Abeautifulmess

I don't know where to begin. I'm new here, and just reading all of your stories helps a great deal.

My ex and I would have been together for two years this month, and engaged for a year if he didn't hurt me in the worst way and cheat on me in our bed, if he didn't relapse over five times (with therapy and meds too), if he didn't drink every day behind my back at work, and if he really stayed true to his sobriety as he said he would. We started off as the picture perfect couple. It took eight months into the relationship to realize he had a problem with the very thing I'd been so casual with. Eight months too late because I was so in love. He was my best friend. He knew all of my secrets. He supported my three year recovery from my eating disorder and made sure I never relapsed. He made me feel so comfortable in my skin. We got engaged despite his growing problem because it seemed fixable. He'd get clean, we'd get married, and move away. Of course that didn't happen because fast forward to now, it took six break ups, for this one to be final. For me to say enough is enough and to block his number.

I just feel so drained of all the joy and happiness that was me before I got involved with him. I feel used and taken advantage of. He brought so much bad out of me that I needed to start antidepressants. He turned into such an ugly person. Why is it that every single time he's sober for a month, he expresses suicidal ideations and thoughts of his next relapse? Is he doing this purposely to push me away? We were on the rode to reconciliation for the fifth time, and I'm thinking that this is it. He cheated, he lied, he wasn't himself. It was his addiction. He is back again. Then he slipped away.

Everything Ive done, didn't work. I supported him in every way despite him not working. I've dumped him. He dumped me. What I thought was love brought us back together. I felt sorry and blamed his father because he's an alcoholic. I blamed his family for being enablers. I let his lies and his manipulation slide and I blamed it on his illness. What happened to me? Will I ever not feel jaded anymore? I let someone who I loved so much use me as a doormat and now he's working again, socializing, talking to other women, and Im licking my wounds, not knowing where to pick up from. After going no contact for the what feels like the twentieth time, Why can't I feel like me again, like how he's feeling like himself again? Why do I want him to suffer like I am suffering? It feels as though everything was a lie.

lillamy

Welcome to SR -- I'm glad you're here, but I'm sorry your life has taken you places where you need to be here.

I hear your pain through your words.

Here's what I know: What appears to be him having his life together and being himself is very likely only a temporary thing before the next relapse. "Don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides," someone here told me.

Another thing I try to remember is that just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't real. I am sure there was love in your relationship. I'm sure it wasn't all a lie, even if it feels like it today.

Addictions are hell. Someone here said it was like her husband was cheating on her, except not with another woman but with a bottle. The drinking, for an alcoholic, takes over. It becomes THE priority. Before wife, before kids, before family, before work, before health.

When I left my ex, after 20 years of marriage, he turned from being a sad sack who drank in front of the TV every night to being a social butterfly. He dated young skinny blondes; he was out in bars and at parties; it looked on the surface like he was having the time of his life. Meanwhile, I was picking up the pieces of me and the children and feeling very much like you did -- how on earth did I get stuck with all the pain, and how is that fair?

I think reality is that you are, as I was, feeling the pain while he is dulling his. And pain -- well, it doesn't go away if you ignore it. The only way is through. And you're doing that. And it's painful. But I got through it, and you will, too.

I recognize this a lot. One thing I did was get back in touch with my old friends, who had known me before I met my ex. People who could remind me of who I used to be. That really helped me find my way.

For me, learning about alcoholism was also helpful. I started going to Al-Anon meetings four years before I left my ex. I learned how the disease of alcoholism affects not just the person who drinks, but the people who love the alcoholic as well. I learned how to separate what was his issues from what was my issues. And, maybe most importantly of all, I got to spend an hour every meeting with people who were like me. With people who got it. Who could laugh and cry with me without judging.

And I started posting and reading here. Those two things were free things that didn't cost me a penny. I also went to therapy, both to figure out what it was in me that made me hang on to a clearly dysfunctional relationship for so long and to get over the guilt I felt for breaking up my marriage.

There is a lot of help to be had, and you don't have to walk this road alone. (((hugs)))

lovefist

Beautymess, you made the right decision. Take care of yourself first.
Your SO needs to take responsibility for himself. Your wounds will
heal with time. Keep visiting this sight! Best of luck.

SparkleKitty

I have so been where you are right now, my friend. I am several years out of my relationship with XABF, and can confidently say that working on myself, understanding why I made the choices I made despite lots of red flags, has made all the difference towards a better, healthier relationship with myself. Having that has allowed my relationships with others, including my now-husband, to flourish and thrive. Most of all, I learned that my XABF (and my A-Mom, while we're at it), did not suffer with alcoholism AT me. It was not personal. And it did not have to define me.

Please stick around for support and experience. Sending you strength and courage to move forward.

m1k3

Me too! Been there, done that.

All the advice you have been given has been spot on. I read something that make a lot of sense to me when I was going through this.

The person who put the most into a relationship has the most to lose.

Your friend,

AnvilheadII

what you are going thru right now emotionally sounds perfectly normal post-break up. you're grieving. you're questioning everything. you're sad. it took a lot out of you to finally make that final break and i bet you are pretty exhausted with it all.

healing takes time. it sounds there was a LOT Of drama and chaos in the course of the relationship and it's for the best that you are no longer stuck in the alligator swamp.

Argnotthisagain

I've survived where you're at too. Oh, it's NOT FUN---I'm sorry that you're going through this. There were a lot of times when I thought I couldn't survive it for one more minute.

The loss brings up all our old losses and traumas, too. So the pain isn't just about him, although it feels like he was the One True Love. Really, the A reminds us of a mix of experiences we had in the past, stuff we need to stop reacting to. Stuff that hurt us and we need to build up our inner strength and self-love, change our ways of thinking and reacting, facing our neediness, in order to transform ourselves.

Even though losing someone destructive is the best thing for us, all our patterns that led us into accepting such chaos, or drama, or seduction...whatever pulled us in, whatever red flags we denied...it doesn't feel like it's good for us. It feels awful! Really really REALLY painful. Be sure to be very kind to yourself and get support.

It takes time to heal...and then more time to work on ourselves until we're fairly whole again.

This has been how it's going in my experience, anyway---and I'm *still* working on changing old self-sabotage, and developing better self-care and discipline.

Hope this makes sense...I've noticed that when I'm on my mobile it's hard to check before sending!