Rose56

Last night when I came home from my exercise class, I fell into my old pattern. I went over to speak to my husband and saw his dopey expression that means he has been drinking. I got mad just looking at him and proceeded to argue with him about why he went out drinking. I can really be a nag and give him a hard time. I also insult him when I am in this frame of mind.
So I fell into my old habits and I let him take away my serenity. Why do I get so mad so fast? And more important how can I change my behavior? WHen this happens I react in anger and get wrapped up in what he is doing. How can I stop? I am so discouraged. How can I change my life when I cant even control my own behavior. Any thoughts?

Dannygirl

Rose,
I can't even begin to pretend that I am "all-knowing" about this subject, but 24 hours after my first Al-Anon meeting, I can suggest a few of the techniques I heard used last night.
First of all, you have to understand that you did not cause this, you cannot CONTROL this, and you certainly cannot CURE this disease.
With that having been said, the other big thing I heard last night was to do periodic sefl-check-ups. You can define the time line that qualifies as "periodic." Perhaps it is hourly, daily, monthly, or yearly. But when you check in with yourself, you have to only work on YOUR actions and reactions. Nobody else matters. Only focus on how you could have reacted better.
Rose, my other suggestion for you would be to find time to either attend an Al-Anon meeting, meditate, or pray. Just make some time for yourself every day to try to relax and focus on you. I certainly know from experience that Alcoholism can destroy relationships, but it doesn't have to destroy you!
(((HUGS)))

------------------
**Dannygirl**
AOL Screenname: Phxhags3

[This message has been edited by Dannygirl (edited April 02, 2002).]

blufan60

Rose,

I think just being aware that you fell into an old pattern is good and will help you in the future. You are thinking about things. You are realizing that the old stuff doesn't work. None of us is perfect, that's for sure. Not us, not the alcoholic. It's so hard, though, when it's staring you right in the face, isn't it?! Next time you're tempted, perhaps tell yourself, "Okay, just this one time I'm going to ignore it. I'm going to turn around and go do something good for me. I'm not going to let it get to me just this one time." Then, if you manage to take control of your reaction, you'll know that you can do it! If you don't, you'll at least have made the attempt, and that too is a step forward. I'm proud just to hear you say you realized your nagging and arguing was something you wished you'd not done. Awareness is a very good thing!

Rose56

Thank you Dannygirl and Blu for your insight. I do try to take some time for myself each day and think. I will try the "just this one time" approach, I think I could do that. I find it so hard to focus on myself when his problem is so glaring and right in my face. But I do understand that focusing on me is the best approach right now. This program is so hard, simple but hard. Wish me luck.........

ScaredInIdaho

I don't have any words of advice as to how to change this, but can I ever relate! Last night my husband had his AA book and was heading out the door. I asked him when he would be home and he told me that he was going to two meetings last night. I jumped for joy inside. His next comment was that he was going to get these damn meetings done in less than the ninety days (the counselor told him he had to attend ninety meetings in ninety days in order to treat him again.) I was so furious that I lit into him but good! I wondered how committed he truly is to trying to get sober by that comment alone. Obviously no good came of my reaction. Anyway, I'm getting more into me than you. Sorry. I'm still pretty upset I guess.

I agree with the comment from before that the fact that you realized falling into old patterns doesn't work is a step in the right direction. If you come up with any good solutions (that I don't see posted here) please be sure to share!

Scared

catdogldy

I think its great that you re-thought your actions and next time will probably do better. We're only human and it is upsetting to see that scene and its certainly understandable to go off. The irony is, when you do learn to not react but to just go and do something good for yourself, what will happen is you will have put all that discomfort back on your husband. You will no longer be available to feel for him. He will be stuck with himself and, in my opinion, that's when the change starts to happen. God bless you and I hope things work out for you. Hugs, Lynn

Rose56

Thank you for your thoughts catdogldy. Now I understand better why I shouldn't react to his drinking. I did do better last night, not perfect, but better. I am worried because I had told him that I wouldn't live with him anymore if he was drinking and now he is drinking every night after work(new job). I am struggling with weather it is time to ask him to leave again. At the same time I am looking forward to him bringing in additional income. None of this is straigtforward. I wish I knew what to do. I will turn it over to my higher power today.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hey Rose!

Be very very careful about making ultimatums. If you make one that YOU can't stick to, it teaches an addict they can run all over you. Make rules carefully, then follow them yourself.

Hugs,
Smoke

Rose56

Thanks Smoke, you are right of course. Now that I have made this mistake, what do I do? I really do feel this way, that I don't want to live with him when he is drinking. But getting the courage up to make him leave and stay gone is very draining. Help?

smoke gets in my eyes

Hey Rose!

Well, gee. We've all said things we wish we could edit. Maybe you should take a little time to weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. Pretend that he's going to stay just as drunk forever as he is right now. With that as a given, do the things you like about him and your relationship outweigh the difficulties? If so... that's not the utimatum for you. If not... start working on your escape plan. Save the ultimatum until you're serious as hell about it and can implement at a moment's notice. An unfortunate possibility is that he may never quit drinking. AS IS, do you want him?

Hugs,
Smoke

JT

Rose,

Smoke is so right! Ultimatums are tough. I told my husband once that I would not be around forever if this kind of behavior continues...leaving ME to decide when that day would come but at the same time notifying him that I would not put up with it. Sometime modifying our thoughts is all we need to do.

You are doing a great job!

Paula

Rose56

Thank you, you both got right to the heart of the matter. I havent been able to decide if I want him as is. I need to do some work weighing the pros and cons. Because there are some very positive aspects to our relationship and very positive qualities he has, but there are also some very negative aspects to our relationship as well. There are things about him that I really don't like besides the drinking. And some things I really treasure about him. So this is my dilema. But I think I am becoming clearer in my thinking and in my understanding about what is important to me. Thanks again for your insight, it brings tears to my eyes (I am so emotional this morning) to think about how caring you all are, to listen and respond to my questions and ideas. I do thank God for all of you that participate in this message board, ithas been a life saver for me.