JaneLane

Hi everyone,

I'm on my fourth day sober and I fought massive cravings last night and today. I have been going to meetings but although I'm only four days in, the sense of shame about my drinking is easily the biggest reason why I want to drink, emotionally (I'm still withdrawing physically but the trigger in my head has always been a sense of anxiety, embarrassment, etc).

I'm writing a lot but I feel like such a huge failure. I feel like I've let absolutely everybody down. Sobriety scares me because what if I drink again, and I disappoint everyone all over again?

I've put a huge sense of pressure on myself and I can't get out from it.

Any tips would be amazing.

Gronk

I was feeling it last night night......BUT.....it is now Saturday morning, I'm drinking a cup of coffee, and ready to face a new day. Sober.

I can't change the past. I am ashamed of what has happened. But in the absence of a time machine, there is nothing I can do about it.

You are supposed to feel ashamed. Use that shame as a vehicle for having another good day(just like your past 3 going on 4) to have one more day where you do not add to the bad list, but add to the now growing list of good things. (like me, sitting here drinking a cup of coffee with no alcohol in my system, that is another check in the positive column)

PurpleKnight

Hey Jane, at some point we have to get off the drinking merry-go-round, you have these feelings about your drinking, you then feel the need to drink again, you then drink, more things happen, and so the cycle will continue!!

Break it down and keep it simple, no alcohol today, don't worry about tomorrow or next week, only today, you just need to make it to bedtime tonight, and then you get another day to do the same!!

You can do this!!

awholenewlife52

Hi Jane,

I have struggled too with feelings of shame about the drinking past, I think just about everyone here probably has.

The way I'm looking at it now (with help from the folks on here) is that you just cannot change the past. All you can do is go forward and do better from here on in. I know it can be easier said than done to think like this, but it's really all we can do.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself, again easier said than done I know!

Try to see quitting drinking as not giving up anything, but instead gaining limitless freedom.

Thinking of you.

northof49

Morning Jane, we've heard it time and time again, but it is really just one day at a time! We've all done shameful things, drunk and sober, but letting go of the past and moving forward is so important. And you're not doing this for everyone else, you're doing it for you! Of course others will be appreciative of the new you, and it will take some time to regain trust, but at the end of the day, if you pick up again, the only one you're really letting down is yourself!

There will be tough times ahead, use whatever resources you need to get through those times, and when you start feeling the new you, it will get better and easier!

SoberHoopsFan

Give yourself a little sober time, guilt and shame subside. You can't change the past, and some of our actions and decisions while drunk may always haunt us to an extent, but you can't dwell on them. Focus on the person you want to become rather than the person you were.

biminiblue

I've said it before, but it bears repeating:

Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.

Most people aren't going to hold your past against you - they are too worried about their own issues. Keep doing the next right thing and everything is going to be fine.

ScottFromWI

Jane, you should be proud of your 4 days sober, the first week is very tough and you are still possibly in the acute withdrawal phase. Things will feel out of whack for a while, bit it will improve. Every day you stay sober is proof to yourself and others that you are serious about this. Since you cannot undo the past, focus your energy on what is most important to you...which is staying sober today. Busy work and simple tasks around home or taking a walk are easy things you can do to keep your mind from wandering. Be strong today..worry about tomorrow when it comes, and don't worry about yesterday as it cannot be changed.

ESD907

Guilt and Shame are good emotions if you use them as teaching tools. Never do anything to make you feel that way again. Thats how you win. Eventually those feelings fade as your prove it to yourself that you can be sober, guilt free and shame free. Every day will be better. You can do this.

Wastinglife

Hi Jane, I know exactly what you are going through. Alcohol took everything I had in life away from me. Career, house, car, girlfriend, money, and my health were all lost in the chaos. I am sober, but only now dealing with all the shame and guilt from years past as I used to just drink away any negative emotions.

What your are going through is unavoidable for most addicts as they enter recovery. I deal with the shame and guilt by acknowledging that the drunk and addicted me is not even remotely who I am as a person. That was a sick man who needed help. I know that I can be someone to be proud of someday instead of being filled with despair and anger if I stay sober.

Day 4 is sill very early and your emotions will be raw for a while but I promise you that things will improve if you stay sober.

SonomaGal

Hi Jane - first off, it will get better! Secondly, the feelings of guilt and shame lessen (and/or can be dealt with better) the longer you stay sober.

You might benefit from this wonderful podcast from the Bubble Hour on shame and guilt: The Bubble Hour: Shame. How It Hurts Our Recovery, And Ways To Overcome

All their podcasts have been very helpful for me and I hope they will help you too!

EndGameNYC

Hello, JL.

You may find something good for yourself from reading through a recent thread on the destructive elements of continuing to shame ourselves, in addition to other enlightening comments on the subject:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-harmless.html

Fly N Buy

I have written this previously on a post, but something a sponsor said to me really stuck with me and helps a lot for me......Each day that we don't drink is making amends to those we love (including ourselves).

We can't have 4 years of sobriety in 4 days - just doesn't happen. BUT you can make amends daily if you remember what this ole timer said to me about 60 days ago!!

Glad your here!!!

giochick

I understand what you are going through. I am still in early recovery (27 days) and the feelings of guilt and shame that have been surfacing have been especially difficult. Like others have suggested, I think it really helps to try and use those feelings in a positive way. Let them stand as a reminder for why you doing this. Make them work for you. Flynbuy had great advice when he said that "You are making living amends to yourself, family and friends everyday you don't drink". (and Flynbuy, you posted that on a thread I started a couple weeks ago that was also about guilt and shame. I can't tell you how much it helped me, and continues to help me).

Nuudawn

I think what you are feeling is inherent to early sobriety. The first light of sobriety clarity is a bit blinding and painful. I remember that feeling of "oh geez, maybe I just want to crawl back under the drunk rock...I want denial and unconsciousness back! I can't face this"...

Yes, you can. We cannot change what we have done in the past but we can change today...and every day forward.

Make no mistake...sobriety requires persistent, continuous effort..but it's work that starts to feel GOOD rather than bad in very short order. Brick by sober brick you start putting your life and your self esteem in place. You start building your very foundation of spirit and life.

Yes, the first few looks around our life are difficult and liable to make you wince a little..but it's normal. This is all the crap you are going to deal with and change.

And the whole fear of "losing your sobriety" and feeling like a failure...well, worry is apt to make it easier to lose.

We ALL could worry bout that one no matter how far down the line we are...but it serves no purpose. Stay sober today. Worry bout today. Worry bout the situation at hand.

None of us have any control over tomorrow.

Fly N Buy

It wasn't mine, have no trademarks - Just a mirror of others! Share freely!

Mountainmanbob

The best way in which for us to make amends is to do it One Day At A Time being and staying sober.

I had a lot of close ones very disappointed with me the last two times in which I drank. I messed up in the neighborhood also (very embarrassing). For many months I hung my head down very low as I was driving in and out on this old dirt road.

The good news
(If) we stay sober as they say (time heals all)

MM

Tonymblue

Youre doing great. Four days is a great feat. Remember during withdrawals feelings of shame are normal. They will pass. Be proud of your accomplishment.

Dee74

Hi Jane

I had to flip the scenario over.
All I had to do was not raise a glass of a particular kind of liquid to my lips.

I dunno if it works for anyone else, but that kind of rock bottom to do list helped release the pressure.

I had to change my lifestyle. I tried to avoid alcohol for a while. I also lent very strongly on support - and I learned to reach out and ask for help.

simple, basic, but I think it works

D