courage2

Because it's what I really want. And so I'd want it the next morning, and the next. And it wouldn't be enough, so I'd want a quart. And would get it, because in for a penny, you know? And then I'd be back where I started. My body falling to pieces, shakes & dry heaves every morning, perpetually failing at work, zoned out or shut down from any human relationship.

So instead.

I have to keep searching for a meaning that will sustain me, just through the day. And on the days that I don't find it, I have to seek comfort in small things until the next day, when I can try again.

It can be good! Really, I know that. And when there's a stretch that isn't, I have to remember to be grateful that it isn't much, much worse.

Hugs to all who are struggling. You're not alone. Patience and one another for company will see us through.

PurpleKnight

nice post!!

ReadyAtLast

Sorry to hear you're struggling.We are here for you.You can do this and the bad feelings will pass, or at least lessen in intensity

SparkyMcSparky

Courage, I am totally with you. What harm would half a pint or a black and tan do?

But it's not the first pint, it's the 8 or so that follow it.

courage2

Thanks, purpleknight, Ready, and Sparky.

But I'm afraid it IS the first pint. It really is.

GracieLou

I agree, nice post.

When I quit I had a ½ gallon liquor bottle in my fridge with about 2 inches of whiskey left in it.

Every time it would pass my thoughts the only thing that came to mind was “It is not enough” so I just left it there. I would see it back there every now and then. There were times I would forget and then I would lean down to get something and I would see it and I was afraid of it.

That recoil like from a hot flame. Like a snake waiting to strike.

I left it there for six months until I found the courage to dump it out. Hang in there, it gets better.

SparkyMcSparky

If you never have the first, you don't need to worry about the 8th.

soberclover

At least we don't have to struggle alone

JaneLane

This is a lovely post. I really appreciate it right now. I'm newly sober so having that feeling of, "Oh, maybe just one..." is still in my head but I'm replacing it with positive thoughts.

SparkyMcSparky

Nice to see you Jane,

As some others say, remember to go to the end of the story.

Story starts with "Oh maybe just one..."

Story does not have a happy ending at "Man was that great, think it's time to go cut the grass"

Chapter ends at, "Got a DUI", or "Barfed on myself", or "Made an embarrassing ass of myself", or "Feel like crap, and feel like crap about myself too."

Story ends at, "Died alone without family" or "Died in drunk driving accident", or "Life was ruined by killing a family of four in a drunk driving accident", or.......

desypete

how i remember trying to drink half pints when i was out so that i didnt end up getting drunk and making a fool of myself or end up in a fight
how i just wanted to go out and have a good night and not end up with the shame and guilt the next morning : )

funny how i progressed from half pint to drinking 24 / 7
: )

soberjuly

I'm convinced once I start drinking my brain WON'T give up until it's had it's fill. One drink would just make me angry and the anger would lead to justifications until I had what my brain wanted.

desypete

for me one drink just made me hunger for more, there was no off switch for my drinking i would drink until i was falling over drunk most of the time. and i never wanted to end up that way

i would only go out for a couple of drinks, right from an early age my drinking was the same drink to get smashed
no wonder no one wanted me around or i didnt get invited to partys as they knew the trouble i would cause

all because one drink sets it off and leads to another and another

courage2

Yes, one drink sets it off. It's a powerful system in the alcoholic brain that has taught itself to think that more is the solution. The first thing the taste of alcohol does for me is make me want another. I have to be very careful not even to think about the taste, look, or smell of a drink, or even the paraphrenalia around drinking, because it leads me there. Inevitably.

So. Today has turned out better than it started. Thanks to everyone here who understands.

If you're struggling with non-sober thoughts, don't indulge in them, but post, post, post!

Gilmer

I am glad, Courage!

SunsetTattoo

I can't buy half a pint because half a pint doesnt work.

desypete

i think you misunderstood that craving the drink gave me my first ever drink was when i was just 11 years old i hid under a table at my brother 18 party and people kept on seeing my hand come from under the and scoop up the booze from the punch bowl lol

i remember going around everyone crying and telling my brother how much i loved him and the purple coloured sick i had after throwning up, i felt so ashamed of myself the next day but everyone else thought it was funny

little did i know then that it was the first sign for me of what my life drinking would be like
once i took the first drink i craved more and more when aa first explained that to me in the drs opinion well i nearly fell over
all my life i wanted to know why i couldnt drink like others and there was the answer right there for me to see

pitty it took me so long and so many failed attempts to control my drinking as i never stood a chance, once i took that first drink it was game over most of the time,

Dee74

Thanks for a great post Courage

D

Anna

Great post, Courage!