InTheEnd

Made it to day 13 back in March, then just gave up for no good reason. I was feeling fine and doing well, actually very positive about not drinking the wine...then just bought a bottle and life began again as it was. Lots have happened over the last few months (nothing tragic, but things aren't so great) and I want to talk about them, just can't right now or I'll cry....and I'm sick of crying and feeling sorry for myself. But I have to get my feelings out, if that's okay....

I just don't know why I am like I am. I don't like me at all. I always am wondering why things fall apart all the time for me. Why I can't keep a commitment. Why I can't muster up the strength to even walk out of the door. I live in a world with shame and guilt. Ugly and unwanted by anyone. Though no one in my world knows all of this. If I'd pick up the phone and actually contact friends, they'd be fine with me. I've isolated myself again. Its mostly all in my head but it won't go away, so by 4pm, I pour myself a glass of wine, trying to get this awful feeling to go away.....but as always, it comes back the next day, and as always, 4pm comes around (seems to be "my" time that makes it "okay" to drink so I can pretend I have some control).

I don't even feel worthy enough to type this and feel as if I've betrayed everyone here by not sticking around and not being strong enough to even attempt stopping again, or even opening this site. On day 13, when I opened that bottle, was the last time I came on here. I shut you all out, just like I do my friends.

Thanks for letting me share....

lunar

Betrayed everyone? Nonsense!
Welcome Back!

DoubleDragons

Welcome back!! At least you are acknowledging that isolating is what you do. You cannot fix a problem unless you acknowledge it. Come here every day no matter what and read and read. Pray if you are so inclined. A change will happen. I promise. I am over nine months sober and I have never been happier or healthier in my life. If you can gut through the first few months, it does get easier!

Anna

I think it's typical to shut people out in order to be able to continue drinking. I know I did. I'm glad you're back and working on your recovery.

InTheEnd

Thanks ya'll. I just keep thinking "Last time only 13 days, why do you think you can ever stop for good"? I know that's the "alcohol voice" talking, but its strong. Strongest its ever been in my life, the last few months....and now. It's like the real me has just given in to this voice and I totally believe it. I am no good and not worth it, so why bother.

But, I have this glimmer of hope somewhere inside, a last stand type of feeling. I don't want to give up, I don't want to live in this ******** of a life. I know I'm better than that. I want a life. This can't be it for me, sitting around nightly by myself drinking wine. Is this it? If I don't stop, thats how I see my future and why bother if thats what it is.

I can't look ahead right now, I just have to do this today, then hopefully tomorrow and so on.

Soberpotamus

It's what addiction does to us... causes us to isolate, many of us anyway. No need to feel that you've upset anyone here, just pick back up with a plan of action to get yourself sober It's great that you decided to come back and post about it. It helps to share and let others support you. Welcome back!

doggonecarl

Welcome back.

Addiction loves despair. If you want to climb out of this dark hole, put down the bottle and start accumilating some sober time. Then work on being the person you are capable of being. But it all starts with quitting...but then you know that.

biminiblue

That bottle is where all this sadness originates.

If you put some time between you and your last drink, miracles happen. Depression lifts, life looks positive.

Just stop today. Give your brain and body time to heal and you will see a whole different world. Really.

Welcome back! We're glad you're here.

desertsweetpea

Welcome back. I can relate to everything you are feeling. I isolate quite often and feel a lot of the feelings you describe. I think what others have said about coming back to SR and reading others stories helps to relieve some of the feelings of hopelessness and shame. I know it helps me to see that there are many people here who are dealing with the same fears and concerns. I hope that you will stick around with me and benefit from the support and knowledge of these forums.

petals

Welcome back, take care.

Croissant

13 days is a good start. That means you know you can do it.

I woke up one day and just wanted to stop the craziness. I downloaded a lot of books on alcoholism and spent my first weekend just immersed in reading and educating myself.

just getting to 3 days seemed huge for me...a week....God, I couldn't even think that far ahead. So don't. Just pledge to stop taking alcohol into your body...then work on fixing why you drank.

Worrying about it all now doesn't help....you have to get the alcohol out of your system before you can think clearly.

Join one of the monthly classes here, that helped me day by day, to feel part of a team and not isolate. Made myself accountable. A year later, I still post in my class thread and we support each other.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!! SR is in your corner!!

Nuudawn

InTheEnd...my friend...I could have written your post myself. The wording may have been a little different, but essentially I feel everything you are saying.

My world has grown so incredibly small due to drinking. Back when I was younger...there were plenty of folks to drink with. I was of the age that it was simply more "acceptable"..it was part of the fabric of the demographic. I also had more energy....

But in the last decade, it had become a lot more about me at home...with my wine at night. Yes, there were occasional drunk ups outside the home...but most were at home. It was safer here. My life was essentially getting through the day or shift at work to go home and open the wine.

I too relapsed after a period of sobriety..here at SR...last year. I didn't come back until fairly recently. It actually didn't get that bad...well, not AS bad as it once was...but you know what I started to notice?

My life was starting to go right back to getting on through the day (almost like I had blinders on) to get home and open that bottle of wine. THAT was what alerted me. My life was getting smaller and smaller and smaller.

Thankfully, my last sobriety was recent and long enough (even at only a mere 4 months) that I was conscious of my life getting larger and larger and larger (not in big cymbal crashing ways but indeed larger)...

Rather than smaller and smaller and smaller...

Please...stop beating yourself. Lift your head my dear friend. Start leaning into the sun. Start growing again.

InTheEnd

@Nuudawn - thats exactly how I feel! Life is just getting smaller and smaller. I get through the day, but I don't "live" it. Basically life's become a chore with no happiness really, just existing to not lose my job and have my wine at night. I want more.

Thank you everyone, I'm so glad I came back. I've been wanting to but was afraid.

Day 1 - Today, I won't drink.

FreeOwl

we get it.

welcome back.

This is a good first step.

We're here for ya, vent it out when you're ready.

And - tell us what you're gonna do differently. You don't have to feel like this anymore, but ya need a plan.

melki

I could relate to every word too! InTheEnd, you can't even begin to imagine how free and wonderful you will feel when you are no longer imprisoned by drinking. Lots of good things have been said here, take care of yourself, stay the course. Drop the guilt and move forward. Best wishes your way, you CAN do it. Want it more that anything you've ever wanted before and your life will improve dramatically, you will see.

Nuudawn

Now that's a beautiful a big and lovely first step. Love it. Although I did not utilize AA my last sobriety. This time, I have found more space in my life (I was pretty much a work-aholic last sobriety)...so I have had to AA to my plan. At this point, I'm "taking what I need and leaving the rest"... I've only gone to two meetings.

For me, I need to get "out there" a little more this time. And mostly, I need some new friends and contacts. I need to enlarge even more than I did last time.

HeadLump

I'm so glad you found the courage to come back, IntheEnd - because it does take courage and determination, too, to pick yourself up after a fall. Something inside you definitely feels worthy (and so it should!) or else you wouldn't be here

I absolutely understand the frustration and the despair. I've been there

Keep plugging away at it. You WILL get there. 13 days is a long stretch away from such a powerful addiction and you've managed that. With additional support, you'll crack this xx

Applekat

Welcome back! I am Day 1 today too. I've had small sober periods...24...13...6....etc.

You can do it. We can do it. Post away!