Applekat

Quick version. Sober journey begins April 23, 2014. I know I have had an abuse problem for years. Post college.

Sober during pregnancies, husband thinks I just love wine. I know I think about it WAY TOO MUCH.

On and off weeks and days of sobriety, without telling anyone. Obviously unsuccessful overall.

Please, those of you who can relate - how did you get past the type A personality of perfectionism, kids (2.5 and 4.5), husband who works long hours. Every.single.reason. To Drink. Why wouldn't you????? Kids misbehave, hubby works late, you gained 30 lbs...

I'm an intelligent woman. 32. So, why can't I confide in my husband, sisters, best friend. Why do I insist on bearing this hardship on.my.own??

Mountainmanbob

that's a hard one to answer

possibly pride is in the way ??

you say that you are a perfectionist
in a perfect marriage we share our deepest thoughts with our mates

this should bring you much relief
and keep you from planting seeds that may sabotage your marriage

MM

DisplacedGRITS

Pride kept me from honesty for many years. I had to lay my pride aside and place honesty above embarrassment. I had to learn that humility was a gateway to a new way of life, where humiliation something i created by myself when i valued my pride above everything. You can either save your ass or your face. Save your ass.

You list reasons to drink. How about reasons not to drink? If you fear sobriety because you're worried about what you'll be losing think about this...you'll be losing waking up in fear. You'll lose a life of self centeredness. You'll lose that feeling that you're constantly running from a monster that's constantly biting at your heels. You'll lose a life in which you have to lie to survive.

I've found help both here and through the doors of AA. I've met many other women who i can relate to and who have helped me find a new way of living. I've found a whole new way of life. I no longer have to drink. I simply don't live a life where drinking is necessary. Honesty has gone from something which terrified me to something i cherish. I am in control of my emotions like i never have been. I find myself thinking about what i can do for others instead of what i can do for myself.

You don't ever have to feel the way you feel right now ever again.

Verte

This is a great question to ask oneself. From your post, it sounds like you have been questioning something for a very long time - for many years and much life experience.

I suppose you have to ask yourself what it truly is. And why this it appears to bother you to your core?

This post is meant in all seriousness - not mocking or obtuse. When I stopped drinking at the end of April this year, I came here to SR with an ache because I could not figure out what the fu$% exactly had turned from a nagging into a scream. The part that really bothered me was that it was a scream that only I could hear for so many years. Like a whistle at a pitch that only dogs can hear and is painful and inescapable? This scream was at a fevered pitch yet not loud enough for practically everyone around me to hear. And those around me definitely could not see it. So I found myself continually asking WTF?

The crazy part is that just 3 months since taking my last drink...there is 100% certainty that I had to stop drinking to start getting answers to the question of WTF. But this is just my crazy protracted experience with alcohol. Yours could very well be much more straightforward.

What is the hardship that you are bearing on your own? And why does it bother you? I say stop drinking. Period. And find out.

MythOfSisyphus

Sometimes we fool ourselves into believing the lies, too. It doesn't truly become real until we admit it to someone else. Then it becomes undeniable.

Dee74

I couldn't admit there was a problem I couldn't solve.
But learning to reach out and ask for help probably saved my life applekat

D

Applekat

Thanks all.

A different feeling of desperation last night than ever before.

Day 1 and while I know I'm SO relieved in that, I have lots to think about and do this time around. Otherwise it won't be any different.

GracieLou

Instead of thinking a lot, think differently.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Thinking about the same thing in the same way won't solve anything.

Something has to change. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity. I was insane for a long time.

I could not think my way out. I had to take action. The first action I took was to admit to myself, not to anyone else, just to myself that I was an alcoholic. Then I had to accept that fact. Once I could do that, the rest began to fall into place.

Whether you are an alcoholic is up to you. Nobody can tell you that. I think not telling others may be to maintain the secret. Once you admit it, there really is no going back.

doggonecarl

Time to tell your husband. Not telling isn't keeping you sober or accountable. Maybe telling him will give you another outlet to vent, and another pillar of support.

melki

Applekat, Right there with you (type A, husband working long hours, two kids, often stressed and exhausted). I'm sure you know in your heart there are no good reasons to drink and drinking will only make everything worse.

I agree it's time to tell your husband. You will have another level of accountability and support. Ultimately, it's your journey but get help wherever you can.

ccam1973

Applekat, we had the same initial sober date; April 23. After 32 days i relapsed and am on day 23 again today.

I agree with Carl and others. IMO, you need to tell you husband. I had to tell my wife, and this go around, i have told her the whole story.

The story that my every waking moment revolves around drinking. I would start at 9:30 on weekend mornings and sometimes around 11 at work on week days, alternating liquor stores every day not to look like a pathetic drunk, walking down the "middle clothes isles" at Walmart hoping not to see anyone i knew since my cart was full of beer and wine... anyway, I have told her the whole story.

Although she continues to drink, she understands that I can not and WILL NOT. I have lost so many past opportunities and potential memories that were stolen from me... But I allowed the thief into my body. 23 days ago, i decided to give up drinking for good. No more listening to that little voice and thinking that this decision is temporary. No more knowing in the back of my mind that ultimately I will drink during the holidays, drink on vacation, or drink just to DRINK. No more!

For me, I was robbing my kids of a full time father. Although I was always with my kids physically, mentally I was absent and only focused on drinking... My temper was short with them when drinking, I was grumpy, I didn't feel like I was being the father that my kids deserve; and this is time I can never get back, EVER!

I think you have to decide, for yourself, when it is time to say NO MORE. Easier said than done, I know, but for me, worth every ounce of effort i put into being sober.

You can do this!

Best of luck and we are all here to support you!

giochick

I am in early recovery (23 days) and I only told my family and closest friends a few days ago. I had originally planned on saying nothing until I had a little more sobriety under my belt, because like you, I am a type A perfectionist and I always feel compelled to do things perfectly, and I hate for people to see me fail. But I really had to analyze why I was trying to do this on my own, and I realized that I had two reasons for not being honest about my sobriety with those closest to me. One is the obvious, I didn't want to disappoint anyone if I failed. But then I realized that by doing that, what I was really doing was leaving myself an "out". If no one knew I had tried to get sober, I could still fail (read drink again) and no one would know. I was deliberately not telling people because I knew that by doing so, I would be adding another layer and level of accountability. So I made the decision to tell my family, SO, and a few friends.

hopeful4

Addiction causes isolation, it's that simple. Isolation for the addicted and isolation for those that love you. If you open up and are honest, you will find that you open yourself up to a lot of love and support that I hear you needing right now.

You are not alone.

least

Confide in your husband and ask for his support.

petals

sounds like a lot of good advice....i too have told no-one yet.....
seems such a big and scary step to take.. but i can see it would close a door to more secrets...xx

melki

I can really relate, especially with the bolded part. to my fellow type A perfectionistas. Even now, if I'm abstaining from alcohol, I want to nail it brilliantly and be the poster child for sobriety. Last weekend, I wanted to write an insightful 1-month victory-speech-type post, full of reflections, but instead life kicked my butt. Today, when I opened a topic to vent, it was hard to honestly admit that I was a complete mess. At some point we have to face it and ask for help when we're struggling. A few weeks into sobriety, I told three close people about my problem and that I decided to abstain from now on. I'm glad I did. These people are interested in me succeeding, which is good to know. And there is that factor of accountability.

I hope you decide to confide in your husband or somebody close, I think you'll find a relief in it.

ESD907

I'm 3 days shy of 2 years sober. I never told a soul. But as someone pointed out, it could be my 'out'. I also have a husband who works very long hours, sometimes weeks/months away from home, and I'm with the children alone. A part of me doesn't say anything becaue I don't want the questions..Like if I'm tired, or not well....I'll get questioned like I'm guilty of drinking. My spouse is very hard that way, he has standards that are very difficult to live up to. I suppose my reasons are two fold..one I don't want to be grilled by him or anyone. two, perhaps somewhere in my mind I think someday I'll want to have a drink again..allthough I don't think so...there is always that chance. I think this is the 1st time I've admitted this.

JaneLane

I don't even know if it's pride, but it's definitely shame for me.
There are a couple of family members that are tee-total, including my fiance. Then there's everyone else in my family who abuse alcohol or are alcoholics. It's definitely a family problem.
Shame is a huge thing for me. I feel ashamed that I can't control my alcohol and drug intake.

Applekat

Wow ESD well done on almost 2 years!
I don't even know how to begin the conversation. And how much detail to go into.

360shoes

Hi Applekat,
I don't know about your situation but I started with telling my friends and family...
I don't want to drink any more. I want to be happy. I'm pretty sure I need to quit drinking to find myself again. This is what I want to do.

Pretty basic and simple. No one argued with me. Who is going to argue with someone who says they need to do something to find themselves and be happy?

We all had to start somewhere.

You can do it! And it is better not drinking. And you can find yourself and be happy.