or especially, three years ago. The alcohol literally transforms them into another person. Some of that is reversible after a year or more of sobriety, but if the alcoholism is severe, some of that is not reversible.
He, right now, is not a reliable witness to what he said and felt three years ago.
There are also profound emotional changes in the alcoholic. Some of it is driven by the physiological changes; heavy alcohol use and alcoholism can release rage. Other emotional changes are driven by the new centering focus of the alcoholic's life: to drink as they want, when they want, without interference.
To protect that right, and to defend the underlying guilt that they may have over abandoning their loved ones to the mistress of alcohol, they will say whatever occurs to them to justify their behavior and blame someone else.
If you felt that you had a loving relationship with your husband, I think you did. He just can't access those feelings right now.
One of the hardest things for me to understand as my husband's alcoholism progressed, was that he was not necessarily relating to me as his partner, lover and friend anymore. As it grew worse, I was essentially an innocent bystander upon whom he threw the detritus of what he needed to believe in order to justify what he wanted to do: drink.
Not that I didn't contribute to the dysfunction - I did. My responses to try to make him be what I wanted him to be, to make him be what he used to be, were not productive or my right to try to determine how he lived his life.
But his shift away from our marriage was due to his alcoholism.
Take heart, it is terribly tough, but most likely you are not the center of this. We often tell people new to SoberRecovery the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it,
You can't change it, and
You can't cure it.
You now have a third party in your relationship: alcohol, and it changes everything.
Read as much as you can in the "stickies" at the top of the Friends and Families Forum - they are permanent threads about topics of enduring meaning and can give you much more perspective about this disease.
There is a lot of grief that you are feeling, and we understand. Many of us have felt it and lived through it to a better happier life, with or without our partners. We'll be here for you as others were here for us.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Totally agree - my RAH spewed the same garbage at me at the heights of his insanity & was horrified later to hear those words repeated back to him after getting sober. Most of those "moments" he didn't even remember happening because, as he explained, he was so selfishly focused on himself that he was often just spouting without any conscious thought except to lash out.
It was a LOT of misdirected self-hatred, plus he needed on some level to delude himself into believing that I *was* that bad in order to justify his own horrible behavior to himself. It is c.r.a.z.y.m.a.k.i.n.g. behavior, try to avoid getting sucked into believing it & see it instead for the Quackery that it likely is.
(((((hugs))))) I know how terrible it feels to be lashed at that way, it feels like a physical wound.
It was a LOT of misdirected self-hatred, plus he needed on some level to delude himself into believing that I *was* that bad in order to justify his own horrible behavior to himself. It is c.r.a.z.y.m.a.k.i.n.g. behavior, try to avoid getting sucked into believing it & see it instead for the Quackery that it likely is.
(((((hugs))))) I know how terrible it feels to be lashed at that way, it feels like a physical wound.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
My husband has done this exact same thing. Unfortunately I believed him. Now I know not to engage or listen when he is drinking. My husband once told me , "When I drink I become the world's greatest victim and I'll do anything to keep it that way so I can justify my drinking."
Alcoholism is so crazy.
Alcoholism is so crazy.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You will get to the stage that you realize what is spewing out of his mouth is BS. The more you engage with that BS the more painful it will be for you.
What are you getting out of this? It sounds like just a lot of pain.
Hugs. It's a process.
What are you getting out of this? It sounds like just a lot of pain.
Hugs. It's a process.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
To protect that right, and to defend the underlying guilt that they may have over abandoning their loved ones to the mistress of alcohol, they will say whatever occurs to them to justify their behavior and blame someone else.
My ex told my attorney he couldn't understand why I left, because our marriage had always been perfect. Five minutes later, he said he only drank because I was so miserable to be married to and he had many times contemplated divorce.
It's really like they say the first thing that comes into their heads to defend their actions. And it's heartbreaking to see an intelligent person become so decimated by their disease.
But you shouldn't take it personally. Ever.
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