andyroo72

I don't think I'm in a particularly good space right now. I haven't had a drink for maybe six weeks. I'd like to say that feels good, but it really doesn't.

The situation I'm in isn't that easy, really. I haven't worked for more than 5 years and there are far too many hours in the day. I really want to stop smoking cigarettes and pot and I've been putting some effort into cutting way back. I'm depressed, which is something of an admission, really. I've got PTSD, chronic episodic depression and other stuff. I've increased my antidepressants which hopefully will make some difference. The anti psychotics I'm taking are making me fat. Or it could be that I'm eating too much. So much has changed that I'm not sure which. Either way, it sucks.

I dunno, I'm just hating everything. Nothing is making me happy. I feel hopeless and pointless. Every day is just a grind, really.

My 'intellectual head' knows a few things. I'm exaggerating these problems. I need to break out this cycle. It gets bad before it gets better. I'm being childish in my expectations. All that wise sh*t. But me, myself and I sure as hell don't feel those things. I just feel stuck in a grim existence that I cant (wont!) change.

Meh. I dunno. A little voice keeps whispering in my ear that drinking would be a really really clever thing to do right now. At least I've got enough perspective to squash that particular idea.

PurpleKnight

It's early days, 6 weeks isn't enough time to complete overhaul your lifestyle after years of drinking, it'll get better with time, but unfortunately time ticks away at it's own speed!!

Hang in there!!

zerothehero

Just a couple of thoughts. First, weed won't help with depression (and I'm sure you know alcohol is a depressant). Also, since you're unemployed, can you get out of the house? It seems to me you need to actively engage somehow. "Too many hours in the day" calls for a creative solution - volunteer - art - doing something other than hanging out and bemoaning your existence. Just my two cents.

SusanE

Would some sort of project help you? Something that needs to be done, or exercise or even reading a book?

Dee74

I gotta side with Zero Andy.

Based on my own experience, if you're smoking weed, your meds might not be doing much.

I also found being home and feeling unfulfilled is not gonna help much with depression either no matter how many meds you're on.

Have you thought of doing some volunteer work? Get out of the house, things to do, build up some self esteem again cos you're doing something for other people, and it looks good on a CV

D

andyroo72

Hey there,

Thanks for your responses :=] There's a lot of stuff going on for me right now- I think it's handy to break it down to just a couple of issues, so thanks for helping me get a bit clear on that.

The weed issue is a bit of a funny one. I actually don't really want to be smoking pot at the moment- it actually doesn't even give me a good buzz any more for any length of time. My life isn't actually much different from before I stopped drinking in terms of what I do and who I spend time with. Pot (and alcohol) are just there, too much of the time. I do think I need to get staunch with marijuana. Part of me thinks "I shouldn't try and give up too much at once," but that's really stoopid when I actually don't want to be smoking pot anyway. It's not really a negative if I almost completely WANT to not smoke the stuff. Well, that was almost positive :=]

As far as having too much time on my hands goes, yes I do need to pick up some work or a hobby or something like that. One that involves other people! I'm really unconfident though, that's my stumbling block. I guess I just have to remember that starting doing something is hugely harder than maintaining doing it, if that makes sense.

I was out and about this morning and popped into my local church for a pray. I started crying and realised, desperately, that I can't do this on my own. There's just too much, too many hard things. My reference points have disappeared, my whole world has shifted and I can't quite keep up with it. I want so much and don't know how to get it. I (brattily) wish there was a button I could push to fix things and I'm having an internal tantrum because that just aint the way the world works or could possibly work.

I decided to go to an AA meeting (at another church!) Unfortunately, the church hall it's meant to be in was closed. We had a biggish earthquake here last year and it's apparently not safe. Was that God telling me not to go to AA. I think it's more like God is tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Man up, boyo, it's not that hard and I still love you." I'm not sure how that made sense, but it did.

courage2

Hey Andy -- I've found AA really helpful, because like you, I realized I can't do it on my own, and I need some live sober people to help me.

I can't imagine that smoking weed is in any way helping you. My gut instinct is that it's delaying your sobriety. Sobriety is actually pretty incredible, though it takes a little getting used to -- I recommend you don't put it off another day!

MelindaFlowers

Andy,
Great point about starting to do something is much harder than maintaining it. I started going to the gym a few weeks ago and the first day my legs felt like they were made of concrete. Now I include going to the gym in my day without even thinking about it much. My legs no longer feel like concrete. Do I look forward to it? No! But I do it anyways cuzz sometimes we need to kick ourselves in the a** and do s*** we don't want to do at first. Pardon my language. I cussed at myself a lot to make myself go to the gym! Keep us posted.