Relationships / Alcoholism
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Relationships / Alcoholism
I think that most alcoholics are terrible at relationships.. I know I was. The thing about alcohol, for me, is that it changed me from a quiet, insecure, inhibited, inconfident (unconfident? nonconfident? there's a red line under all of these so I have no idea) person into an outgoing, witty (so I thought), charming guy that I figured people wanted to be around more than my true self. My non-drunk self. I'm 34 now, and I've been a pretty torrid drinker for the past 15 years up til these past six months (which have been the best of my life, by far).
I've thought a lot about my past relationships, not to dwell on them or focus on regrets or any of that, because I honestly don't think regrets do any kind of good, but just because I'm curious. And I feel that, because I was an alcoholic, I sort of just melted into these relationships, not really giving my authentic self to my girlfriend.. I mean, almost every single one of them I met while I was drunk, and the natural thing would be to "go out for drinks" at the start, so my fake, drunk self was really the main person in the relationship, at least at the start.
As the years went on, I drank more and more, and the line between my true self and my "new and improved drunk self" got blurry. This is more of a problem than it sounds I think.. you never really know who you are. Am I shy? Or am I outgoing? Am I confident? It's like two different people are merged into one, but sometimes one person takes over, and sometimes the other one takes over, with remnants of the other still in the background. It makes everything chaotic. I was drinking every day, and it was working for me - until it stopped working. I know that, in any given situation, I could drink alcohol and be that confident, outgoing, friendly person that I believed people were drawn to over the years. See, the thing about alcohol, for me, was that it allowed me to go back into that room in the back of my mind and draw the shades. When things got too real, too tense, too personal, too (insert situation here), I always knew I could go back to that mental room and draw the shades. It was an escape of reality. When I was in a situation, at a gathering, with a person, at home alone, alcohol provided an escape. So I grasped onto it. And it worked, until it didn't.
So anyway, some might say tragically, I don't feel I ever really developed a true connection in any past relationships because of my alcoholic ways. Because of that back room escape, I guess I was never emotionally invested into anyone. I suppose it may have originated when I was growing up, I could never really talk to my dad unless he was having drinks. He went from a quiet, depressed, anti-social guy to a happy, social, funny guy after his first beer. This is what I know. When I got older, I used to sit and drink with him because this is the only time I could really talk to him. It's weird. Maybe all this time I was using alcohol to create a connection, which in fact it was doing just the opposite. I think with us alcoholics, that "back room in our minds where we draw the shades" shows itself in more ways than just alcohol (for example, I will watch TV series show-after-show, in marathons, all day). I don't know, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, the bottom line is, I feel that I have been able to quit and stay quit because I better understand why I drank. I don't know if I would ever be able to fix myself if I didn't become aware of it.. because how can you fix something if you don't know what it is? Everyone is different, I know. Some people have had traumatic life altering situations, where I know I've thought (no wonder he/she drinks), but in reality, I don't think many people will be able to tell you exactly when their drinking became a problem. For myself, I never had any traumatic experiences. I had a great upbringing, if not emotionally detached from my dad, but I mean, that's the worst of it. I had everything I ever wanted, went to a good school, have always had a good career, everything I could ever ask. I guess it could happen to anybody, I don't suppose it can be completely answered by genetics or upbringing.
Of course, alcoholism eventually brings devastation. It was wrecking my life. I narrowly avoided terrible situations, but experienced my fair share of bad ones and luckily I escaped without too many problems. It's progressive of course, so I would eventually lose everything and everyone, so I realized I had to quit. That 6 pack of beer each night became 8, then became 10, 12, the last time I drank I was up to like 20 (seriously). That's wild, man! 20 beer in one day. That's the end of the line, it's where I get off. It's my stop.
Anyway, this message is a lot longer than I had intended haha. Sorry for the ramble! Have a delicious day!
I've thought a lot about my past relationships, not to dwell on them or focus on regrets or any of that, because I honestly don't think regrets do any kind of good, but just because I'm curious. And I feel that, because I was an alcoholic, I sort of just melted into these relationships, not really giving my authentic self to my girlfriend.. I mean, almost every single one of them I met while I was drunk, and the natural thing would be to "go out for drinks" at the start, so my fake, drunk self was really the main person in the relationship, at least at the start.
As the years went on, I drank more and more, and the line between my true self and my "new and improved drunk self" got blurry. This is more of a problem than it sounds I think.. you never really know who you are. Am I shy? Or am I outgoing? Am I confident? It's like two different people are merged into one, but sometimes one person takes over, and sometimes the other one takes over, with remnants of the other still in the background. It makes everything chaotic. I was drinking every day, and it was working for me - until it stopped working. I know that, in any given situation, I could drink alcohol and be that confident, outgoing, friendly person that I believed people were drawn to over the years. See, the thing about alcohol, for me, was that it allowed me to go back into that room in the back of my mind and draw the shades. When things got too real, too tense, too personal, too (insert situation here), I always knew I could go back to that mental room and draw the shades. It was an escape of reality. When I was in a situation, at a gathering, with a person, at home alone, alcohol provided an escape. So I grasped onto it. And it worked, until it didn't.
So anyway, some might say tragically, I don't feel I ever really developed a true connection in any past relationships because of my alcoholic ways. Because of that back room escape, I guess I was never emotionally invested into anyone. I suppose it may have originated when I was growing up, I could never really talk to my dad unless he was having drinks. He went from a quiet, depressed, anti-social guy to a happy, social, funny guy after his first beer. This is what I know. When I got older, I used to sit and drink with him because this is the only time I could really talk to him. It's weird. Maybe all this time I was using alcohol to create a connection, which in fact it was doing just the opposite. I think with us alcoholics, that "back room in our minds where we draw the shades" shows itself in more ways than just alcohol (for example, I will watch TV series show-after-show, in marathons, all day). I don't know, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, the bottom line is, I feel that I have been able to quit and stay quit because I better understand why I drank. I don't know if I would ever be able to fix myself if I didn't become aware of it.. because how can you fix something if you don't know what it is? Everyone is different, I know. Some people have had traumatic life altering situations, where I know I've thought (no wonder he/she drinks), but in reality, I don't think many people will be able to tell you exactly when their drinking became a problem. For myself, I never had any traumatic experiences. I had a great upbringing, if not emotionally detached from my dad, but I mean, that's the worst of it. I had everything I ever wanted, went to a good school, have always had a good career, everything I could ever ask. I guess it could happen to anybody, I don't suppose it can be completely answered by genetics or upbringing.
Of course, alcoholism eventually brings devastation. It was wrecking my life. I narrowly avoided terrible situations, but experienced my fair share of bad ones and luckily I escaped without too many problems. It's progressive of course, so I would eventually lose everything and everyone, so I realized I had to quit. That 6 pack of beer each night became 8, then became 10, 12, the last time I drank I was up to like 20 (seriously). That's wild, man! 20 beer in one day. That's the end of the line, it's where I get off. It's my stop.
Anyway, this message is a lot longer than I had intended haha. Sorry for the ramble! Have a delicious day!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 52
This reads like my alcohol biography. I have had almost the exact same experience. I'm a happy, fun, chatty drinker who used it to get over my social anxiety and never really created a true connection.
Thanks for this post - it's nice to know I'm not alone in that. Congrats on your sobriety and your amazing self-insight.
Thanks for this post - it's nice to know I'm not alone in that. Congrats on your sobriety and your amazing self-insight.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Great post, it resonates on many levels, I also drank to escape, it was fantastic at the beginning, coming home from work, have a beer to deal with the stress, go to a social event, no need to be quiet and shy, have a few drinks and I was chatting to everyone and anyone, go on a date and with a drink in my hand could talk all night, but that was all escaping from the real me, suppressing the feelings, emotions and thoughts of the here and now.
The problem though when I got Sober is that I actually didn't like the real me, which is why damaging my body with ever increasing volumes of alcohol didn't phase me until like yourself I needed to get off that train when things got too real as alcohol was progressing to worrying heights, but since being Sober learning to like myself has been the thing I needed to fix, as without alcohol I can't be that other person under the influence.
The problem though when I got Sober is that I actually didn't like the real me, which is why damaging my body with ever increasing volumes of alcohol didn't phase me until like yourself I needed to get off that train when things got too real as alcohol was progressing to worrying heights, but since being Sober learning to like myself has been the thing I needed to fix, as without alcohol I can't be that other person under the influence.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by SoberJohnny 
I sort of just melted into these relationships, not really giving my authentic self to my girlfriend.. I mean, almost every single one of them I met while I was drunk, and the natural thing would be to "go out for drinks" at the start, so my fake, drunk self was really the main person in the relationship, at least at the start.
As the years went on, I drank more and more, and the line between my true self and my "new and improved drunk self" got blurry.
As the years went on, I drank more and more, and the line between my true self and my "new and improved drunk self" got blurry.
I totally understand the "room with shades" analogy. It has only been in this sobriety where I was truly able to see the fear of intimacy roots behind a lot of my drinking. The drinking was some sort of "bridge" between my aching loneliness and that terrible fear of anyone truly knowing me.
For me, sobriety is very much about self acceptance. Once I am able to do that, perhaps I will actually be able to allow someone into my authentic world.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
wow. definitely me (only yah, switch genders)
I'm 37 now. I was reflecting about this not long ago - my past and the "relationships" I found myself in. It dawned on me that not one of them, since my 20's (probably late teens if I'm brutally honest) had a long period of sobriety in them. I was in a long relationship from about 19(ish) to 25-26...with a guy who dealt drugs. So, on top of booze I was obviously participating in that...then when I was 26, I met a guy on holidays (he was Swiss)...long story short - I ended up marrying him and living in Zurich for almost 4 yrs. That marriage broke down for a few reasons - the main one being I was alone, depressed and DRANK A LOT. Booze is very cheap in Switzerland (heh, the only thing that IS) ...I know in my heart, I ruined that marriage with my drinking.
Came home...got my first DUI 2 weeks to the day I came back...found myself in a 4.5 year relationship with a guy who was (is) a big drinker. It was a very toxic relationship, but one that had me in it's grips in a serious way...we shared a strange love. Again - when the hell was I SOBER in any of this??? Like really SOBER? Then I got sober for 18mths in 2010-2011...still was "dating" him, he was actually very supportive...eventually though, I ended up drinking again.
Now - I'm with my BF of almost 2yrs. Who I met online. Drunk. This guy has seen me at my worst...and with him, I've had bouts of sobriety here and there (day 67 today)....the wreckage of my life was shocking when I had really looked at it.
I had a dad who wasn't around much at all when I was growing up...I ask myself, was I trying to fill that void? I dunno. What I DO know now though...is I need to really start figuring out who the crap I am.
great post soberjohnny!
I'm 37 now. I was reflecting about this not long ago - my past and the "relationships" I found myself in. It dawned on me that not one of them, since my 20's (probably late teens if I'm brutally honest) had a long period of sobriety in them. I was in a long relationship from about 19(ish) to 25-26...with a guy who dealt drugs. So, on top of booze I was obviously participating in that...then when I was 26, I met a guy on holidays (he was Swiss)...long story short - I ended up marrying him and living in Zurich for almost 4 yrs. That marriage broke down for a few reasons - the main one being I was alone, depressed and DRANK A LOT. Booze is very cheap in Switzerland (heh, the only thing that IS) ...I know in my heart, I ruined that marriage with my drinking.
Came home...got my first DUI 2 weeks to the day I came back...found myself in a 4.5 year relationship with a guy who was (is) a big drinker. It was a very toxic relationship, but one that had me in it's grips in a serious way...we shared a strange love. Again - when the hell was I SOBER in any of this??? Like really SOBER? Then I got sober for 18mths in 2010-2011...still was "dating" him, he was actually very supportive...eventually though, I ended up drinking again.
Now - I'm with my BF of almost 2yrs. Who I met online. Drunk. This guy has seen me at my worst...and with him, I've had bouts of sobriety here and there (day 67 today)....the wreckage of my life was shocking when I had really looked at it.
I had a dad who wasn't around much at all when I was growing up...I ask myself, was I trying to fill that void? I dunno. What I DO know now though...is I need to really start figuring out who the crap I am.
great post soberjohnny!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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"I totally understand the "room with shades" analogy. It has only been in this sobriety where I was truly able to see the fear of intimacy roots behind a lot of my drinking. The drinking was some sort of "bridge" between my aching loneliness and that terrible fear of anyone truly knowing me.
For me, sobriety is very much about self acceptance. Once I am able to do that, perhaps I will actually be able to allow someone into my authentic world."
Nuudawn, Oh definitely.. I think you're bang on, it has so much to do with a fear of intimacy. But you know what.. that "fear of intimacy", for me, extends to myself. It's like I was afraid of being alone with my own thoughts.. with my own feelings. It's like I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Which explains why I so often drank alone.. then came the "drunk texting" and all of that. The paradoxical thing about drinking alone is that it gave me a sense of emotional authenticity.. alcohol seemed to me like a way to connect to my true emotions, but of course that wasn't the case at all.. it's a poison that just chemically messes up your brain and there is nothing real about that. I mean.. after work, I'd go home.. and now what? What am I going to do? It seems mentally exhausting to NOT drink. It seemed like it took so much effort.. where I could just numb everything if I wanted to. I had that power.
Of course, it only lasts so long before things start catching up on you. Like it or not, ya gotta face reality at some point.
For me, sobriety is very much about self acceptance. Once I am able to do that, perhaps I will actually be able to allow someone into my authentic world."
Nuudawn, Oh definitely.. I think you're bang on, it has so much to do with a fear of intimacy. But you know what.. that "fear of intimacy", for me, extends to myself. It's like I was afraid of being alone with my own thoughts.. with my own feelings. It's like I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Which explains why I so often drank alone.. then came the "drunk texting" and all of that. The paradoxical thing about drinking alone is that it gave me a sense of emotional authenticity.. alcohol seemed to me like a way to connect to my true emotions, but of course that wasn't the case at all.. it's a poison that just chemically messes up your brain and there is nothing real about that. I mean.. after work, I'd go home.. and now what? What am I going to do? It seems mentally exhausting to NOT drink. It seemed like it took so much effort.. where I could just numb everything if I wanted to. I had that power.
Of course, it only lasts so long before things start catching up on you. Like it or not, ya gotta face reality at some point.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Originally Posted by SoberJohnny
But you know what.. that "fear of intimacy", for me, extends to myself. It's like I was afraid of being alone with my own thoughts.. with my own feelings. It's like I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Which explains why I so often drank alone.. then came the "drunk texting" and all of that. The paradoxical thing about drinking alone is that it gave me a sense of emotional authenticity.. alcohol seemed to me like a way to connect to my true emotions, but of course that wasn't the case at all.. it's a poison that just chemically messes up your brain and there is nothing real about that. I mean.. after work, I'd go home.. and now what? What am I going to do? It seems mentally exhausting to NOT drink. It seemed like it took so much effort.. where I could just numb everything if I wanted to. I had that power.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Southern California
Posts: 66
This really helped me. Thank you so much. You are a thoughtful and articulate young man, and I am glad you had to go through these life experiences including your battle with addiction so you could insightfully dissect many things about it all that has just really helped me.
Bless you
I am newly sober and in a terrible relationship, realizing I have never had any authentic ones as I read your post.
Bless you
I am newly sober and in a terrible relationship, realizing I have never had any authentic ones as I read your post.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I totally understand the "room with shades" analogy. It has only been in this sobriety where I was truly able to see the fear of intimacy roots behind a lot of my drinking. The drinking was some sort of "bridge" between my aching loneliness and that terrible fear of anyone truly knowing me.
For me, sobriety is very much about self acceptance. .
For me, sobriety is very much about self acceptance. .
Mentally I was behind the curtain and then I physically went there too.
I also used to watch TV marathons. That was my evenings and weekends. Drink in hand, curtains closed and mindless TV marathons.
The night I called AA, the curtain moved, like in the Wizard of Oz. I could see the truth for the first time.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
This post resonates with me. Alcohol was my "girlfriend" for the past 16 years. The girls I dated, I never fully emotionally connected because of the booze, it allowed me to always keep a distance.
Thanks for this post, I identified a lot of myself in it, it's very helpful to read
Thanks for this post, I identified a lot of myself in it, it's very helpful to read
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