How the meeting went with AH's doc.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
How the meeting went with AH's doc.
Last night I met with AH's doc, head nurse and the drug and alcohol counsellor at the detox centre, at Ah's request, with full disclosures already signed by him.
They were really supportive of me and kept emphasising that what I need to do is think about what I want, and what is best for me, and the kids. Reminded me to stop thinking about what HE wants, and focus on myself.
They did report lots of really positive things. They said that he's been very compliant (this might not seem extraordinary, but it is completely a word I would never associate with him), that he's fully participated and engaged in all the program's, has taken on extra duties at the centre as well as his own chores, and seems to be expressing a firm commitment and desire (at the moment) to change his life. They said he is starting to show insight, and that it is, and will continue to be a very painful process, but that he is being open about that. He's finding the shame hard to deal with, he's long felt it, but never spoken about it.
They say he is saying he wants this for himself, regardless of what happens to our family.
They told me that so far his plan consists of psychiatric treatment, SMART recovery, exploring out or inpatient rehab (tbd with psych), family therapy with a drug and alcohol counsellor if i will agree, and a variety of wholistic health measures.
They said they suspect a co-morbidity, which they believe might result in a diagnosis of chronic, major depression.
AH has asked to stay in an extra couple of days whilst he gets his plan firmly sorted and bedded down, and he wanted to be able to go straight to the psych, who is not available to see him until Monday.
They did say they believed that family support was important, but that his recovery would happen with or without that, and at no point should I feel compelled to have him in the home. That he has expressed that he would like to come home, but has no expectation that I'll agree and has explored alternative living arrangements with the counsellor. He also is by anxious about living with us whilst he is recovering, and has expressed that he doesn't want to it us through that, but is torn also by his desire to be here. He does want to see our son and is missing him terribly, but has told them that he will be guided by my boundaries around this and will agree to any terms suggested such as supervision etc.
So I will visit him on Thursday.
This is not a man I recognise....he has never been an alcoholic that professes he'll ever stop, moderate, none of that. He's always been blatant about his love for booze, that it comes first, and has easily stated he'd leave if I required hi to change his drinking ways. He's never admitted he understands the damage he dies to others.
So it's quite the 'turn around' in a week. Don't worry I am not totally without cynicism.
So I am just sitting with it at the moment, waiting for more to reveal itself to me.
Oh, and he rang today, to wish me luck for a major presentation I had on that I was really dreading and have been dreading for 2 months. Gosh only knows how he remembered that. It's been a long time since he noticed me, or expressed any interest in my career.
Weird.
Thanks for 'listening'!
They were really supportive of me and kept emphasising that what I need to do is think about what I want, and what is best for me, and the kids. Reminded me to stop thinking about what HE wants, and focus on myself.
They did report lots of really positive things. They said that he's been very compliant (this might not seem extraordinary, but it is completely a word I would never associate with him), that he's fully participated and engaged in all the program's, has taken on extra duties at the centre as well as his own chores, and seems to be expressing a firm commitment and desire (at the moment) to change his life. They said he is starting to show insight, and that it is, and will continue to be a very painful process, but that he is being open about that. He's finding the shame hard to deal with, he's long felt it, but never spoken about it.
They say he is saying he wants this for himself, regardless of what happens to our family.
They told me that so far his plan consists of psychiatric treatment, SMART recovery, exploring out or inpatient rehab (tbd with psych), family therapy with a drug and alcohol counsellor if i will agree, and a variety of wholistic health measures.
They said they suspect a co-morbidity, which they believe might result in a diagnosis of chronic, major depression.
AH has asked to stay in an extra couple of days whilst he gets his plan firmly sorted and bedded down, and he wanted to be able to go straight to the psych, who is not available to see him until Monday.
They did say they believed that family support was important, but that his recovery would happen with or without that, and at no point should I feel compelled to have him in the home. That he has expressed that he would like to come home, but has no expectation that I'll agree and has explored alternative living arrangements with the counsellor. He also is by anxious about living with us whilst he is recovering, and has expressed that he doesn't want to it us through that, but is torn also by his desire to be here. He does want to see our son and is missing him terribly, but has told them that he will be guided by my boundaries around this and will agree to any terms suggested such as supervision etc.
So I will visit him on Thursday.
This is not a man I recognise....he has never been an alcoholic that professes he'll ever stop, moderate, none of that. He's always been blatant about his love for booze, that it comes first, and has easily stated he'd leave if I required hi to change his drinking ways. He's never admitted he understands the damage he dies to others.
So it's quite the 'turn around' in a week. Don't worry I am not totally without cynicism.
So I am just sitting with it at the moment, waiting for more to reveal itself to me.
Oh, and he rang today, to wish me luck for a major presentation I had on that I was really dreading and have been dreading for 2 months. Gosh only knows how he remembered that. It's been a long time since he noticed me, or expressed any interest in my career.
Weird.
Thanks for 'listening'!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Those sound like good choices he is making right now. If he keeps the attitude he has now, he will be successful at recovery. It's very very good they have lined up an entire group of people to help see him through it. Only you can decide what you will do, but progress is progress. I would still watch from afar myself. As you said, more will be revealed.
Hugs..
Hugs..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Jarp.
This is good news. Isn't is sad that you have to take it with such a huge spoon full of grains of salt?
When I visited my H at rehab it was difficult for me. There was the man I love freakin sober and looking pretty good! Then he spoke with some sense and humility! It was everything I ever wanted but I still had to be practical and doubt...
Work both paths. Hugs to you!
This is good news. Isn't is sad that you have to take it with such a huge spoon full of grains of salt?
When I visited my H at rehab it was difficult for me. There was the man I love freakin sober and looking pretty good! Then he spoke with some sense and humility! It was everything I ever wanted but I still had to be practical and doubt...
Work both paths. Hugs to you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jarp......WOW! I can imagine that you feel like you have been transported to an alternate universe, right now.
For you, It would be like taking a starving person and placing a chocolate cake on the table...across from them. Then, telling them: "See that cake?.....you may get a piece of it......but, maybe you won't"
I'm so thankful that you have gotten some support under your belt...and, are able to understand that very watchful waiting is the most protective attitude for you to take. Like the old saying "Expect the best but prepare for the worst".
Also, I was glad to hear that there is no immediate plan for him to return home.
This time will be just as important for you as for him.
Stay living in reality, jarp.
I'm rooting for ya.
dandylion
For you, It would be like taking a starving person and placing a chocolate cake on the table...across from them. Then, telling them: "See that cake?.....you may get a piece of it......but, maybe you won't"
I'm so thankful that you have gotten some support under your belt...and, are able to understand that very watchful waiting is the most protective attitude for you to take. Like the old saying "Expect the best but prepare for the worst".
Also, I was glad to hear that there is no immediate plan for him to return home.
This time will be just as important for you as for him.
Stay living in reality, jarp.
I'm rooting for ya.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Wow Jarp. It really does sound like he has started down the right path. I hope he continues. This is the scenario that I dream of.
You're very wise to just wait and see. My AH showed really promising signs of wanting recovery and beginning to sincerely work at it, but it proved to be a false start.
You're a wise woman, look out for you.
Wishing you both the best.
You're very wise to just wait and see. My AH showed really promising signs of wanting recovery and beginning to sincerely work at it, but it proved to be a false start.
You're a wise woman, look out for you.
Wishing you both the best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
It sounds like you are getting good support from the medical and social work staff - that makes all the difference. It helps so much to be able to discuss the situation with professionals who are experienced with these situations. When one of my kids was hospitalized with mental health issues, I felt a 10-ton weight come off my shoulders just through the support of the staff.
It sounds like your AH is becoming aware and motivated Jarp. So that's great. It's just the first step though. Not even the first step...it's a necessary preparation for taking first step. It would be great if it were straight sailing from here. My experience is, it is good to keep an open mind but this is probably unlikely.
It sounds like your AH is becoming aware and motivated Jarp. So that's great. It's just the first step though. Not even the first step...it's a necessary preparation for taking first step. It would be great if it were straight sailing from here. My experience is, it is good to keep an open mind but this is probably unlikely.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm glad he's doing well but, as a recovering alcoholic (23 years), must point out that it doesn't mean he'll stay sober. Expectations create enormous problems for us. It's true that he will -- or won't -- get sober without you. The important thing is that you take care of yourself. I suggest Alanon, which helped save my sanity by giving support in a similar situation. God bless....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I almost forgot Jarp, I wanted to tell you I was happy to see your husband is going to use SMART recovery as "part" of his program. I am a member of their online site and often read the journals posted by people in recovery. If you have a chance I would say check these out. The Smart tools are also for family too as they are based on behavioral therapy methods.
I was doing my own counseling for a long time and then I heard about CRAFT from another member here. I asked my rehab counselor about it and she said basically she had been guiding me with these principles but not officially. I decided to start learning the Community Reinforcement /Family Training method. This is the program SMART suggests for family members.
Its twofold. The focus is always on YOU first, but then what I love about it, the part where it teaches you to focus a lot on active listening and communicating with your partner, learning healthy ways to support recovery, and overall its just makes me feel really positive and good about what Im doing. We do family counseling, and working on my communication skills has helped me get more out of it.
I was doing my own counseling for a long time and then I heard about CRAFT from another member here. I asked my rehab counselor about it and she said basically she had been guiding me with these principles but not officially. I decided to start learning the Community Reinforcement /Family Training method. This is the program SMART suggests for family members.
Its twofold. The focus is always on YOU first, but then what I love about it, the part where it teaches you to focus a lot on active listening and communicating with your partner, learning healthy ways to support recovery, and overall its just makes me feel really positive and good about what Im doing. We do family counseling, and working on my communication skills has helped me get more out of it.
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