Try18

The sober me and the drunk one. I don't know the latter, but I do know it's the sober me who lets her out, then has to face the horrible circumstances.

Had a binge of a few days. Behaved terribly. On day two now. I had reached about 3 months, but I started hanging with old friends, wet places, then isolating myself from people who are good for me. No AA, no SR.

Just wish I could understand why I sabotage my own life this way. It never gets better. Only worse.

Wanted to share, sorry for rambling. Looking forward to being part of the twenty four hour thread again.

HeadLump

(((((Try)))))

It is because you are an alcoholic and sabotage is what we do

I'm so pleased you're back and trying again xx

Aellyce

Hi, what kind of approaches have you tried for recovery? Based on what you wrote:

I feel that you could perhaps use AVRT successfully, to control your cravings? Maybe as a supplement to AA and SR?

Try18

Thankyou. I just noticed it will be a year since I joined the site next month. That feels quite demotivating, that I'm still messing up

Going to a meeting tonight, not got a great plan of action yet, just going to keep it in today.

I feel like I know the meaning of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Try18

I've never tried AVRT, although I heard of it on here. Thankyou. I know nothing about it so will have a look.

Therapy, AA, rehab, CA. I started CBT not long before my relapse. Never touched the twelve steps past a certain point, that is also worth looking into.

Nonsensical

I also felt like 2 people - a rational one who knew I drank too much and an alcoholic who didn't care about the consequences of my drinking, I just wanted to drink. I thought I might be going insane because of the constant battle in my head between knowing I should not drink, and wanting to drink.

After joining this site I was relieved to learn that I was not alone. Many people hooked on the bottle experience this -and many of us have learned how to defeat that insipid voice in our heads that is always saying next time will be different.

You can do this, too. Check the Secular Connections forum for more details. It could change your life. it changed mine.

You can do this.

Try18

There is such an overwhelming amount of information out there!

I like your quote in your signature, nonsensical. Never heard that one before.

Gronk

I JUST had this discussion with myself and wife 9 days ago (day after my ast drink) for the first time.

I knew about the two different people I was - morning and evening, I was surprised at how much my wife knew and did not like the night time me.

You are so right by the way, I have the key to the cell that releases the drunk me. I have fought against unlocking the door, driven past bars/liquor stores, and just gone home, only to succumb later in the evening.

(9 days dry)

doggonecarl

I don't think it's necessary to "understand why" to quit. But to stop doing it, you have to quit.

Good luck.

hayley86

Glad you're back, trying again. Keep moving forward.

Try18

One of my problems doggonecarl, I think too much, not enough action.

Altoids

Yeah, combining a few methods works better for me. AA alone didn't do it for me. I use AVRT a lot, but still go to AA meetings for the support and face to face camaraderie.

I started to disconnect from my "tribe" here and a friend told me this the other day which really made sense to me. She said that if I needed dialysis, I would never skip an appointment. Our "disease" is no different and AA is our "dialysis." It was like, DOH!!! I start feeling stronger and complacency creeps in, I start isolating. . .and, well, we all knows what happens next. I'm so glad she saw me starting to disconnect again. Yep, going to my appts on schedule now.. . .even if I don't feel like I need it, bc that is probably when I need it the most.

It takes all of us working the problem together to make this happen. Thanks for helping keep me in check today. (((hugs)))

Try18

Very true, altoids. Wouldn't stop taking heart medication just because I started feeling a bit better. I struggle a lot with isolating and shut people out, so people don't know how I am quite a lot of the time. Perhaps a move to be much more open, as of now.

Nonsensical

Breathtakingly bad decision making is a hallmark of addiction. Differentiation between thoughts and feelings is difficult, anxiety is high, cognitive dissonance reigns, and poor choices get made. AVRT can help you understand and overcome that. You'll find it in Secular connections.

ForgetfulKevin

On the other hand, you're still trying. That's something positive and very important!

SoberHoopsFan

Yep, I always looked at myself as me and HIM - me was responsible and wanted to achieve things in life, behave morally, etc. HE was immoral, self-destructive, maniacal. Felt like two people. And definitely felt like I lost my sanity. As you say, recognizing my AV has been of great help in batting it away.

To the OP, mix it up this time in your recovery, 3 months is still an achievement, you must have done something that worked during that time.

PurpleKnight

You can do this!! SR is in your corner!!

Pairs

I'm so new, only 8 months sober today, but having tried so, so many times before, I'm hopeful. YOU can get there, too!! Please try not to focus on the "so many times" yourself. If you can, focus on that you DO keep trying. This resulted in success for my mom, who remained sober for 18 years before her death (not alcohol related), and now me. I was SO discouraged that nothing would ever change. But it's the trying that will make it so. Don't give up!! No one here will give up on you, and neither will I. I'm not giving up on me, and I sure won't on you!! Big hugs.

Try18

Thanks for all your support. Went to a meeting tonight and got some hope, as I do from you all. Walking home after amongst all the drunk people falling over themselves to get to the off license by 10pm was me just a few days ago. Stark reality check. For me this really is choose life (sobriety) or drink...which is to die. Gratitude that I will go to bed tonight sober.

aborkie

One side wants to quit. The other side wants to put it off until tomorrow.